Thursday, December 29, 2011

It's that time again...

Once again, I find myself having to make a hard desision. On the one hand, I don't want to leave behind the pizza store and Ry and Cliff and Karen, but, on the other hand, I'd be making more money and be able to spend more time with Meredith and have set hours and have my own place and have a car. The choice seems obvious doesn't it? But my heart is torn. I think of other peoples feelings and how they would react. Sure, I talked to Ry about it, but he is being hard to read and it doesn't help that he is sick.

I guess maybe what I am really worried about, is how to tell my aunt Karen. I've have grown close to her in my time in Washington, and I don't want her to have to worry about the store anymore than she has to. And I'd probably go up to visit in June or July as that is when Tanner is thinking about visiting. He has to meet Ry eventually. Ha ha! Perhaps I have made up my mind...

Keep on keeping on.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Status: Super, duper, UBER excited and happy! And TAKEN!

I said I'd keep you updated, so here's the update! I have a BOYFRIEND! Ah! Getting used to that word again is so weird!! But weird in a good way! :D I think it's only fair that I at least tell you his name... Tanner! He's amazing... as I stated in the post yesterday.. haha! He's sweet and caring and considerate and good to his family and uber nice to me and a Godly guy... sigh...

Okay! So I'm smitten/ twitterpated/ whatever! What can I say? He's cute and wonderful! And an engineer! Totally amazing! And I wouldn't be surprised if I hear about him reading this tomorrow... but that's fine with me! Hehe! I am so excited to see him in like... 16 days!! Ah! Of course I am looking forward to seeing my wonderful family in 14 days as well. He he!

Anyways, in other news... as if that wasn't news enough.. ha ha! I was reading through some of my posts last night and read the one from over a year ago.. the one before I left to go to Harding. It's kinda strange to see how I was then. I was so scared to move 6 hours away from them and worried about money and all of this other craziness. Now I'm across the nation (pretty much) and working a job and not really worried about anything. I mean there are occasions when I freak out, but they are more and more rare and far between. I mean, I think about the money I may spend traveling to Texas or Ohio and making sure I have enough money to do whatever, not spending like crazy or anything. But mostly I try to save as much money I can.

But anyway. It's just kinda cool to see how much I have grown and become my own person who can manage her finances and make her own desicions! I have to give all the credit to God though. I couldn't have done any of this with out his guidance. Like moving up here! One of the best desicions I've made! It's helped me grow and really find myself, as well as get all my priorites straight and what I'm looking for straight. Which could bring me full circle, but I won't go all crazy again with all my excitment and what not in that area. :P Sure, I'm busy and have to get up earlier than I'd really like to, but that's life! And sure I don't have a car, but I've learned to manage. And if I really need to get somewhere then I just have to ask Ryan or my aunt and we can usually get something worked out. But I never would have done it had I not felt led to by God. And I know that probably sounds really "Christiany" but it's the truth. And I don't mind sounding like that because that's who I am, a Christian. And if I'd never moved up here I may have never met my boyfriend. (There's that word again.. ha ha!) :)

So, in summary, things are good! Now if I can just finish one of my books! Ha ha! In time.. sigh. Ha ha!

Keep on, keeping on. :)


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Status: Sigh... :D

So.... There's this boy.... Hahahahahahahahaha! I know. You're thinking, "Oh boy. Here we go again." And I can't say anything to that. But anyway. I get to finally meet this amazing guy in person in 17 days! I'm uber excited!!! He lives in Ohio and we've been skypeing and texting and talking for like two months or something. And I just have to say that he is completely amazing!! I haven't felt like this in a long time! Which is almost a little sad to say. But I'm uber happy now and that is kinda what matters, right? So far, Mom and Dad seem to like him, which is good. I have a good feeling about this. Like this may never end... If you know what I mean. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hehe! I'll keep ya updated. Haha!

Keep on, keepin on!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween Night

Shadows dance all night
Making you think that nothing is alright.
Things are scattered all across the floor
And there is a creak from the door.
Sounds are coming from everywhere
And you don't look unless you dare
For you don't know the sight
And it might give you a terrible fright.
You are becoming terrorized
And then you realize,
This is Halloween night.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wake to the Call

Dead. Zombiefied.
So gone you can't be recognized,
Can no longer be reconciled
In this battle of the vile
And pain
And shame.
We've become nothing,
Not waking
To the noise.
But there's a voice
Filled with power.
It's our maker,
Our creator,
Calling us to remember,
To wake from the void,
From the blackness that's employed.
He calls us to join Him
In this place He calls heaven.
He says we're forgiven
Because of the blood he has given.
He breaths into us life
So we can avoid the knife
Of eternal damnation
In a place where evil stations.
He tells us to wake up
To see what He has done.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


