Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

To the Bride and the Groom...

Over a month ago (August 2nd) I was the Matron of Honor at my sister, Meredith's, wedding. She was gorgeous. I teared up... a lot. Nonetheless, I am over the moon happy for her and Joseph. Being the Matron of Honor, I had the pleasure of making a speech during their reception. To make sure we always have it, I thought I would post it here. Granted, it didn't come out EXACTLY like this, but it's mostly the same.

So, to the bride and the groom: I love you both so much. 💗


     Good evening, everyone! Thank you all for coming to celebrate the union of Joseph and Meredith. Thank you to Neal and Melanie and Paul and Julie for both raising wonderful people and making the vision of this day that they had come true. And a thank you for all of those who helped decorate and make this event the best it could be.

     For those who may not know, my name is Elisabeth and I’m Meredith’s big sister.

     I was 5 when she was born and only slightly disappointed that she wasn’t immediately the playmate I had envisioned. When she was old enough, we had many a good time building massive forts in our room or the living room, watching movies together (sometimes on repeat), decorating the Christmas Tree, pretending we were mermaids in the pool, and telling our own stories with Barbies. Though when I became an angsty teen, there was more of an Anna and Elsa feel in the summers… Meredith would knock on my door, most of the time with a towel in hand, and ask if I wanted to go swimming. Most of the time she was met with a resounding “No” from underneath the covers.

     But that is Meredith. Bold, persistent, and extroverted. Unafraid to speak her mind and irritated that a lot of times she had to help her shy older sister find the restroom. Even though our personalities are practically polar opposites, I am insanely proud to call her my sister. Watching her grow into the beautiful woman she has become has been one of my greatest joys.

     Despite growing up in close proximity at Saturn Road, Meredith and Joseph didn’t get to know each other until the summer before her last year at Harding while she was a Children’s Ministry intern. I knew he was the one for Meredith when she told me how he was determined to spend every weekend possible with her once she was back at Harding and that he called her almost every night. His persistence rivaled even hers. He was sweet and thoughtful. He put together some of her furniture for her room and was always looking for ways to help her and spend time with her.

     Joseph makes Meredith more confident. He lends her his strength when she needs it. He is kind and compassionate. He is fantastic with kids. He loves deeply. He is honorable. He is gentle. He loves God and he loves my sister with all of his heart. While I, regretfully, don’t have many memories with Joseph, I know that we have many great memories ahead of us. I couldn’t ask for a better brother-in-law.

     Meredith and Joseph, I love you both and wish you martial bliss. I can tell you from personal experience that not every moment will feel happily ever after. But if you keep God first, keep your eyes focused on him, and lean only on him to fulfill all your needs, the two of you can overcome any obstacle.

     Here is to the new Mr. and Mrs. Burnam! May your love for each other grow more and more every day.

~

Also, my baby girl was a flower girl and was just too cute!! 😍😍

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.
If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)
I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Another New Chapter

On October 5th, 2018, a new chapter of my life started; the chapter titled "Mom".

On November 30th, 2018, I opened a sub-chapter: "Working Mom".

As of February 1st, 2019, I start yet another new sub-chapter: "Stay at Home Mom".

Honestly, it's a lot of changes in such a short amount of time! I LOVE being Eden's mom, and I am very excited to be able to give her my full attention every day. (Not to mention, the house will be in better shape and we might actually get to have people over! :P ) But there is a part of me that is grieving a little.

I've been the Office Manager at Riverside for the past 4 years. FOUR YEARS! It's the longest I've ever held a job and I have loved it. So, leaving it, without moving or anything, has been a harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. I know that the decision to stay home with my baby girl is the absolute best decision, and I will never regret it. She is the most important and the very best job I will ever have. I just find myself needing to grieve end of my Office Manager chapter.

Being that my personality is what it is (a social enneagram 4 with a 5 wing for those of you who know the enneagram), I struggle with the concept of identity. So for the past four years, Office Manager at Riverside Church of Christ has just been such a large part of my identity that I'm struggling a little to make the shift of it no longer being part of my identity at all. I find myself wondering who I am (besides Tanner's wife and Eden's mother), and where I fit in the world now.

On the other hand, I feel shame for feeling the need to grieve. Like I said earlier, being home with Eden and being able to give her my full attention all day is the best thing I will ever do. It's the best decision I will ever make. Being her mom is the most important job I will ever have. So, I find myself feeling like I shouldn't be sad at all that I am leaving my job at Riverside. I should be only ecstatic that I get to be home with my little girl!

I think it's that I really didn't expect to feel sad. I didn't expect to need to grieve. I thought that I would only be excited to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So this sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been suffocating under it's weight, trying to reconcile the feeling ever since.

The new Office Manager is going to do a fantastic job. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God planned this all out perfectly. There is no other way to explain it all. I just have to come to terms with these feelings, grieve the ending of one chapter and celebrate the beginning of a new one. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve the ending of a chapter. As long as I don't forget to celebrate the beginning of the new one. Because the last chapter was a wonderful chapter, and this new one is going to be a GREAT chapter.

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Immense Love

I was always told that there was nothing like a parent's love. I knew it was true, but I was never able to fully grasp it.

I married Tanner 6 years ago. I love him with all my heart! My love grew for him every day we have been married (and still does). I couldn't imagine loving anyone with more intensity than I loved him. Eden proved me wrong.

I still love and adore my husband. He is the BEST. But when I look at our daughter, our Eden... my heart literally feels like it is simultaneously melting and exploding! There was no way to fully understand the love a parent feels until you are one, holding your child in your arms. There really is nothing like it. And, to be honest, it wasn't until she was in my arms that the love I had for her fully manifested.

