Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

It's Back to School...

I'm going back to school. I'm thinking a business degree with a minor in photography or something. I bought a digital photography class off Groupon that I will start after my last day at Chick-fil-a and start college classes in the Fall. I've put the request in for my transcript from Harding, scoped out the community college here in Lafayette, scoped out what kinds of classes I will probably need, but here's where I get stuck. I don't even know where to start when it comes to financial aid.

There is also the part of me that wonders why I am even doing this, other than it was the catch in being able to quit my job. Everyone talks about how they loved college and they wish they could go back. My experience wasn't so great. I hated school. The homework, the classes, the stress of keeping grades where they need to be; it was the bane of my existence. My year at college is not one I look back on fondly. Granted I was dealing with a lot of pressure to make all A's, a boyfriend who slowly stopped talking to me, being drawn to drama queens as friends, and the loss of my car for not having higher grades. I remember feeling so alone. I was depressed. No matter how I tried to deny it. (More on that in my earlier blog What was Unknown is Now Blatantly Apparent.)

This time around, however, I have a loving husband who has already committed to helping me with any homework, a new sense of self, a firmer faith in God, and no desperation for friends who like me. Maybe this time I'll actually like college. I'm still nervous that I won't do well or that I'm picking the wrong degree, however. I guess we'll find out.

I am looking forward to cooking more again though! More home-cooked food for my wonderful husband! I'm already thinking about the things I'm going to make and how I'm going to organize the meals each week so I know what to buy for groceries. I'm thinking white rice and beef stroganoff, taco soup, homemade pizza, maybe some steak with mashed potatoes and peas, experiments with desserts; so many ideas! As well as my house being cleaner, even though I'm not really looking forward to cleaning. Cleaning is better than working at Chick-fil-a! Don't get me wrong, I love Chick-fil-a, but the one I am working out is going through some changes and so everything is just in chaos as far as working there. Of course, it doesn't help that my knee is giving me some real trouble. It's kind of a wake-up call when your knee hurts for a month and then it swells up and stays that way for (going on) two days. It is time for a change.

It looks like I am about to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter that hopefully is finished before a bigger chapter comes! I look forward to be a mom, but I'm not quite ready for that yet!

Keep on keeping on!

The Joys of House Searching...

As some of you already know, my husband and I are searching for a house. We are already paying 700 a month, so why not get a place we could call our own? Plus, then we would have our parking and we wouldn't be able to hear through the walls. (Ugh.) Thus, the search began. Unfortunately, it has become increasingly difficult. We don't have a very large budget and the houses here are way overpriced. So, finding what we want in the price range we are comfortable with is difficult in of itself.

We found a couple houses that we liked, but both of them recently went pending, meaning someone is in the process of buying it. We were going to look at houses yesterday, but our realtor texted me because she got rear-ended! It was terrible! I felt so bad for her and I'm praying that she is okay!

So, here I am today, feeling like perhaps I've hit a wall. I've been asking myself, "Is this a sign that we aren't supposed to move right now? Should I just stop looking?"

It doesn't help that we were tight on money there for a week and I'm still feeling the weight of that. It's that feeling of not being able to buy anything because we can't afford it. I look at the people around us and wonder how they got to where they are and when we will get there! I'm trying to do everything that I can, but sometimes it feels like no matter what we do, it's not enough.

I know that I need to just lean heavily on God and give everything to Him. He knows what is best and when I have completely relied on Him, things turn out for the better. Perhaps I have just been lacking in that area recently. It's a lot easier to say "Give it all to God" than it is to do. Maybe that's my problem. I know I should, but maybe I'm just not doing it.

I need to stop worrying about money and the house search and everything that has to do with my "new business". (I became an Independent Scentsy Consultant back on the 18th! Which I am super excited about!) Perhaps if I just let everything go and have complete faith that God will take care of everything, things will start falling into place. I'm 100% sure I'll feel better.

It's just so hard to stop worrying...

God is in control. He has a plan. I have got to rely upon Him. God is good all the time.

Keep on keeping on. <3

The stress that comes from being a Senior.

Grades, parents, church stuff, tests, cars, homework - AH!! All of it seems to pile up! And on top of all of that, thinking about the future and my writing that I want to turn into a carreer! And then I have allergies or something at the moment, so I'm coughing and my nose is all stuffed up and, well, it's just bad.

At any rate, I (thankfully) finished my senior board for church last night. One more thing crossed off the ever growing list. And then my dad was starting to go all crazy on me last night. And then I toss and turn last night with strange dreams hautning me once again. #v.v Oy. Hopefully things will calm down over the next few days.

In other news, our theater teacher has decided on doing a musical that is a combination of many broadway musicals. I think it will be fun and I'm thinking about trying out. Unfortunately, the tryouts are today and monday and I just found out yesterday. Then there is my nasal condition at the moment that is making me a little reluctant. Plus, I'd have to come up with a song to sing and have it ready to perform by Monday. O.o At least I'm thinking about it anyway.

Well, that is really all I have to say at the moment... Perhaps, if I have anything, I'll post tomorrow.

Later.

Ah... Blogs...

I have always wanted to blog... but could never find anything worth writing in one. I've had a few before... mostly on other sites and all ended in epic failure. So, I going to attempt this again.

As my family and friends know, I want to become an author. So, I figured I can use this as something to help my writing skills and perhaps post a few of my works on here. Probably not my stories, perhaps the short ones, but poems, thoughts, or other writings.

At any rate, I hope this goes well.

So long for now,

Elisabeth