Warrior Princess

At our women's retreat this weekend, our theme was all the King's Daughters. We were reminded about how we are chosen and redeemed, what our identity is in Christ, and the 5 crowns promised to us. I was asked to pose another truth that I would like to share with you in this format as well.

We are not just Princesses who sit in a castle and wave to the adoring people below wearing our frilly pink dresses. No. For one, being royalty means a Princess is always on. People look to her constantly as an example. Enemies are watching for the smallest sign of weakness. We are Princesses under constant scrutiny, yes. But that is not all we are. We are warriors. 

Typically when we think warrior we a man in armor ready for war on a battlefield. However, women are called to be warriors as well. In fact, there is a need for us to become warriors. Because of our status as daughters of God, we are a target. Satan wants to destroy us because we are God’s poema, his masterpiece and we are so loved by Him. We are part of an epic battle. But Satan doesn’t want us to recognize that there even is a battle. The enemy knows your name and knows your potential. He has an irreconcilable hostility for you. No one launches a large scale, systematic attack against something that is not considered a threat.

Every one of us has been attacked in one way or another. The approach taken looks different for every person. But his end goal is the same for each of us; that we are distracted from who we really are and what the purpose of our life truly is. It is his objective to lure us off the path of strength, life, and authority and onto a course of intentional destruction. More often than not, you will encounter the greatest resistance when you intentionally decide to follow God. If you think about it, Matthew chapter 3 verse 13 thru chapter 4 verse 1 reveals that right after Jesus was baptized he was lead into the wilderness by the Spirit to be tempted by the devil.

The July before I entered 3rd grade, I was baptized. That August I entered the world of public school. I had no idea what the next three years had in store for me. Over the course of those years, I was bullied by a girl I thought was my friend as she was nice to my face (when she wasn’t trying to one up everything I was experiencing) but would spread rumors about me behind my back. There was also a boy and his friend who started to pick on me after I had to tell him my mom wouldn’t let me have a boyfriend in the 3rd grade. In the 5th grade, I lost my grandfather on my Dad’s side and felt a misconceived sense of guilt because the last time I saw him I ended up being sick and threw up all over their living room floor. I didn’t know what was happening at time, but I was under serious spiritual attack by Satan. I had lit the flame of Christ in me and Satan was doing everything in his power to snuff it out.

That’s the thing. He doesn’t care how old you are, what stage of life you are in, what your financial status is, or whether you are married or not. He will come after you with everything he has in order to destroy you and make you forget WHOSE you are. Especially when you are on the right path. See, we are not warriors in the physical sense. We are warriors in a spiritual battle. 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 says:

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 

As Warrior Princesses the way we fight will differ from the way a man does in some ways. Male and female each have a role to play. Each of us show a different side of God. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, said, “Jesus the Lover is pink; Jesus the Lord is blue. Pink and blue together make purple, the color of royalty.” Male and female are different by God’s design. We have each been given different assets and talents to bring glory to God. When used in tandem, we really show the world who God is. Thus the way we wage war may often look a little different from the way our men wage war.

In Judges 4 we read about a woman warrior, Deborah. We read that once again the Israelites have turned against God and so he handed them over to the King of Canaan by way of his commander Sisera. It’s after 20 years that when Israelites cry out to God for deliverance from their oppression that we meet Deborah. We pick up the story at verse 4.

Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel at that time. She used to sit under the palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the people of Israel came up to her for judgment. She sent and summoned Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh-naphtali and said to him, “Has not the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded you, ‘Go, gather your men at Mount Tabor, taking 10,000 from the people of Naphtali and the people of Zebulun. And I will draw out Sisera, the general of Jabin's army, to meet you by the river Kishon with his chariots and his troops, and I will give him into your hand’?” Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, I will go, but if you will not go with me, I will not go.” And she said, “I will surely go with you. Nevertheless, the road on which you are going will not lead to your glory, for the Lord will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.” Then Deborah arose and went with Barak to Kedesh. And Barak called out Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh. And 10,000 men went up at his heels, and Deborah went up with him.