Of course I loved Eden while she was in my womb. I whispered that I loved her to my growing belly frequently. My heart grew when she wiggled and kicked and when we saw all her movements during the ultrasound. But when she was put into my arms, when the little person growing inside me was suddenly in my arms, it was like my heart burst. She was here. She was alive in my arms, looking at me with sweet newborn eyes. There was a nurse by me tending to her, Tanner was next to me as soon as he cut the cord, but all I saw was her. All I felt was her delicate skin against mine. It was love as I'd never felt it before. Due to all that went on, I still didn't grasp the magnitude of it until a few days later, when I wasn't fogged by pain meds or in a completely sleep deprived state (thanks to my parents for letting us get some much needed sleep 💗). Still to this day, I'll look at her and feel my love for her grow exponentially.

How much greater is God's love for us! He is our heavenly Father! He MADE us! He knows WAY more about me than I know about my daughter. Being Eden's mother has given me just a GLIMPSE of the immense love He has for me. I mean.. wow. There really is NOTHING like the love of a parent. And there is certainly NOTHING like the love of God. He IS love. Just wow. 💛

Monday, November 5, 2018

My Little Eden

Dear Eden,

Right now, a month ago today, you were born and placed into my arms. I cried when I held you. You were so beautiful. My heart burst at that moment and it hasn't stopped. Each day you've grown more beautiful, and each day my love for you has grown. Your father and I love you so much! I love being your mom. You are also loved SO immensely by your whole family and our church family. They couldn't wait to meet you and you were immediately adored.

You're growing so fast! Last week you were 10 pounds 3 ounces! You're 3 ounces shy of having gained 2 whole pounds! You're also getting so good at lifting your head up, and you give the best after bottle cuddles. I am absolutely loving watching you grow. You're coos are just the cutest and you're smiling more and more every day. You have so many expressions. I often find myself wondering what you are thinking or dreaming.

I thank God for you, Eden. I hope that you feel all of the love that we have for you. Though it is insignificant compared to the love God has for you. Never forget just how much you are loved by Him, or by us. (I know there will be times in your life when it doesn't seem like it because we are just being "so unfair", but even then, we love you with all of our heart.)

Love Always,
Your Mom 🖤

Friday, November 3, 2017

Follow Your Passion

Finding your passion can be hard. As much as I want to say that I was always told to follow my passion as a kid, that wasn't the case. I'm an artsy person so I liked singing and acting and photography and painting. When I was in high school and trying to figure out a career I would be interested in pursuing, it became hard to nail down. I thought about all of the things I was interested in, but the message I seemed to be getting was "Those career paths aren't going to make you any money. Pick something else."

I recently passed by the local seasonal garden shop and I wondered how they decided that's what they wanted to do. It got me thinking about my sister in law when she was in high school. Where she grew up, she had a chance to go to a vocational school for her junior and senior year. When she thought about what she would pursue there, she contemplated being a gardener. I remember so clearly that her family, much like my own, steered her away from that passion questioning what she would do with that kind of degree. In the end, she followed her passion in baking and she became a chef. I am very proud of her decision to be a chef as she seems to really love it.

This all leads to the question of how does one find and actually pursue their passion? I still haven't really found that one thing that I love. I still love writing and I love painting and I love singing, and I like taking pictures. Still I don't see a career in any of those things for me. (I still love my job as the Office Manager at Riverside. I wouldn't change it for the world.)

Part of me wonders what my life would have turned out like if I had been encouraged to follow any of my passions despite how much that career would make me. Would I have pursued more roles in the plays at school? Would I have tried for a music major or a theater major? Would I have pursued a communications major when I found that I really enjoyed my speech class? Would the difference in classed made me enjoy college more and made me stay? What would I be doing with my life now? Would I have found my niche? Would I have found the thing that really makes me think, "THIS! This is where I belong and what I was always meant to do!" Would I still struggle with "creative stir craziness"?

In no way am I discontent with my life now. I know God lead me here and here is where I am meant to be. And as I said before, I LOVE my job. I don't know of any other job I would want. (Other than one day being a mother, of course.) I just wonder sometimes.

I hope that you will follow your passion no matter what it is or where it leads. I hope that you will find your strengths and lean on them, see where they take you. I hope that you will not let the fear of needing a career that makes a lot of money take you away from pursuing what you love. God will always provide what you need when you need it. Don't be afraid to pursue your passion.

Find what you love and, most of the time, your job won't seem like work.

Never stop dreaming,
Elisabeth

Sunday, May 14, 2017

An Open Letter to My Mother

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you for raising Meredith and me to trust God.
Thank you for teaching us to be honest and seek the truth.
Thank you for showing us how to be a strong, independent women while still being a woman of God and a wife who honors her husband.
Thank you for demonstrating how to praise my husband.
Thank you for taking us on vacations to so many places and showing me the beauty of God's creation and the history all around us.
Thank you for going to work everyday.
Thank you for giving Meredith and me massive and creative birthday parties that celebrated each of us individually.
Thank you for making me and Meredith get along and helping us realize we only have one sister.
Thank you being an amazing role model.
Thank you loving us both even though we weren't expected and didn't fit into the plan you and Dad had decided on.
Thank you doing your best to always put us first.
Thank you for showing us what love means.
Thank you for kissing us good morning before you left for work and leaving a lipstick kiss on our face so we knew you had.
Thank you for coming to our plays and concerts and encouraging us in our endeavors.
Thank you for teaching us to love and care for others.
Thank you for living your life for God and demonstrating to us the importance of giving Him our lives.
Thank you for all the cuddles, laughs, and lessons.
Thank you for all your support and encouragement.
Thank you for pushing us to be the best we can be.
Thank you for all that you have done and all that you are doing.

Thank you for being my mommy. I love you more than I can express and I wish I could be with you to celebrate you today.

Happy Mother's Day.

Your Daughter,

Elisabeth <3
Easter 2014

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Warrior Princess


At our women's retreat this weekend, our theme was all the King's Daughters. We were reminded about how we are chosen and redeemed, what our identity is in Christ, and the 5 crowns promised to us. I was asked to pose another truth that I would like to share with you in this format as well.

We are not just Princesses who sit in a castle and wave to the adoring people below wearing our frilly pink dresses. No. For one, being royalty means a Princess is always on. People look to her constantly as an example. Enemies are watching for the smallest sign of weakness. We are Princesses under constant scrutiny, yes. But that is not all we are. We are warriors. 

