Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this Sunday, May 12th. This year will be my 2nd Mother's Day. I know what you're thinking. "Isn't your daughter only 7 months old?" You are correct. But here is how I see it. Last year I was 19 weeks pregnant, and just 9 days shy of finding out if the life growing in my womb was a boy or a girl. Thus, last year was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I can hear the skepticism and the "Well, sure, technically, I guess."

But here's the thing. A pregnant woman is called an expecting mother. And if we all agree that life starts at the point of conception, then a pregnant woman is carrying her baby. Yes, said baby hasn't been born into the world. Yes, you can't hold said baby in your arms. But that life is still a BABY. Thus, making the woman carrying said baby a mother.

If we limit Mother's Day to only include those who can hold their children, we are doing a disservice to many people. We exclude those who are expecting, those who lost their child before birth, and those who lost their child anytime after birth. How cruel is that?! Not only is this demeaning and demoralizing to the mother, but it harbors the mentality that the being growing in her womb isn't a child. We have got to change this mindset.

So, to all of you who are expecting or have lost a child, Happy Mother's Day. Own this day.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL you moms out there.

(P.S. This goes for fathers next month on Father's Day too.)

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

Immense Love

I was always told that there was nothing like a parent's love. I knew it was true, but I was never able to fully grasp it.

I married Tanner 6 years ago. I love him with all my heart! My love grew for him every day we have been married (and still does). I couldn't imagine loving anyone with more intensity than I loved him. Eden proved me wrong.

I still love and adore my husband. He is the BEST. But when I look at our daughter, our Eden... my heart literally feels like it is simultaneously melting and exploding! There was no way to fully understand the love a parent feels until you are one, holding your child in your arms. There really is nothing like it. And, to be honest, it wasn't until she was in my arms that the love I had for her fully manifested.

Of course I loved Eden while she was in my womb. I whispered that I loved her to my growing belly frequently. My heart grew when she wiggled and kicked and when we saw all her movements during the ultrasound. But when she was put into my arms, when the little person growing inside me was suddenly in my arms, it was like my heart burst. She was here. She was alive in my arms, looking at me with sweet newborn eyes. There was a nurse by me tending to her, Tanner was next to me as soon as he cut the cord, but all I saw was her. All I felt was her delicate skin against mine. It was love as I'd never felt it before. Due to all that went on, I still didn't grasp the magnitude of it until a few days later, when I wasn't fogged by pain meds or in a completely sleep deprived state (thanks to my parents for letting us get some much needed sleep 💗). Still to this day, I'll look at her and feel my love for her grow exponentially.

How much greater is God's love for us! He is our heavenly Father! He MADE us! He knows WAY more about me than I know about my daughter. Being Eden's mother has given me just a GLIMPSE of the immense love He has for me. I mean.. wow. There really is NOTHING like the love of a parent. And there is certainly NOTHING like the love of God. He IS love. Just wow. 💛

My Little Eden

Dear Eden,

Right now, a month ago today, you were born and placed into my arms. I cried when I held you. You were so beautiful. My heart burst at that moment and it hasn't stopped. Each day you've grown more beautiful, and each day my love for you has grown. Your father and I love you so much! I love being your mom. You are also loved SO immensely by your whole family and our church family. They couldn't wait to meet you and you were immediately adored.

You're growing so fast! Last week you were 10 pounds 3 ounces! You're 3 ounces shy of having gained 2 whole pounds! You're also getting so good at lifting your head up, and you give the best after bottle cuddles. I am absolutely loving watching you grow. You're coos are just the cutest and you're smiling more and more every day. You have so many expressions. I often find myself wondering what you are thinking or dreaming.

I thank God for you, Eden. I hope that you feel all of the love that we have for you. Though it is insignificant compared to the love God has for you. Never forget just how much you are loved by Him, or by us. (I know there will be times in your life when it doesn't seem like it because we are just being "so unfair", but even then, we love you with all of our heart.)

