Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)

I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

Immense Love

I was always told that there was nothing like a parent's love. I knew it was true, but I was never able to fully grasp it.

I married Tanner 6 years ago. I love him with all my heart! My love grew for him every day we have been married (and still does). I couldn't imagine loving anyone with more intensity than I loved him. Eden proved me wrong.

I still love and adore my husband. He is the BEST. But when I look at our daughter, our Eden... my heart literally feels like it is simultaneously melting and exploding! There was no way to fully understand the love a parent feels until you are one, holding your child in your arms. There really is nothing like it. And, to be honest, it wasn't until she was in my arms that the love I had for her fully manifested.

Of course I loved Eden while she was in my womb. I whispered that I loved her to my growing belly frequently. My heart grew when she wiggled and kicked and when we saw all her movements during the ultrasound. But when she was put into my arms, when the little person growing inside me was suddenly in my arms, it was like my heart burst. She was here. She was alive in my arms, looking at me with sweet newborn eyes. There was a nurse by me tending to her, Tanner was next to me as soon as he cut the cord, but all I saw was her. All I felt was her delicate skin against mine. It was love as I'd never felt it before. Due to all that went on, I still didn't grasp the magnitude of it until a few days later, when I wasn't fogged by pain meds or in a completely sleep deprived state (thanks to my parents for letting us get some much needed sleep 💗). Still to this day, I'll look at her and feel my love for her grow exponentially.

How much greater is God's love for us! He is our heavenly Father! He MADE us! He knows WAY more about me than I know about my daughter. Being Eden's mother has given me just a GLIMPSE of the immense love He has for me. I mean.. wow. There really is NOTHING like the love of a parent. And there is certainly NOTHING like the love of God. He IS love. Just wow. 💛

An Eventful 4th of July

This past weekend was July 4th. Tanner and I had planned to go to Dallas to visit my family and spend time with them there. Even had Monday off so we could spend some extra time with them! We were excited and it promised to be a great weekend.

Last week however, Tanner decided he really needed to go to the dentist as the taking of ibuprofen was getting out of hand. The tooth he had gotten a crown on didn't ever stop hurting in one way or another, whether it be sensitivity or just a slight pain. Also, his wisdom teeth were coming in weird and giving him issues. So, he made the appointment for Friday morning and our plans remained unchanged.

The appointment went well, minus the part when Tanner had to bite down on a piece of plastic with the crowned tooth which caused him intense pain. They told him he was going to need a root canal and his wisdom needed to be removed. Prices were better than other places, and we decided we would makes sure when would be a good time to schedule the next appointment and call them with a time and date. They also gave us a prescription for the pain and some antibiotics.

The rest of the day was uneventful and soon we were off to Dallas.

Oh what a ride it was.

Tanner was is so much pain and he was the one driving so he couldn't take the pain pill they had given him because it would make him drowsy. Six ibuprofen later and he was still in pain. We spent most of the car ride in silence. Note that the ride is five and a half hours long.

We FINALLY made it to Dallas, got the truck unpacked and Tanner was able to take his pain pill. He went to bed and I stayed up a little longer to wait for my sister to get home and to just talk with my parents. I expected Tanner to be passed out, but when I went back a couple hours later to go to bed, he was up brushing his teeth. He was still in pain. We went to bed and he tossed and turned, took more ibuprofen, and finally fell asleep at about 5:30 am.

Obviously, I didn't sleep well either. :P

One unhappy camper.

The next morning he seemed to be feeling a little better. However, it didn't last long. We had gone grocery shopping, and we were back at my parents cleaning the grill, cooking, playing with my little cousin, Collin, and we eventually went swimming. Tanner, despite how hard he tried, sat on the steps most of the time with his head in his hands. (My poor hubby. :( ) He found that keeping cold water on the tooth with the cap helped, but he had to keep it on there. On the plus side, he drank LOTS of water. :P

After we came inside from swimming to eat dinner, he got hit with pain that had him curled up on the bed with his hands on his head pleading for it to stop. It was awful. I got him some more water and went to eat. Mom and I then thought of the idea of an emergency dental place. I started looking some up on my phone but, being the 4th of July, it wasn't clear if they were open. Tanner's pain finally subsided and he came out to eat some steak. Mom called the emergency dental place, found out they had been taking patients (frustrating) and they would be open for an 11:30 am appointment the next day.

