Day 11 of Who Knows How Long...

It's day 11 of the Stay-at-Home order here in Louisiana. There is something psychological that happened when this order hit. Though my life didn't change very much, already being at home most of the time anyway, the thought that I shouldn't go anywhere or invite anyone over made me a little crazy. All of the things I would have done, all of the events that were canceled, not being to go to the church building on Sunday and fellowship with my church family in person, having to really plan what to get at the store and when to avoid all the insanity; it all just boggles my mind a little. And in short, it makes me SO SAD.

I'm sad for my sister who didn't get to go back to Harding after Spring Break and show off her engagement ring and do all the fun things that go with that. I'm sad that she won't get to be Piper Meredith again because everything got canceled. I'm sad that her graduation that she worked so hard for was pushed to August.

I'm sad for all the seniors in High School who are missing all the fun things that come right before graduation.

I'm sad for all the kids who will be moving to different schools next year and are missing these last few weeks with the friends at their current school.

I'm sad that the Women's Retreat was postponed until January. I'm sad that the Youth Beach Retreat was canceled.

I'm sad that people are losing their jobs. I'm sad that people are trying to figure out how to work from home and home school their kids at the same time. I'm sad that hours are being cut and people are suffering.

Y'all. I'm SAD.

However, it's okay to be sad. And while God is sovereign over everything (EVEN COVID-19), there is a period of mourning that is allowed to happen. We NEED to mourn the things that we are missing out on. To try and move on without acknowledging the grief of all that we were looking forward to would truly be insanity.

So, if you're at home and you're not being as productive as you could be. It's okay. If you're just sad and want to sit on the couch and binge watch shows. It's okay. Take the time to mourn. Take the time to grieve the loss.

But whatever you do, DON'T STAY THERE. Grieve and let God heal you, then get back up and LIVE. We may not be able to do all the things we want to, but there are lots of things we can do. Pick up that to do list of things you keep putting off because you never have time. Call a friend. Video chat with a friend! Take a walk outside. Have a picnic outside. Enjoy the time you now have with your family.

In all things, PRAISE GOD for he is GOOD.

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

Heartbroken

In the past few days, there has been a shooting in Baton Rouge (an hour away from where I live), and a shooting in the city I grew up in, Dallas. I am sickened. I am angry. I am heartbroken.

I admit I don't know a lot of what happened in Baton Rouge and I don't know much of what happened in Dallas. What I do know is a man was killed who happened to be black and mass amount of people are enraged because the color of peoples skin. So enraged that people of the same skin color are stopping traffic to "protest". So enraged that they "protest" in a violent way and 5 officers/security guards lost their lives.

When will it stop?!

Nothing is about skin color. No one is being oppressed unless it is of their own doing. If you really think something is happening, there is a peaceful way of doing it. Look at Martin Luther King Jr. Look at Gandhi. Violence to bring about change is doing nothing. How is what you have done any better than what that cop in Baton Rouge supposedly did?

Stop with the hashtags. Stop with the "protests". Stop with the madness. This isn't solving anything.

A people divided is a people conquerable. Nothing will get done until we band together. All lives matter. Not just a certain skin color or ethnicity. All people are God's children and we should treat them as such.

My heart is broken. I am in tears for the families that lost loved ones. I am in tears for people who are so lost that they think this is okay. I pray for those people. I pray God shows up in a BIG way in their lives. I pray they find Him and His peace. I hope you will join me in prayer. Through Christ, all things are possible and all things can be healed.

Pray for the families. Pray for the "protesters". Pray for peace. For God is the ruler of all things.

Positivity Struggles

This past week has been met with many a thing. Tanner and I were glad it was finally the weekend and things looked bright! We spent the day playing video games and relaxing, but finally got stir-crazy enough that we decided we'd use that extra money left in July's budget (woot!) for restaurants to go out and get a snack since it was happy hour at Sonic.

There we decided finally get my car washed! I suggested we check out the family owned place that dries your car after it goes through the wash. We get there, pay for the wash in which they clean out the car. A few minutes after we had been inside, one of the guys comes in wondering whose red Pontiac they had. Tanner stood up and the guy said, "You have a flat tire."

This surprised us both. We hadn't heard anything, the tires didn't look flat at all when we got out. Suspiciously, Tanner went out and checked it out with them. Turns out my car got out of alignment and my two front tires were worn to the belt.

