Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)

I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

"...for Kings and All Who Are in High Positions..."

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

- 1 Timothy 2:1-4

As I read these verses in my Bible study yesterday, a couple of things occurred to me. The first being that not only do I need to pray for other people, but that I need to be lifting up supplications, intercessions, and thanksgivings for them as well. For those like me who hear the word supplication and somewhat get the gist of what it means but don't actually know what it means, I looked up the definition.

Supplication: the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly.

Inserting that definition into the text, it makes lifting people up like this look a lot different. It's not a "oh yeah, I pray for this person for this. Okay cool. Thanks." It becomes a deeper, "Dear holy God, I come to you humbly on behalf of this person, lifting them up to you for this reason that your will shall be done in their life and I pray for this outcome and that all the glory be to you." It's a whole different meaning, a different demeanor.

The other thing that I realized is that Paul is telling Timothy to lift the kings and rulers up in prayer, alongside with everyone else, that they too come to know Jesus and live a peaceful, quiet, godly, and dignified life. In that day and time, that meant Caesar! That meant the officials that persecuted fellow believers! That's a big deal! Of course this is in line with what we see Jesus taught his folowers in what I read today, Luke 6:27-28:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

So what does this mean for us? We are to pray for our leaders no matter who they are. That means President Trump. That means his predecessor, President Obama when he was in office. And it means the person that will come after President Trump. We are to honor them and lift them up in prayer that God will work through them and for HIS will to be done. We are to pray for them so that they too may lead a "peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way."

It's time to stop the hate. It's time to start praying. It doesn't matter if you like people or not, what they do isn't up to you. You're reaction is. Get down on your knees and pray for people, that they may also know the amazing, life giving, gift of grace from God, our Savior Jesus Christ who died on a cross to redeem us from sin. I pray that you will strive every day to look more like Jesus, just as I am. For I am not a perfect person, but I pray that God will work His will in and through me. For by myself I can do nothing, but it is Christ who works within me.

for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

- Philippians 2:13

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20

Heartbroken

In the past few days, there has been a shooting in Baton Rouge (an hour away from where I live), and a shooting in the city I grew up in, Dallas. I am sickened. I am angry. I am heartbroken.

I admit I don't know a lot of what happened in Baton Rouge and I don't know much of what happened in Dallas. What I do know is a man was killed who happened to be black and mass amount of people are enraged because the color of peoples skin. So enraged that people of the same skin color are stopping traffic to "protest". So enraged that they "protest" in a violent way and 5 officers/security guards lost their lives.

When will it stop?!

Nothing is about skin color. No one is being oppressed unless it is of their own doing. If you really think something is happening, there is a peaceful way of doing it. Look at Martin Luther King Jr. Look at Gandhi. Violence to bring about change is doing nothing. How is what you have done any better than what that cop in Baton Rouge supposedly did?

Stop with the hashtags. Stop with the "protests". Stop with the madness. This isn't solving anything.

A people divided is a people conquerable. Nothing will get done until we band together. All lives matter. Not just a certain skin color or ethnicity. All people are God's children and we should treat them as such.

My heart is broken. I am in tears for the families that lost loved ones. I am in tears for people who are so lost that they think this is okay. I pray for those people. I pray God shows up in a BIG way in their lives. I pray they find Him and His peace. I hope you will join me in prayer. Through Christ, all things are possible and all things can be healed.

Pray for the families. Pray for the "protesters". Pray for peace. For God is the ruler of all things.

Am I Enough?

Recently I watched a video on RightNow Media called "Am I Enough?" It showed three women in different stages of life wondering if they were enough. We all ask that question, don't we? We go throughout our day wondering if we are good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, enough for our husband, our kids, our jobs. We even wonder if we are spiritual enough.

The video ended with a man's voice reading verses such as, "I am the way the truth and the life." - John 14:6 "[I] am near to all who call upon my name." - Psalm 145:18 "[My] mercies are new every morning." - Lamentations 3:22-23 "[My] love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Then the voice asks, "Am I enough?"

That struck me. God should be enough for me. Why am I not living that way? He is my father, my Lord, my savior. He loves me more than I could ever imagine. He died for me while I was still a sinner. He says I am more than enough.

Why do I doubt Him? Why do I still wonder if I am enough? Why am I not trusting fully what He says?

You are enough. You are loved. Continually choose to trust what your Father says about you. You are His heir and He chose you! How could we ever doubt that we are enough when the creator of all the universe looks upon us with such love and joy?

