Are You Cruising?

This past weekend I was at a Women's Retreat. (My first women's retreat ever.) The theme was "The Filling Station." Our guest speaker, Vanessa Bonner, spoke about the dangers of cruising the first night. Thinking back, I know what that looks like.

In High School I was running on empty. I looked for other ways to fill myself up. When I felt especially empty, I tried to harm myself. I had a dull knife and thought that physical pain would relieve my emotional emptiness. (I didn't manage to do any real harm.) Mostly, I went to guys. I LONGED for a relationship. Junior year, I got my wish. I met a guy and we started dating. I started felling like I was full. Everything was going good. I was cruising. I graduated and went to college. There I started to feel the drain again. My boyfriend, little by little, stopped talking to me, I felt like I was drowning at school, I didn't think my friends really liked me; I was feeling the drain once again. Not knowing how to fix it, I turned once again to my dull knife. This time I managed to get past the initial layers of skin and make a thin red line. I stopped at that point. I knew it was wrong.

I talked to my cousin and we conjured a plan. I would take a year off from school and come live with him and his parents in Vancouver, Washington. My parents obviously hated this plan and tried to talk me out of it. However, I was bound and determined. So, with a ticket bought by my cousin, I was Washington bound. However, it wasn't a fix all. I still felt drained and empty. I would wait and wait, constantly checking my phone for a text from my boyfriend (who didn't like my decision to move because it would put us father apart, but he would support my decision). Eventually, I would just text him. When I would call him, we would sit in silence. (There was the background noise of video games.) My cousin saw this and insisted I break it off. After much mental debate, more insisting from my cousin, I broke it off. It's the hardest thing I'd ever done.

After a few days, things were looking up. It was like a weight was lifted. I was a free woman! Everything was great! I was having a blast, I got on eharmony, I had a job and my Aunt and Uncle's Pizza restaurant, Vancouver Pizza Company, (best pizza ever, by the way); I was cruising again. I met Tanner on eharmony and we started dating. My mom offered me a job at her law office, so I moved back home. Then I went up to Ohio, where Tanner lived, to help him move down to Louisiana. When he proposed the weekend before my birthday, I felt like the happiest girl alive! Well, until our wedding day about three months later. We went on our honeymoon, I got settled in Louisiana, we found an amazing congregation where we would later place membership; life was great.

Then I got a call from my mom at 8:00 am on October 31st. My grandpa had gone into the bedroom to wake up my grandma only to find that she was gone. My world came crashing down. It was one of those times when you're holding the phone and you don't know what to do or what to say.

(I can't say that the whole time Tanner and I were dating, the engagement, and then the marriage I was completely cruising. I remember growing more than I had in a while in that time. However, I don't think I was completely filling myself with God either. I wasn't looking to Him as much as I should have.)

After the funeral and a few months had passed, I started cruising again. (I had not learned my lesson.) Tanner and I bought our first house, I got a job at Chick-fil-a to help with bills and to try and start a savings fund, and things were going pretty well. It wasn't long until I started to feel really drained, like I was running on empty. Tanner and I were working with the youth and I didn't feel like I had anything to give them because I didn't have anything at all! My general manager quit, another manager quit, things started going downhill fast. Somehow, I injured my knee and it hurt to stand. Thus, Tanner and I decided it was best for me to quit. I thought I had built up enough and we weren't relying on my paycheck. Well, Tanner had a couple months he didn't get a bonus. My "build-up" ran dry. We were having some financial trouble. I kept sitting there thinking, "God will provide. He will lead us to green pastures." He did. He gave us just enough. However, I was still on empty. I wasn't listening. I was just crying out for God to save me. I couldn't hear him over my cries.

Eventually, it got to the point where I needed to get a job. I started putting in applications, praying God would lead me to the right one, praying for God to save me. Eventually, longer than Tanner would have liked, I got a job at a school doing after care. It was good until they docked my hours, because they had the wrong information when they hired me, and then expected us to be tutors, and whole other messes started up.

Somewhere during this, I realized that I didn't need to cruising or filling myself with anything other than God. I started trying to pray every morning. I developed an "outline" for my prayers so I didn't forget to thank him for what he blessed me with or end up just asking for things I wanted or "needed".

