The Battlefeild

Last Friday I had a friend pray over me. She and I have been talking for a while about the struggles of life and the spiritual battlefield. She told me her story and she is helping me grow and understand more.

This weekend Tanner and I went on the youth group Beach Retreat. On our way there I was sitting there thinking and, for some reason, my mind wandered back to elementary school. I had this insane realization.

I was baptized just after I turned 8. I remember talking to my parents about it on the way to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and them offering to pull over and find some water right then. I remember telling them that I could wait until we attended church that Sunday (which ever one we decided to attend in Arkansas). I remember that day being so excited, not realizing when the invitation song was sung, and thus being very distraught when service was over. I remember my dad explaining it to me and going forward to the preacher anyway so that I could. I remember the smile on my face and my dad's strong and stead hand on my back. I remember my feet coming off the ground a little and how I mentally freaked out a little while I was under the water, scared I was going to fall. I remember all the hugs and the older ladies asking if I would like to partake in the Lord's Supper, them bringing it to me. I remember the love and the joy on that day.

Little did I know, I stepped prominently onto battlefield at the moment I came up from the water.

In the fall, I started 3rd grade at a new school. I sat by a girl who talked to me and became a friend. Unbeknownst to me, Satan would use that friendship against me. That year and the two after (3rd - 5th) were filled with torment. I was bullied and torn down. My grandpa got sick and died and I felt guilty that the last time I was at his house I threw up on his floor. And when I was sad because he was sick and I told my friend, she tried to one up me saying that she had bruises on her bottom from being whipped. I learned to keep my mouth shut because it felt like no one cared.

I left Elementary School wounded, scared, and guarded.

Time after time Satan used my friends to wound and scar me. I built up walls to guard my heart, determined to not get hurt again, yet desperately desired for someone to break past them and take care of my heart. I became shy, broken, and reserved.

I didn't realize that those walls would hinder my relationship with my mom, my dad, my sister, and ultimately my heavenly Father. 14 years later I am still battling those walls and the fear that came with those wounds. I struggle with letting people in. It is only by God's power that my wonderful husband, Tanner, made it past those walls.

This realization made my jaw drop and my eyes widen. For the first time, I saw the battlefield. I had this thought of wishing someone had taught me how to put on the armor of God instead of just about it.

So, this weekend I opened myself to God. I wanted to break the walls down, but I knew I needed his help. I knew it would only be through Him that I would find healing. During our time of silence the first day I mentally said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me."

That night, the speaker, Mark, invited us to once again take a breath and just listen. Again, I said mentally, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." I was sitting there just listening when I heard a not quite audible voice, but it was distinctly, "You are beautiful, my child." Tears shot to my eyes and I reeled mentally for a moment. Had I really heard something? Did I just make it up? But I remembered my friends story and how she had heard something before too. So, I accepted it, blinking back tears.

When Mark started talking, he showed pictures of a groom seeing his bride for the first time on their wedding day. He made the point that this is how God sees us. He is our groom and we are so beautiful to him. Of course, I started crying because it was so beautiful. (Though when he first started showing the pictures I had a brief moment of wishing I had the picture I thought I was getting of Tanner seeing me. And then I remembered what my mom had described and an image came into my head and I was really happy. Note: I couldn't see the whole way down the aisle due to my contacts.)

When Mark stopped talking, there was a silence to let everything soak in. So, I sat, lifted my head up to the sky, and once again said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't hear anything and so I just went into praise. "You are my God. You are my Savior, the Lover of my soul." In the middle of a praise, I was cut off. "I am here. I have always been here. Seek and you will find." Then I felt something. It was like arms were wrapped around me, but not just my body, my heart. I felt free and joyful. Tears streamed down my face. God was with me. He was here and he wasn't going to leave me. I wanted to hug anyone who got near even if I didn't know them (I didn't).

I also got this image in my head. At first I was kneeling down at His throne in Sparta like warrior garb. But then, it was like He lifted me up and I was as His side dressed in a white Grecian style dress with the floor-length style skirt, it was sleeveless but had thick, tank-top like, graceful sleeves. The top was silver in that it was like armor. I had on the classic tall, Roman, sandals. It was beautiful. I was not just a warrior, but a warrior princess.