Perhaps we just forget. Let this be a reminder. Let us remember that we are more than enough because we were chosen by God! Let's put it on our ceiling above our bed so it is the first thing we see in the morning. Then we will never have to ask "am I enough" ever again!

The Battlefeild

Last Friday I had a friend pray over me. She and I have been talking for a while about the struggles of life and the spiritual battlefield. She told me her story and she is helping me grow and understand more.

This weekend Tanner and I went on the youth group Beach Retreat. On our way there I was sitting there thinking and, for some reason, my mind wandered back to elementary school. I had this insane realization.

I was baptized just after I turned 8. I remember talking to my parents about it on the way to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and them offering to pull over and find some water right then. I remember telling them that I could wait until we attended church that Sunday (which ever one we decided to attend in Arkansas). I remember that day being so excited, not realizing when the invitation song was sung, and thus being very distraught when service was over. I remember my dad explaining it to me and going forward to the preacher anyway so that I could. I remember the smile on my face and my dad's strong and stead hand on my back. I remember my feet coming off the ground a little and how I mentally freaked out a little while I was under the water, scared I was going to fall. I remember all the hugs and the older ladies asking if I would like to partake in the Lord's Supper, them bringing it to me. I remember the love and the joy on that day.

Little did I know, I stepped prominently onto battlefield at the moment I came up from the water.

In the fall, I started 3rd grade at a new school. I sat by a girl who talked to me and became a friend. Unbeknownst to me, Satan would use that friendship against me. That year and the two after (3rd - 5th) were filled with torment. I was bullied and torn down. My grandpa got sick and died and I felt guilty that the last time I was at his house I threw up on his floor. And when I was sad because he was sick and I told my friend, she tried to one up me saying that she had bruises on her bottom from being whipped. I learned to keep my mouth shut because it felt like no one cared.

I left Elementary School wounded, scared, and guarded.

Time after time Satan used my friends to wound and scar me. I built up walls to guard my heart, determined to not get hurt again, yet desperately desired for someone to break past them and take care of my heart. I became shy, broken, and reserved.

I didn't realize that those walls would hinder my relationship with my mom, my dad, my sister, and ultimately my heavenly Father. 14 years later I am still battling those walls and the fear that came with those wounds. I struggle with letting people in. It is only by God's power that my wonderful husband, Tanner, made it past those walls.

This realization made my jaw drop and my eyes widen. For the first time, I saw the battlefield. I had this thought of wishing someone had taught me how to put on the armor of God instead of just about it.

So, this weekend I opened myself to God. I wanted to break the walls down, but I knew I needed his help. I knew it would only be through Him that I would find healing. During our time of silence the first day I mentally said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me."

That night, the speaker, Mark, invited us to once again take a breath and just listen. Again, I said mentally, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." I was sitting there just listening when I heard a not quite audible voice, but it was distinctly, "You are beautiful, my child." Tears shot to my eyes and I reeled mentally for a moment. Had I really heard something? Did I just make it up? But I remembered my friends story and how she had heard something before too. So, I accepted it, blinking back tears.

When Mark started talking, he showed pictures of a groom seeing his bride for the first time on their wedding day. He made the point that this is how God sees us. He is our groom and we are so beautiful to him. Of course, I started crying because it was so beautiful. (Though when he first started showing the pictures I had a brief moment of wishing I had the picture I thought I was getting of Tanner seeing me. And then I remembered what my mom had described and an image came into my head and I was really happy. Note: I couldn't see the whole way down the aisle due to my contacts.)

When Mark stopped talking, there was a silence to let everything soak in. So, I sat, lifted my head up to the sky, and once again said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't hear anything and so I just went into praise. "You are my God. You are my Savior, the Lover of my soul." In the middle of a praise, I was cut off. "I am here. I have always been here. Seek and you will find." Then I felt something. It was like arms were wrapped around me, but not just my body, my heart. I felt free and joyful. Tears streamed down my face. God was with me. He was here and he wasn't going to leave me. I wanted to hug anyone who got near even if I didn't know them (I didn't).

I also got this image in my head. At first I was kneeling down at His throne in Sparta like warrior garb. But then, it was like He lifted me up and I was as His side dressed in a white Grecian style dress with the floor-length style skirt, it was sleeveless but had thick, tank-top like, graceful sleeves. The top was silver in that it was like armor. I had on the classic tall, Roman, sandals. It was beautiful. I was not just a warrior, but a warrior princess.