As we read on we see that the Lord did as Deborah had said he would and brought Sisera out. Once they were there, Deborah once again encourages Barak in verse 14. “And Deborah said to Barak, ‘Up! For this is the day in which the Lord has given Sisera into your hand. Does not the Lord go out before you?’” Barak and his men go down and defeat the army, but Sisera flees and is felled by a tent spike brandished by a woman named Jael.

Deborah wasn’t a warrior in the way Barak was a warrior. She was a wife and a prophetess who went to the battlefield because Barak requested it of her. Deborah is respectful of him and his wishes even as she tells him that the honor of striking Sisera down will not be his, but a woman’s, because he refused to go without her. And if you notice, Deborah didn’t take control of the situation into her own hands. She affirms Barak’s leadership by giving him every opportunity to rise up and encourages Barak to lead his army into battle.

See, we are called to fight in this battle in the way only we can. As women, we can encourage our men to step up and lead as they were called to do. We are the help-meet for men, their suitable helper. The way we encourage them is something only we can do.

Take Esther as another example. She didn’t go to the battlefield like Deborah, though as a Royal Lady of that time she may have known archery and horsemanship and may have gone on hunts with the King, but she was the only one who could save the rest of the Jews. Flip over to Esther chapter 4.

In the previous chapters we see that Esther was taken into the palace after the King banishes Queen Vashti and follows the advice from his wise men to make a decree to find a new queen. While she is being prepared to go to the king, we see that she wins the favor of everyone she comes in contact with. When her time came to see the king, he was more attracted to her than any of the other women and she won his favor and approval more than any of the other women and thus he made her queen.

After this we find that a man named Haman is honored and given a very high position in which all the other nobles knelt down and paid honor to him. However, Mordecai, Esther’s cousin, refused to do so because he was a Jew. Thus Haman developed a plot to kill Mordecai by killing all of the Jews disguising his motives by presenting it in a way to King Xerxes that he would think the Jews were a threat to his authority. When Mordecai hears of this plot he tears his clothes and put on the sackcloth and ashes and mourned in front of the king’s gate. Esther hears about this and commands one of the king’s eunuchs to find out why. When she finds out and it is relayed to her Modecai’s command to go to the King, she sends the eunuch back with this message we see in verse 11.

“All the king's servants and the people of the king's provinces know that if any man or woman goes to the king inside the inner court without being called, there is but one law—to be put to death, except the one to whom the king holds out the golden scepter so that he may live. But as for me, I have not been called to come in to the king these thirty days.”

There is some evidence that suggest no one could see the King unless called for by the King or granted permission by the chiliarch who would demand to know their business. This bring up the question of why Esther didn’t just ask for permission. Scholars think that the high position given to Haman was the position of chiliarch. If this was indeed the case, trying to get permission would mean going to Haman and having to reveal her purpose to him. Doing this would put her in a difficult position to say the least. Continuing on in verse 13:

Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. 14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” 15 Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, 16 “Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.”

Despite being scared for her life, she decides to go before the king after a time of fasting in hopes of obtaining God’s favor. She says, “If I perish, I perish.” It reminds me of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when, in the face on the fiery furnace, they told King Nebuchadnezzar that they believed God would deliver them but if not they would still never bow to any other god. This models such courage and such faith. Esther was in the opportune position to go to the King to get the edict repealed. She knew attempting this might mean forfeit of her life, but she went anyway.

As we know, King Xerxes held his scepter out to her and she followed a typical Near Eastern protocol for presenting a request. She begins by asking a small favor, the king and Haman’s attendance at a banquet she had prepared, and then works her way up to the real issue of Haman’s plot. Esther fought the battle in a way only she could.

Likewise we must fight in the ways only we can. We must armor up and fight the spiritual battle around us. Either we fight, or we forfeit. There is no lukewarm in this battle. C.S. Lewis wrote, “There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God, and counter-claimed by Satan.”

We have to armor up. In order to do so, we must know what our armor is. Flip over to Ephesians 6.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,

Our weapon is the sword of the Spirit, the word of God. We use it to counter Satan’s attacks to divide us from God and each other. I would like to pose several ways in which we can wield it.