I started looking for another job, really asking God what he wanted me to do. One Sunday the sermon was about spiritual gifts. We were all told a site where we could take a test to help you find your spiritual gift. Having always been curious about it, I took it excitedly. Come to find out, my top result was administrative (tasks). This aligned with what I thought I really wanted to do, work in an office, preferably a church. Going off of that, I applied at a place that needed a secretary. I was told they would like to hire me and that I needed to start the hiring process. In this time, I found out that my friend was going to move back to Texas. (Very bittersweet.) Ironically, she was the church "Office Manager". The position I had been praying for since Chick-fil-a was going to be open. (Not that I was praying for her to leave!! I just wanted a position like hers or to be able to work alongside her!) I applied for the job as soon as I found out how. With advice from my husband and my mom, I kept the other job open as a fall-back. God had his plan though. A week after my interview, I was hired. God works in mysterious ways.

When I was asked where I thought I was, I hesitated to say I was full. I knew that I had a drain, as we all do, but I didn't feel the drain like I was going to run on empty anytime soon. Life is good! God is great! Sunday morning, I found my answer to the question of where I was. Vanessa Bonner talked about when we keep ourselves full of God and not ourselves. When we do this we are "draining" into others, but God is constantly filling us. Not only are we "draining" into those around us, we are overflowing into them!

I knew that's where I was. The lesson for me, however, was to make sure I don't start cruising. I know the danger, and I don't want to be there again. I have to remember to stay aware, know when I need to refill and always keep God as my number one. I know Satan is out there ready to hit me with something, but if I stay aware and make sure I am constantly filling myself with God, He will sustain me and I will make it though with His help.

So, my question to you is, where are you? Are you cruising, running on empty, or filled with God and overflowing into those around you?

Keep on keeping on.

Excitement is in the air!

A lot has gone on in the last few months. Things have been so busy and crazy and AWESOME! I'll just try to summarize everything. :P

So, I came back from Ohio via Louisiana. I helped Tanner move down there for his job. I got him all moved into his condo there and then he took me back here to Dallas. He visited me every weekend after that. My birthday was coming up, but it was on the weekend we were going back up to Ohio to staff Jr. High Week at Camp. So, I had a family birthday party the weekend before.

Well, unbeknownst to me, Tanner was plotting with my parents.

On June 8th, I was taken to a park by my mom, something to consider for any possible future wedding (or so I was led to believe), after getting my hair done. There, Tanner had a picnic waiting for me, much ealier than he should have been there had he left Louisiana when I thought he had. We ate and talked until 8:09pm when he got down on one knee and proposed!

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!! :D

After that, we had my party and then my parents drove me down to Louisiana so Tanner and I could head up to Ohio for camp. Camp was amazing! I saw God all over the place all the time! It was do cool! And God moved me and worked on me and through me in so many ways! It was the best camp experience I've ever had.

As soon as we got back, we immediately continued the wedding planning. We got registered and everything and then my Dad took me back to Dallas. Since then, we've been planning like crazy. It doesn't seem like it's been that long since then. But apparently it has. We are 18 days out from the wedding. Technicly 17 since today is almost over. :P

17 days...

17!

Needless to say, I am super psyched! As well as my wonderful fiance Tanner. I can not wait to be Mrs. Ellsworth. :D

Soon, I will be walking down the asile. Yay!

Keep on keeping on! :D

A New Chapter

Right at this very moment, I am 38,999 feet in the air. That's right. I'm on a plane. With WiFi. How cool is that?! It costed me $5, but it's worth it! Ha ha! Anyway, I am on my way back to Dallas after being in Vancouver and packing my things for five days. Six months I've been in Vancouver, Washington, and I look back and see how much I have grown.

When I got to Vancouver, I had just finished my first year of college. I was taking a step out on my own and, quite to my parents dismay, not going back to school and moving what seems like a bazillion miles away. It was a scary step. I had no car, hardly any money, and no job. But I knew I would be with family, and I hadn't seen my cousin, Ry in over a year. I was with my ex and honestly, on an emotional roller coaster that went hand in hand with that. In three words, I was young. It's funny to look back and see who I was then and who I am now. The change isn't drastic, and it happened little by little, but there is a big change.

Because of my time working at Vancouver Pizza Company and being pretty much out on my own, I found myself. Sure, I still am finding more and more of myself everyday, but I gained clarity in areas that I would never have found had I not left Dallas. (Or at least it would have taken me a very long time if I did.) I have become more solid in my faith and find myself closer to God. I have become more outgoing and more outspoken. I'm no longer the girl who hardly talks and strays away from people. I still have to warm up to people, but I don't just stand in a corner and sew my lips shut. I found myself greeting customers that walked in the door, occasionally seating people, taking food out to tables, and handing customers the pizza they ordered to-go. I goofed around with my fellow co-workers, while diligently doing my job of course, and learned to come up with joking, witty remarks to whatever got thrown at me jokingly. I also became more clear in what I wanted in my future husband. Sure, Eharmony helped with that, but so did my experiences. Eharmony just matched me up with the wonderful man I am with today. Though if it hadn't been for God, we wouldn't have found each other. Nor would any of this have happened. God gets ALL the credit. It is through Him that I get my strength.