After church we run over to the dental place, they get us in, take more x-rays and give us the price to do a root canal. More expensive than our dentist, but we decided to do it anyway because Tanner was in SO much pain.

2 hours later and Tanner is a VERY happy man in NO pain! He even fell asleep a couple of times during the procedure! (He was way to exhausted and with out the pain there to keep him up he just passed out. :P )

The rest of the day was very happy and we were thankful to have an extra day to spend in Dallas with my family. The ride home was also MUCH more pleasant.

So our restful weekend turned out to be a very interesting one.

Moral of the story. If you need a root canal, in a tooth that has been hurting, get it done the same day! Also, don't wait a long time to get the tooth that shouldn't be sensitive anymore but still is checked out. Not a good idea.

AND, don't eat heath bar ice cream. That's what got us into this mess in the first place. Heath bar ice cream cracks teeth. Don't do it.

Hope y'all had a less eventful (unless the events were good!) 4th of July!

God is Good! His Love Endures Forever!

This past weekend, Tanner and I made the trip up to Ohio to spend time with his family and to go up to Michigan to hear Ray Vander Laan speak at Gull Lake Ministries! We went up Wednesday night and got back home Tuesday night. I would love to say that we had a wonderful flight and lots of time to spend with his family because we flew; sadly, I can not. We were unable to board the plane to get up to Ohio, so we drove. 16 weary hours. What is worse is that we left after our plane was supposed to leave. Yes. We drove all night. From 6:40pm to 12pm the next day. I think I got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep... maybe. Tanner only got about 1 or 2 hours. I will never do that again. Ever.

So, we got there, rested for maybe 10 minutes and then kept on going. My mother-in-law threw a Scentsy party for me and Tanner got to spend some time with his best friend! It was pretty fun. His whole family (well, most of it) was there and the guys talked while us girls talked Scentsy.

Friday, we went up to Michigan and met my parents and sister at Gull Lake Ministries. My family and I went two years ago (which is crazy since it is so close to where Tanner lived.. small world!) and loved it, so I was super excited for this year! There we listened to Ray Vander Laan speak for 8 sessions! He spoke that night, Saturday morning, twice in the afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning! Listening to him is like standing in front of a fire hose! There is so much to learn from him! He studied under a Jewish Rabbi for a while and has taught High School Bible for 37 years! He takes tours over to Israel! And I'm sure that is just a portion of all that he has done! (Check him out at www.followtherabbi.com!) My sister and I both bought brand new notebooks to take notes in, and she filled hers half way up! I didn't write as much, but that is because I am a terrible note taker and I can only write down so much that will be coherent later. As you can assume, this was a terrible burden in High School. Ha ha!

Anyway, a short thing that I learned this time around was that the green pastures is not what we think. What it would mean to an easterner is a lot of  green tufts of grass growing up in the desert (because that is where the shepherds have their sheep since there is limited farm land) from in between rocks where the water had pooled from the rare rain. So it's not that God plops us belly deep into alfalfa; He gives us enough for today and will provide for later. This really took root in me! Especially with the new house and all it's payments and bills. Like today, I realized that Tanner had spent more than I thought he did getting my oil changed and washing my car and getting a few needed groceries, because that is the wonderful husband that he is, and we didn't have enough to pay what bills we needed to pay before Tanner gets his next paycheck. After digging up all the change and cash I could and putting in the back and we still didn't have enough, I just looked to the sky and said, "God, I trust you wholly." Tanner then texted me later saying that his boss gave him an amount of money for the some scrap metal. With that added, we had enough for the bills and some groceries to last us until next paycheck. I almost cried, saying, "God is good! His love endures forever! He makes me lie down in green pastures! Thank you, God!" It was an awesome experience.

