Monday, December 27, 2010

Observations of the day...

Well, I've been back home for over a week now. Cris came in the night of the 23rd. I didn't see him on Christmas and he left today. Christmas was fun and I got a lot of things I had been hoping to get. I got to see my best friends on Sunday, which was exciting, along with Cris. I spent most of Sunday and a few hours today with him.

The first time he left for Lubbock, I cried my eyes out for a good while. The second time I did the same. The third he left from visiting me at college and I cried for a bit. The fourth we went in opposite directions from here and I tried not to let my friend in the passenger seat see me cry. The fifth, I cried but tried to distract myself with my music. The sixth, I didn't cry much. But today, I am sad, but I have no urge to cry. Maybe this is getting easier. Maybe it's that I know I'll see him again in about 3 days instead of weeks on end. Whatever it is, I'm glad I'm not crying. I miss him like crazy, this is true, but I know that I'll see him soon and that he loves me immensely.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ramblings of the day... or week...

Okay, there is a lot on my mind at the moment so this post is going to more me rambling and thinking out loud than it is just telling about what is going on right now. Though this may not all make sense, just work with me here. In reality, I'm actually surprised that this blog has lasted this long! Usually, I give up about a week into it. Blogging has been really good for me, even if no one reads it. I guess it just helps to sit down and write out what is going on. I have to actually think things out and, since this is the Internet, think about what I am going to say. Ha ha! I've never had an outlet like this... never thought of a blog being an outlet. I always thought about it being something to get the most views and have people comment and what not. But that really isn't what blogging is about is it? At least, that isn't what it is for me any more. It more of a way to get the emotions that get stuffed inside of me out. Okay, enough about blogging and about what I really came here to blog about. Ha ha!

So, I was at home Thanksgiving week and it was the same routine as every year. Clean, clean, clean, clean, Thanksgiving, clean. Though we did manage to see a couple movies in between all the cleaning. One of the movies was Tangled, which is a GREAT movie, by the way. I came out of the movie and the week went on. I realized that my life is much like Rapunzel's. When I am at home I am "trapped" in my house. I have to ask to go out. I am confined to the house when I can't go out unless it is with my parents. Even here I am more or less restricted. I have to make certain grades to get a certain GPA (3.5) to keep my car. And I have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship to keep coming to Harding. This summer I am going to have to get a job and go to school. I was going to go up to Washington to work in my aunt and uncle's pizza shop this summer after taking some Maymester courses. But the main perk of that, besides making some good money, was getting to hang out with my cousin. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen now. (More on that later.) So, now i have to try and find a job in Dallas and figure out which of the courses at the community college are the ones I need to take and how much they are going to be and how long they are going to be. Right now, there was a course that I need to take or something that starts the day after I get back from here. Personally, that is NOT okay with me. I have so much stress because of all this that it's not even funny. I mean, I am freaking out because of finals because I want to keep my car. My parents told me they would drive me up here and back if I didn't have a 3.5. That is a 12 hour drive. I swear, I want to scream or run or something.

As for my ruined summer plans, my cousin is going into the Air Force. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the men and women that fight for our freedom, but I don't want my cousin or my good friends to be the ones risking their lives. I'm proud that he found what he wants to do and that he has the guts to do it... but I'm not happy. If he gets deployed before his four years are up, which is more than likely, I am going to worry to death! I already have a friend who is in the army... he got deployed to Afghanistan around August and I haven't heard from him since. Needless to say, I'm a little worried about him. Every time that I hear anything about the war now or about our troops, I'm going to think of Ry, my cousin. I heard the word war today and my heart dropped. *sigh*

Of course, then I have a friend that is going through a lot of stuff and I don't know how to help her. And it doesn't help that I can feel her pain. And then my other friend is going through something else and this guy is even bugging me, but I can't do anything because she wants, and needs, to do it in her own. The thing is, she is WAY too nice.

So, right now I just kinda want someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay and that I can do it and there is nothing to worry about... the only thing is, there are only two people who can do that... and the closest one is 12 hours away in Lubbock. It sucks because I really wish he was here. I'll be sitting in class and, randomly, I'll want to just run out of class and run, of four legs like a wolf (like, I don't know why, shift into a wolf) and run all the way to Lubbock just to be with him. I really need him here right now because he is the one that can calm me down and make everything better. When he holds me close I know that he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me for who I am, even when I am having a meltdown. The other person is Ry and he is in Washington and there is no way that I am going to get to see him anytime soon. The earliest would be January and that is only if my parents let me fly up to Washington for a week. I am going to have to BEG them... :(

Ugh. So yeah... that's pretty much everything that is going on and all the crap I am going through right now. Most days I just want to quit. 'Course, it doesn't help that is like 30 degrees outside. Oh! And when we went shopping, my checkbook came in on Sat. before we left, but the post office here is closed until Monday. So yeah.... I am going to have to go get my boots and everything to make the desserts for my speech on Monday... and I need gas... UGH!!! Sometimes I hate life..... #v.v

But I guess that is just life......

