Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Wolf

It's Thanksgiving break and I have been home for four days now. Two of which have been filled with the annual stress of cleaning the entire house so it is "presentable" to the whole "clan." However, this is the first year that my sister is a "real" teenager. So, on top of the regular stress of cleaning, she is doing the teen thing. Which includes, but is not limited to: mood swings, occasional ADD, rebelious tendencies, some lazyness, sassyness, criticalness, ect.

Well, you add all that together and you get one frustrated, and slightly angered, me. My wolf doesn't like it. When I get like that I can feel her trying to get to the surface to "protect" me (in a sense). It takes a lot to calm her down and to rein her back in. It takes a lot to calm myself down. The problem is, the thing I really need to do is punch something, or the more practical solution, go for a run. Unfortunately, neither one of those are possible. So, I am stuck with trying to rein her in while doing nothing.

I am so afraid that one day I am just going to snap. And when that happens she will have full control. I have a feeling that if that happenes I won't be able to regain control until she is tired, satisfied, or enough of either or both that I can gain control. It wouldn't be pretty and it would end in disaster. She is usually very calm, but in situations like these, snapping is a possibility because she is distressed and uneasy.

I can feel her inside of me. She is antsy and unsatisfied. It's not good. If I can, I think I'll try to go for a run tomorrow. But for now, all I can do is close my eyes and think peaceful and calm thoughts and hope that is enough. She is begging for control, but I can't give it to her. Not until I am running. She doesn't like being confined and not being able to be let out... especially in times like these... when she is so disturbed. But there isn't anything I can do. Not right now. She and I just have to wait until tomorrow... just until tomorrow...