After parting with my parents and shoving all our belongings into the car, we drove back to Ohio to spend the rest of Monday with Tanner's family. When we woke up the next morning, planning to leave at 7:30am, his dad made blueberry pancakes and thick, wonderful bacon! Then we started loading the car. This is when Tanner realized that he had left his door open all night. Normally, that would have been fine, but it had rained all night. His seat was soaked, the back was soaked, my camera bag was wet (thankfully my camera and everything in it was fine), my purse was wet (again, thankfully nothing inside was too wet), the mirror that my mom had bought was wet... It totally ruined the morning. We dried everything off as best we could, though his Monte Carlo has fabric seats and not leather seats.. but that could be a good and bad thing when it comes to water, and put a tarp and towel on the seat to keep the water from getting on us as we drove. After we carefully loaded everything in the car, met Emily's, my sister-in-law, new goat, and said our goodbyes, we drove off home bound. We got in at about midnight and unloaded only the necessities, rolling the windows down and keeping the sunroof open so the car could dry out over night and the next day in the garage, and went straight to bed. The back of the car is still wet and Tanner is working on ways to dry it out as I type. This includes kitty litter and a probably a whole roll of paper towels. This should be interesting.. ha ha! I trust him. :)

All in all, it was a very eventful extended weekend! Now to figure out what to do about the flight credit we have... :P

Keep on keeping on!

~ Elisabeth

What was Unknown is Now Blatantly Apparent.

I found out something I didn't know about myself yesterday. The sermon yesterday morning was eye-opening. Not in the way you would think when you listen to a sermon. I didn't find out something about my spiritual life that I'm doing wrong or right; I didn't find out something that was hampering me from having a better spiritual life or that I have a suppressed sin in my life. No. What I found out was something about me.

I deal/have dealt with depression.

I'm not talking about feeling depressed because of something that happened or those days when it just a bad day. I'm talking about the real mental illness.

Yesterday, I was looking at how to know if you struggle with depression that was in our sermon notes (portion above). As I was reading them, I realized that what I was reading sounded exactly like my high school years and my year at college.

I wanted to sleep all the time figuring that if I went to bed, when I woke up things might be better. I either wanted to eat all the time or didn't eat at all. In college, there were times (mostly Saturdays and dinner time on weekdays) that unless someone was going with me, I just didn't go to the caf (cafeteria) because I either didn't feel like getting up or I didn't want to go in sit alone or get take out and sit in my room alone. If I got really hungry and my lips and cheeks hurt enough from biting them (because apparently that is what I do when I get hungry), I would just find a dollar and go to the vending machine in my dorm and get some chips or a candy bar and a drink to hold me over. Sometimes, the lights didn't even get turned on all day Saturdays because there was enough light coming in through the window during the day and the next thing I knew it was dark outside. I felt worthless and that no one liked me.

When I shared with my life group (Sunday night "church") that I realized I was actually depressed in High School and college, one of the ladies asked what I thought the trigger of it was. I gave her the answer that I thought was right at the time, but, after thinking about it longer, I realized what really triggered it.

3rd grade.

I had just moved from a private Christian school to a public elementary school. I had a great teacher, but that was the beginning of the worst three years of my life.

The year before, I had gotten glasses. I didn't need them all the time, but I did need them to see the board. This girl and I sat next to each other and became best friends. We had a good time, but soon she started stealing my glasses out of my desk and hiding them in hers. Later a boy liked me and gave me a beautiful lapel pin when he asked me to be his girlfriend. My mom had told me that I couldn't have a boyfriend and made me give it back. He then turned his liking of me to a disliking of me and began to pick on me. I tried so hard to be friends with him and his friend, but they wouldn't let me be friends with them. It started with pretend fighting, a few of us girls against a few of the boys. It wasn't real fighting. There was no punching or kicking or hurting. That is, until this certain boy pushed me hard to the ground. Later, I was hit in the face with a kickball that he threw, though he kept saying it hit my back. Perhaps he just felt bad for hitting me in the face because it was an accident. It didn't feel like an accident at the time.

Needless to say, things spiraled from there. My supposed best friend kept being my best friend and then lying about me behind my back. The boys kept picking on me, I was called a cry baby at lunch by my "friend' because she hurt me emotionally.

In fifth grade, my grandpa on my dad's side died. It was the first death in our family. I was so hurt because the last time I saw them I had thrown up on their floor. I didn't get to see them very often. I knew my grandma was sick way before that, but I didn't know with what (Alzheimer's disease), so I couldn't spend the night like I used to be able to. I had seen him once in the hospital and I thought he was getting better. What I was too young to know was that he had cancer. I just knew there was something wrong with his kidneys. I told my supposed friend at school during a project that it reminded me of my grandpa and that was why I was sad. She replied with couldn't they just give him a transplant, and when I said no she counteracted with that she had been whipped hard the night before. A year after my grandpa died, my grandma, his wife, passed away as well.