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Wolf

It's Thanksgiving break and I have been home for four days now. Two of which have been filled with the annual stress of cleaning the entire house so it is "presentable" to the whole "clan." However, this is the first year that my sister is a "real" teenager. So, on top of the regular stress of cleaning, she is doing the teen thing. Which includes, but is not limited to: mood swings, occasional ADD, rebelious tendencies, some lazyness, sassyness, criticalness, ect.

Well, you add all that together and you get one frustrated, and slightly angered, me. My wolf doesn't like it. When I get like that I can feel her trying to get to the surface to "protect" me (in a sense). It takes a lot to calm her down and to rein her back in. It takes a lot to calm myself down. The problem is, the thing I really need to do is punch something, or the more practical solution, go for a run. Unfortunately, neither one of those are possible. So, I am stuck with trying to rein her in while doing nothing.

I am so afraid that one day I am just going to snap. And when that happens she will have full control. I have a feeling that if that happenes I won't be able to regain control until she is tired, satisfied, or enough of either or both that I can gain control. It wouldn't be pretty and it would end in disaster. She is usually very calm, but in situations like these, snapping is a possibility because she is distressed and uneasy.

I can feel her inside of me. She is antsy and unsatisfied. It's not good. If I can, I think I'll try to go for a run tomorrow. But for now, all I can do is close my eyes and think peaceful and calm thoughts and hope that is enough. She is begging for control, but I can't give it to her. Not until I am running. She doesn't like being confined and not being able to be let out... especially in times like these... when she is so disturbed. But there isn't anything I can do. Not right now. She and I just have to wait until tomorrow... just until tomorrow...

Monday, October 18, 2010

I wanna go HOME!!!

So.. I got back from a wonderful weekend home last night. It was busy and WAY to short. My friend came down with me and we went to the fair and the DC homecoming and what not. It was fun. We celebrated Cris' 21st birthday!! :/ He's 21!! Ugh! It's so WEIRD!!!! Ah well. Anyway, it was fun and I am leaving Thursday after speech to go back. Why? Because I miss home. And this weekend is going to be relaxing and NOT uber busy like this one was. Why? Because I need it.

I am exhausted. And I have two papers due in Bible. Whoop-de-do. I swear, he is out to kill me. Ugh! I am SO not taking him next semester. I just want to go home, man. I just want to be held in Cris' arms and be comforted and what not. Though, he makes me smile. He called me this morning to make sure I got up, because I had to move my car so that I didn't get a ticket, and he texted me before that, and he's been texting me all day telling me that he loves me and just making me smile. I have his jacket too... haha! I love him. He's so wonderful. ^.^

But yeah... that's what's going on right now.. I need to find something to read for my oral reading in speech on thursday (the ONLY reason I'm leaving at 3:40 instead of 12:30. -.-), and then do the bible paper, prolly start reading the book I have to do the OTHER bible paper over and OH YEAH! Visitation is until WEDNESDAY! -.- This is going to kill me...

I'm going to take a nap...


Sunday, October 3, 2010


When I first got here, I never thought that I would feel at home in my dorm. But I do now. And yet, I don't. It's home... yet, it's not. I miss Dallas. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my family, though not the occasional drama. I miss knowing where I am all the time and the easy access to my bank and my money. I miss Saturn Road. I miss TEXAS! I miss the restaurants and foods that are in texas and not here. I miss having good food all of the time instead of caf food, which is only occasionally good. I miss home. And I am counting down the days until I go home on the 15th.

There are days, like today, when I try not to cry... try to keep it together... because I miss so many things. I know this is my home away from home, but it's hard to be away from so many people you love. There are times when I am surrounded by people, yet I feel completely alone. I want to be held, be hugged, be comforted... but the only person that can really do that, at this point in my life, is 12 freaking hours away! Well, the only other person is in Washington... I won't be seeing him until, hopefully, January.

Yeah.. I skype him, and we talk... but it's not the same as when you are in person and he can wrap his arms around my shoulders and tell me everything is okay while I cry into his chest. I can't do that through a video... and right now, that is what I really need. I love him to death and he has this way of comforting me that makes everything seem so much better. I miss him... :/

12 days... I don't know if I can wait that long...

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Sense of Pack

Wolves: they run in a pack because they have a sense of pack. This is why lone wolves are not found very often. If a wolf has no pack or is separated from its pack for a long period of time, it goes insane. Often they have to be "dealt with" by other wolves. Wolves simply NEED pack.

Coming out here, six hours away, separated me from my pack. I was a lone wolf while I didn't have any pack around me. I quickly found that my wolf and I were slowly slipping into insanity. My family and my friends (that I was close to), my pack, were all at home or other places. I started becoming
depressed, and touchy. It was easier for me to become paranoid about trivial things. All I really wanted to do was go home and stay with my pack.

But over the past week, things have changed. After last night, I feel like I have a pack again. My friend, from camp, who just happened to come here and just happened to be a few doors down, and I started talking and even though she is having issues, we talk a lot now and she invites me to do stuff with her and her other friends. (Those are also slowly becoming my friends as well.) We don't know each other that well, more than before, but she has become part of my pack now. And some of the people, that are becoming my friends through her, are becoming my pack. I feel part of a pack once again. I am no longer pulled back, depressed, or touchy. This is what I needed... what my wolf needed. I am just out there, not caring who sees or what they think. I am me and if you don't like it, then I am sorry. You can't change me.