Typically when we think warrior we a man in armor ready for war on a battlefield. However, women are called to be warriors as well. In fact, there is a need for us to become warriors. Because of our status as daughters of God, we are a target. Satan wants to destroy us because we are God’s poema, his masterpiece and we are so loved by Him. We are part of an epic battle. But Satan doesn’t want us to recognize that there even is a battle. The enemy knows your name and knows your potential. He has an irreconcilable hostility for you. No one launches a large scale, systematic attack against something that is not considered a threat.

Every one of us has been attacked in one way or another. The approach taken looks different for every person. But his end goal is the same for each of us; that we are distracted from who we really are and what the purpose of our life truly is. It is his objective to lure us off the path of strength, life, and authority and onto a course of intentional destruction. More often than not, you will encounter the greatest resistance when you intentionally decide to follow God. If you think about it, Matthew chapter 3 verse 13 thru chapter 4 verse 1 reveals that right after Jesus was baptized he was lead into the wilderness by the Spirit to be tempted by the devil.

The July before I entered 3rd grade, I was baptized. That August I entered the world of public school. I had no idea what the next three years had in store for me. Over the course of those years, I was bullied by a girl I thought was my friend as she was nice to my face (when she wasn’t trying to one up everything I was experiencing) but would spread rumors about me behind my back. There was also a boy and his friend who started to pick on me after I had to tell him my mom wouldn’t let me have a boyfriend in the 3rd grade. In the 5th grade, I lost my grandfather on my Dad’s side and felt a misconceived sense of guilt because the last time I saw him I ended up being sick and threw up all over their living room floor. I didn’t know what was happening at time, but I was under serious spiritual attack by Satan. I had lit the flame of Christ in me and Satan was doing everything in his power to snuff it out.

That’s the thing. He doesn’t care how old you are, what stage of life you are in, what your financial status is, or whether you are married or not. He will come after you with everything he has in order to destroy you and make you forget WHOSE you are. Especially when you are on the right path. See, we are not warriors in the physical sense. We are warriors in a spiritual battle. 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 says:
For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 
As Warrior Princesses the way we fight will differ from the way a man does in some ways. Male and female each have a role to play. Each of us show a different side of God. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, said, “Jesus the Lover is pink; Jesus the Lord is blue. Pink and blue together make purple, the color of royalty.” Male and female are different by God’s design. We have each been given different assets and talents to bring glory to God. When used in tandem, we really show the world who God is. Thus the way we wage war may often look a little different from the way our men wage war.

In Judges 4 we read about a woman warrior, Deborah. We read that once again the Israelites have turned against God and so he handed them over to the King of Canaan by way of his commander Sisera. It’s after 20 years that when Israelites cry out to God for deliverance from their oppression that we meet Deborah. We pick up the story at verse 4.
Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel at that time. She used to sit under the palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the people of Israel came up to her for judgment. She sent and summoned Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh-naphtali and said to him, “Has not the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded you, ‘Go, gather your men at Mount Tabor, taking 10,000 from the people of Naphtali and the people of Zebulun. And I will draw out Sisera, the general of Jabin's army, to meet you by the river Kishon with his chariots and his troops, and I will give him into your hand’?” Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, I will go, but if you will not go with me, I will not go.” And she said, “I will surely go with you. Nevertheless, the road on which you are going will not lead to your glory, for the Lord will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.” Then Deborah arose and went with Barak to Kedesh. And Barak called out Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh. And 10,000 men went up at his heels, and Deborah went up with him.
As we read on we see that the Lord did as Deborah had said he would and brought Sisera out. Once they were there, Deborah once again encourages Barak in verse 14. “And Deborah said to Barak, ‘Up! For this is the day in which the Lord has given Sisera into your hand. Does not the Lord go out before you?’” Barak and his men go down and defeat the army, but Sisera flees and is felled by a tent spike brandished by a woman named Jael.

Deborah wasn’t a warrior in the way Barak was a warrior. She was a wife and a prophetess who went to the battlefield because Barak requested it of her. Deborah is respectful of him and his wishes even as she tells him that the honor of striking Sisera down will not be his, but a woman’s, because he refused to go without her. And if you notice, Deborah didn’t take control of the situation into her own hands. She affirms Barak’s leadership by giving him every opportunity to rise up and encourages Barak to lead his army into battle.

See, we are called to fight in this battle in the way only we can. As women, we can encourage our men to step up and lead as they were called to do. We are the help-meet for men, their suitable helper. The way we encourage them is something only we can do.

Take Esther as another example. She didn’t go to the battlefield like Deborah, though as a Royal Lady of that time she may have known archery and horsemanship and may have gone on hunts with the King, but she was the only one who could save the rest of the Jews. Flip over to Esther chapter 4.

In the previous chapters we see that Esther was taken into the palace after the King banishes Queen Vashti and follows the advice from his wise men to make a decree to find a new queen. While she is being prepared to go to the king, we see that she wins the favor of everyone she comes in contact with. When her time came to see the king, he was more attracted to her than any of the other women and she won his favor and approval more than any of the other women and thus he made her queen.

After this we find that a man named Haman is honored and given a very high position in which all the other nobles knelt down and paid honor to him. However, Mordecai, Esther’s cousin, refused to do so because he was a Jew. Thus Haman developed a plot to kill Mordecai by killing all of the Jews disguising his motives by presenting it in a way to King Xerxes that he would think the Jews were a threat to his authority. When Mordecai hears of this plot he tears his clothes and put on the sackcloth and ashes and mourned in front of the king’s gate. Esther hears about this and commands one of the king’s eunuchs to find out why. When she finds out and it is relayed to her Modecai’s command to go to the King, she sends the eunuch back with this message we see in verse 11.
“All the king's servants and the people of the king's provinces know that if any man or woman goes to the king inside the inner court without being called, there is but one law—to be put to death, except the one to whom the king holds out the golden scepter so that he may live. But as for me, I have not been called to come in to the king these thirty days.”
There is some evidence that suggest no one could see the King unless called for by the King or granted permission by the chiliarch who would demand to know their business. This bring up the question of why Esther didn’t just ask for permission. Scholars think that the high position given to Haman was the position of chiliarch. If this was indeed the case, trying to get permission would mean going to Haman and having to reveal her purpose to him. Doing this would put her in a difficult position to say the least. Continuing on in verse 13:
Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. 14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” 15 Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, 16 “Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.”
Despite being scared for her life, she decides to go before the king after a time of fasting in hopes of obtaining God’s favor. She says, “If I perish, I perish.” It reminds me of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when, in the face on the fiery furnace, they told King Nebuchadnezzar that they believed God would deliver them but if not they would still never bow to any other god. This models such courage and such faith. Esther was in the opportune position to go to the King to get the edict repealed. She knew attempting this might mean forfeit of her life, but she went anyway.

