Gratitude During COVID

Louisiana has extended the stay-at-home order until May 15th... UGH. So, I thought it was time for a list of gratitude to combat the craziness. Here goes...

(This image was found on Google. I do not own this image.)

Elisabeth's List of Gratitude: (in no particular order)

1) I started working out again.
2) I started drinking more water! 16 to 20 cups a day!
3) Tanner is working 4 10 hour days instead and gets Friday's off (usually) giving us more time to spend together as a family.
4) Tanner only has 14(ish) weeks of Greek left! (Last class of Greek will be over the Summer semester.)
5) Eden is beginning to go in the potty... all of her own desires. We've had the potty for a month and she had practiced sitting on it.. now she WANTS to sit on it and go potty. (The first time she made me sit on the regular potty while she sat on hers. Haha!)
6) My sister-in-law is back to work at her chef job!
7) Tanner has not lost his job at any point because of COVID (the drop in oil prices may change things in the future.. but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. God will always provide.)
8) Zoom. Because of Zoom, we can meet with our friends and still go a version of game night or Life Group or do a devo with the Youth Group.
9) Because of my renewed healthy lifestyle goals and plan, I have lost 3 pounds so far!
10) I'm learning more about Instagram and how to use it to accomplish personal goals.
11) I've stayed with the Riverside Bible Reading Plan! This is the first time I have read my Bible EVERY DAY. I am SO thankful that Riverside came up with this plan at the end of last year to start January 1st. Getting in God's word is SO important and something I've struggled with all of my life.
12) Tanner has done a workout with me and gone on a walk with me and Eden!
13) We started gardening.. sort of. We currently have chives, green onions, spring mix, and basil in pots that are growing! (Thank you Kaylee for the green onion, spring mix lettuce, and basil!) Soon we will have gold potatoes and hopefully spearmint as well! (Still looking for a citronella plant...)
14) Tanner and I did much needed yard work to hopefully make our swamp of a backyard into something Eden can play in.
15) My sister is getting married!! I am over the moon excited for her and her husband to be.
16) DAVE RAMSEY. I can not imagine the kind of bind we would be in if it wasn't for Financial Peace University. I am SO grateful we took it years ago and recently lead our own class and got back to being more Gazelle intense.
17) Online shopping. I am still able to get what I need without the insanity of going places.
18) Family and Friends... just having them is amazing.
19) Coffee. GOOD coffee. And I am grateful that the small company I have become obsessed with (Expedition Roasters) is still up and running as much as they can so I can get my flavored/themed coffee fix on the days I want THE GOOD STUFF. (Seriously. Go check them out. So worth it.)
20) Tanner. He does so much for Eden and me.. working every day and schooling when he gets home while still trying to carve out some family time and us time. He is so good to me. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. I am so grateful for him and that he is the Godly man he is.
21) Eden. I am so grateful that God gave us her. While we have our good and bad days, I am always grateful to be her mom. She is so precious, and smart, and gorgeous and I love her more than words can express.

Well, there you have it. My list of gratitude. This was really great for me and I challenge you to do the same. Remind yourself of all the good in your life and that no matter what GOD IS GOOD. He is sovereign over all of this and he works all things for good. To God be the glory. Amen.

Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)

I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

Immense Love

I was always told that there was nothing like a parent's love. I knew it was true, but I was never able to fully grasp it.

I married Tanner 6 years ago. I love him with all my heart! My love grew for him every day we have been married (and still does). I couldn't imagine loving anyone with more intensity than I loved him. Eden proved me wrong.

I still love and adore my husband. He is the BEST. But when I look at our daughter, our Eden... my heart literally feels like it is simultaneously melting and exploding! There was no way to fully understand the love a parent feels until you are one, holding your child in your arms. There really is nothing like it. And, to be honest, it wasn't until she was in my arms that the love I had for her fully manifested.

Of course I loved Eden while she was in my womb. I whispered that I loved her to my growing belly frequently. My heart grew when she wiggled and kicked and when we saw all her movements during the ultrasound. But when she was put into my arms, when the little person growing inside me was suddenly in my arms, it was like my heart burst. She was here. She was alive in my arms, looking at me with sweet newborn eyes. There was a nurse by me tending to her, Tanner was next to me as soon as he cut the cord, but all I saw was her. All I felt was her delicate skin against mine. It was love as I'd never felt it before. Due to all that went on, I still didn't grasp the magnitude of it until a few days later, when I wasn't fogged by pain meds or in a completely sleep deprived state (thanks to my parents for letting us get some much needed sleep 💗). Still to this day, I'll look at her and feel my love for her grow exponentially.