I got to talk to Tanner about it and he said something along the lines of that God was showing me that He had been with me all along, through all of the hurt. Tanner held me as I cried some more, grieving the time I spent breaking God's heart in my search for healing as I built my walls, distancing myself and then wondering where He was.

Every morning, now, I try to make time to pray and listen. I make sure to arm myself, and every time I pray on the armor of God I see that image I did Saturday night, the warrior princess.

I pray that you will find peace in Him and that you will find your healing in Him. For God is with you and no one can be against you. God has already won the war.

Devotional Writing Block

I am working on the devotional thoughts for the Girl's Night for our teen girls. I have tried two different topics. Both times I have gotten two paragraphs in and realized that it sounds more like a speech and/or blog than it does a devotional. There are no discussion questions. While it would be good, I don't want to preach at them. They didn't come to Girl's Night for a sermon, and our goal for the night is to get them to bond. Bonding doesn't happen while your sitting and listening to someone talk.

I am at a loss of what to do. I want to talk about this topic, but I can't seem to not write anything but a speech/blog. Granted I would absolutely LOVE to give a speech, but this isn't the audience, the time, or the place. Tanner said he had the same problem when he started preparing devotionals and it just takes practice. The problem with this: I am a perfectionist. It's a flaw, I know. I don't want to go into this with something that is more speech than it is discussion. I know I will lose their interest. They must interact!

HOW DO I STOP MYSELF FROM WRITING A SPEECH?!

The point I want to get across is that they are the bride of Christ and they don't need to look for love elsewhere because they have the perfect love from God. He is the lover of their soul. I even have a song I was going to reference (Who I Am by Blanca).

My brain just does not want to come up with questions that would lead to that point. I've come up with a great start to a speech/blog though!

Sigh.

Feel free to leave ideas in the comments! Your thoughts are appreciated!

The Love of God

Do you know the extent of God's love for you?

You may say, "Well, yes. He is my Father."

Guess what? He loves you MORE than just a father. It's true, a father's love is insanely deep. However, not only does God want to be your Father, he wants to be the lover of your soul!

Let's go back to the scripture for a moment. You remember in Genesis there is this guy named Abram, whose name gets changed to Abraham. He makes a covenant with God and from Abraham and Sarah come the Israelites. It's a story we are told as kids, right? Minus the bloody, nasty parts, of course. Don't want kids throwing up or having nightmares now, do we! But isn't everything in the bible important? Of course. In fact, it's actually an integral part of the story! (A lot of my knowledge comes from Ray Vander Laan. If you want to check out his stuff go to www.followtherabbi.com.)

In Genesis 15, Abram asks God how he would know that God would give him all the things God has promised. (This is called chutzpah is Hebrew, which is like persistence. But I won't get into that right now.) So God tells Abram to go get a cow, a goat, a ram. a dove, and a pigeon. What he doesn't tell Abram is what to do with them. However, Abram apparently already knows what to do. This tells us that this was a cultural ritual. (It still is in some places.) What this ritual was is that terms would be made between men and they would agree on the terms, unless it was between a greater party and a lesser party in which the greater party will set the terms. They would then kill the animals and place them where the blood would pool in a valley. Once there was a river of sorts, they would each pick up their tunics, take off their sandals, and walk through the blood. In doing this each would be saying, "If I break my promise, you can do this to me." ("This" being killing and walking in the blood.)

Gross, right? No wonder they didn't tell us this part in Sunday morning Bible class! But if we think about it, God's willingness to do this ritual for Abram's sake shows his immense love! He is the God of the universe for goodness sake. He could have just said, "Because I said so!"

So let's continue with what the text says. Abram then waits for God, making sure the birds of prey stay away from the carcasses. (Again, gross!) The sun starts going down and Abram falls asleep. In his sleep, he realizes what his end of the bargain is, to be blameless, and he because terrified. No kidding. Abram knew that if he even stuck his little toe in that blood, he was a dead man and the promises God had for him would be no more. So, then a smoking pot "walks" through the blood. (This would have been a pot with holes in it that women would have in their tents to put the burning coals in from that days fire and put the top on. It would then smoke all night and the women would then pour out the coals the next morning to make the next days fire with.) This represents God as the greater party would always go first. Thus, it was Abram's turn. The text doesn't say this, but it's as if he walked up to the valley and God, the torch, and moved him out of the way saying, "No wait. I've got this." God walks through the blood a second time. God is saying, "If YOU break YOUR promise, YOU can do this to ME."

At this moment, Jesus was sentenced to death on the cross.