As we know, King Xerxes held his scepter out to her and she followed a typical Near Eastern protocol for presenting a request. She begins by asking a small favor, the king and Haman’s attendance at a banquet she had prepared, and then works her way up to the real issue of Haman’s plot. Esther fought the battle in a way only she could.

Likewise we must fight in the ways only we can. We must armor up and fight the spiritual battle around us. Either we fight, or we forfeit. There is no lukewarm in this battle. C.S. Lewis wrote, “There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God, and counter-claimed by Satan.”

We have to armor up. In order to do so, we must know what our armor is. Flip over to Ephesians 6.
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,
Our weapon is the sword of the Spirit, the word of God. We use it to counter Satan’s attacks to divide us from God and each other. I would like to pose several ways in which we can wield it.

The first is Prayer.
Ephesians 6:18 – After listing the armor of God Paul continues, “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,”

James 5:13-16 – “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
We need to become prayer warriors, praying for all who are in need and even those who are not. We must pray as we rejoice and pray as we struggle. Just as Esther fasted and petitioned God for his favor before going before King Xerxes. We have a great God that hears our prayers and listens to our pleas alongside our praise. We may not get the answer we want, but our Father hears us and knows what is best for us. His will is far better than our own and we must trust His judgement to the fullest.

The second is Words.
Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Our words can be used as a weapon against people or against Satan. They can be used for good and bring life and peace, or even and bring death and chaos. Just as Deborah chose her words carefully so that she did not disrespect Barak but only gave glory to God. Our words are a big deal. The power of our words is stronger than we sometimes realize!
Matthew 12:36-37 – “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
A single word can lift someone up or tear them down. And what we say will comes from our hearts.
Matthew 12:34 – Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
So the question we have to ask ourselves is, what is abundant in my heart? Is it of God or is it of the world? Our hearts should be filled with God’s word and He should be reflected in our words. In contrast, listening to what other people say about you may cause you to forget who you actually are.
Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
God’s word has the power to sever what entangles us. It convicts us when we are in sin. It renews our minds, transforms our hearts, and changes our lives when we read or hear it. We must remember what the Word of God tells us about who we are and WHOSE we are.

Sometimes the way we use our words is to not use them at all. Sometimes we fight by holding our tongue and staying silent as we stand out ground. This may be because what wants to be blurted out of our mouth is not for God’s glory.
James 1:19-20 – Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
It could also be that we just need to be still and know He is God and we are not.
Psalm 46:10 - “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
It may be we stay silent because we need to shut our mouth and open our ears and eyes to God’s glory. Perhaps He wants to show you that He is fighting this battle and that He is already the victor.

The third way is Worship.

We battle as we worship. Worship is more than just singing before a sermon or songs in general for that matter. We worship God in all that we do, whether at work or home or in our cars; everything we do should bring glory to God.
Colossians 3:16-17 - Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 Corinthians 10:31 - So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
When we worship God in all we do, we change the environment around us. Satan will have a harder time getting to us because we will be focused solely on God, bringing glory to Him and not ourselves. Those around us will notice a difference and an opportunity might arise to share the gospel with them.

Above all other ways is Love.
1 Corinthians 13 - If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

James 13:34-35 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

1 Corinthians 16:14 - Let all that you do be done in love.

Philippians 1:9 – It is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment.
If we are to look like God, we are called to love. For we know that love is the only way to reach people. In the book Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere, she says, “Where love is stunted, the darkness of deception abounds; where love flourishes, knowledge and discernment increase proportionally.” To echo this look at 1 John 2:9-11.
Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. 10 Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. 11 But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.
It’s pretty straightforward. Hate lives in the dark while love lives in the light. If what we are doing and what we are saying are not loving, then we are in the dark. This isn’t to say that we condone everything, by no stretch of the imagination. If we have a friend or loved one who is walking in sin, we can confront them in love. There is always a loving way of doing things. This is what we are commanded to do. Everything that we do or say should be out of love, for God is love.

Remember, we do not fight to tear down, but to build up. We destroy evil by doing good. And as daughters of God, we can not hold back forgiveness. Refusing to forgive is allowing the devil to win. Forgiveness brings healing to both the one being forgiven and the forgiver. Just as our Father in heaven forgives us, we must forgive those who hurt us. It’s the loving thing to do.

To be a great warrior for God, we must first surrender our all to Him. Any time we feel the push to fight, we must first examine the push and make sure it is of God. Every day we must surrender to Him and His will for us in order for him to work in and through us. It is only then that God can make us into mighty warriors for Him.
Romans 12:1-2 – I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
We fight by sacrificing our worldly desires for the holy and perfect will of God and doing everything for God’s glory. If we live every aspect of our lives for God, the enemy can’t get to us as easily. If we are genuinely striving to be like Christ and are continually focused on Him, Satan will have a harder time swaying our thoughts. More than ever, our focus must be on Christ and we must reflect His love and His light.