Thankfully, Tanner had the good jack in the back and he got the spare on the one that was flat so they could get it through the wash. My wonderful husband came back inside, frustrated, and told me what happened. My heart sunk. Tanner kept telling me it was a miracle that we had driven on it without anything happening for so long, but all I could think about was that we were going to need to buy two new tires (at least) and we were still working on getting our $1000 emergency fund back in place to complete Dave Ramsey's Baby Step 1 so we could move on to Baby Step 2 which is tackling our debt!

They finished my car and we went outside only to find new scratches on my car door. Both the passenger side, and the driver side.

Passenger door scratches.

Driver door scratch (gouge).

Unfortunately, we didn't see the extent until we got home and thus there was no point in going back. Tanner is also not completely sure they the scratches happened there. Add on to that the tires that could blow any minute if we drove on them.

I cried the whole way home. He was trying to stay positive and all I could do was cry because we were going to have to use our emergency fund once again. (We had to use most of it, since we had actually complete Baby Step 1, last month for Tanner's wisdom teeth removal. Though God provided there too so we had plenty to cover it and we got to pay in cash so we got the cash discount! :D )

It seemed hopeless. I felt as though we were never going to get to Baby Step 2 and we would always be stuck on Baby Step 1 thus we wouldn't get out non-mortgage debt paid off until 2027 or something crazy like that. It seemed Murphy's law had struck again. It seemed like Murphy was here to stay.

Sunday, I was still pretty down. As I got ready for church, my eye started to hurt. I tried all my usual tactics but I started to fear it was my contact. I refused to take them out, much to Tanner's displeasure, and we headed off to church. I suffered through the pain all through class and worship and our youth small group. We got home and Tanner had forgotten as I hadn't said anything for a while. SO, we sat and played video games until I said something about it hurting and he threatened to turn the game off if I didn't take them out.

Begrudgingly, I went upstairs and took the one that was hurting out first. Tanner came up with me, probably make sure I actually did it. :P

OH THE PAIN! Normally it hurts a little if I take out a contact that has been bothering me simply because the eye is irritated. But this! This was SO much worse! My eye watered and it was hard to keep it open! I told Tanner, "It feels like there is still something on my eye!"

I managed to pry it open and touch my eye where I felt something. I looked at my finger and there WAS something still in my eye! To me it looked like a piece of plastic, but Tanner informed me it was more likely some polyester or something.

In all that process, I realized that I had been wearing my last pair of contacts. It was time to order more. Another thing the emergency fund was going to have to cover since contacts are SO expensive and we hadn't planned for that expense. I was able to use what was left for July, as it would have gone into the fund anyway, so I didn't have to pull so much out.

Thus, for the last couple days I have been in a HUGE slump. I was having to wear my glasses so my eyes could heal (and if you know me, you know how much I HATE wearing glasses), we found out that my tire size is such a weird size that hardly anyone carries them in stock, we were looking  at the cost of buying the tires, getting them balanced and such, and then getting an alignment done; it was like the bad was never ending.

Tanner has been staying positive. He realizes the fact that it's not a big deal because we DO have the money we do set aside for these types of things. If we hadn't just gone through Financial Peace University, this would have devastated us and it would have had to go on one of the credit cards because we wouldn't have had the money. Tanner knows that we are going to be okay and that God is going to take care of us. He knows that as long as we stick to the plan, we will be back on track and tackling the debt in no time.

I know all of this to be true. I know that God is going to take care of us. However, I'm struggling to be grateful. I'm struggling to stay positive. I don't have my car to drive, we are having to carpool everyday in Tanner's truck (he drives to his work and then I drive to mine, then back to his work and he drives home), I was wearing my glasses (which of the two pairs I have, were the not a good pair since the lenses are apparently smaller, found that out last night), AND I couldn't eat anything yesterday because I had my medical exam thing for the life insurance I am getting. (Tanner had his done last week for his insurance.)

Today is a little better, though it started out rough due to my contacts being fuzzy while my eyes adjusted and waking up with the same headache I got in the middle of the night last night. I got some food in my stomach, and then coffee, my contacts cleared up and I'm okay. Yesterday, we got my contacts AND tires ordered! Tires will be here Monday and contacts on Thursday.

I'm slowly regaining my positivity. It's been a struggle though, and I'm not sure why. I guess I need to try and focus on the good. I need to focus on God... He is my comforter, I just have to truly believe it and seek Him.

Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. 

Too Close For Comfort

There was a tragedy last night. Tanner and I were at home when we saw the news on Facebook. Someone decided that shooting at a theater was a good idea. It's awful and terrible and incredibly sad.