How much greater is God's love for us! He is our heavenly Father! He MADE us! He knows WAY more about me than I know about my daughter. Being Eden's mother has given me just a GLIMPSE of the immense love He has for me. I mean.. wow. There really is NOTHING like the love of a parent. And there is certainly NOTHING like the love of God. He IS love. Just wow. 💛

My Little Eden

Dear Eden,

Right now, a month ago today, you were born and placed into my arms. I cried when I held you. You were so beautiful. My heart burst at that moment and it hasn't stopped. Each day you've grown more beautiful, and each day my love for you has grown. Your father and I love you so much! I love being your mom. You are also loved SO immensely by your whole family and our church family. They couldn't wait to meet you and you were immediately adored.

You're growing so fast! Last week you were 10 pounds 3 ounces! You're 3 ounces shy of having gained 2 whole pounds! You're also getting so good at lifting your head up, and you give the best after bottle cuddles. I am absolutely loving watching you grow. You're coos are just the cutest and you're smiling more and more every day. You have so many expressions. I often find myself wondering what you are thinking or dreaming.

I thank God for you, Eden. I hope that you feel all of the love that we have for you. Though it is insignificant compared to the love God has for you. Never forget just how much you are loved by Him, or by us. (I know there will be times in your life when it doesn't seem like it because we are just being "so unfair", but even then, we love you with all of our heart.)

Love Always,

Your Mom 🖤

The 2018 Whirlwind Roller Coaster

I've probably said it a million times and I'll probably say it a million times more.. Time FLIES!

This year has just been a whirlwind so far. And it pretty much all started in February when Tanner found out that I was carrying our first child. ^_^ We are so excited! Since then it's just been crazy town! (And I'm not talking about my emotions. :P )

Of course we hit a bump in the road early on.. we found out I was pregnant on a Monday morning, and Friday evening we found ourselves in the emergency room. Apparently, I had a pocket of blood near/in the placenta and it was draining. Thankfully, the doctor told me it was completely normal and that most women have them and never know they do as they don't always drain. They did an ultrasound and baby was right on track and all was well.

This Thursday will mark 25 weeks of pregnancy! We found out about a month ago, that our baby is a little girl. We are SO excited! Eden is already so very loved and cherished, and we can't wait to hold her in October. ^_^

In between all of this was the women's retreat, preparing for camp next week, my 26th birthday was this past Friday, we had our gender reveal party the weekend before that.. it's been a wild roller coaster!

But in it all, Tanner and I hold strong to God and know that he is with us and is providing for us. He is taking care of us and our beautiful baby girl. All is in his timing and his timing is wonderfully perfect.

I hope that whatever ride life has you on, that you hold fast to the one who made you, the one who knows every detail about you and loves you more than we can comprehend. He will take care of you and provide for all your needs. All you need is to trust him, lean on him, and know that his timing is perfect.

Green Pastures.

This past month, life has taken turn after turn. At the end of last month, Tanner and I had our Baby Step 1 finished (Dave Ramsey) and were excited to use that money to continue saving for the upcoming holidays and start knocking out our debt! Then we got the news. Due to work being slow because of the oil industry being slow, Tanner's hours were cut down to 32 instead of 40, he gets a day off every week. That extra money was gone. God is good and we had to adjust our budget, but we weren't/aren't hurting for money. We have enough to continue paying all of our bills, have plenty of grocery, restaurant, and gas money, and we still had some left to put in each of our pocket money, Halloween expenses, and some in our saving for our trip to Ohio for Thanksgiving.

For a while, I was distraught. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love seeing all the kids dressed up in their costumes and I love dressing up in a costume, decorating our trunk for trunk-or-treat, and giving out candy. I had a whole plan for what we were going to do this year. Unfortunately, adult costumes are expensive (WHY?!) and I was looking at spending 100+ dollars on the costumes, some trunk decor, a "costume" for our dog, and candy. With the news, that was no longer a possibility.

See, I lean toward the saver side. Thus, when we got some extra money in from loving people to which we are EXTREMELY grateful(!), Tanner said we should put it in our holiday fund and I KNEW he was right. I didn't argue. But I was still sad.