Let that sink in for a moment.

When I told that to the Jr. High students at church Wednesday and their minds were blown. They couldn't believe that no one had connected those dots and told them about it before!

There's more. "What?" Oh yeah!

Fast forward to Exodus. Moses has lead the Israelites out of Egypt and they have stopped at Mount Sinai. This is where I think, "Oh, yeah. This is where God gives the ten commandments!" There's more to the story. This isn't just where God sets ten rules the Israelites have to follow. This is a wedding. God marries his people. The ten commandments weren't two tables with 5 on each one, it was 10 on each, a Ketubah, a contract. This is still practiced in Jewish wedding today, Instead of having vows, the bride and groom will write up a contract each to God of what kind of a husband and wife each will be. Ray Vander Laan read the first one, "You shall have no other idols before me" in this new light as so: "I will have no other lovers."

Powerful, right? "Didn't something happen with the Israelites while Moses was on the Mountain?" Yes. The golden calf. See, while Moses was getting the Ketubah from God, the Israelites decided that he wasn't coming back and so they needed a new god. They melted down their earrings and from it made a golden calf and started worshiping it, throwing a big party. (We won't get into what kind of party it was, but I will say it wasn't G rated. Even Ray Vander Laan didn't want to get into it.)

Fun fact: instead of wedding rings on their fingers, the Hebrews would wear rings in their ears, earrings. Wait, what did they melt down? Their earrings. Their wedding rings. During the wedding between God and his people, his people cheat on Him! You'd think he'd be done with them. Seriously, if it was my wedding and I found out something like that, the wedding would be off! But God doesn't do that. He keeps loving them! He purifies them and then the wedding resumes.

Now that is love. Pure love. Not just from a Father but from a spouse who loves unconditionally and intimately. To know that this is the kind of love that God has for us, and not just the Father/Child relationship that everyone talks about, speaks deeply to me!

Think about our young girls! For them to know that they can be fulfilled in every way because they have a God that loves them as a beautiful bride could be life-changing! They could know that they don't need to look for love from outside sources, from boys their age who are struggling with the same things that they are. Plus, thinking back on my own life, I think I may have looked at some things differently if I had thought of God as my husband and not just my Father. God is our Father, but he is also the lover of our souls. Yes, lover. He wants to know us as deeply as a spouse. Deeper even!

I think that this thought might bring a new perspective to our girls as they look at their relationship with God and what they do with their lives. It sets a new light on "God is always with you." It's no longer God the Father watching you and making sure you don't mess up and when you do He is going to punish you, it's more that God is with me because He loves me deeply and he WANTS to be with me, he CHOSE me.

There is a song by Francesca Battistelli called "He Knows My Name" in which the bridge says:

He calls me chosen
Free, forgiven
Wanted, child of the King
His forever
Held and treasured
I am loved.

Not only does this speak to being a child of God but, in my opinion, also a lover, a spouse, of God. Wanted, His Forever, Held and Treasured, Chosen, Loved; these are all things that a husband would say to his wife (and visa versa). My husband wants me, I am his forever, he holds and treasures me, he chose me, he loves me. As well, I want my husband, he is mine forever, I hold and treasure him, and I love him.

Imagine some things that girls fall into because of the world we live in. What if they had the mindset that when they start worshiping something besides him that they have cheated on him? How would that impact them? Would they still do some of the things the world likes to tempt them with? How does that impact you?!

Just as we all have a love language, God has a love language. His love language is obedience. Just as I feel loved when someone gets me a thoughtful gift, God feels loved when I obey His commands.

I will show God that I love Him by keeping His commandments. I know I am going to mess up, but I know that He is going to forgive me when I do. Because of His love I will strive to be blameless. His love is my motivation. He is the lover of my soul. Is He yours?

What Do You Rely On?

I read a story in progress a while ago by my friend Paige Hottle and it got me thinking.

What are we relying on? If we rely on the wrong things, what happens when they are gone?

For example: Someone has a cat and they rely on that dog. That dog is his/her whole world. One day, the dog dies. Suddenly, he/she doesn't think he/she has anything to live for. He/she decides the whole world is against him/her and there is nothing in the world worth living for, thus taking his/her own life.

It's a sad story. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. It's not always a pet. Sometimes it a boyfriend or girlfriend, a job, a friend, a title, or a prized possession. This is could be why some people jump from relationship to relationship or someone always needs a pet (or another pet and another pet and so on).

Why is it that we don't rely on God?