It's crazy to look back and see how much I have changed and grown. And I know that I will say the same thing six months from now about who I am today that I am saying about who I was six months ago. And so-on and so-on.

I will start my new job tomorrow at my mom's law firm. I am extremely nervous, but I know that I can do it because God has opened this door and lead me to this decision as he did with the decision to move to Vancouver. He has a plan and I place my trust in Him. I am going to miss my family in Washington dearly, in fact, I already do. But I know I will see them again and I am so grateful for the time that I had with them. I love them all very much.

On a side note, what's really crazy is to think about my future. In five months and five days I will turn 20! I won't be a teen anymore! What's even crazier is that I could be married in three years and by eight years there is a possibility that I could have kids! I'd be 28! (Well, in eight years five months and five days.) It's just crazy! And before anyone gets any wild, crazy ideas, no I do not know when I am getting married or anything else. The possibility of that happening is just there. Ha ha ha! But I mean, if you think about it, it really is just there. I'd be 22. ANYWAY, I'm going off on a tangent about that.. ha ha! The thing is, I don't feel old. I don't feel like in eight years I could possibly be pregnant or have kids. It's just freaky. But those will be chapters of my life to be written later, when the time comes. :)

And so a chapter has ended and a new chapter begins.

Keep on keeping on.

Elisabeth

It's that time again...

Once again, I find myself having to make a hard desision. On the one hand, I don't want to leave behind the pizza store and Ry and Cliff and Karen, but, on the other hand, I'd be making more money and be able to spend more time with Meredith and have set hours and have my own place and have a car. The choice seems obvious doesn't it? But my heart is torn. I think of other peoples feelings and how they would react. Sure, I talked to Ry about it, but he is being hard to read and it doesn't help that he is sick.

I guess maybe what I am really worried about, is how to tell my aunt Karen. I've have grown close to her in my time in Washington, and I don't want her to have to worry about the store anymore than she has to. And I'd probably go up to visit in June or July as that is when Tanner is thinking about visiting. He has to meet Ry eventually. Ha ha! Perhaps I have made up my mind...

Keep on keeping on.

Status: Super, duper, UBER excited and happy! And TAKEN!

I said I'd keep you updated, so here's the update! I have a BOYFRIEND! Ah! Getting used to that word again is so weird!! But weird in a good way! :D I think it's only fair that I at least tell you his name... Tanner! He's amazing... as I stated in the post yesterday.. haha! He's sweet and caring and considerate and good to his family and uber nice to me and a Godly guy... sigh...

Okay! So I'm smitten/ twitterpated/ whatever! What can I say? He's cute and wonderful! And an engineer! Totally amazing! And I wouldn't be surprised if I hear about him reading this tomorrow... but that's fine with me! Hehe! I am so excited to see him in like... 16 days!! Ah! Of course I am looking forward to seeing my wonderful family in 14 days as well. He he!

Anyways, in other news... as if that wasn't news enough.. ha ha! I was reading through some of my posts last night and read the one from over a year ago.. the one before I left to go to Harding. It's kinda strange to see how I was then. I was so scared to move 6 hours away from them and worried about money and all of this other craziness. Now I'm across the nation (pretty much) and working a job and not really worried about anything. I mean there are occasions when I freak out, but they are more and more rare and far between. I mean, I think about the money I may spend traveling to Texas or Ohio and making sure I have enough money to do whatever, not spending like crazy or anything. But mostly I try to save as much money I can.

But anyway. It's just kinda cool to see how much I have grown and become my own person who can manage her finances and make her own desicions! I have to give all the credit to God though. I couldn't have done any of this with out his guidance. Like moving up here! One of the best desicions I've made! It's helped me grow and really find myself, as well as get all my priorites straight and what I'm looking for straight. Which could bring me full circle, but I won't go all crazy again with all my excitment and what not in that area. :P Sure, I'm busy and have to get up earlier than I'd really like to, but that's life! And sure I don't have a car, but I've learned to manage. And if I really need to get somewhere then I just have to ask Ryan or my aunt and we can usually get something worked out. But I never would have done it had I not felt led to by God. And I know that probably sounds really "Christiany" but it's the truth. And I don't mind sounding like that because that's who I am, a Christian. And if I'd never moved up here I may have never met my boyfriend. (There's that word again.. ha ha!) :)

So, in summary, things are good! Now if I can just finish one of my books! Ha ha! In time.. sigh. Ha ha!

Keep on, keeping on. :)

Elisabeth