Love Always,

Your Mom 🖤

An Open Letter to My Mother

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you for raising Meredith and me to trust God.
Thank you for teaching us to be honest and seek the truth.
Thank you for showing us how to be a strong, independent women while still being a woman of God and a wife who honors her husband.
Thank you for demonstrating how to praise my husband.
Thank you for taking us on vacations to so many places and showing me the beauty of God's creation and the history all around us.
Thank you for going to work everyday.
Thank you for giving Meredith and me massive and creative birthday parties that celebrated each of us individually.
Thank you for making me and Meredith get along and helping us realize we only have one sister.
Thank you being an amazing role model.
Thank you loving us both even though we weren't expected and didn't fit into the plan you and Dad had decided on.
Thank you doing your best to always put us first.
Thank you for showing us what love means.
Thank you for kissing us good morning before you left for work and leaving a lipstick kiss on our face so we knew you had.
Thank you for coming to our plays and concerts and encouraging us in our endeavors.
Thank you for teaching us to love and care for others.
Thank you for living your life for God and demonstrating to us the importance of giving Him our lives.
Thank you for all the cuddles, laughs, and lessons.
Thank you for all your support and encouragement.
Thank you for pushing us to be the best we can be.
Thank you for all that you have done and all that you are doing.

Thank you for being my mommy. I love you more than I can express and I wish I could be with you to celebrate you today.

Happy Mother's Day.

Your Daughter,

Elisabeth <3

Easter 2014

An Eventful 4th of July

This past weekend was July 4th. Tanner and I had planned to go to Dallas to visit my family and spend time with them there. Even had Monday off so we could spend some extra time with them! We were excited and it promised to be a great weekend.

Last week however, Tanner decided he really needed to go to the dentist as the taking of ibuprofen was getting out of hand. The tooth he had gotten a crown on didn't ever stop hurting in one way or another, whether it be sensitivity or just a slight pain. Also, his wisdom teeth were coming in weird and giving him issues. So, he made the appointment for Friday morning and our plans remained unchanged.

The appointment went well, minus the part when Tanner had to bite down on a piece of plastic with the crowned tooth which caused him intense pain. They told him he was going to need a root canal and his wisdom needed to be removed. Prices were better than other places, and we decided we would makes sure when would be a good time to schedule the next appointment and call them with a time and date. They also gave us a prescription for the pain and some antibiotics.

The rest of the day was uneventful and soon we were off to Dallas.

Oh what a ride it was.

Tanner was is so much pain and he was the one driving so he couldn't take the pain pill they had given him because it would make him drowsy. Six ibuprofen later and he was still in pain. We spent most of the car ride in silence. Note that the ride is five and a half hours long.

We FINALLY made it to Dallas, got the truck unpacked and Tanner was able to take his pain pill. He went to bed and I stayed up a little longer to wait for my sister to get home and to just talk with my parents. I expected Tanner to be passed out, but when I went back a couple hours later to go to bed, he was up brushing his teeth. He was still in pain. We went to bed and he tossed and turned, took more ibuprofen, and finally fell asleep at about 5:30 am.

Obviously, I didn't sleep well either. :P

One unhappy camper.

The next morning he seemed to be feeling a little better. However, it didn't last long. We had gone grocery shopping, and we were back at my parents cleaning the grill, cooking, playing with my little cousin, Collin, and we eventually went swimming. Tanner, despite how hard he tried, sat on the steps most of the time with his head in his hands. (My poor hubby. :( ) He found that keeping cold water on the tooth with the cap helped, but he had to keep it on there. On the plus side, he drank LOTS of water. :P

After we came inside from swimming to eat dinner, he got hit with pain that had him curled up on the bed with his hands on his head pleading for it to stop. It was awful. I got him some more water and went to eat. Mom and I then thought of the idea of an emergency dental place. I started looking some up on my phone but, being the 4th of July, it wasn't clear if they were open. Tanner's pain finally subsided and he came out to eat some steak. Mom called the emergency dental place, found out they had been taking patients (frustrating) and they would be open for an 11:30 am appointment the next day.

After church we run over to the dental place, they get us in, take more x-rays and give us the price to do a root canal. More expensive than our dentist, but we decided to do it anyway because Tanner was in SO much pain.

2 hours later and Tanner is a VERY happy man in NO pain! He even fell asleep a couple of times during the procedure! (He was way to exhausted and with out the pain there to keep him up he just passed out. :P )

The rest of the day was very happy and we were thankful to have an extra day to spend in Dallas with my family. The ride home was also MUCH more pleasant.