Look out world, because my wolf and I are coming for you. :D

Thursday, September 16, 2010


I had hoped that this was going to be a more upbeat post... but as fate had it, this is not so.

I tried out for theatron today, and I messed up the monologue REALLY bad. And then I didn't make call-backs at all. So, I am/was a little depressed. Thankfully, I got back to my dorm and changed my skype status to available and one of my friends said hey and asked how I was and what was wrong and what-not. He encouraged me, still is at the moment. And then Cris, being the WONDERFUL boyfriend that he is, video chatted me and, after a back and forth of me not wanting to be seen (because I was crying) and him wanting to see me and then me just giving in, he asked what was wrong and really encouraged me and told me how wonderful I am. (I actually just said good night to him.) His mom also saw my status on facebook and encouraged me.

So, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm thinking about trying out again next year. Just wish my dream had come true. :/ To top it all off, I have a history test tomorrow morning. Whoop-de-doo. And I have to make a really good grade on it. SO yeah... I should probably go study.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ish Happy. :)

This morning, I was awoken by my four alarms... but didn't want to get up. But when I really needed to, I got a text from Cris telling me he loved me. Needless to say, BEST way to wake up. He's wonderful. :) I've been reminded everyday, from Saturday to so far, by him, that he loves me. I love it. :) He tells me he loves me a hundred times a day, and guess what? I love it!

So, I walk outside to go to chapel, and it's raining. The sad part is, my hair actually looked good this morning, and I didn't have to do anything to it. And I think I was supposed to get my picture taken for the yearbook today. But anyway. lol! Oh! And I've taught myself how to sign Never Alone by Barlow Girl. :) It's fun.

Basically, it's been a good day. I know I am loved, and cared for, and that I am special. I am never alone. Though he may not be by my side, he is with me. He makes me smile and he warms my heart.

I love you, Cris, meine liebe. :)

Sunday, September 5, 2010


So... this weekend was GREAT! Friday night I hung out with my room mate and some friends she knew from before, which was fun. Then Cris got here Saturday afternoon, and I hung out with him all weekend. The thing is... I have classes tomorrow. It sucks because it is LABOR DAY, and this is supposed to be LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! But no. Unlike OC and many other colleges that get tomorrow off... We don't. We have classes. So, I am having breakfast with Cris tomorrow and then he is leaving... I miss him already. We had an exciting weekend! Watched The Expendables and Vampires Suck (which was hilarious but not a movie I'd recommend to my parents or my sister. Lol!) and we drove around town and what not.

But yeah... I miss home.. I miss Cris because I know he leaves tomorrow and I'll miss him more after he is gone. I am starting to wonder if this whole college thing is really for me. I mean, I'm supposedly working towards an English degree to become an author... but I don't have a minor picked out and that is one of the things I have to have to GET an English degree. And you know what? In high school, and middle school, and elementary school... I hated school. Yes, the argument can be made that there were times when I liked school. I mostly just like my friends and not the actual school part. Yes, there were a couple of classes I liked. But you know what? They were extracurricular classes. So, the question remains, why am I here? For my parents? Because it is what I am supposed to do? If not that, then what? I keep telling myself things will get better and when I join a club or put myself out there then I'll feel better. But this week, I was going to go try and be outgoing... but I had a runny nose and a cough. To try and relieve it, I went and bought supposed remedies and now I'm broke because the card my mom gave me doesn't work, I'm out of cash, and my bank isn't here. I put on a mask, like I used to do at high school, that says everything is fine and life is great. When asked how I'm doing I smile and say good! When asked what my favorite thing is here I say I don't know, because I honestly can't think of one thing... besides the food. I'm falling away from everything because I don't have a place to call home. College is not what I thought it would be. It has it's good days and it's bad days... and right now.. I just want to go home... or curl up and be held.

The question remains.

Why am I here?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

So far, so good... er... okay...

So, college is good so far... I guess. Well, when you take out the feeling horrible because of allergies or something, then yeah, it's good. :) I've been becoming more outgoing, but I don't want to be because of my runny nose and cough. It kind of puts a dampener on things.

Anyway, classes are good. And I might be in a band soon. We'll see. They were looking for a singer/songwriter... but I'm really not good a writing songs... I've written lyrics before, but I always loose the tune. At any rate, I can sing, so I offered that and the guy that was looking seemed pretty excited. So, hopefully that pans out.

I ran into two of the people I knew from church back home and that was cool. They're older than me... by two years... so they make sure I'm doing okay and what not. That's pretty cool. :) My anniversary with my boyfriend is tomorrow. It will be two YEARS since we got together! Can you believe it?! Already?! But it's coming upon us! He's coming up here to celebrate with me, and I am really looking forward to that. It will be another highlight of my week.