You're asking all these questions
About grace and salvation,
Longing for the answers from this Christian nation.
And I have this knawing notion
That we simply go through the motions.
I wish I could stand up here voicin'
That I've got answers to your searchin'
That I know what I'm doin'
But I ain't got a clue and that ain't lyin'.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Thoughts of the day

Don't you hate when you start something and have to end it, knowing it was a bad idea in the first place? Because then you wonder what it would have been like if you'd kept it going, made it work, even with all the signs and the knowledge from the past telling you it would never work no matter what you did. That haunting feeling just sticks with you and weeps into your dreams, telling you it couldcantve worked and you could have been happy. It's crazy and stupid and illogical and your brain keeps telling you that, but you can't shake the feeling. You don't know what it is or even why you're thinking those things and you just want them to go away. Unfortunately, its not that easy... But it will pass in time. You just have to stick it out and forget about it. Forget about the dreams and the ridiculous hopes and move on. It doesn't matter what happened or why or when. One must just keep moving forward and looking forward to the future. Because the future has something in store for you that will be a billion times better than what you could ever hope for or dream of.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Driving a car VS. driving a boat. Not much of a difference!

Driving a boat is like simply driving a car. Instead of roads, pot holes or speed bumps, construction zones, 18 wheelers, air conditioning, seat belts, and pedestrians, you have the water, waves, no wake zones, tug boats (or larger), the wind, life jackets, and stupid geese that simply dive under the water when you head for them instead of flying off. There is still a sheriff, you still have to have all the safety equipment, and it still takes gas and a licence and money to do.

I know all this because I've been out on a boat and around the thing to hear and see all of these things. After being out on the boat as many times as I have, I've learned a great deal about boats and am still learning. It's crazy and it's fun, though it can be stressful. But I guess part of that has to do with the family dynamic. I like being out on the water, when things aren't stressful, and just sitting and listening... out in the middle of nowhere with no cell service and just relaxing. It clears your mind and lets you think clearly. The only downside is that you have to come back... and there isn't really a bathroom or anything like that. Perhaps one day I'll get out on a boat and just chill, but for now I'll take going out with my family and friends and having a blast.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Perhaps this is for the best.

My heart is broken,
But it's probably better this way.
You know I'll always love you
And that I'll never forget you.
We had a good times and bad times,
But it was a good 2 years, 11 months, and a day.

Maybe there is a future for us
Later down the road.
Maybe when we are more mature,
When we both have our priorities straight,
When we both know exactly what we want.
But for now I'm just going to try and move on,
Find out what's best for me.

Unfortunately, if you think about it,
Right now it wouldn't have worked anyway.
If we kept this going and gotten married
And my writing took off,
I'd go away on book tours
And the not talking would drive me insane.

So, I know it hurts now,
But I just couldn't take the silence any more.
I put my heart and my best into the relationship.
But I just wasn't getting much back.
I can't handle a relationship where I feel disconnected.
I know texting or calling or Skyping doesn't help much,
But it's better than nothing.
Every little bit helps.

So, again, know that I love you
And that I'll never forget you.
I know where I am supposed to be right now.
There are too many opportunities to ignore here.
So, maybe this is better in the long run.

Goodbye is hard,
But sometimes it's the right thing.
There might be a future for us,
But I can't focus on that right now.
Hopefully, we can still be friends,
Because you are an amazing and sweet and loyal and great guy.

We can both move on,
We'll both survive,
And some how
Something GOOD will come out of this.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

New Hairstyle!

So, I finally got my hair done like I've always wanted to. It looks different than I thought it would, but I LOVE it. :D So, here we go!


This is one of my senior pictures so it's like a year old, but the coloring of my hair was still the same.


This is after she finished the highlights. :D

All done! I got red streaks put in. You can se them really well! It's pretty awesome. :D

I absolutely LOVE my new hairstyle! It's amazing! Better than what I'd hoped. :D

Friday, June 10, 2011

Bring Shalom to Chaos

Okay, so this took me a little longer than I thought it would, but it's here now. Just a warning, this may be a really long post. It also may be a little crazy, but I'll try and make sure it makes sense. :) Also, I can NOT do justice to what Ray Vander Laan said, and I also don't claim that I have done any of the reasearch and whatnot behind it all. These are just my observations about some of the things that Ray Vander Laan said and some things that stood out to me. That being said, to the blog!

First of all, I just want to show you all a picture of how my notes, which I think reflects how my brain works, but I digress.

Now, on to the talking about it all, though expect about three more pictures. :)

One of the first things he said was that we are to hagah the word. He went on to explain what that word ment. Hagah is like a sound word and it means to completely mediate on it and to read and know every detail. He also said another word, hakak, which means inspired, but I can't remember how he used it exactly. The next thing that caught my attention was what he said about what the story behind the forgiving people 7 times 77 times. Most of us interperate it as 7 being the perfect number so you just keep forgiving. But Ray Vander Laan (here on out refered to as RVL) pointed out something I hadn't thought of before. Now if we go to Adam's line, from both Cain (evil) and Able (or really Seth who replaced Able after Cain murdered him).