The good news is that this battle belongs to the Lord. He has already overcome and conquered. Though that doesn’t mean Satan will stop trying to separate us from our Father. And we will fail, but as long as we get back up again, repenting and putting the armor of God back on and entering back into the fight, He will strengthen us.
Proverbs 24:16 - for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.
We do not rely on our own strength, but the strength of the Lord God Almighty. Philippians 4:13 states “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

We can have courage and know that with God on our side, we will not be defeated. As it says in Romans 8:31-39:
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And in 1 John 4:4 - Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

As well as 1 Peter 2:9 - But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Because of everything that happened in my elementary years, I became an extremely shy and introverted person. I unknowingly built walls to protect myself, but they really only served to isolate myself from those that loved me. I clamed up and forgot who I was, God’s beloved daughter, His warrior princess.

I implore you to always remember that you are a child of God. Nothing can separate you from Him. You are His warrior princess and your task is to exemplify Him to all the world, bringing Shalom, peace, to the chaos around you.

Friday, February 24, 2017

"...for Kings and All Who Are in High Positions..."

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
- 1 Timothy 2:1-4

As I read these verses in my Bible study yesterday, a couple of things occurred to me. The first being that not only do I need to pray for other people, but that I need to be lifting up supplications, intercessions, and thanksgivings for them as well. For those like me who hear the word supplication and somewhat get the gist of what it means but don't actually know what it means, I looked up the definition.

Supplication: the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly.

Inserting that definition into the text, it makes lifting people up like this look a lot different. It's not a "oh yeah, I pray for this person for this. Okay cool. Thanks." It becomes a deeper, "Dear holy God, I come to you humbly on behalf of this person, lifting them up to you for this reason that your will shall be done in their life and I pray for this outcome and that all the glory be to you." It's a whole different meaning, a different demeanor.

The other thing that I realized is that Paul is telling Timothy to lift the kings and rulers up in prayer, alongside with everyone else, that they too come to know Jesus and live a peaceful, quiet, godly, and dignified life. In that day and time, that meant Caesar! That meant the officials that persecuted fellow believers! That's a big deal! Of course this is in line with what we see Jesus taught his folowers in what I read today, Luke 6:27-28:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

So what does this mean for us? We are to pray for our leaders no matter who they are. That means President Trump. That means his predecessor, President Obama when he was in office. And it means the person that will come after President Trump. We are to honor them and lift them up in prayer that God will work through them and for HIS will to be done. We are to pray for them so that they too may lead a "peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way."

It's time to stop the hate. It's time to start praying. It doesn't matter if you like people or not, what they do isn't up to you. You're reaction is. Get down on your knees and pray for people, that they may also know the amazing, life giving, gift of grace from God, our Savior Jesus Christ who died on a cross to redeem us from sin. I pray that you will strive every day to look more like Jesus, just as I am. For I am not a perfect person, but I pray that God will work His will in and through me. For by myself I can do nothing, but it is Christ who works within me.

for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
- Philippians 2:13

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
- Galatians 2:20

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

"If You Can't Say Something Nice..."

It has been a week since the election. Social media has been on fire since Trump became our President-elect. I have seen and heard so many things that have made my blood boil and made me bite my tongue. Riots in the streets, burning the American flag, name calling (from both sides), hate-filled speech; it seems many Americans have gone crazy about the results. I personally don't understand it all.

The election is over. Trump won. Life goes on.

What is done is done. There is no changing it now. Why waste time and energy "protesting"? We could be using that energy to make America, or the world, a better place. Hate never changed anything.  Even some of those who supported Trump are saying and doing things that are highly inappropriate. You can't know a person by how they act or look. Stop judging people and start listening and loving. There are many people who are here legally, and just because someone believes something different than you does not make them wrong or bad. Perhaps we all need to take a page out of Thumper's book.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."
Kindness can change the world. Hate only destroys. So maybe before you speak, think about how the words you say affect those around you. Will your words spread love and kindness, bringing about peace? Or will they spread discord and hate, dividing us further?

If Thumper doesn't convince you, consider this:
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are you love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." - John 13:34-35
Jesus commands us to love one another. If we aren't loving, we aren't obeying and we aren't exemplifying Jesus. We are all one in the eyes of God. It doesn't matter who you are, who you voted for, or what you've done. God loves each and every one of us and asks us to love him and others as he does.

So I ask you again, are you spreading love or hate? Are you striving for peace and unity or are you simply destroying and dividing?
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:9-21

Friday, August 26, 2016

Learning to Dream Again

Remember when you were a kid and you used to dream of what your future would hold? I remember as a little girl I dreamed of becoming a cowgirl. I would own my own ranch and have horses that I would ride all the time. I'd ride the hills in my boots and hat and chaps and vest, not a care in the world.

Slowly that dream died. I realized that would never happen. Horses were expensive to take care of and I was told my love of horses was a phase that I would grow out of. I did get to take some riding lessons and learned that I hated English style riding. Western had always been the way I wanted to ride anyway. When I finally got to take western riding lessons, I loved it. However, the horses didn't always like me. And thus after a while, my love for horses diminished and my dream of riding the hills and plains faded into the past.

As I grew, I came into the thought process that any dream I had was foolish and would never amount to anything. I wanted to be a singer in a band, but knew it would never happen. I wanted to be an author, and pursued that for a while, but decided that my stories would never be good enough.

There were things I dreamed, and let myself dream about, because they were realistic dreams. Like, I dreamed I would marry a wonderful man who loved me fully and we would have a beautiful wedding. That came true. But I never really considered it a dream. It was realistic. It was something I was sure would happen.

So, when people talk about dreams, I'm at a loss. I grew to loathe the question: "Where do you see yourself in [x amount of] years?" I hated it, and still do, because my answer never changed. "I don't know." Part of it was because God has plans that I don't even know about. I thought I was going to go to Harding and graduate in four years and then get married to a man I met in person, probably live in Texas and never work with youth. After my first year at Harding, God took me to Washington where my aunt, uncle, and cousins lived. My plan was then to live there. I got on eharmony and was only looking in that area. Then I met Tanner. A man from Ohio who loved working with the youth at his congregation. I moved back to Dallas to work at my mom's law firm and started planning a future in Ohio. Now, here I am 4 years later in Lafayette, Louisiana. On top of that, I'm working with the youth and teaching a women's class and in leadership role.