The first is Prayer.

Ephesians 6:18 – After listing the armor of God Paul continues, “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,”

James 5:13-16 – “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

We need to become prayer warriors, praying for all who are in need and even those who are not. We must pray as we rejoice and pray as we struggle. Just as Esther fasted and petitioned God for his favor before going before King Xerxes. We have a great God that hears our prayers and listens to our pleas alongside our praise. We may not get the answer we want, but our Father hears us and knows what is best for us. His will is far better than our own and we must trust His judgement to the fullest.

The second is Words.

Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Our words can be used as a weapon against people or against Satan. They can be used for good and bring life and peace, or even and bring death and chaos. Just as Deborah chose her words carefully so that she did not disrespect Barak but only gave glory to God. Our words are a big deal. The power of our words is stronger than we sometimes realize!

Matthew 12:36-37 – “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

A single word can lift someone up or tear them down. And what we say will comes from our hearts.

Matthew 12:34 – Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

So the question we have to ask ourselves is, what is abundant in my heart? Is it of God or is it of the world? Our hearts should be filled with God’s word and He should be reflected in our words. In contrast, listening to what other people say about you may cause you to forget who you actually are.

Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

God’s word has the power to sever what entangles us. It convicts us when we are in sin. It renews our minds, transforms our hearts, and changes our lives when we read or hear it. We must remember what the Word of God tells us about who we are and WHOSE we are.

Sometimes the way we use our words is to not use them at all. Sometimes we fight by holding our tongue and staying silent as we stand out ground. This may be because what wants to be blurted out of our mouth is not for God’s glory.

James 1:19-20 – Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

It could also be that we just need to be still and know He is God and we are not.

Psalm 46:10 - “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

It may be we stay silent because we need to shut our mouth and open our ears and eyes to God’s glory. Perhaps He wants to show you that He is fighting this battle and that He is already the victor.

The third way is Worship.

We battle as we worship. Worship is more than just singing before a sermon or songs in general for that matter. We worship God in all that we do, whether at work or home or in our cars; everything we do should bring glory to God.

Colossians 3:16-17 - Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 Corinthians 10:31 - So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

When we worship God in all we do, we change the environment around us. Satan will have a harder time getting to us because we will be focused solely on God, bringing glory to Him and not ourselves. Those around us will notice a difference and an opportunity might arise to share the gospel with them.

Above all other ways is Love.

1 Corinthians 13 - If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

James 13:34-35 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

1 Corinthians 16:14 - Let all that you do be done in love.

Philippians 1:9 – It is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment.

If we are to look like God, we are called to love. For we know that love is the only way to reach people. In the book Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere, she says, “Where love is stunted, the darkness of deception abounds; where love flourishes, knowledge and discernment increase proportionally.” To echo this look at 1 John 2:9-11.

Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. 10 Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. 11 But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

It’s pretty straightforward. Hate lives in the dark while love lives in the light. If what we are doing and what we are saying are not loving, then we are in the dark. This isn’t to say that we condone everything, by no stretch of the imagination. If we have a friend or loved one who is walking in sin, we can confront them in love. There is always a loving way of doing things. This is what we are commanded to do. Everything that we do or say should be out of love, for God is love.

Remember, we do not fight to tear down, but to build up. We destroy evil by doing good. And as daughters of God, we can not hold back forgiveness. Refusing to forgive is allowing the devil to win. Forgiveness brings healing to both the one being forgiven and the forgiver. Just as our Father in heaven forgives us, we must forgive those who hurt us. It’s the loving thing to do.

To be a great warrior for God, we must first surrender our all to Him. Any time we feel the push to fight, we must first examine the push and make sure it is of God. Every day we must surrender to Him and His will for us in order for him to work in and through us. It is only then that God can make us into mighty warriors for Him.

Romans 12:1-2 – I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

We fight by sacrificing our worldly desires for the holy and perfect will of God and doing everything for God’s glory. If we live every aspect of our lives for God, the enemy can’t get to us as easily. If we are genuinely striving to be like Christ and are continually focused on Him, Satan will have a harder time swaying our thoughts. More than ever, our focus must be on Christ and we must reflect His love and His light.

