Stay Real

There's this guy. He has a blog. His blog is about his journey to loose weight. I know what you're thinking. Every blog about loosing weight or fitness is all about tips and tricks and all positive, full of "You can do it!" or "I got this!" or "Exercise is fun!"

His blog is refreshing because it doesn't have ANY of that! He is so real that some of his blog posts are about how he is struggling or how angry he is, or how he FEELS ALONE.

I can't tell you how awesome that is. You KNOW how awesome that is! For someone to put their REAL feelings out there, to commit to being open and honest and not sugar coating anything! To blatantly say, "This sucks!"

In my opinion, that's what I want to read. It tells me that I am not alone in feeling down or in a funk or just plain sad.

He is an inspiration for all of us to simply stay real. It doesn't matter what other people think. At least we can't be called fakers if we are honest about what is going on.

Read his blog here. It's not professional, but it's real, it's honest.

Most of all, stay real.

To Jeff Bobb, thank you for being real.

Another Day, Another Lie.

Lately, I have been struggling with feeling like I really stink at relationships. I feel like I can't get close to anyone. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However, I do feel the GREAT need to have a best friend(s). I know I need to open up and I know I need to let people in.

I keep hearing, "No one really wants to know you. Why would they care? They don't want to have a deep relationship! Who does? You're too different. Too messed up. Let them know about your struggles? HA! They won't want anything to do with you if they knew. If you say anything about you're struggles or anything that could be negative about your life, you're not being a good wife. You're making your husband look bad. Weren't you told not to disrespect your husband? You wouldn't want to do that, right?"

 I am finding it hard to trust. I've been hurt so bad in my past that I don't know how to let someone in completely. I don't know how to fully open my heart to someone. Even with my husband sometimes! Granted, I have grown tremendously in the past two years; I still have a long way to go.

Tanner has been meeting with a men's bible study group and with a friend weekly. It's so amazing to see him grow and see the bonds he is creating. I long to have that. I know I need to have someone that I can do that with. Unfortunately, every time I go to consider who I might be able to form that kind of deep relationship with, I get an overwhelming feeling that no one will want that kind of relationship with me; no one would really want to talk to me.

Then the reminders of the pain and the past relationships that ended with my being back-stabbed, trampled on, and overall hurt time and time again.

I built up so many walls that even I don't know where they end anymore. I don't know how to trust someone other than God, my husband, and my parents and sister with my heart anymore. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have become so guarded that I carefully examine what I am going to say/expose to who and what they may do with it. This also only happens when I feel it is absolutely necessary.

God put a desire in me, however, to be with others who know me, who I can open up to and be vulnerable with. I have been relying on my family and Tanner to fill this desire, though the brunt falls on Tanner. I know this isn't fair to him. He can't be my husband and my "girlfriend." I know that God fills most of the desire, but He desires us to be in community with each other and thus the desire isn't completely filled.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know what have a "girlfriend" looks or feels like when it is a healthy relationship. My fear of being hurt again holds me back. My past looms over me, reminding me of all the other times I've tried and it failing. I can't hardly talk about it without choking up.

Recently, I told the girls in my small group about the last time I thought I had a good friend and how it ended in hurt and then said "friend" turning all but one of my supposed friends against me. I felt my voice break near the end. I didn't realize how sore a subject it still was, that the wound from that still hasn't healed.

It was HARD to tell them that story even though it was short and summarized into two sentences. I am so grateful to the other woman in that group and how she spoke to my wound in saying that none of the girls (or her) would do anything like that to me. I felt so loved and encouraged.

But the lies still remain. I am still hesitant to let them any deeper. I still hear Satan whispering in my ear.

"You're too much for them. You're too messy for them. If only they knew the rest. They would look at you with pity and disgust. They wouldn't want to talk to you again. You have nothing to offer them."

I know that God can heal all things. Through His power I can overcome this, but I'm not completely sure that I can do it without the help of another God-filled woman.

I pray that you don't hear these lies. If you do, I pray you may overcome them. I pray that you don't walk away from every conversation think that you are the most awkward person in the world as I do. And I hope that you will pray for me as I continue on this journey.

Keep on keeping on.

I wanna go HOME!!!

So.. I got back from a wonderful weekend home last night. It was busy and WAY to short. My friend came down with me and we went to the fair and the DC homecoming and what not. It was fun. We celebrated Cris' 21st birthday!! :/ He's 21!! Ugh! It's so WEIRD!!!! Ah well. Anyway, it was fun and I am leaving Thursday after speech to go back. Why? Because I miss home. And this weekend is going to be relaxing and NOT uber busy like this one was. Why? Because I need it.

I am exhausted. And I have two papers due in Bible. Whoop-de-do. I swear, he is out to kill me. Ugh! I am SO not taking him next semester. I just want to go home, man. I just want to be held in Cris' arms and be comforted and what not. Though, he makes me smile. He called me this morning to make sure I got up, because I had to move my car so that I didn't get a ticket, and he texted me before that, and he's been texting me all day telling me that he loves me and just making me smile. I have his jacket too... haha! I love him. He's so wonderful. ^.^

But yeah... that's what's going on right now.. I need to find something to read for my oral reading in speech on thursday (the ONLY reason I'm leaving at 3:40 instead of 12:30. -.-), and then do the bible paper, prolly start reading the book I have to do the OTHER bible paper over and OH YEAH! Visitation is until WEDNESDAY! -.- This is going to kill me...

I'm going to take a nap...

Peace.

Weird

Yesterday my sister, Meredith, started school. I know, what's the big deal? Well, she and I went to the same campus for the past four years. She is in middle school, but it's a private school so kids from preschool to seniors are all on the same campus. So when she went off to school yesterday and I didn't go with her, it felt really weird! Today still felt weird. Though I am glad to be out of the uniforms. Hahaha!

Anyway, while Meredith was at school, my friend and I decorated shoes and shirts! I was impressed at how well mine came out! And I learned exactly how to spray-paint. lol! So now I think I'll get some shoes to decorate for myself... when I get up enough money again. As for the spray-painting, I'm going to finally do a piece of art with it that I've been wanting to do for a while.

In other news (lol!), Cris, my wonderful boyfriend, is coming back today! I'm ecstatic. Haha! It's only six days until I leave for college and he will be here for them. :) *shudders* Six days... WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! v.v# At least I've got everything... I think... O.o This is nerve-racking. Though the funny thing is, my mom is nervous too. Though she is more nervous that she is going to run into someone she went to college with and won't remember who they are. Yes, I am going to the college my mom went to. It's a good, and beautiful, college! :D My aunt's both went there as well. So... it's kind of a family thing. On my mom's side anyway. Though my mom would've have been okay if I had gone somewhere else. But Harding feels like home, so that is where I'm going. However, right now, I am REALLY nervous.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. :) But I'm really stoked about seeing Cris. XD

Well, Too-del-ee-do! (Hahaha! XD)

Success!

Today was a very successful day. I took my sister, Meredith, shopping, and she got what she needed and I got a new alarm clock for my dorm! It was $20 cheaper than the one I was originally looking at. And it plays CDs, Which the fist one didn't. :) I am a happy camper. On top of all that, last night I got everything back. XD It is very exciting.

Tomorrow... I may go out to shop again... *shrugs* Who knows? And next week I'll be hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in a while... That is if my parents are cool with it... But I think they will be. ;) But ya! I'm in a very good mood and I'm happy and that is all that really matters. I would say "right?" but I honestly don't care if you don't think I'm right. In fact, I'm sorry for you. Lol! I know I'm right. Lol!

And, now, I shall bid you adieu. :D