On the bright side, we think we can pull off something with things we already have AND still incorporate our puppy! We are still working out the kinks, and Tanner is still trying to get excited about Halloween. ;P I love him so very much, but this is a holiday we differ on. I get super excited, and he doesn't. But that perfectly okay. :) Pink and blue. Not wrong, just different. :)

Anywho, I got to thinking about the timing of this news that we had gotten. Tanner has been looking at going back to college, and we just got our emergency fund fully funded. It was as if it was the prefect time. Tanner wouldn't get stressed with having a full time job, teaching the youth on Wednesday Nights, AND going to school as he would have a day off. Our budget would be fine and if an emergency came up we would be prepared. On top of all that, one of our friends offered to pay Tanner to do some work at his house. Friends are awesome. :)

So, today I am thankful. I am thankful that we have money to pay for the things we need and some. I am thankful for the green pastures God leads us to. He is an amazing and loving God. I trust He will always lead us in the ways to go. God always gives us just enough. I am thankful for the friends God has put in our lives. Our lives have been enriched by them. We have been blessed immensely from our time so far at Riverside Church of Christ.

I'd like to encourage you to focus on the things you are thankful for today. Focus on the green pastures that God leads you to. He has your best interest in mind even if you can't quite see it yet.

"The Lord is my shepherd;
there is nothing I lack.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters."
~ Psalms 23:1-2

Post Anniversary Post

Yesterday marked three years of being married to my amazing husband. It really doesn't feel like it's been that long! It feels like I've known him forever (in a good way), but it also feel like we just started this journey yesterday. Being a Tuesday also made me have to remind myself it was our Anniversary! Though Tanner did go out of his way to make it special. :)

Instead of eating at work like he usually does, he met me at Pizza Artista. :) Then we went out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse and then SubZero (they make the ice cream while you're standing there! Apparently they were on Shark Tank.) for dessert.

Lunch date at Pizza Artistia

I know I have a very special man when he wants to take me out to a fancy dinner and splurge on me. :) I am so very thankful for him. God has really blessed me through Tanner and our marriage.

Happy 3rd Year Anniversary, babe. I love you so very much. I am looking forward to what the next year brings, ups, downs, and all. :)

Positivity Struggles

This past week has been met with many a thing. Tanner and I were glad it was finally the weekend and things looked bright! We spent the day playing video games and relaxing, but finally got stir-crazy enough that we decided we'd use that extra money left in July's budget (woot!) for restaurants to go out and get a snack since it was happy hour at Sonic.

There we decided finally get my car washed! I suggested we check out the family owned place that dries your car after it goes through the wash. We get there, pay for the wash in which they clean out the car. A few minutes after we had been inside, one of the guys comes in wondering whose red Pontiac they had. Tanner stood up and the guy said, "You have a flat tire."

This surprised us both. We hadn't heard anything, the tires didn't look flat at all when we got out. Suspiciously, Tanner went out and checked it out with them. Turns out my car got out of alignment and my two front tires were worn to the belt.

Thankfully, Tanner had the good jack in the back and he got the spare on the one that was flat so they could get it through the wash. My wonderful husband came back inside, frustrated, and told me what happened. My heart sunk. Tanner kept telling me it was a miracle that we had driven on it without anything happening for so long, but all I could think about was that we were going to need to buy two new tires (at least) and we were still working on getting our $1000 emergency fund back in place to complete Dave Ramsey's Baby Step 1 so we could move on to Baby Step 2 which is tackling our debt!

They finished my car and we went outside only to find new scratches on my car door. Both the passenger side, and the driver side.

Passenger door scratches.

Driver door scratch (gouge).

Unfortunately, we didn't see the extent until we got home and thus there was no point in going back. Tanner is also not completely sure they the scratches happened there. Add on to that the tires that could blow any minute if we drove on them.

I cried the whole way home. He was trying to stay positive and all I could do was cry because we were going to have to use our emergency fund once again. (We had to use most of it, since we had actually complete Baby Step 1, last month for Tanner's wisdom teeth removal. Though God provided there too so we had plenty to cover it and we got to pay in cash so we got the cash discount! :D )

It seemed hopeless. I felt as though we were never going to get to Baby Step 2 and we would always be stuck on Baby Step 1 thus we wouldn't get out non-mortgage debt paid off until 2027 or something crazy like that. It seemed Murphy's law had struck again. It seemed like Murphy was here to stay.