It scares me. It wasn't just any theater. It was the one here in Lafayette. Just a few miles away from our cozy house, our friends; in our community. Several people were injured and a two lost their lives to this madness. The shooter turned the gun on himself and ended his life as well.

We weren't there last night, but if we had gone to the movies, the Grand 16 on Johnston Street is the theater we would have gone to. In fact, we were just there on Sunday watching Ant-Man. I am deeply saddened by what happened. I can't look at the news on Facebook and not tear up. My heart sinks for the victims and those that were witnesses.

Thank God for the person that was able to pull the fire alarm and get everyone else out safely. Thank God for the people who helped the injured. Thank God for our police men and women and those that serve our community. Thank God that there weren't any more casualties than there were.

I don't know why a 59 year old man from Alabama came to a theater in Louisiana with a gun and started shooting. I do know, however, that the gun he had isn't the problem.

Guns can not shoot themselves. Guns can not make a person do anything. MAN shoots a gun. MAN uses them for evil. MAN commits SIN.

Just like you can't blame a pencil for misspelling words, you can't blame a gun for shooting. It is MAN that picks it up, aims, and pulls the trigger.

A gun is a tool, just like a hammer, and screwdriver, and a knife.

Please pray for the community of Lafayette, Louisiana. Pray for the families of the victims. Pray for healing. Pray for wisdom. Pray for peace.

Good is good. His love endures forever. Amen.

Dealing with a Loss

Today is filled with greif and sorrow. Thoughts of what was left undone and what will never come to pass.

My grandmother died last night. Apparently it was just her time. She died in her sleep. My mom called me this morning with the news as she tried not to weep over the phone, to be strong. I couldn't believe it at first. There was nothing to suggest she was going to pass. I can't imagine what my grandpa is going through right now.

Tanner and I had already planned to go to Dallas next weekend for the marriage seminar. I was looking forward to seeing all of my family. Now.. I'm guessing we'll be heading up there sometime this week or this weekend.

I was looking forward to seeing her at Thanksgiving.. and Christmas (or around Christmas time depending on what Tanner and I worked out).. I already had her gift, and I knew she was going to love it. I was looking forward to seeing her at the hospital when my aunt gave birth.. I was looking forward to her seeing my children... So my kids could have a great-grandmother since I didn't get that pleasure because she died soon after my parents got married.

It's funny how life repeats itself.. the same thing that happened to my mom, though probably not in the same time frame, happened to me. My kids will never get to know their great-grandma, just like I didn't get to meet mine. I never wanted that for them. I wanted my grandma to live to see both my sister and I get married. I wanted her to live to see our children. I prayed that she would live that long. I guess God had a different plan.

I wish I could be there for my family. I wish I could hug my parents and hold my sister. I wish I hug my aunts and help my little cousins through this. I know what it's like loosing a grandparent at a young age. My dad's parents died when I was 10 and 11. I know it's going to be so hard on them.

And it just hit me.. she never go to see the pictures from my wedding. Oh the things that were left undone!

I don't want to ask God why. It's not my place. Yet, I find myself  feverishly wanting to cry out and ask why He took her so soon!

If you're reading this, I ask that you keep my family in your prayers. I think this is hard on all of us.. really hard. I'm not sure yet when the funeral is going to be. This is not how I wanted to see my family again. But I can't change that. God has a plan. I just pray he help us all heal quickly. Between this and the news I recived yesterday... it's been a hard week, and I have a feeling that it's going to continue that way. (If you can, pray for someone dear to me. I can't give details.)

I guess there is only one way to go now... forward...

Keep on keeping on.

RIP Grandma. I miss you.

Perhaps this is for the best.

My heart is broken,

But it's probably better this way.

You know I'll always love you

And that I'll never forget you.

We had a good times and bad times,

But it was a good 2 years, 11 months, and a day.

Maybe there is a future for us

Later down the road.

Maybe when we are more mature,

When we both have our priorities straight,

When we both know exactly what we want.

But for now I'm just going to try and move on,

Find out what's best for me.

Unfortunately, if you think about it,

Right now it wouldn't have worked anyway.

If we kept this going and gotten married

And my writing took off,

I'd go away on book tours

And the not talking would drive me insane.

So, I know it hurts now,

But I just couldn't take the silence any more.

I put my heart and my best into the relationship.

But I just wasn't getting much back.

