Friday, July 26, 2019

Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this Sunday, May 12th. This year will be my 2nd Mother's Day. I know what you're thinking. "Isn't your daughter only 7 months old?" You are correct. But here is how I see it. Last year I was 19 weeks pregnant, and just 9 days shy of finding out if the life growing in my womb was a boy or a girl. Thus, last year was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I can hear the skepticism and the "Well, sure, technically, I guess."

But here's the thing. A pregnant woman is called an expecting mother. And if we all agree that life starts at the point of conception, then a pregnant woman is carrying her baby. Yes, said baby hasn't been born into the world. Yes, you can't hold said baby in your arms. But that life is still a BABY. Thus, making the woman carrying said baby a mother.

If we limit Mother's Day to only include those who can hold their children, we are doing a disservice to many people. We exclude those who are expecting, those who lost their child before birth, and those who lost their child anytime after birth. How cruel is that?! Not only is this demeaning and demoralizing to the mother, but it harbors the mentality that the being growing in her womb isn't a child. We have got to change this mindset.

So, to all of you who are expecting or have lost a child, Happy Mother's Day. Own this day.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL you moms out there.

(P.S. This goes for fathers next month on Father's Day too.)

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.
If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)
I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.