So our restful weekend turned out to be a very interesting one.

Moral of the story. If you need a root canal, in a tooth that has been hurting, get it done the same day! Also, don't wait a long time to get the tooth that shouldn't be sensitive anymore but still is checked out. Not a good idea.

AND, don't eat heath bar ice cream. That's what got us into this mess in the first place. Heath bar ice cream cracks teeth. Don't do it.

Hope y'all had a less eventful (unless the events were good!) 4th of July!

Dealing with a Loss

Today is filled with greif and sorrow. Thoughts of what was left undone and what will never come to pass.

My grandmother died last night. Apparently it was just her time. She died in her sleep. My mom called me this morning with the news as she tried not to weep over the phone, to be strong. I couldn't believe it at first. There was nothing to suggest she was going to pass. I can't imagine what my grandpa is going through right now.

Tanner and I had already planned to go to Dallas next weekend for the marriage seminar. I was looking forward to seeing all of my family. Now.. I'm guessing we'll be heading up there sometime this week or this weekend.

I was looking forward to seeing her at Thanksgiving.. and Christmas (or around Christmas time depending on what Tanner and I worked out).. I already had her gift, and I knew she was going to love it. I was looking forward to seeing her at the hospital when my aunt gave birth.. I was looking forward to her seeing my children... So my kids could have a great-grandmother since I didn't get that pleasure because she died soon after my parents got married.

It's funny how life repeats itself.. the same thing that happened to my mom, though probably not in the same time frame, happened to me. My kids will never get to know their great-grandma, just like I didn't get to meet mine. I never wanted that for them. I wanted my grandma to live to see both my sister and I get married. I wanted her to live to see our children. I prayed that she would live that long. I guess God had a different plan.

I wish I could be there for my family. I wish I could hug my parents and hold my sister. I wish I hug my aunts and help my little cousins through this. I know what it's like loosing a grandparent at a young age. My dad's parents died when I was 10 and 11. I know it's going to be so hard on them.

And it just hit me.. she never go to see the pictures from my wedding. Oh the things that were left undone!

I don't want to ask God why. It's not my place. Yet, I find myself  feverishly wanting to cry out and ask why He took her so soon!

If you're reading this, I ask that you keep my family in your prayers. I think this is hard on all of us.. really hard. I'm not sure yet when the funeral is going to be. This is not how I wanted to see my family again. But I can't change that. God has a plan. I just pray he help us all heal quickly. Between this and the news I recived yesterday... it's been a hard week, and I have a feeling that it's going to continue that way. (If you can, pray for someone dear to me. I can't give details.)

I guess there is only one way to go now... forward...

Keep on keeping on.

RIP Grandma. I miss you.

A New Chapter

Right at this very moment, I am 38,999 feet in the air. That's right. I'm on a plane. With WiFi. How cool is that?! It costed me $5, but it's worth it! Ha ha! Anyway, I am on my way back to Dallas after being in Vancouver and packing my things for five days. Six months I've been in Vancouver, Washington, and I look back and see how much I have grown.

When I got to Vancouver, I had just finished my first year of college. I was taking a step out on my own and, quite to my parents dismay, not going back to school and moving what seems like a bazillion miles away. It was a scary step. I had no car, hardly any money, and no job. But I knew I would be with family, and I hadn't seen my cousin, Ry in over a year. I was with my ex and honestly, on an emotional roller coaster that went hand in hand with that. In three words, I was young. It's funny to look back and see who I was then and who I am now. The change isn't drastic, and it happened little by little, but there is a big change.

Because of my time working at Vancouver Pizza Company and being pretty much out on my own, I found myself. Sure, I still am finding more and more of myself everyday, but I gained clarity in areas that I would never have found had I not left Dallas. (Or at least it would have taken me a very long time if I did.) I have become more solid in my faith and find myself closer to God. I have become more outgoing and more outspoken. I'm no longer the girl who hardly talks and strays away from people. I still have to warm up to people, but I don't just stand in a corner and sew my lips shut. I found myself greeting customers that walked in the door, occasionally seating people, taking food out to tables, and handing customers the pizza they ordered to-go. I goofed around with my fellow co-workers, while diligently doing my job of course, and learned to come up with joking, witty remarks to whatever got thrown at me jokingly. I also became more clear in what I wanted in my future husband. Sure, Eharmony helped with that, but so did my experiences. Eharmony just matched me up with the wonderful man I am with today. Though if it hadn't been for God, we wouldn't have found each other. Nor would any of this have happened. God gets ALL the credit. It is through Him that I get my strength.