Speaking of highlights of my week, I went to a student led devo Wednesday night and it was REALLY good! I really felt welcomed and like they WANTED me to be there. It felt really good. I mean, most of the time, I am walking down the side walk and girls look at me and most of the time I just feel judged. Even by one of my own suite-mates! Although... last night was kinda different. I was coughing up a storm in the bathroom, trying not to wake my room-mate, and she came in and asked if I was okay and if I wanted some tea. I don't know... I just need to get out of this allergy slump and be more outgoing, I guess.

But yeah, that's been my week so far. I got to talk to my parents and my sister and my grandparents last night over ichat. That was cool. It brightened my day... er... night. lol! Oh! I left my key in my dorm this morning. So I had to write my name down and what not. Thankfully, this is the first time, and, hopefully, last, it happened.

Anyway, that is pretty much it... I'm looking forward to seeing my family on the 25th for the Jason Mraz concert! That's right! He's coming here! Dr. Dogg is coming... but... it sounds kinda... yeah... lol! They are trying to get Paramore to come next semester. I REALLY hope they do because that would be freaking AWESOME! Ah... this is good... :)

Neways! I think that is all I have to say... *waits for a moment* .... Yeah! That's it! Haha!


Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Well, today... was not the best of days, though better than yesterday. See, I had a sore throat... that escalated into a cough and runny nose... and perhaps a low fever last night. Today, the sore throat is gone, the coughing is lessened, the runny nose is lessened, and if there was a fever, that is gone too.

Needless to say, I sound nasaly and I can't sing very well... or talk for that matter. It's dreadful. So, that's really all that is going on.... WAIT!!! I just got a package from my mommy!! I got a new camera!!! It's SOOO cool!!! It's got a place on the front so you can see what you're taking when you are looking at the front, and it's touch screen, and has a border of red! I'm excited. I love my mommy. :)

On that note... here's some pics!

My desk in my dorm. :)

My drawers... and poster... and snack/breakfast stuff... oh! And my red lamp. haha! :)

Me... testing my new camera... It's not a TERRIBLE picture...

Friday, August 27, 2010

It's funny, isn't it...

It's funny, isn't it, that for so long, when asked how we are doing, we smile and exclaim, "Good!" when in all reality we are falling apart.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we claim to be "real" we can't even tell anyone that we just want to quit.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we ask how someone is doing, we don't really care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we think we are being so kind and caring, but we don't even say hi to the person sitting alone.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people feel like nobody really cares.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people really don't care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we claim to be the body of Christ, yet we don't move out of our comfort zone.

It's funny, isn't it, how people everyday come closer to giving up and loosing all hope, because they feel they are worthless.

It's funny... isn't it?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Fianally, my world is shrinking!

Okay... that probably sounds really weird. But I am SO happy about it! I have a speech class with someone I met LONG ago, and a few doors down is someone I used to hang out with at Bandina (church camp)! I also ran into one of the guys that went to Saturn Road. :) Of course, it helps that I've been to all of my classes and I am learning my way around the campus better. I've also noticed, that as all this is happening, my confidence has been growing! Maybe I'll put myself out there before the week ends... or... next week... hahaha!

Anyway, I went to my kinesiology, or wellness, class and the teacher is funny! So, I am actually excited about it! I know right! Who would be excited about a class where you either work out, or have lectures about how to be well? But I am! I think that the way a teacher presents him or herself, and how they approach and conduct their class, has a lot to do with weather I'm going to like it or not. What is really funny though, is my speech, or communications, teacher is my kinesiology teacher's brother. And they are alike in how they deal with their classes. Therefore, I am, surprisingly, excited about speech! I have a feeling that Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be my fun days. Haha!

Unfortunately, though, I have to go out and buy a BUNCH of stuff for my art class tomorrow. Ugh. Though the funny thing is, my teacher grew up and went to church where I did... er... do.. something... ANYWAY! Haha! So, that is pretty cool. :) I'd better go get those before the store closes... *sigh*

But anyway, overall today was a really good day! Thank you, God! ^.^ Well, ta ta for now!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

On My Own...

So... my parents just left. Yeah... My dorm room looks great though! I honestly don't really know what to say... I already miss them... but I think that if I keep myself occupied.. like writing this... for now, I can keep calm. Unfortunately... I really don't know what to say... At least my bed is comfortable! Haha!

Well... I guess I'll go then...


My lovely sister

My wonderful father

My beautiful Mother. :)

I miss you all!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A leap of faith... amongst other things.

Well... tomorrow is THE DAY. I take one of the biggest leaps of my life tomorrow. Needless to say, I am UBERLY nervous!! All of my clothes are packed and my closet is looking very empty! I can't believe it's happening! I am SO scared... though I know I'll be fine. It's just... wow... That is really all I can say right now. Thankfully, I got my car to rigged to play my ipod a while back, or this would be a LONG trip. lol!

Well... wish me luck. I'm going to need it. Hahaha!

Friday, August 13, 2010


Yesterday my sister, Meredith, started school. I know, what's the big deal? Well, she and I went to the same campus for the past four years. She is in middle school, but it's a private school so kids from preschool to seniors are all on the same campus. So when she went off to school yesterday and I didn't go with her, it felt really weird! Today still felt weird. Though I am glad to be out of the uniforms. Hahaha!