Sunday, I was still pretty down. As I got ready for church, my eye started to hurt. I tried all my usual tactics but I started to fear it was my contact. I refused to take them out, much to Tanner's displeasure, and we headed off to church. I suffered through the pain all through class and worship and our youth small group. We got home and Tanner had forgotten as I hadn't said anything for a while. SO, we sat and played video games until I said something about it hurting and he threatened to turn the game off if I didn't take them out.

Begrudgingly, I went upstairs and took the one that was hurting out first. Tanner came up with me, probably make sure I actually did it. :P

OH THE PAIN! Normally it hurts a little if I take out a contact that has been bothering me simply because the eye is irritated. But this! This was SO much worse! My eye watered and it was hard to keep it open! I told Tanner, "It feels like there is still something on my eye!"

I managed to pry it open and touch my eye where I felt something. I looked at my finger and there WAS something still in my eye! To me it looked like a piece of plastic, but Tanner informed me it was more likely some polyester or something.

In all that process, I realized that I had been wearing my last pair of contacts. It was time to order more. Another thing the emergency fund was going to have to cover since contacts are SO expensive and we hadn't planned for that expense. I was able to use what was left for July, as it would have gone into the fund anyway, so I didn't have to pull so much out.

Thus, for the last couple days I have been in a HUGE slump. I was having to wear my glasses so my eyes could heal (and if you know me, you know how much I HATE wearing glasses), we found out that my tire size is such a weird size that hardly anyone carries them in stock, we were looking  at the cost of buying the tires, getting them balanced and such, and then getting an alignment done; it was like the bad was never ending.

Tanner has been staying positive. He realizes the fact that it's not a big deal because we DO have the money we do set aside for these types of things. If we hadn't just gone through Financial Peace University, this would have devastated us and it would have had to go on one of the credit cards because we wouldn't have had the money. Tanner knows that we are going to be okay and that God is going to take care of us. He knows that as long as we stick to the plan, we will be back on track and tackling the debt in no time.

I know all of this to be true. I know that God is going to take care of us. However, I'm struggling to be grateful. I'm struggling to stay positive. I don't have my car to drive, we are having to carpool everyday in Tanner's truck (he drives to his work and then I drive to mine, then back to his work and he drives home), I was wearing my glasses (which of the two pairs I have, were the not a good pair since the lenses are apparently smaller, found that out last night), AND I couldn't eat anything yesterday because I had my medical exam thing for the life insurance I am getting. (Tanner had his done last week for his insurance.)

Today is a little better, though it started out rough due to my contacts being fuzzy while my eyes adjusted and waking up with the same headache I got in the middle of the night last night. I got some food in my stomach, and then coffee, my contacts cleared up and I'm okay. Yesterday, we got my contacts AND tires ordered! Tires will be here Monday and contacts on Thursday.

I'm slowly regaining my positivity. It's been a struggle though, and I'm not sure why. I guess I need to try and focus on the good. I need to focus on God... He is my comforter, I just have to truly believe it and seek Him.

Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. 

An Eventful 4th of July

This past weekend was July 4th. Tanner and I had planned to go to Dallas to visit my family and spend time with them there. Even had Monday off so we could spend some extra time with them! We were excited and it promised to be a great weekend.

Last week however, Tanner decided he really needed to go to the dentist as the taking of ibuprofen was getting out of hand. The tooth he had gotten a crown on didn't ever stop hurting in one way or another, whether it be sensitivity or just a slight pain. Also, his wisdom teeth were coming in weird and giving him issues. So, he made the appointment for Friday morning and our plans remained unchanged.

The appointment went well, minus the part when Tanner had to bite down on a piece of plastic with the crowned tooth which caused him intense pain. They told him he was going to need a root canal and his wisdom needed to be removed. Prices were better than other places, and we decided we would makes sure when would be a good time to schedule the next appointment and call them with a time and date. They also gave us a prescription for the pain and some antibiotics.

The rest of the day was uneventful and soon we were off to Dallas.

Oh what a ride it was.

Tanner was is so much pain and he was the one driving so he couldn't take the pain pill they had given him because it would make him drowsy. Six ibuprofen later and he was still in pain. We spent most of the car ride in silence. Note that the ride is five and a half hours long.

We FINALLY made it to Dallas, got the truck unpacked and Tanner was able to take his pain pill. He went to bed and I stayed up a little longer to wait for my sister to get home and to just talk with my parents. I expected Tanner to be passed out, but when I went back a couple hours later to go to bed, he was up brushing his teeth. He was still in pain. We went to bed and he tossed and turned, took more ibuprofen, and finally fell asleep at about 5:30 am.