It's crazy to look back and see how much I have changed and grown. And I know that I will say the same thing six months from now about who I am today that I am saying about who I was six months ago. And so-on and so-on.

I will start my new job tomorrow at my mom's law firm. I am extremely nervous, but I know that I can do it because God has opened this door and lead me to this decision as he did with the decision to move to Vancouver. He has a plan and I place my trust in Him. I am going to miss my family in Washington dearly, in fact, I already do. But I know I will see them again and I am so grateful for the time that I had with them. I love them all very much.

On a side note, what's really crazy is to think about my future. In five months and five days I will turn 20! I won't be a teen anymore! What's even crazier is that I could be married in three years and by eight years there is a possibility that I could have kids! I'd be 28! (Well, in eight years five months and five days.) It's just crazy! And before anyone gets any wild, crazy ideas, no I do not know when I am getting married or anything else. The possibility of that happening is just there. Ha ha ha! But I mean, if you think about it, it really is just there. I'd be 22. ANYWAY, I'm going off on a tangent about that.. ha ha! The thing is, I don't feel old. I don't feel like in eight years I could possibly be pregnant or have kids. It's just freaky. But those will be chapters of my life to be written later, when the time comes. :)

And so a chapter has ended and a new chapter begins.

Keep on keeping on.

Elisabeth

Weird

Yesterday my sister, Meredith, started school. I know, what's the big deal? Well, she and I went to the same campus for the past four years. She is in middle school, but it's a private school so kids from preschool to seniors are all on the same campus. So when she went off to school yesterday and I didn't go with her, it felt really weird! Today still felt weird. Though I am glad to be out of the uniforms. Hahaha!

Anyway, while Meredith was at school, my friend and I decorated shoes and shirts! I was impressed at how well mine came out! And I learned exactly how to spray-paint. lol! So now I think I'll get some shoes to decorate for myself... when I get up enough money again. As for the spray-painting, I'm going to finally do a piece of art with it that I've been wanting to do for a while.

In other news (lol!), Cris, my wonderful boyfriend, is coming back today! I'm ecstatic. Haha! It's only six days until I leave for college and he will be here for them. :) *shudders* Six days... WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! v.v# At least I've got everything... I think... O.o This is nerve-racking. Though the funny thing is, my mom is nervous too. Though she is more nervous that she is going to run into someone she went to college with and won't remember who they are. Yes, I am going to the college my mom went to. It's a good, and beautiful, college! :D My aunt's both went there as well. So... it's kind of a family thing. On my mom's side anyway. Though my mom would've have been okay if I had gone somewhere else. But Harding feels like home, so that is where I'm going. However, right now, I am REALLY nervous.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. :) But I'm really stoked about seeing Cris. XD

Well, Too-del-ee-do! (Hahaha! XD)

What? I'm a night person! What can I say?

So you may be wondering why the sam hill I am up at this hour. Well, I'll tell you... I don't know. Hahahaha! But I've been up later, so I think I can handle this. At any rate, as of today (since this is thursday... even if it is in the wee hours of the morning) I move into Harding (Sears Hall! Yay!) in two weeks. Holly cracker jacks. Time just LOVES to speed by me. All I can hope for is that Sunday, and the time when Cris (my wonderful boyfriend) is here, goes very slowly... though I know it won't. That fact just kind of depresses me.

I am SO nervous and SO excited all at the same time!! I mean... Harding is going to be GREAT! I know it is... but... I've only taken one trip all by my lonesome, and.. well.. it wasn't the greatest experience of my life. I was glad I did it... but yeesh! Of course, I didn't know a single person on that trip. I don't know, I guess I'm just freaking out about not having my parents close any longer. They'll be six hours away! And what am I going to do for money?! My mom and I decided that the first semester I shouldn't have a job as it could add on to the anxiety and stress. But I keep thinking that I won't have any money and therefore won't be able to do anything. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing. But it still is a thought! The other thing is... I don't even know where to begin or how to pack! I look around my room and start freaking out a little. I need to calm down. lol!

