Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

Follow Your Passion

Finding your passion can be hard. As much as I want to say that I was always told to follow my passion as a kid, that wasn't the case. I'm an artsy person so I liked singing and acting and photography and painting. When I was in high school and trying to figure out a career I would be interested in pursuing, it became hard to nail down. I thought about all of the things I was interested in, but the message I seemed to be getting was "Those career paths aren't going to make you any money. Pick something else."

I recently passed by the local seasonal garden shop and I wondered how they decided that's what they wanted to do. It got me thinking about my sister in law when she was in high school. Where she grew up, she had a chance to go to a vocational school for her junior and senior year. When she thought about what she would pursue there, she contemplated being a gardener. I remember so clearly that her family, much like my own, steered her away from that passion questioning what she would do with that kind of degree. In the end, she followed her passion in baking and she became a chef. I am very proud of her decision to be a chef as she seems to really love it.

This all leads to the question of how does one find and actually pursue their passion? I still haven't really found that one thing that I love. I still love writing and I love painting and I love singing, and I like taking pictures. Still I don't see a career in any of those things for me. (I still love my job as the Office Manager at Riverside. I wouldn't change it for the world.)

Part of me wonders what my life would have turned out like if I had been encouraged to follow any of my passions despite how much that career would make me. Would I have pursued more roles in the plays at school? Would I have tried for a music major or a theater major? Would I have pursued a communications major when I found that I really enjoyed my speech class? Would the difference in classed made me enjoy college more and made me stay? What would I be doing with my life now? Would I have found my niche? Would I have found the thing that really makes me think, "THIS! This is where I belong and what I was always meant to do!" Would I still struggle with "creative stir craziness"?

In no way am I discontent with my life now. I know God lead me here and here is where I am meant to be. And as I said before, I LOVE my job. I don't know of any other job I would want. (Other than one day being a mother, of course.) I just wonder sometimes.

I hope that you will follow your passion no matter what it is or where it leads. I hope that you will find your strengths and lean on them, see where they take you. I hope that you will not let the fear of needing a career that makes a lot of money take you away from pursuing what you love. God will always provide what you need when you need it. Don't be afraid to pursue your passion.

Find what you love and, most of the time, your job won't seem like work.

Never stop dreaming,

Elisabeth

Fear of Being Nothing More

I am desperate. Desperate for a job that doesn't require my Saturdays, doesn't seem to erupt into chaos everyday or stench of tension. One that allows me to eat healthier than I have been. Perhaps a desk job. Something quiet and requires my organizational skills. Something creative and fun.

So, I do what anyone else would do and search. But then the fear sets in.

I don't have a lot of experience in the office work place. Most of my experience has been at a Pizza Place and a fast-food restaurant. I did work at a law firm, but for a short period of time.

What if I am doomed to be nothing more than a food worker? What if that is the only job I can ever get? What if the only way out is through becoming a mother when I can get a job watching someone else's children along with mine?

I fear I can't become anything more.

The depression hits as the desperation escalates. It's a never ending cycle of  desperation to depression and back again. Trying to claw my way out of the hole of food service. Feeling as though that very hole I have dug myself is doomed to be my grave.

"Elisabeth Ellsworth: Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Food Service Employee."

What if none of my dreams become reality? What if I can never be the stay-at-home mother I always saw myself becoming? What if I can't be the mother I want to be because I'm still stuck at fast food job? What if my kids grow to resent me because I can't be at their games, or plays, or other events because I work Saturday's? What if...?

How do I make it stop?! How do I get out?!

"God, please help me find a way out..."

Keep on...

Happenings.

Lately I have been frantically looking for a job. I've applied anywhere and everywhere and have gotten one declination letter so far. I'd like to say that I could just use Scentsy to be my full-time job, but lately I haven't had so much luck. I am desperately trying to stay positive about everything, but I fear I'm losing the battle.

I've become desperate. As much as I would loathe getting a job at a place like McDonalds or a restaurant, I may have to suck it up and apply and take whatever job comes my way. Until I get a job, Tanner has said that he will work overtime as much as he needs to make all our needs met. Already he is going to have to work two hours overtime for the next year (instead of working a little overtime over 18 months) just to pay a certain person back for the closing costs because in this certain person's mind we have to make sacrifices when buying a home even when this certain person doesn't know what sacrifices we have already made/ are already making! (Sorry.. done with that rant..)

What closing costs, you ask? We're buying a house! I am SUPER excited about it! It's brand new construction in a new development, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathrooms, two stories (bedrooms and full bathrooms upstairs), big kitchen with LOTS of storage space, big backyard, and we got it at a GREAT price! Currently, we are just waiting on the 2nd walk through and closing! :D I can not wait to move! The estimated closing date is April 15th! So, I'm looking for boxes to start packing everything! ^.^

That's pretty much what's been going on in our lives. Major budgeting, desperate job hunting, and prepping for moving!