The good news is that this battle belongs to the Lord. He has already overcome and conquered. Though that doesn’t mean Satan will stop trying to separate us from our Father. And we will fail, but as long as we get back up again, repenting and putting the armor of God back on and entering back into the fight, He will strengthen us.

Proverbs 24:16 - for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.

We do not rely on our own strength, but the strength of the Lord God Almighty. Philippians 4:13 states “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

We can have courage and know that with God on our side, we will not be defeated. As it says in Romans 8:31-39:

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And in 1 John 4:4 - Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

As well as 1 Peter 2:9 - But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Because of everything that happened in my elementary years, I became an extremely shy and introverted person. I unknowingly built walls to protect myself, but they really only served to isolate myself from those that loved me. I clamed up and forgot who I was, God’s beloved daughter, His warrior princess.

I implore you to always remember that you are a child of God. Nothing can separate you from Him. You are His warrior princess and your task is to exemplify Him to all the world, bringing Shalom, peace, to the chaos around you.

The Battlefeild

Last Friday I had a friend pray over me. She and I have been talking for a while about the struggles of life and the spiritual battlefield. She told me her story and she is helping me grow and understand more.

This weekend Tanner and I went on the youth group Beach Retreat. On our way there I was sitting there thinking and, for some reason, my mind wandered back to elementary school. I had this insane realization.

I was baptized just after I turned 8. I remember talking to my parents about it on the way to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and them offering to pull over and find some water right then. I remember telling them that I could wait until we attended church that Sunday (which ever one we decided to attend in Arkansas). I remember that day being so excited, not realizing when the invitation song was sung, and thus being very distraught when service was over. I remember my dad explaining it to me and going forward to the preacher anyway so that I could. I remember the smile on my face and my dad's strong and stead hand on my back. I remember my feet coming off the ground a little and how I mentally freaked out a little while I was under the water, scared I was going to fall. I remember all the hugs and the older ladies asking if I would like to partake in the Lord's Supper, them bringing it to me. I remember the love and the joy on that day.

Little did I know, I stepped prominently onto battlefield at the moment I came up from the water.

In the fall, I started 3rd grade at a new school. I sat by a girl who talked to me and became a friend. Unbeknownst to me, Satan would use that friendship against me. That year and the two after (3rd - 5th) were filled with torment. I was bullied and torn down. My grandpa got sick and died and I felt guilty that the last time I was at his house I threw up on his floor. And when I was sad because he was sick and I told my friend, she tried to one up me saying that she had bruises on her bottom from being whipped. I learned to keep my mouth shut because it felt like no one cared.

I left Elementary School wounded, scared, and guarded.

Time after time Satan used my friends to wound and scar me. I built up walls to guard my heart, determined to not get hurt again, yet desperately desired for someone to break past them and take care of my heart. I became shy, broken, and reserved.

I didn't realize that those walls would hinder my relationship with my mom, my dad, my sister, and ultimately my heavenly Father. 14 years later I am still battling those walls and the fear that came with those wounds. I struggle with letting people in. It is only by God's power that my wonderful husband, Tanner, made it past those walls.

This realization made my jaw drop and my eyes widen. For the first time, I saw the battlefield. I had this thought of wishing someone had taught me how to put on the armor of God instead of just about it.

So, this weekend I opened myself to God. I wanted to break the walls down, but I knew I needed his help. I knew it would only be through Him that I would find healing. During our time of silence the first day I mentally said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me."

That night, the speaker, Mark, invited us to once again take a breath and just listen. Again, I said mentally, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." I was sitting there just listening when I heard a not quite audible voice, but it was distinctly, "You are beautiful, my child." Tears shot to my eyes and I reeled mentally for a moment. Had I really heard something? Did I just make it up? But I remembered my friends story and how she had heard something before too. So, I accepted it, blinking back tears.