Tomorrow, however, I am going to go to Best Buy to see about me getting a new laptop for college since I currently only have a desktop. lol! The one I'm hoping to get is red and black, has a webcam, windows 7, AND a blue-ray player. :) It's exciting. :D hahaha! I really hope that I can get Photoshop CS3 as well. That would be AWESOME!! :D And I need a small, but really good, printer. Gr.. AND I still haven't gotten a comforter... or ways to decorate my walls. This is going to be a difficult two weeks. O.o

On that note, I should probably go to bed seeing as it is just oh... 2:04 in the morning. lol! And so, I shall bid you adieu until next time. :D

Goodnight!

Memories that will stay with me forever.

Last night was senior night at church and then senior banquet right after. It was great! I was super excited... and nervous. But it all turned out well. One walk across the stage, one to go. Lol!

The banquet was the highlight. The theme was disney and all the juniors dressed up as disney characters. It was greatness. The slide show had pictures in it from many different things... and somethings I wish I didn't have pictures of. Like when I was in 5th grade, we did an act out of a jewish wedding. I was happily the bride... until I found out who the groom was... Clint. And up on the slideshow was a, not very good, picture of it. I hid my face. Lol!

Anyway, the junior high youth minister, Joey, gave the senior charge. I think it was hard for him this year because it was the summer after 6th grade that he came to the curch I attend. He started crying at the end... which almost made me cry. It made my mother cry. *sigh*

Well, then Jeff, the high school youth minister (who came a year or so after Joey) and Trey, the children's minister, got up. Trey got up first... dressed at the Beast. He started singing Beauty and the Beast.. and then Jeff got up dressed up as Belle. It was hilarious! I laughed so hard. They went through their thing, calling up each senior and telling them who their parents said they would be. I was Belle. I realized, when they started doing it, the reason mom had asked me this question several weeks before. Jeff announced what I was and then Trey said, "Well after tonight you might want to rethink that."

In all, it was a great night. Now, I have to go write thank you notes to everyone who has given me a present so far. Of course, that will be after practice... and then I think I'll go read the chapter in Ecomomics so that I can get my A... and then start my theater project.... perhaps not in that order... Lol!

Not off to a good start...

Okay... so I started this in hopes to post everyday. So far, I'm obviously not doing so well. At least I haven't forgotten about it!

Anyway, today has been pretty average. Yesterday... yesterday was a mess. See... my mother grounded me from my car a while ago because I don't have all A's, so now I have a routine set up with my father of how to get back and forth between school and home. Well, he had to do something yesterday and so my mother took my sister and I to school. On our way there, mom decided that she would take me out to lunch, because as a senior I have off-campus lunch. Well, that wasn't the greatest because I usually go ut to lunch with my boyfriend. Though, on the up-side, I did get Ka-ze for lunch instead of fast food...

I then found out that I had the second body paragraph of my research paper for english due today and I hadn't even started! Then my mother decided to pick me and my sister up... which then resulted in us going to Hobby Lobby. Needless to say, I stayed in the car. Well, I fell asleep and they came back thirty minuets later. It was now 5:00.

When we got home, I started on my research paper and started to pull up my other sites that I go onto everyday. I'm a multi-tasker.. it's what I do. Well, my mother comes in and tells me not to... which means not getting on skype with my boy. Thus, I was upset and annoyed. Later that night my mom and I had a small fight and it was just not the greatest day of my life.

I guess it just comes from being a senior... I mean I heard that seniors head-butt with their parents... but right now I feel like I am going to go insane. With all the stress of school and going to college... and on top of that my parents saying that if I don't have all A's before school gets out, not only do I not get my car for the summer, I have to take a college class this summer, and I won't get to take it to college. Not only does that competely stink, it was bumped up from A's and B's last semester to all A's this semester. Their expectations keep rising and I am struggling to keep up.

So, now I am both excited and stressed about graduation. 29 school days to pull my grades up... and until I'm out of highschool. I just want to be able to be myself... is that such a horrible thing?