Here's the thing. God is constant. He loves each and every one of us. He is never going to leave us. If we put our trust in Him and rely on Him, let our life depend on HIM, our hope will never be lost! Nothing on this earth can satisfy us like God and His love can. We can try to fill that hole with everything under the sun, but we will never find purpose in those things.

The purpose of life is to give glory to God. He created us. He is the only one that fulfil us. He made us to have relationship with Him, to give Him glory. If we aren't living for that, we aren't living for anything.

So, what are you relying on? Is it material things? (Yes, pets included.) Or are you truly relying on God?

Keep on keeping on.

<3 Elisabeth

God is Good! His Love Endures Forever!

This past weekend, Tanner and I made the trip up to Ohio to spend time with his family and to go up to Michigan to hear Ray Vander Laan speak at Gull Lake Ministries! We went up Wednesday night and got back home Tuesday night. I would love to say that we had a wonderful flight and lots of time to spend with his family because we flew; sadly, I can not. We were unable to board the plane to get up to Ohio, so we drove. 16 weary hours. What is worse is that we left after our plane was supposed to leave. Yes. We drove all night. From 6:40pm to 12pm the next day. I think I got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep... maybe. Tanner only got about 1 or 2 hours. I will never do that again. Ever.

So, we got there, rested for maybe 10 minutes and then kept on going. My mother-in-law threw a Scentsy party for me and Tanner got to spend some time with his best friend! It was pretty fun. His whole family (well, most of it) was there and the guys talked while us girls talked Scentsy.

Friday, we went up to Michigan and met my parents and sister at Gull Lake Ministries. My family and I went two years ago (which is crazy since it is so close to where Tanner lived.. small world!) and loved it, so I was super excited for this year! There we listened to Ray Vander Laan speak for 8 sessions! He spoke that night, Saturday morning, twice in the afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning! Listening to him is like standing in front of a fire hose! There is so much to learn from him! He studied under a Jewish Rabbi for a while and has taught High School Bible for 37 years! He takes tours over to Israel! And I'm sure that is just a portion of all that he has done! (Check him out at www.followtherabbi.com!) My sister and I both bought brand new notebooks to take notes in, and she filled hers half way up! I didn't write as much, but that is because I am a terrible note taker and I can only write down so much that will be coherent later. As you can assume, this was a terrible burden in High School. Ha ha!

Anyway, a short thing that I learned this time around was that the green pastures is not what we think. What it would mean to an easterner is a lot of  green tufts of grass growing up in the desert (because that is where the shepherds have their sheep since there is limited farm land) from in between rocks where the water had pooled from the rare rain. So it's not that God plops us belly deep into alfalfa; He gives us enough for today and will provide for later. This really took root in me! Especially with the new house and all it's payments and bills. Like today, I realized that Tanner had spent more than I thought he did getting my oil changed and washing my car and getting a few needed groceries, because that is the wonderful husband that he is, and we didn't have enough to pay what bills we needed to pay before Tanner gets his next paycheck. After digging up all the change and cash I could and putting in the back and we still didn't have enough, I just looked to the sky and said, "God, I trust you wholly." Tanner then texted me later saying that his boss gave him an amount of money for the some scrap metal. With that added, we had enough for the bills and some groceries to last us until next paycheck. I almost cried, saying, "God is good! His love endures forever! He makes me lie down in green pastures! Thank you, God!" It was an awesome experience.

After parting with my parents and shoving all our belongings into the car, we drove back to Ohio to spend the rest of Monday with Tanner's family. When we woke up the next morning, planning to leave at 7:30am, his dad made blueberry pancakes and thick, wonderful bacon! Then we started loading the car. This is when Tanner realized that he had left his door open all night. Normally, that would have been fine, but it had rained all night. His seat was soaked, the back was soaked, my camera bag was wet (thankfully my camera and everything in it was fine), my purse was wet (again, thankfully nothing inside was too wet), the mirror that my mom had bought was wet... It totally ruined the morning. We dried everything off as best we could, though his Monte Carlo has fabric seats and not leather seats.. but that could be a good and bad thing when it comes to water, and put a tarp and towel on the seat to keep the water from getting on us as we drove. After we carefully loaded everything in the car, met Emily's, my sister-in-law, new goat, and said our goodbyes, we drove off home bound. We got in at about midnight and unloaded only the necessities, rolling the windows down and keeping the sunroof open so the car could dry out over night and the next day in the garage, and went straight to bed. The back of the car is still wet and Tanner is working on ways to dry it out as I type. This includes kitty litter and a probably a whole roll of paper towels. This should be interesting.. ha ha! I trust him. :)

All in all, it was a very eventful extended weekend! Now to figure out what to do about the flight credit we have... :P

Keep on keeping on!