Obviously, I didn't sleep well either. :P

One unhappy camper.

The next morning he seemed to be feeling a little better. However, it didn't last long. We had gone grocery shopping, and we were back at my parents cleaning the grill, cooking, playing with my little cousin, Collin, and we eventually went swimming. Tanner, despite how hard he tried, sat on the steps most of the time with his head in his hands. (My poor hubby. :( ) He found that keeping cold water on the tooth with the cap helped, but he had to keep it on there. On the plus side, he drank LOTS of water. :P

After we came inside from swimming to eat dinner, he got hit with pain that had him curled up on the bed with his hands on his head pleading for it to stop. It was awful. I got him some more water and went to eat. Mom and I then thought of the idea of an emergency dental place. I started looking some up on my phone but, being the 4th of July, it wasn't clear if they were open. Tanner's pain finally subsided and he came out to eat some steak. Mom called the emergency dental place, found out they had been taking patients (frustrating) and they would be open for an 11:30 am appointment the next day.

After church we run over to the dental place, they get us in, take more x-rays and give us the price to do a root canal. More expensive than our dentist, but we decided to do it anyway because Tanner was in SO much pain.

2 hours later and Tanner is a VERY happy man in NO pain! He even fell asleep a couple of times during the procedure! (He was way to exhausted and with out the pain there to keep him up he just passed out. :P )

The rest of the day was very happy and we were thankful to have an extra day to spend in Dallas with my family. The ride home was also MUCH more pleasant.

So our restful weekend turned out to be a very interesting one.

Moral of the story. If you need a root canal, in a tooth that has been hurting, get it done the same day! Also, don't wait a long time to get the tooth that shouldn't be sensitive anymore but still is checked out. Not a good idea.

AND, don't eat heath bar ice cream. That's what got us into this mess in the first place. Heath bar ice cream cracks teeth. Don't do it.

Hope y'all had a less eventful (unless the events were good!) 4th of July!

The Battlefeild

Last Friday I had a friend pray over me. She and I have been talking for a while about the struggles of life and the spiritual battlefield. She told me her story and she is helping me grow and understand more.

This weekend Tanner and I went on the youth group Beach Retreat. On our way there I was sitting there thinking and, for some reason, my mind wandered back to elementary school. I had this insane realization.

I was baptized just after I turned 8. I remember talking to my parents about it on the way to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and them offering to pull over and find some water right then. I remember telling them that I could wait until we attended church that Sunday (which ever one we decided to attend in Arkansas). I remember that day being so excited, not realizing when the invitation song was sung, and thus being very distraught when service was over. I remember my dad explaining it to me and going forward to the preacher anyway so that I could. I remember the smile on my face and my dad's strong and stead hand on my back. I remember my feet coming off the ground a little and how I mentally freaked out a little while I was under the water, scared I was going to fall. I remember all the hugs and the older ladies asking if I would like to partake in the Lord's Supper, them bringing it to me. I remember the love and the joy on that day.

Little did I know, I stepped prominently onto battlefield at the moment I came up from the water.

In the fall, I started 3rd grade at a new school. I sat by a girl who talked to me and became a friend. Unbeknownst to me, Satan would use that friendship against me. That year and the two after (3rd - 5th) were filled with torment. I was bullied and torn down. My grandpa got sick and died and I felt guilty that the last time I was at his house I threw up on his floor. And when I was sad because he was sick and I told my friend, she tried to one up me saying that she had bruises on her bottom from being whipped. I learned to keep my mouth shut because it felt like no one cared.

I left Elementary School wounded, scared, and guarded.

Time after time Satan used my friends to wound and scar me. I built up walls to guard my heart, determined to not get hurt again, yet desperately desired for someone to break past them and take care of my heart. I became shy, broken, and reserved.

I didn't realize that those walls would hinder my relationship with my mom, my dad, my sister, and ultimately my heavenly Father. 14 years later I am still battling those walls and the fear that came with those wounds. I struggle with letting people in. It is only by God's power that my wonderful husband, Tanner, made it past those walls.

This realization made my jaw drop and my eyes widen. For the first time, I saw the battlefield. I had this thought of wishing someone had taught me how to put on the armor of God instead of just about it.