As you can see, if you follow the lines down seven times, you find Enoch being so good that he just "disappeared" with God up into heaven where as it says, in Genisis 4:23-24, Lamech said to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, listen to me; wives of Lamech, hear my words. I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.” Interesting huh?

The next thing that stuck out was something RVL said about the branches that don't bear fruit. We seem to think of it as the stump being God, the vine being Jesus, and the branches being us. But when RVL met an owner of a vineyard, his view changed a bit. If we really look at the story, we find that the stump is Isreal (Judah), from where Jesus comes from. Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. Where is God in this equation? Well, he is the vineyard, of course!

He enthusiasticlly cares for his vineyard and makes sure that the branches bear fruit. Speaking of which, let's talk about the bearing fruit thing. See, over there, they don't attatch the vines to poles or whatever. They grow on the ground. But there are parasites and what not on the ground making it hard for the plant to grow good fruit. So, when a vineyard owner sees this happening, he props it up with a rock or something to help the branch out. Later, if it still doesn't, it's thrown into the fire. With this in mind, we look at that passage. God first props us up to try and help us bear fruit in our times of trouble. Of course, later if we still don't bear fruit, we get thrown in the fire.

I think that from now on this is mostly going breif little tid bits that caught my attention. :)

"At your moment of success... you are at your most vulnerable. Because you may not continue to trust in God, who got you there." Meaning, that we trust in God when we are aren't doing well. But when we are at the top, we sometimes forget to keep trusting got. At the top is the best place for Satan to get us to think we did it all ourselves and not with God's help.

The cross symbol may have actually started as an anchor. Like our faith is our anchor. I thought that was pretty cool. :)

We are the salt of the earth. In bible times, salt was used to make the fire burn hotter and longer. And the fuel for the fire was, a lot of times, manure. Meaning, that we are going to have to be mixed with some pretty nasty stuff in order to show God. We are meant to be bringers of Shalom to Chaos. So, we are meant to be in the mist of chaos, the manure, to be the shade.

I also thought it was a little curious that the Romans used the eagle as their icon and we also use the eagle as our national icon.

And all of this is only two pages of my notes... Because I am getting a little bored of this, which is sad to say I know, I'm just going to make two more points and hope you can maybe make out the notes above. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have or if you want to know exactly what a section says. :)

The two main points that he made was


Monday, June 6, 2011

Back from Vacation!

Well, after 8 long days traveling and somewhat relaxing, I am back home. And though I had loads of fun, I am so glad to be back. We flew into Milwakee, then drove to Gull Lake for our first stop in our trip. This is the one I was dreading most. The Ray Vander Laan conference. In all actuality, it was pretty good! I learned a lot of stuff! (I'll be making another post later about all of that part.)

After that was over, we drove back towards Milwakee, staying in Chicago for a night, and then headed for San Diego. We spent about three full days there. Unfortunately, it was chilly the whole time, so the beach, though we had fun splashing in it a bit, was freezing. Meredith and I simply had on our shorts and a t-shirt and we chased the waves and then got chased by the waves.

Over all, it was a pretty fun vacation. I'd post pictures, but I'm not on my computer and my pictures aren't uploaded. Ha ha! Now, to plan my birthday party. O.o

Monday, May 2, 2011

Okay... He's dead... So?

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

I guess you would expect this to be a celabatory post since I am American and he was the one behind the terrorist attacks on this country and the twin tower fiasco. However, as strange as it may seem, I'm not excited. I saw all the posts about it via facebook, since I don't have a TV in my dorm, and I didn't feel what the others seemed to feel about it.

Today, I read a blog post from one of my favorite teachers from high school. In it, he talked about his mixed feelings on the suject. Like most of the things he says, it made sense. Though, where part of him wanted to celebrate a little, I simply didn't see the reason too. Though, Osama was a terrorist and who we've been fighting for years now, he was still a person, and, therefore, one of God's creations.

I don't feel a sense of pride at his death. I don't feel excitement or great joy. Though, I sure don't feel greif or sorrow either. I simply feel... neutral, I guess. I almost want to say,

"So what?"

I mean, yeah, he's dead. He can't wreak havoc on us anymore. But what happens now? Our troops are still over there. They are still fighting. The war is far from over.

What of Osama's followers? What of others like him? Has this been a victory? Or something that will lead to more havoc? Doesn't hatred and violence just produce more hatered and violence? I almost fear for what will happen next, what reprecussions will blow back on us... on our troops.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

If You Looked Into My Eyes (song)

I seem happy,
But you don't see
The storms raging inside.
I am laughing,
Though you don't see
That I'm crying inside.
They say eyes are the window into our souls,
And I'd tell you that's true.
But you don't seem to care,
Like you don't even want to know
That I'm dying!