I got to talk to Tanner about it and he said something along the lines of that God was showing me that He had been with me all along, through all of the hurt. Tanner held me as I cried some more, grieving the time I spent breaking God's heart in my search for healing as I built my walls, distancing myself and then wondering where He was.

Every morning, now, I try to make time to pray and listen. I make sure to arm myself, and every time I pray on the armor of God I see that image I did Saturday night, the warrior princess.

I pray that you will find peace in Him and that you will find your healing in Him. For God is with you and no one can be against you. God has already won the war.

Are You Cruising?

This past weekend I was at a Women's Retreat. (My first women's retreat ever.) The theme was "The Filling Station." Our guest speaker, Vanessa Bonner, spoke about the dangers of cruising the first night. Thinking back, I know what that looks like.

In High School I was running on empty. I looked for other ways to fill myself up. When I felt especially empty, I tried to harm myself. I had a dull knife and thought that physical pain would relieve my emotional emptiness. (I didn't manage to do any real harm.) Mostly, I went to guys. I LONGED for a relationship. Junior year, I got my wish. I met a guy and we started dating. I started felling like I was full. Everything was going good. I was cruising. I graduated and went to college. There I started to feel the drain again. My boyfriend, little by little, stopped talking to me, I felt like I was drowning at school, I didn't think my friends really liked me; I was feeling the drain once again. Not knowing how to fix it, I turned once again to my dull knife. This time I managed to get past the initial layers of skin and make a thin red line. I stopped at that point. I knew it was wrong.

I talked to my cousin and we conjured a plan. I would take a year off from school and come live with him and his parents in Vancouver, Washington. My parents obviously hated this plan and tried to talk me out of it. However, I was bound and determined. So, with a ticket bought by my cousin, I was Washington bound. However, it wasn't a fix all. I still felt drained and empty. I would wait and wait, constantly checking my phone for a text from my boyfriend (who didn't like my decision to move because it would put us father apart, but he would support my decision). Eventually, I would just text him. When I would call him, we would sit in silence. (There was the background noise of video games.) My cousin saw this and insisted I break it off. After much mental debate, more insisting from my cousin, I broke it off. It's the hardest thing I'd ever done.

After a few days, things were looking up. It was like a weight was lifted. I was a free woman! Everything was great! I was having a blast, I got on eharmony, I had a job and my Aunt and Uncle's Pizza restaurant, Vancouver Pizza Company, (best pizza ever, by the way); I was cruising again. I met Tanner on eharmony and we started dating. My mom offered me a job at her law office, so I moved back home. Then I went up to Ohio, where Tanner lived, to help him move down to Louisiana. When he proposed the weekend before my birthday, I felt like the happiest girl alive! Well, until our wedding day about three months later. We went on our honeymoon, I got settled in Louisiana, we found an amazing congregation where we would later place membership; life was great.

Then I got a call from my mom at 8:00 am on October 31st. My grandpa had gone into the bedroom to wake up my grandma only to find that she was gone. My world came crashing down. It was one of those times when you're holding the phone and you don't know what to do or what to say.

(I can't say that the whole time Tanner and I were dating, the engagement, and then the marriage I was completely cruising. I remember growing more than I had in a while in that time. However, I don't think I was completely filling myself with God either. I wasn't looking to Him as much as I should have.)

After the funeral and a few months had passed, I started cruising again. (I had not learned my lesson.) Tanner and I bought our first house, I got a job at Chick-fil-a to help with bills and to try and start a savings fund, and things were going pretty well. It wasn't long until I started to feel really drained, like I was running on empty. Tanner and I were working with the youth and I didn't feel like I had anything to give them because I didn't have anything at all! My general manager quit, another manager quit, things started going downhill fast. Somehow, I injured my knee and it hurt to stand. Thus, Tanner and I decided it was best for me to quit. I thought I had built up enough and we weren't relying on my paycheck. Well, Tanner had a couple months he didn't get a bonus. My "build-up" ran dry. We were having some financial trouble. I kept sitting there thinking, "God will provide. He will lead us to green pastures." He did. He gave us just enough. However, I was still on empty. I wasn't listening. I was just crying out for God to save me. I couldn't hear him over my cries.