I can't handle a relationship where I feel disconnected.

I know texting or calling or Skyping doesn't help much,

But it's better than nothing.

Every little bit helps.

So, again, know that I love you

And that I'll never forget you.

I know where I am supposed to be right now.

There are too many opportunities to ignore here.

So, maybe this is better in the long run.

Goodbye is hard,

But sometimes it's the right thing.

There might be a future for us,

But I can't focus on that right now.

Hopefully, we can still be friends,

Because you are an amazing and sweet and loyal and great guy.

We can both move on,

We'll both survive,

And some how

Something GOOD will come out of this.

If You Looked Into My Eyes (song)

I seem happy,

But you don't see

The storms raging inside.

I am laughing,

Though you don't see

That I'm crying inside.

They say eyes are the window into our souls,

And I'd tell you that's true.

But you don't seem to care,

Like you don't even want to know

That I'm dying!

But if you looked into my eyes,

You'd see I'm dead inside.

If you looked into my eyes,

You'd see there's nothing inside.

If you really actually looked deep into my eyes

You would see

I'm not who I seem to be

On the outside.

I am aching and breaking;

I can't live this way.

I am crying, I'm dying,

You don't care anyway.

You are the one who has any chance of saving me.

Are you even seeing me?

Andif you looked into my eyes,

You'd see I'm dead inside.

If you looked into my eyes,

You'd see there's nothing inside.

If you really actually looked deep into my eyes

You would see

I'm not who I seem to be

On the outside.

And would you even care

If I died today?

Oh, would you even care

If I laid down

And never woke again?

If you looked into my eyes,

You'd see I'm dead inside.

If you looked into my eyes,

You'd see there's nothing inside.

If you really actually looked deep into my eyes

You would see

I'm not who I seem to be

On the outside.

Oh, no.

On the outside.

I'm back!! ... maybe...

Hey! So... I know I haven't been on in a while. There is a really good reason for that. In my family, you mess up once and you get grounded from everything until who knows when. So right now I just have my itouch. It took four weeks but I have it.

Anyway! My birthday has come and gone and I am now officially an adult! Woo hoo! Got my dl renewed, and I won't have to do it again until 2016!! And even then I can do it online. But yeah! So that's exciting. What isn't exciting is my boyfriend left with his dad, to go work for him... 6 hours away from here, the day after I came back from summer experience, which is where I got registered for my classes for college. O.o Anyway, I didn't know til that day and so, after already being on an emotional roller coster and being scared about college... I was in a slump and crying my eyes out... Er as much as I could while driving.

Of course then I went and saw Wicked... Second row, middle seats... In other words, AWESOME!!!! In other good news, I finally got my car rigged to play my itouch!! Woo hoo! No flipping through radio stations while driving to college!! Lol!

Anyway, that's what's been up with me lately. :)

No good, really crudy, completely horrible day.

Have you ever had a day where everything seems to be against you? Like nothing can go right? Well, that was my day. I am exhausted and stressed and worn out. I mean, I only have six days of classes left to bring my grades up to A's. And my teachers are giving me projects, and I'm up at the school until six thirty or later everyday, and then I come home and try to do homework...

Like today, I was down because I didn't get to show my music video in class today, that I am extremely proud of, because we ran out of time. Well, then I go to practice, hoping I get another solo for Muse in "Mamma, I'm a Big Girl Now," only to find out that I'm just the mom who hardly does anything and the girls that got the solos are the ones who usually get the solos. I mean, how am I supposed to shine if I don't get any opportunites to do so?

So I get in the car and I'm already crying... but then I get home and there are a bunch of people in my kitchen. My mom was hosting a Pampered Chef party and I totally forgot. So I quickly walked back to my room so that no one could see my face and I could go cry in the privacy and darkness of my room. When my face cleared and my sobbing stopped, I joined them and had a good talk with my aunt Cristy. :) The brownies were delicious.

After everyone left, I had to do my Bible project. I had to look up a religon and find out stuff about it so that I can present it to the class. I found one that looked fairly easy and found a few good sites, e-mailed them to myself... and I basically going to wing it. My brain is maxed out to do anything more. Plus, I need to get the huge photoshop portfolio done. Xp

So yeah... that how my life is at the moment. One of the girls, who does most of the choreography, is doing a dance call at her house on Saturday. From my understanding, it's if you need any help. My plan is to sleep in.. plus, I don't know where her house is. lol! Anyway, I need some sleep... and some relaxation...