Come to think about it, maybe it was my grandpa's death that triggered my depression. More likely, I think, is that his death was the last straw. With all the pain and torment I suffered with almost everyday from my "friends", loosing my grandpa was probably what struck the final blow.

Throughout High School, I thought it was just all the pressure to be an all A student like my mom and my sister and that no one liked me. Looking back at college I thought it was the continued pressure to have at least a 3.6 GPA to be able to drive my car and the continued fear that no one liked me or wanted to be my friend and the fact that my boyfriend, at the time, stopped talking to me and just played video games while we were on Skype. However, there was a reason I had the insecurities of not thinking people liked me or wanting to be my friend. That came from 3rd thru 5th grade. I know that now. My fear of loosing the people I love spawning from the losses I experience at a young age.

Perhaps those three years were the years when I became the not-so-talkative, withdrawn girl that I was in High School and my year at College. I have made strides in not being that girl, but I still struggle to be the outgoing person I want to be.

During my senior year of high school, there came a point where I decided it all needed to stop. I visited a teacher, who also had a degree in counseling, and asked for help. Of course, it took all the guts I had in me to write the e-mail to ask if I could talk to him and then to actually walk into his classroom. He told me to write out my story because I seemed like a writer, which I am. That lead me to start my blog.

Sometimes I just have to get down what I am feeling. Writing helps me process what I am thinking and feeling into coherence. There is a sense of relief and release when I successfully write something that is what I am thinking and feeling into a coherent series of sentences or paragraphs and post it here, on my blog. This blog has not only helped me therapeutically  but it has helped my writing skills as well. And I hope it helps someone else out there who just wants to know that there is another person out there who isn't perfect and knows what they are going through. Because I have been there.

I have been depressed.

Occasionally, I still struggle with it. And it's not just the one day that everything is just going wrong or just a case of the blues.

If you struggle with anything, know that you are not alone. It's okay to be depressed, it's not a sin. Seek the help you need.

Keep on keeping on.

Happy New Year!!

It's 2011!! 2010 just sped by, didn't it? When I think of New Years Eve, I think of a big party with maybe some dancing and lights, some video games, and just having a ton of fun! However, my family doesn't have the same vision. Either way, this year wasn't exactly how I wanted to start off the new year.

See, my baby cousins were coming down with something, or getting over something, during Christmas, but none of us thought anything of. Then my aunt and uncle, their parents, got sick. Then my other aunt got sick, my grandmother got sick, and my mom was coughing and losing her voice for some reason. So, New Years Eve rolls around and my dad isn't feeling well either. I had a sore throat the morning before and another one that morning. I refused to think I was getting sick and just blew it off. My sister, who was - and still is - feeling perfectly fine, had made plans to go see The Tourist with one of her friends and so we decided we would all go. I had a slight feeling of wanting to throw up, but I, again, pushed the thoughts aside.

We invited my aunt and uncle, who were feeling well, over and asked them to bring their x-box and rock band. My grandma doesn't miss a party, so even though she was still feeling ill she and my grandpa came over as well. My boyfriend, Cris, was invited as well.

I was getting the shivers really bad after the movie, and when I got home, I immediately went to the couch and curled up under a blanket. Cris was the first to arrive and he sat beside me and I felt bad because I was feeling really bad at this point. My mom came in and took my temperature which shot up to 104. I had to admit defeat. I was sick.

Cris sat beside me, holding my hand as I drifted in and out of sleep. My temperature gradually came down and when 12:00 came around I was feeling much better. Cris and I went into the other room and caught the very last bit of the ball drop. He kissed my forehead and my cheek. (This was cute and I liked it, but it wasn't as good as a kiss on the lips, obviously. But, of course, I was still sick.) He stayed for a couple more hours and we watched a couple episodes of SG-1.

I was sick all weekend and still sick when Cris left to go back to Lubbock. So he came by and hugged me, assured me he'd come up for Valentine's Day (which is UBER cute), and then kissed my cheek and forehead again.

But I'm all better now and I worked out today! I'm pretty excited about that. I'm going to try and workout everyday, or every other day at least. It was really fun and I actually enjoyed it! I was surprised by this. Sometime this year, I WILL have a flat tummy! It WILL happen!! It HAS TO!!! 'Course it helps that I am going to be working out every other day with my two good friends... I have no choice in that matter. Ha ha!

Hope y'alls New Year has started off better than mine has! :)

Doubts...