Eventually, it got to the point where I needed to get a job. I started putting in applications, praying God would lead me to the right one, praying for God to save me. Eventually, longer than Tanner would have liked, I got a job at a school doing after care. It was good until they docked my hours, because they had the wrong information when they hired me, and then expected us to be tutors, and whole other messes started up.

Somewhere during this, I realized that I didn't need to cruising or filling myself with anything other than God. I started trying to pray every morning. I developed an "outline" for my prayers so I didn't forget to thank him for what he blessed me with or end up just asking for things I wanted or "needed".

I started looking for another job, really asking God what he wanted me to do. One Sunday the sermon was about spiritual gifts. We were all told a site where we could take a test to help you find your spiritual gift. Having always been curious about it, I took it excitedly. Come to find out, my top result was administrative (tasks). This aligned with what I thought I really wanted to do, work in an office, preferably a church. Going off of that, I applied at a place that needed a secretary. I was told they would like to hire me and that I needed to start the hiring process. In this time, I found out that my friend was going to move back to Texas. (Very bittersweet.) Ironically, she was the church "Office Manager". The position I had been praying for since Chick-fil-a was going to be open. (Not that I was praying for her to leave!! I just wanted a position like hers or to be able to work alongside her!) I applied for the job as soon as I found out how. With advice from my husband and my mom, I kept the other job open as a fall-back. God had his plan though. A week after my interview, I was hired. God works in mysterious ways.

When I was asked where I thought I was, I hesitated to say I was full. I knew that I had a drain, as we all do, but I didn't feel the drain like I was going to run on empty anytime soon. Life is good! God is great! Sunday morning, I found my answer to the question of where I was. Vanessa Bonner talked about when we keep ourselves full of God and not ourselves. When we do this we are "draining" into others, but God is constantly filling us. Not only are we "draining" into those around us, we are overflowing into them!

I knew that's where I was. The lesson for me, however, was to make sure I don't start cruising. I know the danger, and I don't want to be there again. I have to remember to stay aware, know when I need to refill and always keep God as my number one. I know Satan is out there ready to hit me with something, but if I stay aware and make sure I am constantly filling myself with God, He will sustain me and I will make it though with His help.

So, my question to you is, where are you? Are you cruising, running on empty, or filled with God and overflowing into those around you?

Keep on keeping on.

So Many Thoughts!

Sdfghsdfgkjadfhgiuahelivbuaeflivuwhloijzbeiufblieauvglskjbfgiluaefglkjawbfuigdfuhgaldfvbiuaelfoighwaoiehf!!!

O.o

My brain is absolute craziness. Today, there are about a million thoughts running through my head. Everything from financials to planning events to things around the house to food. There is so much stuff going on in my head, I don't think it will all be able to come out! They are getting so mushed together.

I've been putting together the Jr. High Scoop, which is like a newsletter of the events that are going on, for the Youth Group. We are trying to do more with them and get the parents involved. This month, I'm planning the Scavenger Hunt and the students are wanting to go to God's Not Dead as well as go bowling together after church Sunday. And they want to go this month! I feel like I've escalated from just doing the newsletter to kind of planning the calendar for the Jr. High! I don't mind at all, but I also don't want to do it by myself. I need a sound board to bounce ideas off of like what even should/ could go where. I also don't want to overstep and "take over" the Jr. High from the youth minister. I definitely don't want to step on anyone's toes. So where is the balance? Thankfully, we are having a youth leader meeting soon and we can get this all ironed out. I hope.

As for the rest of the things in my head, we are looking at putting up shelves to get rid of the shelves we currently have. With that comes all the questions. What do we want them to look like? How much are we willing to spend? Where are we going to put them? Do we want hanging shelves or standing bookshelves or both? Are we going to make them or buy them? What dimensions do they need to be? Who has the best deal?

Along with that, my wonderful husband sold his car yesterday. It was sad, but we are looking for a truck which will be better in the long run. Unfortunately, that means we are down to one car. Thus, while he is at work, I'm stuck at home unless I drive him to work and pick him up. It's quite the predicament.

