My Wolf

It's Thanksgiving break and I have been home for four days now. Two of which have been filled with the annual stress of cleaning the entire house so it is "presentable" to the whole "clan." However, this is the first year that my sister is a "real" teenager. So, on top of the regular stress of cleaning, she is doing the teen thing. Which includes, but is not limited to: mood swings, occasional ADD, rebelious tendencies, some lazyness, sassyness, criticalness, ect.

Well, you add all that together and you get one frustrated, and slightly angered, me. My wolf doesn't like it. When I get like that I can feel her trying to get to the surface to "protect" me (in a sense). It takes a lot to calm her down and to rein her back in. It takes a lot to calm myself down. The problem is, the thing I really need to do is punch something, or the more practical solution, go for a run. Unfortunately, neither one of those are possible. So, I am stuck with trying to rein her in while doing nothing.

I am so afraid that one day I am just going to snap. And when that happens she will have full control. I have a feeling that if that happenes I won't be able to regain control until she is tired, satisfied, or enough of either or both that I can gain control. It wouldn't be pretty and it would end in disaster. She is usually very calm, but in situations like these, snapping is a possibility because she is distressed and uneasy.


I can feel her inside of me. She is antsy and unsatisfied. It's not good. If I can, I think I'll try to go for a run tomorrow. But for now, all I can do is close my eyes and think peaceful and calm thoughts and hope that is enough. She is begging for control, but I can't give it to her. Not until I am running. She doesn't like being confined and not being able to be let out... especially in times like these... when she is so disturbed. But there isn't anything I can do. Not right now. She and I just have to wait until tomorrow... just until tomorrow...

The Sense of Pack

Wolves: they run in a pack because they have a sense of pack. This is why lone wolves are not found very often. If a wolf has no pack or is separated from its pack for a long period of time, it goes insane. Often they have to be "dealt with" by other wolves. Wolves simply NEED pack.

Coming out here, six hours away, separated me from my pack. I was a lone wolf while I didn't have any pack around me. I quickly found that my wolf and I were slowly slipping into insanity. My family and my friends (that I was close to), my pack, were all at home or other places. I started becoming
depressed, and touchy. It was easier for me to become paranoid about trivial things. All I really wanted to do was go home and stay with my pack.

But over the past week, things have changed. After last night, I feel like I have a pack again. My friend, from camp, who just happened to come here and just happened to be a few doors down, and I started talking and even though she is having issues, we talk a lot now and she invites me to do stuff with her and her other friends. (Those are also slowly becoming my friends as well.) We don't know each other that well, more than before, but she has become part of my pack now. And some of the people, that are becoming my friends through her, are becoming my pack. I feel part of a pack once again. I am no longer pulled back, depressed, or touchy. This is what I needed... what my wolf needed. I am just out there, not caring who sees or what they think. I am me and if you don't like it, then I am sorry. You can't change me.

Look out world, because my wolf and I are coming for you. :D

What? I'm a night person! What can I say?

So you may be wondering why the sam hill I am up at this hour. Well, I'll tell you... I don't know. Hahahaha! But I've been up later, so I think I can handle this. At any rate, as of today (since this is thursday... even if it is in the wee hours of the morning) I move into Harding (Sears Hall! Yay!) in two weeks. Holly cracker jacks. Time just LOVES to speed by me. All I can hope for is that Sunday, and the time when Cris (my wonderful boyfriend) is here, goes very slowly... though I know it won't. That fact just kind of depresses me.

I am SO nervous and SO excited all at the same time!! I mean... Harding is going to be GREAT! I know it is... but... I've only taken one trip all by my lonesome, and.. well.. it wasn't the greatest experience of my life. I was glad I did it... but yeesh! Of course, I didn't know a single person on that trip. I don't know, I guess I'm just freaking out about not having my parents close any longer. They'll be six hours away! And what am I going to do for money?! My mom and I decided that the first semester I shouldn't have a job as it could add on to the anxiety and stress. But I keep thinking that I won't have any money and therefore won't be able to do anything. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing. But it still is a thought! The other thing is... I don't even know where to begin or how to pack! I look around my room and start freaking out a little. I need to calm down. lol!

Tomorrow, however, I am going to go to Best Buy to see about me getting a new laptop for college since I currently only have a desktop. lol! The one I'm hoping to get is red and black, has a webcam, windows 7, AND a blue-ray player. :) It's exciting. :D hahaha! I really hope that I can get Photoshop CS3 as well. That would be AWESOME!! :D And I need a small, but really good, printer. Gr.. AND I still haven't gotten a comforter... or ways to decorate my walls. This is going to be a difficult two weeks. O.o

On that note, I should probably go to bed seeing as it is just oh... 2:04 in the morning. lol! And so, I shall bid you adieu until next time. :D

Goodnight!