The other part of my hatred of that question was that I didn't have any dreams. I decided to live day by day, week by week. I squelched any grand dreams or hopes that I thought were dumb or unrealistic.

Recently, though, I was convicted to try and dream again. Not just dream, but write them down. Any dream. From cooking the perfect meal, to my future kids graduation and wedding and kids. I realized I did have dreams I'd been shutting out. I had labeled them as hopes.

That's the funny thing about dreams is, we can end up calling them different things. Hopes. Wishes. Prayers.

So as I started writing these things down, I allowed myself to dream without fear, without abandon. I was shocked how many I ended up writing down. And I didn't even include the traveling I would like to do or my future kids graduations and spouses/weddings and their future kids. One that will never be crossed off for me, though, is growing closer to God and learning more about him and his love.

I encourage you to dream and write down those dreams. One day I'm sure I will look on my list and see that many of them have come true and will need to make a new list. Dream. Continue to dream. And don't hold yourself back. God can do so much more that you could ever hope for. You just have to let yourself dream and then give them to Him.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Am I Enough?

Recently I watched a video on RightNow Media called "Am I Enough?" It showed three women in different stages of life wondering if they were enough. We all ask that question, don't we? We go throughout our day wondering if we are good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, enough for our husband, our kids, our jobs. We even wonder if we are spiritual enough.

The video ended with a man's voice reading verses such as, "I am the way the truth and the life." - John 14:6 "[I] am near to all who call upon my name." - Psalm 145:18 "[My] mercies are new every morning." - Lamentations 3:22-23 "[My] love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Then the voice asks, "Am I enough?"

That struck me. God should be enough for me. Why am I not living that way? He is my father, my Lord, my savior. He loves me more than I could ever imagine. He died for me while I was still a sinner. He says I am more than enough.

Why do I doubt Him? Why do I still wonder if I am enough? Why am I not trusting fully what He says?

You are enough. You are loved. Continually choose to trust what your Father says about you. You are His heir and He chose you! How could we ever doubt that we are enough when the creator of all the universe looks upon us with such love and joy?

Perhaps we just forget. Let this be a reminder. Let us remember that we are more than enough because we were chosen by God! Let's put it on our ceiling above our bed so it is the first thing we see in the morning. Then we will never have to ask "am I enough" ever again!

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Post Anniversary Post

Yesterday marked three years of being married to my amazing husband. It really doesn't feel like it's been that long! It feels like I've known him forever (in a good way), but it also feel like we just started this journey yesterday. Being a Tuesday also made me have to remind myself it was our Anniversary! Though Tanner did go out of his way to make it special. :)

Instead of eating at work like he usually does, he met me at Pizza Artista. :) Then we went out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse and then SubZero (they make the ice cream while you're standing there! Apparently they were on Shark Tank.) for dessert.

Lunch date at Pizza Artistia

I know I have a very special man when he wants to take me out to a fancy dinner and splurge on me. :) I am so very thankful for him. God has really blessed me through Tanner and our marriage.

Happy 3rd Year Anniversary, babe. I love you so very much. I am looking forward to what the next year brings, ups, downs, and all. :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Waiting for Prince Charming VS. Kissing a Few Frogs

We've all heard these two phrases. Though I suppose over-heard would be the right word to use. Different people said these at different times. It's their "dating advice."
"Just make a list and make friends with guys and wait until you meet someone who fits your list."
"Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. So don't be afraid to date guys! How else are you going to know what you want?"
I heard someone say that sometimes girls just have to date a few deadbeats before they realize what they want in a guy.

I almost lost it.

Waiting for your perfect Prince Charming and going out and kissing a few frogs.. both of these view are very WRONG. That's right. I said it. They're both wrong. However, they are both right as well.

Here's the deal. There is nothing wrong with making a list of things that are deal-breakers if someone has or doesn't have something. (For example, a deal-breaker could be that the guy you are looking for has to have a relationship with God. Another could be that he doesn't smoke.) It's when this list has expectations of your future husband that are not realistic. (Like he has to always want to be with me.) Also, don't say "He has to be blonde" or "have green eyes" because you never know who God has in store for you. Also, remember that no one is perfect. Finding the "perfect man" is a lie. You aren't perfect and he won't be either. Your Prince isn't always going to be charming.

There is also nothing wrong with dating. However, guard your heart. Date with the intent to marry. What I mean by that is don't just date someone because they are cute and funny and they like you. Save yourself the heartbreak. PLEASE! (Oh, if I had taken this advice!) If a guy doesn't act like someone you would consider marrying in the future, DON'T DATE HIM!

Here's the truth, once you start dating someone, you put on rose colored glasses. You think they are just the best thing in the world and you stop seeing the red flags (or you just ignore them). I know this from experience.

I dated a guy once and ended up falling more in love with what I made him in my head than he actually was. My cousin asked me once if I would marry him if he asked. I told him yes. They guy in my head would have asked and would have been a wonderful husband that would stop playing video games and spend time with me. The guy I was dating wouldn't have asked at that point in time and wouldn't put down the controller when we got a chance to Skype.

Am I saying he is a bad guy? NO! He just wasn't the guy I thought I was in love with. He wasn't the guy I was to marry.

So, please, hear my words, take them to heart. Don't have so high of expectations that you get exhausted with waiting and just date the guy who is close enough but may not have (or has) the REAL deal-breakers. But also don't put yourself through the hurt of just dating anyone who is cute, nice, funny, and likes you. If you can't point out other reasons than those of why you are dating him, chances are, he's not the guy for you. Please trust me on this.

And guys, this isn't just for girls. Don't settle, and don't put yourself through the hurt of dating just anyone either. Your future wife will thank you.

There is someone out there for you. I don't know when you will find him or her. I just urge you to date wisely and with intent.

You are worth the wait and you are worth fighting for.

Guard your heart.

Please.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Battlefeild

Last Friday I had a friend pray over me. She and I have been talking for a while about the struggles of life and the spiritual battlefield. She told me her story and she is helping me grow and understand more.

