Monday, December 27, 2010

Observations of the day...

Well, I've been back home for over a week now. Cris came in the night of the 23rd. I didn't see him on Christmas and he left today. Christmas was fun and I got a lot of things I had been hoping to get. I got to see my best friends on Sunday, which was exciting, along with Cris. I spent most of Sunday and a few hours today with him.

The first time he left for Lubbock, I cried my eyes out for a good while. The second time I did the same. The third he left from visiting me at college and I cried for a bit. The fourth we went in opposite directions from here and I tried not to let my friend in the passenger seat see me cry. The fifth, I cried but tried to distract myself with my music. The sixth, I didn't cry much. But today, I am sad, but I have no urge to cry. Maybe this is getting easier. Maybe it's that I know I'll see him again in about 3 days instead of weeks on end. Whatever it is, I'm glad I'm not crying. I miss him like crazy, this is true, but I know that I'll see him soon and that he loves me immensely.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ramblings of the day... or week...

Okay, there is a lot on my mind at the moment so this post is going to more me rambling and thinking out loud than it is just telling about what is going on right now. Though this may not all make sense, just work with me here. In reality, I'm actually surprised that this blog has lasted this long! Usually, I give up about a week into it. Blogging has been really good for me, even if no one reads it. I guess it just helps to sit down and write out what is going on. I have to actually think things out and, since this is the Internet, think about what I am going to say. Ha ha! I've never had an outlet like this... never thought of a blog being an outlet. I always thought about it being something to get the most views and have people comment and what not. But that really isn't what blogging is about is it? At least, that isn't what it is for me any more. It more of a way to get the emotions that get stuffed inside of me out. Okay, enough about blogging and about what I really came here to blog about. Ha ha!

So, I was at home Thanksgiving week and it was the same routine as every year. Clean, clean, clean, clean, Thanksgiving, clean. Though we did manage to see a couple movies in between all the cleaning. One of the movies was Tangled, which is a GREAT movie, by the way. I came out of the movie and the week went on. I realized that my life is much like Rapunzel's. When I am at home I am "trapped" in my house. I have to ask to go out. I am confined to the house when I can't go out unless it is with my parents. Even here I am more or less restricted. I have to make certain grades to get a certain GPA (3.5) to keep my car. And I have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship to keep coming to Harding. This summer I am going to have to get a job and go to school. I was going to go up to Washington to work in my aunt and uncle's pizza shop this summer after taking some Maymester courses. But the main perk of that, besides making some good money, was getting to hang out with my cousin. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen now. (More on that later.) So, now i have to try and find a job in Dallas and figure out which of the courses at the community college are the ones I need to take and how much they are going to be and how long they are going to be. Right now, there was a course that I need to take or something that starts the day after I get back from here. Personally, that is NOT okay with me. I have so much stress because of all this that it's not even funny. I mean, I am freaking out because of finals because I want to keep my car. My parents told me they would drive me up here and back if I didn't have a 3.5. That is a 12 hour drive. I swear, I want to scream or run or something.

As for my ruined summer plans, my cousin is going into the Air Force. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the men and women that fight for our freedom, but I don't want my cousin or my good friends to be the ones risking their lives. I'm proud that he found what he wants to do and that he has the guts to do it... but I'm not happy. If he gets deployed before his four years are up, which is more than likely, I am going to worry to death! I already have a friend who is in the army... he got deployed to Afghanistan around August and I haven't heard from him since. Needless to say, I'm a little worried about him. Every time that I hear anything about the war now or about our troops, I'm going to think of Ry, my cousin. I heard the word war today and my heart dropped. *sigh*

Of course, then I have a friend that is going through a lot of stuff and I don't know how to help her. And it doesn't help that I can feel her pain. And then my other friend is going through something else and this guy is even bugging me, but I can't do anything because she wants, and needs, to do it in her own. The thing is, she is WAY too nice.

So, right now I just kinda want someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay and that I can do it and there is nothing to worry about... the only thing is, there are only two people who can do that... and the closest one is 12 hours away in Lubbock. It sucks because I really wish he was here. I'll be sitting in class and, randomly, I'll want to just run out of class and run, of four legs like a wolf (like, I don't know why, shift into a wolf) and run all the way to Lubbock just to be with him. I really need him here right now because he is the one that can calm me down and make everything better. When he holds me close I know that he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me for who I am, even when I am having a meltdown. The other person is Ry and he is in Washington and there is no way that I am going to get to see him anytime soon. The earliest would be January and that is only if my parents let me fly up to Washington for a week. I am going to have to BEG them... :(

Ugh. So yeah... that's pretty much everything that is going on and all the crap I am going through right now. Most days I just want to quit. 'Course, it doesn't help that is like 30 degrees outside. Oh! And when we went shopping, my checkbook came in on Sat. before we left, but the post office here is closed until Monday. So yeah.... I am going to have to go get my boots and everything to make the desserts for my speech on Monday... and I need gas... UGH!!! Sometimes I hate life..... #v.v

But I guess that is just life......