When Mark started talking, he showed pictures of a groom seeing his bride for the first time on their wedding day. He made the point that this is how God sees us. He is our groom and we are so beautiful to him. Of course, I started crying because it was so beautiful. (Though when he first started showing the pictures I had a brief moment of wishing I had the picture I thought I was getting of Tanner seeing me. And then I remembered what my mom had described and an image came into my head and I was really happy. Note: I couldn't see the whole way down the aisle due to my contacts.)

When Mark stopped talking, there was a silence to let everything soak in. So, I sat, lifted my head up to the sky, and once again said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't hear anything and so I just went into praise. "You are my God. You are my Savior, the Lover of my soul." In the middle of a praise, I was cut off. "I am here. I have always been here. Seek and you will find." Then I felt something. It was like arms were wrapped around me, but not just my body, my heart. I felt free and joyful. Tears streamed down my face. God was with me. He was here and he wasn't going to leave me. I wanted to hug anyone who got near even if I didn't know them (I didn't).

I also got this image in my head. At first I was kneeling down at His throne in Sparta like warrior garb. But then, it was like He lifted me up and I was as His side dressed in a white Grecian style dress with the floor-length style skirt, it was sleeveless but had thick, tank-top like, graceful sleeves. The top was silver in that it was like armor. I had on the classic tall, Roman, sandals. It was beautiful. I was not just a warrior, but a warrior princess.

I got to talk to Tanner about it and he said something along the lines of that God was showing me that He had been with me all along, through all of the hurt. Tanner held me as I cried some more, grieving the time I spent breaking God's heart in my search for healing as I built my walls, distancing myself and then wondering where He was.

Every morning, now, I try to make time to pray and listen. I make sure to arm myself, and every time I pray on the armor of God I see that image I did Saturday night, the warrior princess.

I pray that you will find peace in Him and that you will find your healing in Him. For God is with you and no one can be against you. God has already won the war.

Are You Cruising?

This past weekend I was at a Women's Retreat. (My first women's retreat ever.) The theme was "The Filling Station." Our guest speaker, Vanessa Bonner, spoke about the dangers of cruising the first night. Thinking back, I know what that looks like.

In High School I was running on empty. I looked for other ways to fill myself up. When I felt especially empty, I tried to harm myself. I had a dull knife and thought that physical pain would relieve my emotional emptiness. (I didn't manage to do any real harm.) Mostly, I went to guys. I LONGED for a relationship. Junior year, I got my wish. I met a guy and we started dating. I started felling like I was full. Everything was going good. I was cruising. I graduated and went to college. There I started to feel the drain again. My boyfriend, little by little, stopped talking to me, I felt like I was drowning at school, I didn't think my friends really liked me; I was feeling the drain once again. Not knowing how to fix it, I turned once again to my dull knife. This time I managed to get past the initial layers of skin and make a thin red line. I stopped at that point. I knew it was wrong.

I talked to my cousin and we conjured a plan. I would take a year off from school and come live with him and his parents in Vancouver, Washington. My parents obviously hated this plan and tried to talk me out of it. However, I was bound and determined. So, with a ticket bought by my cousin, I was Washington bound. However, it wasn't a fix all. I still felt drained and empty. I would wait and wait, constantly checking my phone for a text from my boyfriend (who didn't like my decision to move because it would put us father apart, but he would support my decision). Eventually, I would just text him. When I would call him, we would sit in silence. (There was the background noise of video games.) My cousin saw this and insisted I break it off. After much mental debate, more insisting from my cousin, I broke it off. It's the hardest thing I'd ever done.

After a few days, things were looking up. It was like a weight was lifted. I was a free woman! Everything was great! I was having a blast, I got on eharmony, I had a job and my Aunt and Uncle's Pizza restaurant, Vancouver Pizza Company, (best pizza ever, by the way); I was cruising again. I met Tanner on eharmony and we started dating. My mom offered me a job at her law office, so I moved back home. Then I went up to Ohio, where Tanner lived, to help him move down to Louisiana. When he proposed the weekend before my birthday, I felt like the happiest girl alive! Well, until our wedding day about three months later. We went on our honeymoon, I got settled in Louisiana, we found an amazing congregation where we would later place membership; life was great.