This weekend Tanner and I went on the youth group Beach Retreat. On our way there I was sitting there thinking and, for some reason, my mind wandered back to elementary school. I had this insane realization.

I was baptized just after I turned 8. I remember talking to my parents about it on the way to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and them offering to pull over and find some water right then. I remember telling them that I could wait until we attended church that Sunday (which ever one we decided to attend in Arkansas). I remember that day being so excited, not realizing when the invitation song was sung, and thus being very distraught when service was over. I remember my dad explaining it to me and going forward to the preacher anyway so that I could. I remember the smile on my face and my dad's strong and stead hand on my back. I remember my feet coming off the ground a little and how I mentally freaked out a little while I was under the water, scared I was going to fall. I remember all the hugs and the older ladies asking if I would like to partake in the Lord's Supper, them bringing it to me. I remember the love and the joy on that day.

Little did I know, I stepped prominently onto battlefield at the moment I came up from the water.

In the fall, I started 3rd grade at a new school. I sat by a girl who talked to me and became a friend. Unbeknownst to me, Satan would use that friendship against me. That year and the two after (3rd - 5th) were filled with torment. I was bullied and torn down. My grandpa got sick and died and I felt guilty that the last time I was at his house I threw up on his floor. And when I was sad because he was sick and I told my friend, she tried to one up me saying that she had bruises on her bottom from being whipped. I learned to keep my mouth shut because it felt like no one cared.

I left Elementary School wounded, scared, and guarded.

Time after time Satan used my friends to wound and scar me. I built up walls to guard my heart, determined to not get hurt again, yet desperately desired for someone to break past them and take care of my heart. I became shy, broken, and reserved.

I didn't realize that those walls would hinder my relationship with my mom, my dad, my sister, and ultimately my heavenly Father. 14 years later I am still battling those walls and the fear that came with those wounds. I struggle with letting people in. It is only by God's power that my wonderful husband, Tanner, made it past those walls.

This realization made my jaw drop and my eyes widen. For the first time, I saw the battlefield. I had this thought of wishing someone had taught me how to put on the armor of God instead of just about it.

So, this weekend I opened myself to God. I wanted to break the walls down, but I knew I needed his help. I knew it would only be through Him that I would find healing. During our time of silence the first day I mentally said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me."

That night, the speaker, Mark, invited us to once again take a breath and just listen. Again, I said mentally, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." I was sitting there just listening when I heard a not quite audible voice, but it was distinctly, "You are beautiful, my child." Tears shot to my eyes and I reeled mentally for a moment. Had I really heard something? Did I just make it up? But I remembered my friends story and how she had heard something before too. So, I accepted it, blinking back tears.

When Mark started talking, he showed pictures of a groom seeing his bride for the first time on their wedding day. He made the point that this is how God sees us. He is our groom and we are so beautiful to him. Of course, I started crying because it was so beautiful. (Though when he first started showing the pictures I had a brief moment of wishing I had the picture I thought I was getting of Tanner seeing me. And then I remembered what my mom had described and an image came into my head and I was really happy. Note: I couldn't see the whole way down the aisle due to my contacts.)

When Mark stopped talking, there was a silence to let everything soak in. So, I sat, lifted my head up to the sky, and once again said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't hear anything and so I just went into praise. "You are my God. You are my Savior, the Lover of my soul." In the middle of a praise, I was cut off. "I am here. I have always been here. Seek and you will find." Then I felt something. It was like arms were wrapped around me, but not just my body, my heart. I felt free and joyful. Tears streamed down my face. God was with me. He was here and he wasn't going to leave me. I wanted to hug anyone who got near even if I didn't know them (I didn't).

I also got this image in my head. At first I was kneeling down at His throne in Sparta like warrior garb. But then, it was like He lifted me up and I was as His side dressed in a white Grecian style dress with the floor-length style skirt, it was sleeveless but had thick, tank-top like, graceful sleeves. The top was silver in that it was like armor. I had on the classic tall, Roman, sandals. It was beautiful. I was not just a warrior, but a warrior princess.

I got to talk to Tanner about it and he said something along the lines of that God was showing me that He had been with me all along, through all of the hurt. Tanner held me as I cried some more, grieving the time I spent breaking God's heart in my search for healing as I built my walls, distancing myself and then wondering where He was.

Every morning, now, I try to make time to pray and listen. I make sure to arm myself, and every time I pray on the armor of God I see that image I did Saturday night, the warrior princess.

I pray that you will find peace in Him and that you will find your healing in Him. For God is with you and no one can be against you. God has already won the war.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Love of God

Do you know the extent of God's love for you?

You may say, "Well, yes. He is my Father."

Guess what? He loves you MORE than just a father. It's true, a father's love is insanely deep. However, not only does God want to be your Father, he wants to be the lover of your soul!

Let's go back to the scripture for a moment. You remember in Genesis there is this guy named Abram, whose name gets changed to Abraham. He makes a covenant with God and from Abraham and Sarah come the Israelites. It's a story we are told as kids, right? Minus the bloody, nasty parts, of course. Don't want kids throwing up or having nightmares now, do we! But isn't everything in the bible important? Of course. In fact, it's actually an integral part of the story! (A lot of my knowledge comes from Ray Vander Laan. If you want to check out his stuff go to www.followtherabbi.com.)

In Genesis 15, Abram asks God how he would know that God would give him all the things God has promised. (This is called chutzpah is Hebrew, which is like persistence. But I won't get into that right now.) So God tells Abram to go get a cow, a goat, a ram. a dove, and a pigeon. What he doesn't tell Abram is what to do with them. However, Abram apparently already knows what to do. This tells us that this was a cultural ritual. (It still is in some places.) What this ritual was is that terms would be made between men and they would agree on the terms, unless it was between a greater party and a lesser party in which the greater party will set the terms. They would then kill the animals and place them where the blood would pool in a valley. Once there was a river of sorts, they would each pick up their tunics, take off their sandals, and walk through the blood. In doing this each would be saying, "If I break my promise, you can do this to me." ("This" being killing and walking in the blood.)

