Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Exhausted

I have the best job in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is really the best.

It's also the hardest job in the world.

There are no words of wisdom or warnings or anything that could have prepared me enough for this job. Especially now that my wonderful 9 (closer to 10! 😭 ) month old is crawling and pulling up on everything. And trust me when I say, I was warned and I believed all the warnings.

My job is the most rewarding and the most exhausting. Because it's not just about raising her, and keeping her fed, and changed, and bathed, and healthy, and out of trouble, and alive. Nope. It also means that I am the manger of the house. Which means keeping the house clean (and hopefully company ready), doing the dishes, doing the laundry (and putting it away), doing the budget and paying the bills and managing our finances (because I'm the nerd and it's just what I do), making dinner, planning meals, grocery shopping, keeping the calendar (again.. I just like to be organized and make sure we don't double book or anything), and organizing the house. Then, of course, I have to take care of myself! Which means, making sure I eat (healthy), getting some exercise in, and making sure to take a shower hopefully once a day, and try to squeeze in some me time so I don't go completely insane. By the end of the day, I don't want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch something or read a book.

And as an insight, as I write this, I still haven't gotten my exercise or shower in.. so I'm still in my workout clothes..

And let me tell you. There is nothing like a small child to open your eyes to the mess and chaos of your home. It doesn't matter if you have hardwood (or a look-a-like), tile, concrete, or carpet; your floors are dirty. SO dirty. I am struggling to even wrap my brain around how to get my floors clean so I don't have to wipe her little hands and feet off all the time. Because I can't just vacuum them.. No.. That would be too easy. With my downstairs (which is where we are 99.99% of the time), we have vinyl that looks like hardwood. (I struggle to see why it's such a fad..) So, not only do I have to vacuum or sweep the floors, I have to mop them as well! Add all of her toys and such that I need to pick up or do something with before I clean the floors and my brain just spazzes out.
(Seriously.. give me carpet any day over these floors.. not to mention, carpet is softer to fall on. 😛 Though I do understand them in the eating, bathroom, and kitchen areas.)

It doesn't stop at the floors either! They learn to pull up, and you realize even more that the nicely organized shelves are no longer safe for.. well.. anything. So, now you need to find a new place in your home or buy new furniture so you have a safe place for the things in those now easy to reach places. For example. I have craft shelves with gel pens and cards and such. There is currently and obstacle in front of these, yet my dear Eden has still managed to find a way to try and grab them. So, I'm shopping storage furniture as there isn't another good place for these things.

It's enough to make one dizzy or go mad. And I'm exhausted.

This is where I take a deep breath.

Because I'm not doing all of this completely alone. I have a wonderful husband who works daily to bring home paychecks to make this all possible. I couldn't be home with our baby girl if it wasn't for him. He's the best.

I have friends and family that are willing to help if only I'd reach out to them and ask. (I'm really bad at asking...)

And most importantly, I have God on my side. He is the giver of life and peace and the great provider. He is mighty!

So, if you read this and can empathize with my plight. If you can relate on so many levels. If it sounds like exactly what you're going through as well. First of all, you're amazing! Remember that you are loved and that you have the almighty God on your side. He will lift you up and walk right beside you. Reach out to your family and friends when you are feeling overwhelmed and in over your head. (I know I need to.) You're not alone. We are better together.

And if you have any helpful suggestions on any of my predicaments, seriously, leave a comment! Shoot me a message! Find a way to let me know! Because I'm all ears! 99% of the time, you know something that I would never have thought of in a million years. So, thank you in advance!

To all of my exhausted parent friends out there, you got this. Keep on keeping on.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this Sunday, May 12th. This year will be my 2nd Mother's Day. I know what you're thinking. "Isn't your daughter only 7 months old?" You are correct. But here is how I see it. Last year I was 19 weeks pregnant, and just 9 days shy of finding out if the life growing in my womb was a boy or a girl. Thus, last year was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I can hear the skepticism and the "Well, sure, technically, I guess."

But here's the thing. A pregnant woman is called an expecting mother. And if we all agree that life starts at the point of conception, then a pregnant woman is carrying her baby. Yes, said baby hasn't been born into the world. Yes, you can't hold said baby in your arms. But that life is still a BABY. Thus, making the woman carrying said baby a mother.

If we limit Mother's Day to only include those who can hold their children, we are doing a disservice to many people. We exclude those who are expecting, those who lost their child before birth, and those who lost their child anytime after birth. How cruel is that?! Not only is this demeaning and demoralizing to the mother, but it harbors the mentality that the being growing in her womb isn't a child. We have got to change this mindset.

So, to all of you who are expecting or have lost a child, Happy Mother's Day. Own this day.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL you moms out there.

(P.S. This goes for fathers next month on Father's Day too.)

My Little Eden

Dear Eden,

Right now, a month ago today, you were born and placed into my arms. I cried when I held you. You were so beautiful. My heart burst at that moment and it hasn't stopped. Each day you've grown more beautiful, and each day my love for you has grown. Your father and I love you so much! I love being your mom. You are also loved SO immensely by your whole family and our church family. They couldn't wait to meet you and you were immediately adored.

You're growing so fast! Last week you were 10 pounds 3 ounces! You're 3 ounces shy of having gained 2 whole pounds! You're also getting so good at lifting your head up, and you give the best after bottle cuddles. I am absolutely loving watching you grow. You're coos are just the cutest and you're smiling more and more every day. You have so many expressions. I often find myself wondering what you are thinking or dreaming.

I thank God for you, Eden. I hope that you feel all of the love that we have for you. Though it is insignificant compared to the love God has for you. Never forget just how much you are loved by Him, or by us. (I know there will be times in your life when it doesn't seem like it because we are just being "so unfair", but even then, we love you with all of our heart.)

Love Always,

Your Mom 🖤

The 2018 Whirlwind Roller Coaster

I've probably said it a million times and I'll probably say it a million times more.. Time FLIES!

This year has just been a whirlwind so far. And it pretty much all started in February when Tanner found out that I was carrying our first child. ^_^ We are so excited! Since then it's just been crazy town! (And I'm not talking about my emotions. :P )

Of course we hit a bump in the road early on.. we found out I was pregnant on a Monday morning, and Friday evening we found ourselves in the emergency room. Apparently, I had a pocket of blood near/in the placenta and it was draining. Thankfully, the doctor told me it was completely normal and that most women have them and never know they do as they don't always drain. They did an ultrasound and baby was right on track and all was well.

This Thursday will mark 25 weeks of pregnancy! We found out about a month ago, that our baby is a little girl. We are SO excited! Eden is already so very loved and cherished, and we can't wait to hold her in October. ^_^

In between all of this was the women's retreat, preparing for camp next week, my 26th birthday was this past Friday, we had our gender reveal party the weekend before that.. it's been a wild roller coaster!

But in it all, Tanner and I hold strong to God and know that he is with us and is providing for us. He is taking care of us and our beautiful baby girl. All is in his timing and his timing is wonderfully perfect.

I hope that whatever ride life has you on, that you hold fast to the one who made you, the one who knows every detail about you and loves you more than we can comprehend. He will take care of you and provide for all your needs. All you need is to trust him, lean on him, and know that his timing is perfect.