Anyway, while Meredith was at school, my friend and I decorated shoes and shirts! I was impressed at how well mine came out! And I learned exactly how to spray-paint. lol! So now I think I'll get some shoes to decorate for myself... when I get up enough money again. As for the spray-painting, I'm going to finally do a piece of art with it that I've been wanting to do for a while.

In other news (lol!), Cris, my wonderful boyfriend, is coming back today! I'm ecstatic. Haha! It's only six days until I leave for college and he will be here for them. :) *shudders* Six days... WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! v.v# At least I've got everything... I think... O.o This is nerve-racking. Though the funny thing is, my mom is nervous too. Though she is more nervous that she is going to run into someone she went to college with and won't remember who they are. Yes, I am going to the college my mom went to. It's a good, and beautiful, college! :D My aunt's both went there as well. So... it's kind of a family thing. On my mom's side anyway. Though my mom would've have been okay if I had gone somewhere else. But Harding feels like home, so that is where I'm going. However, right now, I am REALLY nervous.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. :) But I'm really stoked about seeing Cris. XD

Well, Too-del-ee-do! (Hahaha! XD)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

La De Da De Da...

Okay... so, today I was really sluggish! I don't know why. I mean, I was taking a nap earlier because stupid me stayed up until two last night. Anyway, I woke up to my mom coming in my room, but I woke from a semi-nightmare and I couldn't even keep my eyes open or talk or lift my head or anything! It was weird...

Though, tomorrow I am going to get my comforter! Yay! And then I am going to go look at the container store and Bed, Bath, and Beyond for some other things for my dorm! :D And hopefully Cris, my boyfriend, will come back soon so I can see him and what not before I leave. :) Which is in like... in a week in a half... O.O But... ya!

Anyway, this is going to be really short as I don't have anything else to say... hahaha! Anyway, peace out peeps! XD

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What? I'm a night person! What can I say?

So you may be wondering why the sam hill I am up at this hour. Well, I'll tell you... I don't know. Hahahaha! But I've been up later, so I think I can handle this. At any rate, as of today (since this is thursday... even if it is in the wee hours of the morning) I move into Harding (Sears Hall! Yay!) in two weeks. Holly cracker jacks. Time just LOVES to speed by me. All I can hope for is that Sunday, and the time when Cris (my wonderful boyfriend) is here, goes very slowly... though I know it won't. That fact just kind of depresses me.

I am SO nervous and SO excited all at the same time!! I mean... Harding is going to be GREAT! I know it is... but... I've only taken one trip all by my lonesome, and.. well.. it wasn't the greatest experience of my life. I was glad I did it... but yeesh! Of course, I didn't know a single person on that trip. I don't know, I guess I'm just freaking out about not having my parents close any longer. They'll be six hours away! And what am I going to do for money?! My mom and I decided that the first semester I shouldn't have a job as it could add on to the anxiety and stress. But I keep thinking that I won't have any money and therefore won't be able to do anything. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing. But it still is a thought! The other thing is... I don't even know where to begin or how to pack! I look around my room and start freaking out a little. I need to calm down. lol!

Tomorrow, however, I am going to go to Best Buy to see about me getting a new laptop for college since I currently only have a desktop. lol! The one I'm hoping to get is red and black, has a webcam, windows 7, AND a blue-ray player. :) It's exciting. :D hahaha! I really hope that I can get Photoshop CS3 as well. That would be AWESOME!! :D And I need a small, but really good, printer. Gr.. AND I still haven't gotten a comforter... or ways to decorate my walls. This is going to be a difficult two weeks. O.o

On that note, I should probably go to bed seeing as it is just oh... 2:04 in the morning. lol! And so, I shall bid you adieu until next time. :D


Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Well, there is lots of stuff going on... in my head at least. We decided, last minuet (aka, last week), that we would go on a five day cruise to Mexico, leaving on the 24th out of Galveston. I am a little excited, but not as much since I found out that the internet costs $25 an hour. Yay. But I've always wanted to go on a cruise... though I am a little nervous. lol!

Of course... I am starting to get really nervous about college. And I don't have everything I need yet... though I'm not sure of everything... but I am sure that I still need a laptop and a comforter. Those just might come in handy. Hahaha! At any rate, my brain is overflowing. I mean, I move in about four weeks from now... I'm REALLY nervous... and, though I hate to admit it, scared. On top of that, I don't know HOW I'm packing all my stuff... and..... *takes a deep breath*

I'm fine.... er... I will be...

I'm just going to go now... prolly relax somewhere... maybe I need this cruise....

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Today was a very successful day. I took my sister, Meredith, shopping, and she got what she needed and I got a new alarm clock for my dorm! It was $20 cheaper than the one I was originally looking at. And it plays CDs, Which the fist one didn't. :) I am a happy camper. On top of all that, last night I got everything back. XD It is very exciting.

Tomorrow... I may go out to shop again... *shrugs* Who knows? And next week I'll be hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in a while... That is if my parents are cool with it... But I think they will be. ;) But ya! I'm in a very good mood and I'm happy and that is all that really matters. I would say "right?" but I honestly don't care if you don't think I'm right. In fact, I'm sorry for you. Lol! I know I'm right. Lol!

