Day 11 of Who Knows How Long...

It's day 11 of the Stay-at-Home order here in Louisiana. There is something psychological that happened when this order hit. Though my life didn't change very much, already being at home most of the time anyway, the thought that I shouldn't go anywhere or invite anyone over made me a little crazy. All of the things I would have done, all of the events that were canceled, not being to go to the church building on Sunday and fellowship with my church family in person, having to really plan what to get at the store and when to avoid all the insanity; it all just boggles my mind a little. And in short, it makes me SO SAD.

I'm sad for my sister who didn't get to go back to Harding after Spring Break and show off her engagement ring and do all the fun things that go with that. I'm sad that she won't get to be Piper Meredith again because everything got canceled. I'm sad that her graduation that she worked so hard for was pushed to August.

I'm sad for all the seniors in High School who are missing all the fun things that come right before graduation.

I'm sad for all the kids who will be moving to different schools next year and are missing these last few weeks with the friends at their current school.

I'm sad that the Women's Retreat was postponed until January. I'm sad that the Youth Beach Retreat was canceled.

I'm sad that people are losing their jobs. I'm sad that people are trying to figure out how to work from home and home school their kids at the same time. I'm sad that hours are being cut and people are suffering.

Y'all. I'm SAD.

However, it's okay to be sad. And while God is sovereign over everything (EVEN COVID-19), there is a period of mourning that is allowed to happen. We NEED to mourn the things that we are missing out on. To try and move on without acknowledging the grief of all that we were looking forward to would truly be insanity.

So, if you're at home and you're not being as productive as you could be. It's okay. If you're just sad and want to sit on the couch and binge watch shows. It's okay. Take the time to mourn. Take the time to grieve the loss.

But whatever you do, DON'T STAY THERE. Grieve and let God heal you, then get back up and LIVE. We may not be able to do all the things we want to, but there are lots of things we can do. Pick up that to do list of things you keep putting off because you never have time. Call a friend. Video chat with a friend! Take a walk outside. Have a picnic outside. Enjoy the time you now have with your family.

In all things, PRAISE GOD for he is GOOD.

Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

New city, new home, and a husband!

Yesterday, I moved got into Lafayette, Louisiana, my new home. I married the man I'd always wanted this past Saturday and had an amazing honeymoon out in a cabin amongst nothing but trees outside of Nacogdoches, Texas. It was absolutely amazing. I couldn't be happier. :)

Mom and Dad and Meredith visited us a little when they generously brought Tanner's car to Nacogdoches after filling it with all our stuff. My family is awesome! Both sides. He he! :) Both my parents and his parents have done so much for Tanner and I that I just can't thank them enough. I can't wait to see them all again when we have our Ohio reception for all of his friends and family that couldn't make it to Texas.

As for the condo, well, it's a work in progress. Ha ha! I've just about got everything in the kitchen and that room all organized. Most of the trash is gone from our room. Ha ha! I give Tanner a hard time, but it's not terrible. The closet is a little hard to deal with as the door are three sliding doors, so you can only see a small portion at once. (I think I'm going to have Tanner take at least one of them down.)

I took Tanner lunch at his work and then just spent some time chilling and watching him work. He's working late today, so that helped. It also got me out of the house so I didn't have to think about the chaos of all my stuff I have to unpack. Ugh.

I need to organize the bathroom.. There so much random stuff under the sink. Gotta love men. :) Course it doesn't help that there aren't any drawers. Not set up the best. Oh well. It's a nice condo and I am grateful for it. :) I just have to figure out where to put everything. :P

I can honestly not tell you how happy I am! Despite all the cleaning and organizing and unpacking and craziness. I am so extremely happy! There aren't even words to describe how happy I am! Ah! Now, if Tanner would just get home. :P Ha ha!

Keep on keeping on! :)

Observations of the day...

Well, I've been back home for over a week now. Cris came in the night of the 23rd. I didn't see him on Christmas and he left today. Christmas was fun and I got a lot of things I had been hoping to get. I got to see my best friends on Sunday, which was exciting, along with Cris. I spent most of Sunday and a few hours today with him.

The first time he left for Lubbock, I cried my eyes out for a good while. The second time I did the same. The third he left from visiting me at college and I cried for a bit. The fourth we went in opposite directions from here and I tried not to let my friend in the passenger seat see me cry. The fifth, I cried but tried to distract myself with my music. The sixth, I didn't cry much. But today, I am sad, but I have no urge to cry. Maybe this is getting easier. Maybe it's that I know I'll see him again in about 3 days instead of weeks on end. Whatever it is, I'm glad I'm not crying. I miss him like crazy, this is true, but I know that I'll see him soon and that he loves me immensely.

<3

Home?

When I first got here, I never thought that I would feel at home in my dorm. But I do now. And yet, I don't. It's home... yet, it's not. I miss Dallas. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my family, though not the occasional drama. I miss knowing where I am all the time and the easy access to my bank and my money. I miss Saturn Road. I miss TEXAS! I miss the restaurants and foods that are in texas and not here. I miss having good food all of the time instead of caf food, which is only occasionally good. I miss home. And I am counting down the days until I go home on the 15th.

There are days, like today, when I try not to cry... try to keep it together... because I miss so many things. I know this is my home away from home, but it's hard to be away from so many people you love. There are times when I am surrounded by people, yet I feel completely alone. I want to be held, be hugged, be comforted... but the only person that can really do that, at this point in my life, is 12 freaking hours away! Well, the only other person is in Washington... I won't be seeing him until, hopefully, January.

Yeah.. I skype him, and we talk... but it's not the same as when you are in person and he can wrap his arms around my shoulders and tell me everything is okay while I cry into his chest. I can't do that through a video... and right now, that is what I really need. I love him to death and he has this way of comforting me that makes everything seem so much better. I miss him... :/

12 days... I don't know if I can wait that long...