We are also thinking about getting a dog. A friend of ours doesn't have time for their precious dachshund terrier mix and Tanner has been really wanting a dog. She is already house trained, kennel trained, and knows a few tricks so we wouldn't have to worry about a whole lot of training. She also doesn't shed a whole lot, so that's a plus. But our backyard has some low spots, which we want to fix anyway, and we don't want to get her and not be able to afford everything. We'd also need someone to dog sit if we got her before Easter as we are headed to Dallas for that weekend.

With all these things running through my brain all at once, it's kind of a mess. Hopefully, I can get it sorted out soon. That would be nice.

Keep on keeping on.

Elisabeth

Crazy Week, Exciting Week!

Well. It has been a crazy week! Last week I went from helping with the youth here and there and simply wishing I could go with the youth group to Uplift (church camp at Harding University). Now I have been out almost every day this week doing something youth related and getting ready to leave for Uplift tomorrow morning! Monday I helped make a video to try and get the youth pumped up about Uplift, Tuesday I worked on getting the video to the person that was editing it, Wednesday I was at the building early before class with my husband and we went and picked up pizza and drinks for that night because it was the last day in the old building and picture day where I took the updated group pictures we needed.

Today I am doing the rest of the laundry, figuring out what Tanner is going to need while I am gone, packing everything I can before tomorrow at 6:00 am (since I have to be at the building at 7:00 am). I am so excited but I am also super nervous. This will be the first year that I will being to Uplift as a chaperon. I'm not completely sure what to expect, but I know I will taking a lot of pictures and videos! I am so excited that I get to use my love of taking pictures for something bigger than just my family and whatever random objects I find lying around.

I've been thinking about starting my own photography/videography business. I don't know how I would start it or anything. Perhaps I would make a facebook page with some professional looking pictures... Maybe one day.

Anyway, I am super pumped to be going this week! Even if Tanner won't be joining us. I am hoping that this time apart will be good for us though. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I know that time apart is sometimes a good thing.

If you can, keep this week and the chaperons and the youth and Tanner in your prayers. I'm praying that we will have a fantastic week and Tanner and I don't miss each other too terribly. :)

Keep on keeping on!

My Reflections on Youth Ministry.

My husband and I have been attending a class led by the youth minister at the congregation we attend on Sunday mornings. It's for those who are interested in volunteering/helping/leading the youth group. The class has really been great! It got me thinking about the common misconception of the youth ministers job.

I think that we have always thought of the youth minister as the one who takes care of the kids and makes them behave and takes them on trips and out of our hair for a while; that he should be connecting with every single kid in the youth group on a personal level no matter how big the group is. Basically, he's the guy that does everything. (With the help of his wife, of course.)

Here's the problem. He's only human.

He and his wife have a family of their own to take care of and discipline and spend time with as well! If he is teaching, planning trips, going on trips, taking care of our children, trying to keep them in line, etc., where does that leave his family?

We should re-evaluate what a youth ministers responsibilities are, yes? Yes.

So, should a youth minister be in charge of disciplining your child/teaching them what is right and wrong/ironing out your child to be a model citizen? No! That is YOUR job as a parent. Do NOT go to your youth minister and ask why your child is acting up! That's not what he is there for!

Should a youth minister connect with EVERY child on a personal level no matter how large the group? Absolutely not. He can't! There is no way to get to know every one of your kids and really bond with them! This is why he needs helpers! People like you and me who volunteer their time and get to know a handful of kids and focus our energy on those kids. The youth minister can only handle as much as you and I can. If I get to really know a handful of kids, and you get to know a handful of kids, and he gets to know a handful of kids, and so and so forth, pretty soon every kid will be connected with an adult figure on a deep personal level. They will have some one to look up to and come to when they need advice. Because if all they have is their friends and a youth minister who physically can not get to know them on that deep of a personal level, they will only turn to their friends who only have the maturity and knowledge on the level they have. So, don't leave your youth minister out there alone! Step up and help!

Should a youth minister teach the Bible? Yes!

Should a youth minister spread the gospel? Yes!

Should a youth minister plan trips and go with the kids on trips? Yes!

Should a youth minister make sure to spend quality time with his family and make sure that they have the attention and care that they need? YES!

With all of that being said, if you see your youth minister struggling or kids not getting engaged in the group, maybe this is our problem. Step up and help him out! He can't do everything.

Keep on keeping on. :)