So, this weekend I opened myself to God. I wanted to break the walls down, but I knew I needed his help. I knew it would only be through Him that I would find healing. During our time of silence the first day I mentally said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me."

That night, the speaker, Mark, invited us to once again take a breath and just listen. Again, I said mentally, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." I was sitting there just listening when I heard a not quite audible voice, but it was distinctly, "You are beautiful, my child." Tears shot to my eyes and I reeled mentally for a moment. Had I really heard something? Did I just make it up? But I remembered my friends story and how she had heard something before too. So, I accepted it, blinking back tears.

When Mark started talking, he showed pictures of a groom seeing his bride for the first time on their wedding day. He made the point that this is how God sees us. He is our groom and we are so beautiful to him. Of course, I started crying because it was so beautiful. (Though when he first started showing the pictures I had a brief moment of wishing I had the picture I thought I was getting of Tanner seeing me. And then I remembered what my mom had described and an image came into my head and I was really happy. Note: I couldn't see the whole way down the aisle due to my contacts.)

When Mark stopped talking, there was a silence to let everything soak in. So, I sat, lifted my head up to the sky, and once again said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't hear anything and so I just went into praise. "You are my God. You are my Savior, the Lover of my soul." In the middle of a praise, I was cut off. "I am here. I have always been here. Seek and you will find." Then I felt something. It was like arms were wrapped around me, but not just my body, my heart. I felt free and joyful. Tears streamed down my face. God was with me. He was here and he wasn't going to leave me. I wanted to hug anyone who got near even if I didn't know them (I didn't).

I also got this image in my head. At first I was kneeling down at His throne in Sparta like warrior garb. But then, it was like He lifted me up and I was as His side dressed in a white Grecian style dress with the floor-length style skirt, it was sleeveless but had thick, tank-top like, graceful sleeves. The top was silver in that it was like armor. I had on the classic tall, Roman, sandals. It was beautiful. I was not just a warrior, but a warrior princess.

I got to talk to Tanner about it and he said something along the lines of that God was showing me that He had been with me all along, through all of the hurt. Tanner held me as I cried some more, grieving the time I spent breaking God's heart in my search for healing as I built my walls, distancing myself and then wondering where He was.

Every morning, now, I try to make time to pray and listen. I make sure to arm myself, and every time I pray on the armor of God I see that image I did Saturday night, the warrior princess.

I pray that you will find peace in Him and that you will find your healing in Him. For God is with you and no one can be against you. God has already won the war.

Another Day, Another Lie.

Lately, I have been struggling with feeling like I really stink at relationships. I feel like I can't get close to anyone. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However, I do feel the GREAT need to have a best friend(s). I know I need to open up and I know I need to let people in.

I keep hearing, "No one really wants to know you. Why would they care? They don't want to have a deep relationship! Who does? You're too different. Too messed up. Let them know about your struggles? HA! They won't want anything to do with you if they knew. If you say anything about you're struggles or anything that could be negative about your life, you're not being a good wife. You're making your husband look bad. Weren't you told not to disrespect your husband? You wouldn't want to do that, right?"

 I am finding it hard to trust. I've been hurt so bad in my past that I don't know how to let someone in completely. I don't know how to fully open my heart to someone. Even with my husband sometimes! Granted, I have grown tremendously in the past two years; I still have a long way to go.

Tanner has been meeting with a men's bible study group and with a friend weekly. It's so amazing to see him grow and see the bonds he is creating. I long to have that. I know I need to have someone that I can do that with. Unfortunately, every time I go to consider who I might be able to form that kind of deep relationship with, I get an overwhelming feeling that no one will want that kind of relationship with me; no one would really want to talk to me.

Then the reminders of the pain and the past relationships that ended with my being back-stabbed, trampled on, and overall hurt time and time again.

I built up so many walls that even I don't know where they end anymore. I don't know how to trust someone other than God, my husband, and my parents and sister with my heart anymore. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have become so guarded that I carefully examine what I am going to say/expose to who and what they may do with it. This also only happens when I feel it is absolutely necessary.

God put a desire in me, however, to be with others who know me, who I can open up to and be vulnerable with. I have been relying on my family and Tanner to fill this desire, though the brunt falls on Tanner. I know this isn't fair to him. He can't be my husband and my "girlfriend." I know that God fills most of the desire, but He desires us to be in community with each other and thus the desire isn't completely filled.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know what have a "girlfriend" looks or feels like when it is a healthy relationship. My fear of being hurt again holds me back. My past looms over me, reminding me of all the other times I've tried and it failing. I can't hardly talk about it without choking up.