Gross, right? No wonder they didn't tell us this part in Sunday morning Bible class! But if we think about it, God's willingness to do this ritual for Abram's sake shows his immense love! He is the God of the universe for goodness sake. He could have just said, "Because I said so!"

So let's continue with what the text says. Abram then waits for God, making sure the birds of prey stay away from the carcasses. (Again, gross!) The sun starts going down and Abram falls asleep. In his sleep, he realizes what his end of the bargain is, to be blameless, and he because terrified. No kidding. Abram knew that if he even stuck his little toe in that blood, he was a dead man and the promises God had for him would be no more. So, then a smoking pot "walks" through the blood. (This would have been a pot with holes in it that women would have in their tents to put the burning coals in from that days fire and put the top on. It would then smoke all night and the women would then pour out the coals the next morning to make the next days fire with.) This represents God as the greater party would always go first. Thus, it was Abram's turn. The text doesn't say this, but it's as if he walked up to the valley and God, the torch, and moved him out of the way saying, "No wait. I've got this." God walks through the blood a second time. God is saying, "If YOU break YOUR promise, YOU can do this to ME."

At this moment, Jesus was sentenced to death on the cross.

Let that sink in for a moment.

When I told that to the Jr. High students at church Wednesday and their minds were blown. They couldn't believe that no one had connected those dots and told them about it before!

There's more. "What?" Oh yeah!

Fast forward to Exodus. Moses has lead the Israelites out of Egypt and they have stopped at Mount Sinai. This is where I think, "Oh, yeah. This is where God gives the ten commandments!" There's more to the story. This isn't just where God sets ten rules the Israelites have to follow. This is a wedding. God marries his people. The ten commandments weren't two tables with 5 on each one, it was 10 on each, a Ketubah, a contract. This is still practiced in Jewish wedding today, Instead of having vows, the bride and groom will write up a contract each to God of what kind of a husband and wife each will be. Ray Vander Laan read the first one, "You shall have no other idols before me" in this new light as so: "I will have no other lovers."

Powerful, right? "Didn't something happen with the Israelites while Moses was on the Mountain?" Yes. The golden calf. See, while Moses was getting the Ketubah from God, the Israelites decided that he wasn't coming back and so they needed a new god. They melted down their earrings and from it made a golden calf and started worshiping it, throwing a big party. (We won't get into what kind of party it was, but I will say it wasn't G rated. Even Ray Vander Laan didn't want to get into it.)

Fun fact: instead of wedding rings on their fingers, the Hebrews would wear rings in their ears, earrings. Wait, what did they melt down? Their earrings. Their wedding rings. During the wedding between God and his people, his people cheat on Him! You'd think he'd be done with them. Seriously, if it was my wedding and I found out something like that, the wedding would be off! But God doesn't do that. He keeps loving them! He purifies them and then the wedding resumes.

Now that is love. Pure love. Not just from a Father but from a spouse who loves unconditionally and intimately. To know that this is the kind of love that God has for us, and not just the Father/Child relationship that everyone talks about, speaks deeply to me!

Think about our young girls! For them to know that they can be fulfilled in every way because they have a God that loves them as a beautiful bride could be life-changing! They could know that they don't need to look for love from outside sources, from boys their age who are struggling with the same things that they are. Plus, thinking back on my own life, I think I may have looked at some things differently if I had thought of God as my husband and not just my Father. God is our Father, but he is also the lover of our souls. Yes, lover. He wants to know us as deeply as a spouse. Deeper even!

I think that this thought might bring a new perspective to our girls as they look at their relationship with God and what they do with their lives. It sets a new light on "God is always with you." It's no longer God the Father watching you and making sure you don't mess up and when you do He is going to punish you, it's more that God is with me because He loves me deeply and he WANTS to be with me, he CHOSE me.

There is a song by Francesca Battistelli called "He Knows My Name" in which the bridge says:
He calls me chosen
Free, forgiven
Wanted, child of the King
His forever
Held and treasured
I am loved.
Not only does this speak to being a child of God but, in my opinion, also a lover, a spouse, of God. Wanted, His Forever, Held and Treasured, Chosen, Loved; these are all things that a husband would say to his wife (and visa versa). My husband wants me, I am his forever, he holds and treasures me, he chose me, he loves me. As well, I want my husband, he is mine forever, I hold and treasure him, and I love him.

Imagine some things that girls fall into because of the world we live in. What if they had the mindset that when they start worshiping something besides him that they have cheated on him? How would that impact them? Would they still do some of the things the world likes to tempt them with? How does that impact you?!

Just as we all have a love language, God has a love language. His love language is obedience. Just as I feel loved when someone gets me a thoughtful gift, God feels loved when I obey His commands.

I will show God that I love Him by keeping His commandments. I know I am going to mess up, but I know that He is going to forgive me when I do. Because of His love I will strive to be blameless. His love is my motivation. He is the lover of my soul. Is He yours?

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

To my loving husband,

I was looking back on some past posts.. specifically the ones in the beginning stages of my relationship with my wonderful husband, Tanner. Wow. How it made my heart swell. It's so funny to see how, even before we took the first step as boyfriend/girlfriend, I saw a future with this amazing man I had met. I am so happy that it became a reality.

I do love the fact that, almost three years later, we have been deemed the cutest couple as we are still very much "in love". Of course, we have our ups and downs as every married couple does. Through it all, we are keeping God in the middle of our relationship. As well as making sure we don't get into too much of a routine by mixing things up every now and then.

I love my amazing husband. He is so wonderful to me. I love how deeply he cares for the youth at church and how he LOVES my family and how he longs for him and us as a couple to have a closer relationship with God.



Tanner,

You are such a blessing in my life. I love you so much and I am so appreciative of everything you do for me and us. I am so grateful for the work you do everyday and your goofiness that keeps me laughing. Thank you for choosing me and making me your lifelong partner.

Yours Always,
Elisabeth <3



Keep on keeping on.