Clueless

You're asking all these questions

About grace and salvation,

Longing for the answers from this Christian nation.

And I have this knawing notion

That we simply go through the motions.

I wish I could stand up here voicin'

That I've got answers to your searchin'

That I know what I'm doin'

But I ain't got a clue and that ain't lyin'.

Okay... He's dead... So?

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

I guess you would expect this to be a celabatory post since I am American and he was the one behind the terrorist attacks on this country and the twin tower fiasco. However, as strange as it may seem, I'm not excited. I saw all the posts about it via facebook, since I don't have a TV in my dorm, and I didn't feel what the others seemed to feel about it.

Today, I read a blog post from one of my favorite teachers from high school. In it, he talked about his mixed feelings on the suject. Like most of the things he says, it made sense. Though, where part of him wanted to celebrate a little, I simply didn't see the reason too. Though, Osama was a terrorist and who we've been fighting for years now, he was still a person, and, therefore, one of God's creations.

I don't feel a sense of pride at his death. I don't feel excitement or great joy. Though, I sure don't feel greif or sorrow either. I simply feel... neutral, I guess. I almost want to say,

"So what?"

I mean, yeah, he's dead. He can't wreak havoc on us anymore. But what happens now? Our troops are still over there. They are still fighting. The war is far from over.

What of Osama's followers? What of others like him? Has this been a victory? Or something that will lead to more havoc? Doesn't hatred and violence just produce more hatered and violence? I almost fear for what will happen next, what reprecussions will blow back on us... on our troops.

Doubts...

So... this weekend was GREAT! Friday night I hung out with my room mate and some friends she knew from before, which was fun. Then Cris got here Saturday afternoon, and I hung out with him all weekend. The thing is... I have classes tomorrow. It sucks because it is LABOR DAY, and this is supposed to be LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! But no. Unlike OC and many other colleges that get tomorrow off... We don't. We have classes. So, I am having breakfast with Cris tomorrow and then he is leaving... I miss him already. We had an exciting weekend! Watched The Expendables and Vampires Suck (which was hilarious but not a movie I'd recommend to my parents or my sister. Lol!) and we drove around town and what not.

But yeah... I miss home.. I miss Cris because I know he leaves tomorrow and I'll miss him more after he is gone. I am starting to wonder if this whole college thing is really for me. I mean, I'm supposedly working towards an English degree to become an author... but I don't have a minor picked out and that is one of the things I have to have to GET an English degree. And you know what? In high school, and middle school, and elementary school... I hated school. Yes, the argument can be made that there were times when I liked school. I mostly just like my friends and not the actual school part. Yes, there were a couple of classes I liked. But you know what? They were extracurricular classes. So, the question remains, why am I here? For my parents? Because it is what I am supposed to do? If not that, then what? I keep telling myself things will get better and when I join a club or put myself out there then I'll feel better. But this week, I was going to go try and be outgoing... but I had a runny nose and a cough. To try and relieve it, I went and bought supposed remedies and now I'm broke because the card my mom gave me doesn't work, I'm out of cash, and my bank isn't here. I put on a mask, like I used to do at high school, that says everything is fine and life is great. When asked how I'm doing I smile and say good! When asked what my favorite thing is here I say I don't know, because I honestly can't think of one thing... besides the food. I'm falling away from everything because I don't have a place to call home. College is not what I thought it would be. It has it's good days and it's bad days... and right now.. I just want to go home... or curl up and be held.

The question remains.

Why am I here?

It's funny, isn't it...

It's funny, isn't it, that for so long, when asked how we are doing, we smile and exclaim, "Good!" when in all reality we are falling apart.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we claim to be "real" we can't even tell anyone that we just want to quit.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we ask how someone is doing, we don't really care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we think we are being so kind and caring, but we don't even say hi to the person sitting alone.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people feel like nobody really cares.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people really don't care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we claim to be the body of Christ, yet we don't move out of our comfort zone.

It's funny, isn't it, how people everyday come closer to giving up and loosing all hope, because they feel they are worthless.

It's funny... isn't it?