Fear of Being Nothing More

I am desperate. Desperate for a job that doesn't require my Saturdays, doesn't seem to erupt into chaos everyday or stench of tension. One that allows me to eat healthier than I have been. Perhaps a desk job. Something quiet and requires my organizational skills. Something creative and fun.

So, I do what anyone else would do and search. But then the fear sets in.

I don't have a lot of experience in the office work place. Most of my experience has been at a Pizza Place and a fast-food restaurant. I did work at a law firm, but for a short period of time.

What if I am doomed to be nothing more than a food worker? What if that is the only job I can ever get? What if the only way out is through becoming a mother when I can get a job watching someone else's children along with mine?

I fear I can't become anything more.

The depression hits as the desperation escalates. It's a never ending cycle of  desperation to depression and back again. Trying to claw my way out of the hole of food service. Feeling as though that very hole I have dug myself is doomed to be my grave.

"Elisabeth Ellsworth: Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Food Service Employee."

What if none of my dreams become reality? What if I can never be the stay-at-home mother I always saw myself becoming? What if I can't be the mother I want to be because I'm still stuck at fast food job? What if my kids grow to resent me because I can't be at their games, or plays, or other events because I work Saturday's? What if...?

How do I make it stop?! How do I get out?!

"God, please help me find a way out..."

Keep on...

Do you understand? I didn't think so.

So, I have been grounded for over a month now. I know that from a punishment one is supposed to learn something. The thing that everyone fails to see is that I have learned from it. Yes, I did over use and miss use my phone. Yes, I did over use my computer. Yes, I did miss use my car. And I learned from that. I won't text on my phone all the time. I won't expect to be able to use my car all the time. I won't spend all day on the computer. But no one believes me. How I know? Because I've stated this and I still only have my itouch.

I am out of ideas. I am losing hope. And I don't know what else to do. This may sound grave and depressing, but is because that's just how it is... And how it has been lately. I can't write my stories. I can't take my sister out for snowcones. I can't see my boyfriend...

If they gave me any idea of how in the world I could get my phone and computer and car back, this may have been a different blog post altogether. Unfortunately, I have gotten absolutely none of that. Thus, this is how it is.