And, now, I shall bid you adieu. :D

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Do you understand? I didn't think so.

So, I have been grounded for over a month now. I know that from a punishment one is supposed to learn something. The thing that everyone fails to see is that I have learned from it. Yes, I did over use and miss use my phone. Yes, I did over use my computer. Yes, I did miss use my car. And I learned from that. I won't text on my phone all the time. I won't expect to be able to use my car all the time. I won't spend all day on the computer. But no one believes me. How I know? Because I've stated this and I still only have my itouch.

I am out of ideas. I am losing hope. And I don't know what else to do. This may sound grave and depressing, but is because that's just how it is... And how it has been lately. I can't write my stories. I can't take my sister out for snowcones. I can't see my boyfriend...

If they gave me any idea of how in the world I could get my phone and computer and car back, this may have been a different blog post altogether. Unfortunately, I have gotten absolutely none of that. Thus, this is how it is.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm back!! ... maybe...

Hey! So... I know I haven't been on in a while. There is a really good reason for that. In my family, you mess up once and you get grounded from everything until who knows when. So right now I just have my itouch. It took four weeks but I have it.

Anyway! My birthday has come and gone and I am now officially an adult! Woo hoo! Got my dl renewed, and I won't have to do it again until 2016!! And even then I can do it online. But yeah! So that's exciting. What isn't exciting is my boyfriend left with his dad, to go work for him... 6 hours away from here, the day after I came back from summer experience, which is where I got registered for my classes for college. O.o Anyway, I didn't know til that day and so, after already being on an emotional roller coster and being scared about college... I was in a slump and crying my eyes out... Er as much as I could while driving.

Of course then I went and saw Wicked... Second row, middle seats... In other words, AWESOME!!!! In other good news, I finally got my car rigged to play my itouch!! Woo hoo! No flipping through radio stations while driving to college!! Lol!

Anyway, that's what's been up with me lately. :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Time flys...

Has it really been four years? Am I really done with high school? Wasn't it just last week I was starting high school? And yesterday that I started senior year? Wasn't it just a couple of days ago that I started dating Cris? Holy moly, how time flys.

Graduation is just around the bend... and I know this is only he beginning. Soon I'll be looking back on this post and graduating from college...

Wow... that's scary....

At any rate... goodnight for now... things are only going to get fast... O.o

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BANG!!! Xp

... I don't even know where to begin. Well, this week has been crazy to begin with... having practice until seven and all. And then a truckload of work on top of that. Whoever came up with the idea that the teachers should assign major projects the last two days of last week and haven them due at the end of this week needs to be shot... somewhere non-lethal, of course.

Then there is this morning. I grabbed a poster board for English, since I can't really hook up with my partner after school, only to find out that she had an idea and was going to buy it at lunch today. And it didn't matter that I told her I have practice all this week from 4 to 7... because she still wanted to hook up after school and so I told her again today. Well, our project is due Thursday... so she told me that I could type up everything and she would put it all on the poster. I was already angry and upset and stressed enough... and after she said that... and I agreed (because what else was I going to say?)... I was ready to slam everything down and call it quits.

Oh! And I still don't have my car, so when I was trying to bring my dresses up here for theater, and dad can't get up here for lunch (because I have practice today at lunch... and oh yeah! No lunch. And, after seeing my boyfriend for the first time in four days, I won't get to see him because of it... XP) he tried to have me take them with me. Well, I don't have a dang place to put them!! And he got frustrated with them so some are off of their hangers! What the heck am I supposed to do?! But do my parents give me any leeway when it comes to grades and my car? NO!!! And dad is all like, "Yes, we are just mean." And I seriously just wanted to scream and cry!!

This is supposed to be a happy time! But no. I'm stressed as all get out, I want to not care but I can't, and I REALLY don't want to be home right now.

Of course, then there is all the thank you notes I have to write, the scholarship applications to fill out and complete, the job application I have to fill out for college so I can get a job with them and not worry about breaks and what-not - I am ready to give up all hope...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

No good, really crudy, completely horrible day.

Have you ever had a day where everything seems to be against you? Like nothing can go right? Well, that was my day. I am exhausted and stressed and worn out. I mean, I only have six days of classes left to bring my grades up to A's. And my teachers are giving me projects, and I'm up at the school until six thirty or later everyday, and then I come home and try to do homework...

Like today, I was down because I didn't get to show my music video in class today, that I am extremely proud of, because we ran out of time. Well, then I go to practice, hoping I get another solo for Muse in "Mamma, I'm a Big Girl Now," only to find out that I'm just the mom who hardly does anything and the girls that got the solos are the ones who usually get the solos. I mean, how am I supposed to shine if I don't get any opportunites to do so?

So I get in the car and I'm already crying... but then I get home and there are a bunch of people in my kitchen. My mom was hosting a Pampered Chef party and I totally forgot. So I quickly walked back to my room so that no one could see my face and I could go cry in the privacy and darkness of my room. When my face cleared and my sobbing stopped, I joined them and had a good talk with my aunt Cristy. :) The brownies were delicious.