So... this weekend was GREAT! Friday night I hung out with my room mate and some friends she knew from before, which was fun. Then Cris got here Saturday afternoon, and I hung out with him all weekend. The thing is... I have classes tomorrow. It sucks because it is LABOR DAY, and this is supposed to be LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! But no. Unlike OC and many other colleges that get tomorrow off... We don't. We have classes. So, I am having breakfast with Cris tomorrow and then he is leaving... I miss him already. We had an exciting weekend! Watched The Expendables and Vampires Suck (which was hilarious but not a movie I'd recommend to my parents or my sister. Lol!) and we drove around town and what not.

But yeah... I miss home.. I miss Cris because I know he leaves tomorrow and I'll miss him more after he is gone. I am starting to wonder if this whole college thing is really for me. I mean, I'm supposedly working towards an English degree to become an author... but I don't have a minor picked out and that is one of the things I have to have to GET an English degree. And you know what? In high school, and middle school, and elementary school... I hated school. Yes, the argument can be made that there were times when I liked school. I mostly just like my friends and not the actual school part. Yes, there were a couple of classes I liked. But you know what? They were extracurricular classes. So, the question remains, why am I here? For my parents? Because it is what I am supposed to do? If not that, then what? I keep telling myself things will get better and when I join a club or put myself out there then I'll feel better. But this week, I was going to go try and be outgoing... but I had a runny nose and a cough. To try and relieve it, I went and bought supposed remedies and now I'm broke because the card my mom gave me doesn't work, I'm out of cash, and my bank isn't here. I put on a mask, like I used to do at high school, that says everything is fine and life is great. When asked how I'm doing I smile and say good! When asked what my favorite thing is here I say I don't know, because I honestly can't think of one thing... besides the food. I'm falling away from everything because I don't have a place to call home. College is not what I thought it would be. It has it's good days and it's bad days... and right now.. I just want to go home... or curl up and be held.

The question remains.

Why am I here?

So far, so good... er... okay...

So, college is good so far... I guess. Well, when you take out the feeling horrible because of allergies or something, then yeah, it's good. :) I've been becoming more outgoing, but I don't want to be because of my runny nose and cough. It kind of puts a dampener on things.

Anyway, classes are good. And I might be in a band soon. We'll see. They were looking for a singer/songwriter... but I'm really not good a writing songs... I've written lyrics before, but I always loose the tune. At any rate, I can sing, so I offered that and the guy that was looking seemed pretty excited. So, hopefully that pans out.

I ran into two of the people I knew from church back home and that was cool. They're older than me... by two years... so they make sure I'm doing okay and what not. That's pretty cool. :) My anniversary with my boyfriend is tomorrow. It will be two YEARS since we got together! Can you believe it?! Already?! But it's coming upon us! He's coming up here to celebrate with me, and I am really looking forward to that. It will be another highlight of my week.

Speaking of highlights of my week, I went to a student led devo Wednesday night and it was REALLY good! I really felt welcomed and like they WANTED me to be there. It felt really good. I mean, most of the time, I am walking down the side walk and girls look at me and most of the time I just feel judged. Even by one of my own suite-mates! Although... last night was kinda different. I was coughing up a storm in the bathroom, trying not to wake my room-mate, and she came in and asked if I was okay and if I wanted some tea. I don't know... I just need to get out of this allergy slump and be more outgoing, I guess.

But yeah, that's been my week so far. I got to talk to my parents and my sister and my grandparents last night over ichat. That was cool. It brightened my day... er... night. lol! Oh! I left my key in my dorm this morning. So I had to write my name down and what not. Thankfully, this is the first time, and, hopefully, last, it happened.

Anyway, that is pretty much it... I'm looking forward to seeing my family on the 25th for the Jason Mraz concert! That's right! He's coming here! Dr. Dogg is coming... but... it sounds kinda... yeah... lol! They are trying to get Paramore to come next semester. I REALLY hope they do because that would be freaking AWESOME! Ah... this is good... :)

Neways! I think that is all I have to say... *waits for a moment* .... Yeah! That's it! Haha!

Lates!

On My Own...

So... my parents just left. Yeah... My dorm room looks great though! I honestly don't really know what to say... I already miss them... but I think that if I keep myself occupied.. like writing this... for now, I can keep calm. Unfortunately... I really don't know what to say... At least my bed is comfortable! Haha!