But if you looked into my eyes,
You'd see I'm dead inside.
If you looked into my eyes,
You'd see there's nothing inside.
If you really actually looked deep into my eyes
You would see
I'm not who I seem to be
On the outside.

I am aching and breaking;
I can't live this way.
I am crying, I'm dying,
You don't care anyway.
You are the one who has any chance of saving me.
Are you even seeing me?

Andif you looked into my eyes,
You'd see I'm dead inside.
If you looked into my eyes,
You'd see there's nothing inside.
If you really actually looked deep into my eyes
You would see
I'm not who I seem to be
On the outside.

And would you even care
If I died today?
Oh, would you even care
If I laid down
And never woke again?

If you looked into my eyes,
You'd see I'm dead inside.
If you looked into my eyes,
You'd see there's nothing inside.
If you really actually looked deep into my eyes
You would see
I'm not who I seem to be
On the outside.

Oh, no.
On the outside.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cris came in on Saturday and this is our third Valentine's Day together. It's kinda crazy. I'm super excited that he came up. He is leaving tomorrow though, which is sad. But I'll have gotten to spend 3 days with him, even though he is probably trying to figure out how to entertain himself while I go to classes. Anyway, that's really all I have to say!

Hope y'all have a good Valentine's day!

Friday, January 14, 2011

A piece of randomness

Hold back the pain.
Hold in the tears.
They didn't mean it.
This shouldn't hurt.
Forget what they said.
It doesn't matter.
There is no pain.
There are no tears.
Don't feel the hurt.
Don't scream and shout.
Ignore the despair,
Ignited in your heart.
Everything is fine.
Nothing is wrong.
It's all okay.
Don't feel that way.
It's not like it matters.
It was just a few words.
Forget the anger,
The pain,
The hurt,
The knife in your heart.
Pull back the tears.
People are all around.
They'll see you're wounded.
They'll see you're not strong.
You can pull through this.
It's not the first time.
You can stand on your own...
Or at least look the part.
It doesn't matter if you feel you've been pushed in the dirt.
Doesn't matter if you feel like you're falling apart.
You have to look strong.
They'll start lecturing if you don't.
Hold in the tears.
Hold back the pain.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy New Year!!

It's 2011!! 2010 just sped by, didn't it? When I think of New Years Eve, I think of a big party with maybe some dancing and lights, some video games, and just having a ton of fun! However, my family doesn't have the same vision. Either way, this year wasn't exactly how I wanted to start off the new year.

See, my baby cousins were coming down with something, or getting over something, during Christmas, but none of us thought anything of. Then my aunt and uncle, their parents, got sick. Then my other aunt got sick, my grandmother got sick, and my mom was coughing and losing her voice for some reason. So, New Years Eve rolls around and my dad isn't feeling well either. I had a sore throat the morning before and another one that morning. I refused to think I was getting sick and just blew it off. My sister, who was - and still is - feeling perfectly fine, had made plans to go see The Tourist with one of her friends and so we decided we would all go. I had a slight feeling of wanting to throw up, but I, again, pushed the thoughts aside.

We invited my aunt and uncle, who were feeling well, over and asked them to bring their x-box and rock band. My grandma doesn't miss a party, so even though she was still feeling ill she and my grandpa came over as well. My boyfriend, Cris, was invited as well.

I was getting the shivers really bad after the movie, and when I got home, I immediately went to the couch and curled up under a blanket. Cris was the first to arrive and he sat beside me and I felt bad because I was feeling really bad at this point. My mom came in and took my temperature which shot up to 104. I had to admit defeat. I was sick.

Cris sat beside me, holding my hand as I drifted in and out of sleep. My temperature gradually came down and when 12:00 came around I was feeling much better. Cris and I went into the other room and caught the very last bit of the ball drop. He kissed my forehead and my cheek. (This was cute and I liked it, but it wasn't as good as a kiss on the lips, obviously. But, of course, I was still sick.) He stayed for a couple more hours and we watched a couple episodes of SG-1.

I was sick all weekend and still sick when Cris left to go back to Lubbock. So he came by and hugged me, assured me he'd come up for Valentine's Day (which is UBER cute), and then kissed my cheek and forehead again.

But I'm all better now and I worked out today! I'm pretty excited about that. I'm going to try and workout everyday, or every other day at least. It was really fun and I actually enjoyed it! I was surprised by this. Sometime this year, I WILL have a flat tummy! It WILL happen!! It HAS TO!!! 'Course it helps that I am going to be working out every other day with my two good friends... I have no choice in that matter. Ha ha!

Hope y'alls New Year has started off better than mine has! :)