~ Elisabeth

Bring Shalom to Chaos

Okay, so this took me a little longer than I thought it would, but it's here now. Just a warning, this may be a really long post. It also may be a little crazy, but I'll try and make sure it makes sense. :) Also, I can NOT do justice to what Ray Vander Laan said, and I also don't claim that I have done any of the reasearch and whatnot behind it all. These are just my observations about some of the things that Ray Vander Laan said and some things that stood out to me. That being said, to the blog!

First of all, I just want to show you all a picture of how my notes, which I think reflects how my brain works, but I digress.

Now, on to the talking about it all, though expect about three more pictures. :)

One of the first things he said was that we are to hagah the word. He went on to explain what that word ment. Hagah is like a sound word and it means to completely mediate on it and to read and know every detail. He also said another word, hakak, which means inspired, but I can't remember how he used it exactly. The next thing that caught my attention was what he said about what the story behind the forgiving people 7 times 77 times. Most of us interperate it as 7 being the perfect number so you just keep forgiving. But Ray Vander Laan (here on out refered to as RVL) pointed out something I hadn't thought of before. Now if we go to Adam's line, from both Cain (evil) and Able (or really Seth who replaced Able after Cain murdered him).

As you can see, if you follow the lines down seven times, you find Enoch being so good that he just "disappeared" with God up into heaven where as it says, in Genisis 4:23-24, Lamech said to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, listen to me; wives of Lamech, hear my words. I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.” Interesting huh?

The next thing that stuck out was something RVL said about the branches that don't bear fruit. We seem to think of it as the stump being God, the vine being Jesus, and the branches being us. But when RVL met an owner of a vineyard, his view changed a bit. If we really look at the story, we find that the stump is Isreal (Judah), from where Jesus comes from. Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. Where is God in this equation? Well, he is the vineyard, of course!

He enthusiasticlly cares for his vineyard and makes sure that the branches bear fruit. Speaking of which, let's talk about the bearing fruit thing. See, over there, they don't attatch the vines to poles or whatever. They grow on the ground. But there are parasites and what not on the ground making it hard for the plant to grow good fruit. So, when a vineyard owner sees this happening, he props it up with a rock or something to help the branch out. Later, if it still doesn't, it's thrown into the fire. With this in mind, we look at that passage. God first props us up to try and help us bear fruit in our times of trouble. Of course, later if we still don't bear fruit, we get thrown in the fire.

I think that from now on this is mostly going breif little tid bits that caught my attention. :)

"At your moment of success... you are at your most vulnerable. Because you may not continue to trust in God, who got you there." Meaning, that we trust in God when we are aren't doing well. But when we are at the top, we sometimes forget to keep trusting got. At the top is the best place for Satan to get us to think we did it all ourselves and not with God's help.

The cross symbol may have actually started as an anchor. Like our faith is our anchor. I thought that was pretty cool. :)

We are the salt of the earth. In bible times, salt was used to make the fire burn hotter and longer. And the fuel for the fire was, a lot of times, manure. Meaning, that we are going to have to be mixed with some pretty nasty stuff in order to show God. We are meant to be bringers of Shalom to Chaos. So, we are meant to be in the mist of chaos, the manure, to be the shade.

I also thought it was a little curious that the Romans used the eagle as their icon and we also use the eagle as our national icon.

And all of this is only two pages of my notes... Because I am getting a little bored of this, which is sad to say I know, I'm just going to make two more points and hope you can maybe make out the notes above. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have or if you want to know exactly what a section says. :)

The two main points that he made was

and

It's funny, isn't it...

It's funny, isn't it, that for so long, when asked how we are doing, we smile and exclaim, "Good!" when in all reality we are falling apart.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we claim to be "real" we can't even tell anyone that we just want to quit.

It's funny, isn't it, that when we ask how someone is doing, we don't really care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we think we are being so kind and caring, but we don't even say hi to the person sitting alone.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people feel like nobody really cares.

It's funny, isn't it, that most people really don't care.

It's funny, isn't it, that we claim to be the body of Christ, yet we don't move out of our comfort zone.

It's funny, isn't it, how people everyday come closer to giving up and loosing all hope, because they feel they are worthless.

It's funny... isn't it?