Recently, I told the girls in my small group about the last time I thought I had a good friend and how it ended in hurt and then said "friend" turning all but one of my supposed friends against me. I felt my voice break near the end. I didn't realize how sore a subject it still was, that the wound from that still hasn't healed.

It was HARD to tell them that story even though it was short and summarized into two sentences. I am so grateful to the other woman in that group and how she spoke to my wound in saying that none of the girls (or her) would do anything like that to me. I felt so loved and encouraged.

But the lies still remain. I am still hesitant to let them any deeper. I still hear Satan whispering in my ear.

"You're too much for them. You're too messy for them. If only they knew the rest. They would look at you with pity and disgust. They wouldn't want to talk to you again. You have nothing to offer them."

I know that God can heal all things. Through His power I can overcome this, but I'm not completely sure that I can do it without the help of another God-filled woman.

I pray that you don't hear these lies. If you do, I pray you may overcome them. I pray that you don't walk away from every conversation think that you are the most awkward person in the world as I do. And I hope that you will pray for me as I continue on this journey.

Keep on keeping on.

Writing Inspiration

Yesterday, as I was browsing Facebook, I came across a picture of Patricia Briggs New Book "Dead Heat" (coming March 3rd!) posted by Binge Reads with a message that said she would be answering questions that day in the comments! Needless to say, I got excited.

As I was looking through the amazing questions people were asking, I wondered what I would ask her. I saw another person ask about writing and, as an aspiring writer (sort of), I thought I would do the same! I always do get stuck somewhere in the middle because I'm not sure where to go.

SHE ANSWERED! (Excuse me while I "fangirl" for a minute.)

Here's the question and her answer:

• 

  Elisabeth Ellsworth How do you know where to go with the story? I always start a story and then get stuck because I don't know where it's going.
  
  HUGE fan! Can't wait for Dead Heat!!

  Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs · Edited
• 

  Pat Briggs Story begins: Character in a place with a problem.

  Unlike · 2 · 20 hrs
• 

  Pat Briggs Story continues: Character tries to solve the problem with the following possible results: solves problem only to learn that wasn't the real problem 2. Fails to solve problem, problem worsens. 3. Partially solves problem and has to go back to the drawing board.

  Unlike · 2 · 20 hrs
• 

  Pat Briggs Repeat last step at least twice (no more than four in a novel). Then conclusion.

  Unlike · 2 · 20 hrs
• 

  Pat Briggs This isn't the only way to write a story, but it gives you a hint on how to get over the middle doldrums where the introduction of characters, setting and problem is over and you know where you want to end it--but you don't know what to do with the middle three hundred pages.

  Unlike · 2 · 20 hrs
• 

  Pat Briggs Good luck!

  Unlike · 3 · 20 hrs

In light of this amazing author answering little-ol-me's question (and wishing me good luck! *fangirling*), I thought I might pick up writing again. What she said struck me. The story begins with a character in a place with a problem. However, my characters seem to get themselves into problems that I don't know how to solve. (Yes, my characters do come to life to some extent in my brain and they tell me their story. Apparently, much like Patricia Briggs!)
Thus, it seems my problem is not thinking about the problem thoroughly enough. Imagine that. :P Now the biggest problem: Do I start with completely new stories or do I try and figure out how to make the current ones, that I have been working on for years, work. To have all of that work be for nothing makes me a little sad. On the other hand, if they weren't really good stories to begin with and I can't find a way to get the characters out of their predicament and into a happy ending, why waste any more time on them?

Perhaps it is time to evaluate where I got the inspiration for those stories in the first place. Perhaps I just need to find inspiration for a new story. Maybe Tanner and I will look at the one he started and collaborate on that one. Maybe inspiration will strike and I will find a story that flows and has a solvable problem.

I know I can't force it, but when it does happen, I will take some of Patrica's advice to another aspiring writer and try and write at least two pages a day.

Thank you so much to Patricia Briggs for answering my question and inspiring me to try once again!

If you want to check out any of her books, go to www.patriciabriggs.com! I am in love with her Mercy Thompson series and Alpha Omega series! Did I mention that Dead Heat (Alpha and Omega series) is coming out on March 3rd? Because it is! YAY!

Keep on keeping on!