If you are interested in buying some Scentsy (new Spring/Summer stuff is out, by the way!), just jump on over to my website! http://ElisabethEllsworth.Scentsy.us

Keep on keeping on!

What? I'm a night person! What can I say?

So you may be wondering why the sam hill I am up at this hour. Well, I'll tell you... I don't know. Hahahaha! But I've been up later, so I think I can handle this. At any rate, as of today (since this is thursday... even if it is in the wee hours of the morning) I move into Harding (Sears Hall! Yay!) in two weeks. Holly cracker jacks. Time just LOVES to speed by me. All I can hope for is that Sunday, and the time when Cris (my wonderful boyfriend) is here, goes very slowly... though I know it won't. That fact just kind of depresses me.

I am SO nervous and SO excited all at the same time!! I mean... Harding is going to be GREAT! I know it is... but... I've only taken one trip all by my lonesome, and.. well.. it wasn't the greatest experience of my life. I was glad I did it... but yeesh! Of course, I didn't know a single person on that trip. I don't know, I guess I'm just freaking out about not having my parents close any longer. They'll be six hours away! And what am I going to do for money?! My mom and I decided that the first semester I shouldn't have a job as it could add on to the anxiety and stress. But I keep thinking that I won't have any money and therefore won't be able to do anything. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing. But it still is a thought! The other thing is... I don't even know where to begin or how to pack! I look around my room and start freaking out a little. I need to calm down. lol!

Tomorrow, however, I am going to go to Best Buy to see about me getting a new laptop for college since I currently only have a desktop. lol! The one I'm hoping to get is red and black, has a webcam, windows 7, AND a blue-ray player. :) It's exciting. :D hahaha! I really hope that I can get Photoshop CS3 as well. That would be AWESOME!! :D And I need a small, but really good, printer. Gr.. AND I still haven't gotten a comforter... or ways to decorate my walls. This is going to be a difficult two weeks. O.o

On that note, I should probably go to bed seeing as it is just oh... 2:04 in the morning. lol! And so, I shall bid you adieu until next time. :D

Goodnight!

BANG!!! Xp

... I don't even know where to begin. Well, this week has been crazy to begin with... having practice until seven and all. And then a truckload of work on top of that. Whoever came up with the idea that the teachers should assign major projects the last two days of last week and haven them due at the end of this week needs to be shot... somewhere non-lethal, of course.

Then there is this morning. I grabbed a poster board for English, since I can't really hook up with my partner after school, only to find out that she had an idea and was going to buy it at lunch today. And it didn't matter that I told her I have practice all this week from 4 to 7... because she still wanted to hook up after school and so I told her again today. Well, our project is due Thursday... so she told me that I could type up everything and she would put it all on the poster. I was already angry and upset and stressed enough... and after she said that... and I agreed (because what else was I going to say?)... I was ready to slam everything down and call it quits.

Oh! And I still don't have my car, so when I was trying to bring my dresses up here for theater, and dad can't get up here for lunch (because I have practice today at lunch... and oh yeah! No lunch. And, after seeing my boyfriend for the first time in four days, I won't get to see him because of it... XP) he tried to have me take them with me. Well, I don't have a dang place to put them!! And he got frustrated with them so some are off of their hangers! What the heck am I supposed to do?! But do my parents give me any leeway when it comes to grades and my car? NO!!! And dad is all like, "Yes, we are just mean." And I seriously just wanted to scream and cry!!

This is supposed to be a happy time! But no. I'm stressed as all get out, I want to not care but I can't, and I REALLY don't want to be home right now.

Of course, then there is all the thank you notes I have to write, the scholarship applications to fill out and complete, the job application I have to fill out for college so I can get a job with them and not worry about breaks and what-not - I am ready to give up all hope...

My life just got more crazy.

So... I was out Tuesday from school... and that was apparently our fist practice. Thankfully, one of my friends, who is in the musical with me, told me about the practice yesterday, so I made it to that one. Now I just have to figure out my schedual for the rest of the practices. They are all mostly from 3:30 to 6:30. Thus giving me less time to do any homework or anything else I need to be doing. Plus, trying to get, and keep, all of my grades to A's... this is going to be fun...

But, I'm excited over all. The preformances are May 13th and 14th and I'm uberly nervous/excited! I just hope my knee heals up before then so I don't have to worry about it and I can do all the moves. But yeah... Thankfully, everything is healing well so far.

In other news, Sr. Sunday and Banquet at church is this sunday. Yay!! I'm excited. Yet, I'm kinda nervous of what they are going to say. O.o lol! Ah well. I'll live. :) Only a few more weeks of high school and then I'm a graduate! ... Who needs a job... Good thing I haven't gotten one yet, though. Or I would have to either quit the job or the musical.. and that would not be cool. Hopefully, I will find one soon after though. I'm just trusting God knows what is best at this point... for everything. :)