Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Wolf

It's Thanksgiving break and I have been home for four days now. Two of which have been filled with the annual stress of cleaning the entire house so it is "presentable" to the whole "clan." However, this is the first year that my sister is a "real" teenager. So, on top of the regular stress of cleaning, she is doing the teen thing. Which includes, but is not limited to: mood swings, occasional ADD, rebelious tendencies, some lazyness, sassyness, criticalness, ect.

Well, you add all that together and you get one frustrated, and slightly angered, me. My wolf doesn't like it. When I get like that I can feel her trying to get to the surface to "protect" me (in a sense). It takes a lot to calm her down and to rein her back in. It takes a lot to calm myself down. The problem is, the thing I really need to do is punch something, or the more practical solution, go for a run. Unfortunately, neither one of those are possible. So, I am stuck with trying to rein her in while doing nothing.

I am so afraid that one day I am just going to snap. And when that happens she will have full control. I have a feeling that if that happenes I won't be able to regain control until she is tired, satisfied, or enough of either or both that I can gain control. It wouldn't be pretty and it would end in disaster. She is usually very calm, but in situations like these, snapping is a possibility because she is distressed and uneasy.

I can feel her inside of me. She is antsy and unsatisfied. It's not good. If I can, I think I'll try to go for a run tomorrow. But for now, all I can do is close my eyes and think peaceful and calm thoughts and hope that is enough. She is begging for control, but I can't give it to her. Not until I am running. She doesn't like being confined and not being able to be let out... especially in times like these... when she is so disturbed. But there isn't anything I can do. Not right now. She and I just have to wait until tomorrow... just until tomorrow...


  1. Elisabeth. As one who deals with the occasional "inner rage" as well, my best advice is this: if running is what will calm yourself down, then calmly and with as much respect as you can, simply tell your parents that you really need to go for a short run (or wii fit, if it's late) to cool off. Then, when you get back, deal with the situation. Pray. Do your thang.
    Also, Meredith has always had the personality she has (sass, etc.), just as you've always had yours. They are both different (not right, not wrong, just DIFFERENT.), and since Meredith is in her junior high developmental stage, certain aspects will be amplified, just as they are with all of us. Be patient with your sister, as you would with a friend. We all have to endure a little 'tude at times, much as others must endure the same from us.
    I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, and admiring your house-cleaning efforts! I know your momma appreciates everything you do to help her out around the house.
    You are loved!

  2. All I have to say is: Gah! and Blech! That is all.

    Oh, and I am so happy you posted again! Journaling helps (and keeps your curious aunt happy...)!