Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Creative Stir Crazy

Have you ever been at home so long that you feel this insatiable need to go anywhere else? Like you can't get out of the house soon enough. Like you've been cooped up for too long and you need to RUN or you'll just go crazy! It's what we call being Stir Crazy.

I am beginning to feel that way, but it's not about getting out of my house, it's creative. I feel like I'm in a creative rut and I can't get out of it. It's like I have all this creativity, but no outlet. I think about writing, but I don't know what to write and I'm stuck at a point in my story that I don't know how to get the main character to point B. I think about painting, but I don't know what to paint and even if I did, when on EARTH would I have the time?! (Seriously. We have something happening every single Saturday this month. I might just puke.) And anything that would be creative but costs money is NOT an option because we are trying to save every last penny (except a few for Christmas Gifts) to be able to buy a car since mine decided to quit. (We had to sell it.. It's really sad.. RIP 2007 Pontiac G6 GT Turbo V6 Hardtop Convertible, beloved first car.)

I'm exhausted.

It's a never ending cycle of insanity that leads me further down a sinking pit. My brain is foggy, my emotions are unreliable, and I'm feeling more anti-social by the minute. I have mixed feelings of wanting to slam my head on the desk and wanting to just curl up in a ball in my bed and go to sleep forever. It's like there is a person with their hands in the air, eye twitching, running around and screaming like mad man.

My brain is a dark place right now. (Thus the going to sleep so I don't have feel or think about it. #numbing) It's terrible. I know.

So yeah. There's my dark, self-deprecating post for the year.

I know I can't be the only one who is feeling this way or has felt this way at some point, so if you have any suggestions about how to get out of this insane cycle, feel free the leave it in the comments. I read every comment, I promise.

Anyhoo, I'm out. Peace.

Dear Inner Critic

Dear Inner Critic,

You exhaust me. You're words make my stomach writhe in knots. I am never going to be good enough for you. I will always do something wrong. I know this, yet I can't shake your words from my head.

I'm tired of second guessing things because you don't like them. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing something wrong instead of seeing what Tanner sees. I'm tired of doing something and then hearing your voice questioning what I did or why I did it. I'm tired of you telling me that my life isn't good enough, adventurous enough, intense enough, that my life is mundane and monotonous, that I'm worthless.

I'm so tired of hearing your voice over God's.

God calls me loved. God calls me beautiful. God tells me I'm enough. God calls my life precious. God shows me how wonderful everyday life is and that everyday is different. God helps me remember that there is intensity and adventure in my life.

So, Inner Critic, I am choosing to exile your from my brain. You are no longer welcome. Today I am listening to God's voice. Today I am focusing on all the good things and forgetting all the other things I can't change. Today I am letting the Voice of Truth wash over me and tell me who I am and what I am worth.

Goodbye, Inner Critic. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

No good, really crudy, completely horrible day.

Have you ever had a day where everything seems to be against you? Like nothing can go right? Well, that was my day. I am exhausted and stressed and worn out. I mean, I only have six days of classes left to bring my grades up to A's. And my teachers are giving me projects, and I'm up at the school until six thirty or later everyday, and then I come home and try to do homework...

Like today, I was down because I didn't get to show my music video in class today, that I am extremely proud of, because we ran out of time. Well, then I go to practice, hoping I get another solo for Muse in "Mamma, I'm a Big Girl Now," only to find out that I'm just the mom who hardly does anything and the girls that got the solos are the ones who usually get the solos. I mean, how am I supposed to shine if I don't get any opportunites to do so?

So I get in the car and I'm already crying... but then I get home and there are a bunch of people in my kitchen. My mom was hosting a Pampered Chef party and I totally forgot. So I quickly walked back to my room so that no one could see my face and I could go cry in the privacy and darkness of my room. When my face cleared and my sobbing stopped, I joined them and had a good talk with my aunt Cristy. :) The brownies were delicious.

After everyone left, I had to do my Bible project. I had to look up a religon and find out stuff about it so that I can present it to the class. I found one that looked fairly easy and found a few good sites, e-mailed them to myself... and I basically going to wing it. My brain is maxed out to do anything more. Plus, I need to get the huge photoshop portfolio done. Xp

So yeah... that how my life is at the moment. One of the girls, who does most of the choreography, is doing a dance call at her house on Saturday. From my understanding, it's if you need any help. My plan is to sleep in.. plus, I don't know where her house is. lol! Anyway, I need some sleep... and some relaxation...

Blah...

So... I am so out of it today. I didn't get out of practice until 6:40 and then I had to film my video for theater and put it together. So, I didn't have dinner until around 10 last night and then I didn't get to bed until around 1 this morning. So, I'm exhausted. Though it isn't due until tomorrow, I have practice again until 6:30 today and then I have huddles. So yeah... But, despite all of that, I think my music video turned out really well. You can tell me what you think. :)

YouTube - Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman Music Video