Then I got a call from my mom at 8:00 am on October 31st. My grandpa had gone into the bedroom to wake up my grandma only to find that she was gone. My world came crashing down. It was one of those times when you're holding the phone and you don't know what to do or what to say.

(I can't say that the whole time Tanner and I were dating, the engagement, and then the marriage I was completely cruising. I remember growing more than I had in a while in that time. However, I don't think I was completely filling myself with God either. I wasn't looking to Him as much as I should have.)

After the funeral and a few months had passed, I started cruising again. (I had not learned my lesson.) Tanner and I bought our first house, I got a job at Chick-fil-a to help with bills and to try and start a savings fund, and things were going pretty well. It wasn't long until I started to feel really drained, like I was running on empty. Tanner and I were working with the youth and I didn't feel like I had anything to give them because I didn't have anything at all! My general manager quit, another manager quit, things started going downhill fast. Somehow, I injured my knee and it hurt to stand. Thus, Tanner and I decided it was best for me to quit. I thought I had built up enough and we weren't relying on my paycheck. Well, Tanner had a couple months he didn't get a bonus. My "build-up" ran dry. We were having some financial trouble. I kept sitting there thinking, "God will provide. He will lead us to green pastures." He did. He gave us just enough. However, I was still on empty. I wasn't listening. I was just crying out for God to save me. I couldn't hear him over my cries.

Eventually, it got to the point where I needed to get a job. I started putting in applications, praying God would lead me to the right one, praying for God to save me. Eventually, longer than Tanner would have liked, I got a job at a school doing after care. It was good until they docked my hours, because they had the wrong information when they hired me, and then expected us to be tutors, and whole other messes started up.

Somewhere during this, I realized that I didn't need to cruising or filling myself with anything other than God. I started trying to pray every morning. I developed an "outline" for my prayers so I didn't forget to thank him for what he blessed me with or end up just asking for things I wanted or "needed".

I started looking for another job, really asking God what he wanted me to do. One Sunday the sermon was about spiritual gifts. We were all told a site where we could take a test to help you find your spiritual gift. Having always been curious about it, I took it excitedly. Come to find out, my top result was administrative (tasks). This aligned with what I thought I really wanted to do, work in an office, preferably a church. Going off of that, I applied at a place that needed a secretary. I was told they would like to hire me and that I needed to start the hiring process. In this time, I found out that my friend was going to move back to Texas. (Very bittersweet.) Ironically, she was the church "Office Manager". The position I had been praying for since Chick-fil-a was going to be open. (Not that I was praying for her to leave!! I just wanted a position like hers or to be able to work alongside her!) I applied for the job as soon as I found out how. With advice from my husband and my mom, I kept the other job open as a fall-back. God had his plan though. A week after my interview, I was hired. God works in mysterious ways.

When I was asked where I thought I was, I hesitated to say I was full. I knew that I had a drain, as we all do, but I didn't feel the drain like I was going to run on empty anytime soon. Life is good! God is great! Sunday morning, I found my answer to the question of where I was. Vanessa Bonner talked about when we keep ourselves full of God and not ourselves. When we do this we are "draining" into others, but God is constantly filling us. Not only are we "draining" into those around us, we are overflowing into them!

I knew that's where I was. The lesson for me, however, was to make sure I don't start cruising. I know the danger, and I don't want to be there again. I have to remember to stay aware, know when I need to refill and always keep God as my number one. I know Satan is out there ready to hit me with something, but if I stay aware and make sure I am constantly filling myself with God, He will sustain me and I will make it though with His help.

So, my question to you is, where are you? Are you cruising, running on empty, or filled with God and overflowing into those around you?

Keep on keeping on.

A much needed update.

Okay... So Friday I found out that I made it in the musical!!! I am so excited!!! XD I would have posted the news earlier but I went on the combined Jr. high Sr. high retreat this weekend with the church I attend. At any rate, I'm sooo excited.

In more recent news... I got a new bike a week or so ago and I got to finally ride it yesterday! Unfortunately, it decided it needed to meet the gaurdrail on this one hill and thus I had a meeting with the pavement. So, I am currently recovering from the incident and finding more and more bruises. So that's how my last few days have gone. :)