After everyone left, I had to do my Bible project. I had to look up a religon and find out stuff about it so that I can present it to the class. I found one that looked fairly easy and found a few good sites, e-mailed them to myself... and I basically going to wing it. My brain is maxed out to do anything more. Plus, I need to get the huge photoshop portfolio done. Xp

So yeah... that how my life is at the moment. One of the girls, who does most of the choreography, is doing a dance call at her house on Saturday. From my understanding, it's if you need any help. My plan is to sleep in.. plus, I don't know where her house is. lol! Anyway, I need some sleep... and some relaxation...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


So... I am so out of it today. I didn't get out of practice until 6:40 and then I had to film my video for theater and put it together. So, I didn't have dinner until around 10 last night and then I didn't get to bed until around 1 this morning. So, I'm exhausted. Though it isn't due until tomorrow, I have practice again until 6:30 today and then I have huddles. So yeah... But, despite all of that, I think my music video turned out really well. You can tell me what you think. :)

YouTube - Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman Music Video

Monday, May 3, 2010

Memories that will stay with me forever.

Last night was senior night at church and then senior banquet right after. It was great! I was super excited... and nervous. But it all turned out well. One walk across the stage, one to go. Lol!

The banquet was the highlight. The theme was disney and all the juniors dressed up as disney characters. It was greatness. The slide show had pictures in it from many different things... and somethings I wish I didn't have pictures of. Like when I was in 5th grade, we did an act out of a jewish wedding. I was happily the bride... until I found out who the groom was... Clint. And up on the slideshow was a, not very good, picture of it. I hid my face. Lol!

Anyway, the junior high youth minister, Joey, gave the senior charge. I think it was hard for him this year because it was the summer after 6th grade that he came to the curch I attend. He started crying at the end... which almost made me cry. It made my mother cry. *sigh*

Well, then Jeff, the high school youth minister (who came a year or so after Joey) and Trey, the children's minister, got up. Trey got up first... dressed at the Beast. He started singing Beauty and the Beast.. and then Jeff got up dressed up as Belle. It was hilarious! I laughed so hard. They went through their thing, calling up each senior and telling them who their parents said they would be. I was Belle. I realized, when they started doing it, the reason mom had asked me this question several weeks before. Jeff announced what I was and then Trey said, "Well after tonight you might want to rethink that."

In all, it was a great night. Now, I have to go write thank you notes to everyone who has given me a present so far. Of course, that will be after practice... and then I think I'll go read the chapter in Ecomomics so that I can get my A... and then start my theater project.... perhaps not in that order... Lol!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

My life just got more crazy.

So... I was out Tuesday from school... and that was apparently our fist practice. Thankfully, one of my friends, who is in the musical with me, told me about the practice yesterday, so I made it to that one. Now I just have to figure out my schedual for the rest of the practices. They are all mostly from 3:30 to 6:30. Thus giving me less time to do any homework or anything else I need to be doing. Plus, trying to get, and keep, all of my grades to A's... this is going to be fun...

But, I'm excited over all. The preformances are May 13th and 14th and I'm uberly nervous/excited! I just hope my knee heals up before then so I don't have to worry about it and I can do all the moves. But yeah... Thankfully, everything is healing well so far.

In other news, Sr. Sunday and Banquet at church is this sunday. Yay!! I'm excited. Yet, I'm kinda nervous of what they are going to say. O.o lol! Ah well. I'll live. :) Only a few more weeks of high school and then I'm a graduate! ... Who needs a job... Good thing I haven't gotten one yet, though. Or I would have to either quit the job or the musical.. and that would not be cool. Hopefully, I will find one soon after though. I'm just trusting God knows what is best at this point... for everything. :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A much needed update.

Okay... So Friday I found out that I made it in the musical!!! I am so excited!!! XD I would have posted the news earlier but I went on the combined Jr. high Sr. high retreat this weekend with the church I attend. At any rate, I'm sooo excited.

In more recent news... I got a new bike a week or so ago and I got to finally ride it yesterday! Unfortunately, it decided it needed to meet the gaurdrail on this one hill and thus I had a meeting with the pavement. So, I am currently recovering from the incident and finding more and more bruises. So that's how my last few days have gone. :)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


So... I tried out yesterday for the musical. I messed up on the second verse... but everyone I talked to after said I was awesome. And one girl said that when I hit the last note, which is a high note, all their mouths dropped. Yay! And my friend heard me outside of the theater!! Major good sign! I was afraid I was going to have to work on my projection. And now I don't! Woot! Lol! Anyway, I'm excited about that.

Oh! And I went to the ortho yesterday, and my doctor is EXTREMELY impressed. By his schedual, I would get my braces off in August; however, I am getting them off before GRADUATION!! EEE! Right now, the date is set for May 19th. Which is half a week longer than he said. So my mom is going to call and see if they can get me in earlier. I'm so excited!!! *Sings* No braces for graduation! No braces for college! Woot! Lol!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Youtube, how I love thee...

So, I finally found the full broadway musical Beauty and the Beast with the ORIGINAL cast!!! I was so excited! I watched it all today. Unfortunately, it cuts off the very end, which kinda made me mad. At any rate, Susan Egan was WONDERFUL! And it was all on youtube. I love youtube... lol!