Well... I guess I'll go then...

Toodleoo!

My lovely sister

My wonderful father

My beautiful Mother. :)

I miss you all!!!

Success!

Today was a very successful day. I took my sister, Meredith, shopping, and she got what she needed and I got a new alarm clock for my dorm! It was $20 cheaper than the one I was originally looking at. And it plays CDs, Which the fist one didn't. :) I am a happy camper. On top of all that, last night I got everything back. XD It is very exciting.

Tomorrow... I may go out to shop again... *shrugs* Who knows? And next week I'll be hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in a while... That is if my parents are cool with it... But I think they will be. ;) But ya! I'm in a very good mood and I'm happy and that is all that really matters. I would say "right?" but I honestly don't care if you don't think I'm right. In fact, I'm sorry for you. Lol! I know I'm right. Lol!

And, now, I shall bid you adieu. :D

BANG!!! Xp

... I don't even know where to begin. Well, this week has been crazy to begin with... having practice until seven and all. And then a truckload of work on top of that. Whoever came up with the idea that the teachers should assign major projects the last two days of last week and haven them due at the end of this week needs to be shot... somewhere non-lethal, of course.

Then there is this morning. I grabbed a poster board for English, since I can't really hook up with my partner after school, only to find out that she had an idea and was going to buy it at lunch today. And it didn't matter that I told her I have practice all this week from 4 to 7... because she still wanted to hook up after school and so I told her again today. Well, our project is due Thursday... so she told me that I could type up everything and she would put it all on the poster. I was already angry and upset and stressed enough... and after she said that... and I agreed (because what else was I going to say?)... I was ready to slam everything down and call it quits.

Oh! And I still don't have my car, so when I was trying to bring my dresses up here for theater, and dad can't get up here for lunch (because I have practice today at lunch... and oh yeah! No lunch. And, after seeing my boyfriend for the first time in four days, I won't get to see him because of it... XP) he tried to have me take them with me. Well, I don't have a dang place to put them!! And he got frustrated with them so some are off of their hangers! What the heck am I supposed to do?! But do my parents give me any leeway when it comes to grades and my car? NO!!! And dad is all like, "Yes, we are just mean." And I seriously just wanted to scream and cry!!

This is supposed to be a happy time! But no. I'm stressed as all get out, I want to not care but I can't, and I REALLY don't want to be home right now.

Of course, then there is all the thank you notes I have to write, the scholarship applications to fill out and complete, the job application I have to fill out for college so I can get a job with them and not worry about breaks and what-not - I am ready to give up all hope...

Not off to a good start...

Okay... so I started this in hopes to post everyday. So far, I'm obviously not doing so well. At least I haven't forgotten about it!

Anyway, today has been pretty average. Yesterday... yesterday was a mess. See... my mother grounded me from my car a while ago because I don't have all A's, so now I have a routine set up with my father of how to get back and forth between school and home. Well, he had to do something yesterday and so my mother took my sister and I to school. On our way there, mom decided that she would take me out to lunch, because as a senior I have off-campus lunch. Well, that wasn't the greatest because I usually go ut to lunch with my boyfriend. Though, on the up-side, I did get Ka-ze for lunch instead of fast food...

I then found out that I had the second body paragraph of my research paper for english due today and I hadn't even started! Then my mother decided to pick me and my sister up... which then resulted in us going to Hobby Lobby. Needless to say, I stayed in the car. Well, I fell asleep and they came back thirty minuets later. It was now 5:00.

When we got home, I started on my research paper and started to pull up my other sites that I go onto everyday. I'm a multi-tasker.. it's what I do. Well, my mother comes in and tells me not to... which means not getting on skype with my boy. Thus, I was upset and annoyed. Later that night my mom and I had a small fight and it was just not the greatest day of my life.

I guess it just comes from being a senior... I mean I heard that seniors head-butt with their parents... but right now I feel like I am going to go insane. With all the stress of school and going to college... and on top of that my parents saying that if I don't have all A's before school gets out, not only do I not get my car for the summer, I have to take a college class this summer, and I won't get to take it to college. Not only does that competely stink, it was bumped up from A's and B's last semester to all A's this semester. Their expectations keep rising and I am struggling to keep up.

So, now I am both excited and stressed about graduation. 29 school days to pull my grades up... and until I'm out of highschool. I just want to be able to be myself... is that such a horrible thing?