In other news, today was less stressful, yet just as tiring, as yesterday. I've decided that I am going to try out on Monday for the musical thing. I'm kind of nervous. I'm going to sing Home from Beauty and the Beast. Though, I thought about doing Belle (reprise) because it has more attitude. Ah well. :) Anyway, I'm excited. And tomorrow, thankfully, is Friday. And Monday I get to plan when I get my braces off!! Yay!! Keep your fingers crossed that it will be soon! Hopefully, near the beginning of May. :)

Well, off to practice!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The stress that comes from being a Senior.

Grades, parents, church stuff, tests, cars, homework - AH!! All of it seems to pile up! And on top of all of that, thinking about the future and my writing that I want to turn into a carreer! And then I have allergies or something at the moment, so I'm coughing and my nose is all stuffed up and, well, it's just bad.

At any rate, I (thankfully) finished my senior board for church last night. One more thing crossed off the ever growing list. And then my dad was starting to go all crazy on me last night. And then I toss and turn last night with strange dreams hautning me once again. #v.v Oy. Hopefully things will calm down over the next few days.

In other news, our theater teacher has decided on doing a musical that is a combination of many broadway musicals. I think it will be fun and I'm thinking about trying out. Unfortunately, the tryouts are today and monday and I just found out yesterday. Then there is my nasal condition at the moment that is making me a little reluctant. Plus, I'd have to come up with a song to sing and have it ready to perform by Monday. O.o At least I'm thinking about it anyway.

Well, that is really all I have to say at the moment... Perhaps, if I have anything, I'll post tomorrow.


Monday, April 12, 2010


So... Tody we had Justin Lucado speak in chapel. I was excited when I heard it was him because I read his book, Dateable. He talked about how guys and girls ate different and gave us a few pointers and some advice... Like "if you would be uncomfortable telling your granny what you did and in detail... You shouldn't do it." He also gave some ideas on how to get out of a situation that feels uncomfortable and how to mess with a guys head. :)

Well, later I heard a girl say that he was stupid and that all guys aren't going to tell everyone everything he does with a girl. So I thought about it and this is my response:

It's true... He won't tell EVERYTHING... just the physical stuff. And he won't tell EVERYONE... just his friends. And okay... So maybe not ALL guys do that... But 99.9% do. So I ask you to ask yourself something... Are you going to listen to yourself, guys who will lie to you to get with you, or someone who isn't afraid to tell you the truth and who has experience about it all?

Personally, I'm taking his advice. And I have ever since I read his book. I am now going to start asking myself what he asks himself: Is it Holy? It is a great question and it's better than, is it okay? Because I don't want to be just okay. God calls us to be different, set apart from the world... HOLY. I know that I am going to mess up... Everyone does. But that shouldn't keep me from striving to be holy. And that is what I intend on doing.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Not off to a good start...

Okay... so I started this in hopes to post everyday. So far, I'm obviously not doing so well. At least I haven't forgotten about it!

Anyway, today has been pretty average. Yesterday... yesterday was a mess. See... my mother grounded me from my car a while ago because I don't have all A's, so now I have a routine set up with my father of how to get back and forth between school and home. Well, he had to do something yesterday and so my mother took my sister and I to school. On our way there, mom decided that she would take me out to lunch, because as a senior I have off-campus lunch. Well, that wasn't the greatest because I usually go ut to lunch with my boyfriend. Though, on the up-side, I did get Ka-ze for lunch instead of fast food...

I then found out that I had the second body paragraph of my research paper for english due today and I hadn't even started! Then my mother decided to pick me and my sister up... which then resulted in us going to Hobby Lobby. Needless to say, I stayed in the car. Well, I fell asleep and they came back thirty minuets later. It was now 5:00.

When we got home, I started on my research paper and started to pull up my other sites that I go onto everyday. I'm a multi-tasker.. it's what I do. Well, my mother comes in and tells me not to... which means not getting on skype with my boy. Thus, I was upset and annoyed. Later that night my mom and I had a small fight and it was just not the greatest day of my life.

I guess it just comes from being a senior... I mean I heard that seniors head-butt with their parents... but right now I feel like I am going to go insane. With all the stress of school and going to college... and on top of that my parents saying that if I don't have all A's before school gets out, not only do I not get my car for the summer, I have to take a college class this summer, and I won't get to take it to college. Not only does that competely stink, it was bumped up from A's and B's last semester to all A's this semester. Their expectations keep rising and I am struggling to keep up.

So, now I am both excited and stressed about graduation. 29 school days to pull my grades up... and until I'm out of highschool. I just want to be able to be myself... is that such a horrible thing?

Friday, April 2, 2010

Ah... Blogs...

I have always wanted to blog... but could never find anything worth writing in one. I've had a few before... mostly on other sites and all ended in epic failure. So, I going to attempt this again.
As my family and friends know, I want to become an author. So, I figured I can use this as something to help my writing skills and perhaps post a few of my works on here. Probably not my stories, perhaps the short ones, but poems, thoughts, or other writings.
At any rate, I hope this goes well.

So long for now,