Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Positivity Struggles

This past week has been met with many a thing. Tanner and I were glad it was finally the weekend and things looked bright! We spent the day playing video games and relaxing, but finally got stir-crazy enough that we decided we'd use that extra money left in July's budget (woot!) for restaurants to go out and get a snack since it was happy hour at Sonic.

There we decided finally get my car washed! I suggested we check out the family owned place that dries your car after it goes through the wash. We get there, pay for the wash in which they clean out the car. A few minutes after we had been inside, one of the guys comes in wondering whose red Pontiac they had. Tanner stood up and the guy said, "You have a flat tire."

This surprised us both. We hadn't heard anything, the tires didn't look flat at all when we got out. Suspiciously, Tanner went out and checked it out with them. Turns out my car got out of alignment and my two front tires were worn to the belt.

Thankfully, Tanner had the good jack in the back and he got the spare on the one that was flat so they could get it through the wash. My wonderful husband came back inside, frustrated, and told me what happened. My heart sunk. Tanner kept telling me it was a miracle that we had driven on it without anything happening for so long, but all I could think about was that we were going to need to buy two new tires (at least) and we were still working on getting our $1000 emergency fund back in place to complete Dave Ramsey's Baby Step 1 so we could move on to Baby Step 2 which is tackling our debt!

They finished my car and we went outside only to find new scratches on my car door. Both the passenger side, and the driver side.

Passenger door scratches.

Driver door scratch (gouge).

Unfortunately, we didn't see the extent until we got home and thus there was no point in going back. Tanner is also not completely sure they the scratches happened there. Add on to that the tires that could blow any minute if we drove on them.

I cried the whole way home. He was trying to stay positive and all I could do was cry because we were going to have to use our emergency fund once again. (We had to use most of it, since we had actually complete Baby Step 1, last month for Tanner's wisdom teeth removal. Though God provided there too so we had plenty to cover it and we got to pay in cash so we got the cash discount! :D )

It seemed hopeless. I felt as though we were never going to get to Baby Step 2 and we would always be stuck on Baby Step 1 thus we wouldn't get out non-mortgage debt paid off until 2027 or something crazy like that. It seemed Murphy's law had struck again. It seemed like Murphy was here to stay.

Sunday, I was still pretty down. As I got ready for church, my eye started to hurt. I tried all my usual tactics but I started to fear it was my contact. I refused to take them out, much to Tanner's displeasure, and we headed off to church. I suffered through the pain all through class and worship and our youth small group. We got home and Tanner had forgotten as I hadn't said anything for a while. SO, we sat and played video games until I said something about it hurting and he threatened to turn the game off if I didn't take them out.

Begrudgingly, I went upstairs and took the one that was hurting out first. Tanner came up with me, probably make sure I actually did it. :P

OH THE PAIN! Normally it hurts a little if I take out a contact that has been bothering me simply because the eye is irritated. But this! This was SO much worse! My eye watered and it was hard to keep it open! I told Tanner, "It feels like there is still something on my eye!"

I managed to pry it open and touch my eye where I felt something. I looked at my finger and there WAS something still in my eye! To me it looked like a piece of plastic, but Tanner informed me it was more likely some polyester or something.

In all that process, I realized that I had been wearing my last pair of contacts. It was time to order more. Another thing the emergency fund was going to have to cover since contacts are SO expensive and we hadn't planned for that expense. I was able to use what was left for July, as it would have gone into the fund anyway, so I didn't have to pull so much out.

Thus, for the last couple days I have been in a HUGE slump. I was having to wear my glasses so my eyes could heal (and if you know me, you know how much I HATE wearing glasses), we found out that my tire size is such a weird size that hardly anyone carries them in stock, we were looking  at the cost of buying the tires, getting them balanced and such, and then getting an alignment done; it was like the bad was never ending.

Tanner has been staying positive. He realizes the fact that it's not a big deal because we DO have the money we do set aside for these types of things. If we hadn't just gone through Financial Peace University, this would have devastated us and it would have had to go on one of the credit cards because we wouldn't have had the money. Tanner knows that we are going to be okay and that God is going to take care of us. He knows that as long as we stick to the plan, we will be back on track and tackling the debt in no time.

I know all of this to be true. I know that God is going to take care of us. However, I'm struggling to be grateful. I'm struggling to stay positive. I don't have my car to drive, we are having to carpool everyday in Tanner's truck (he drives to his work and then I drive to mine, then back to his work and he drives home), I was wearing my glasses (which of the two pairs I have, were the not a good pair since the lenses are apparently smaller, found that out last night), AND I couldn't eat anything yesterday because I had my medical exam thing for the life insurance I am getting. (Tanner had his done last week for his insurance.)

Today is a little better, though it started out rough due to my contacts being fuzzy while my eyes adjusted and waking up with the same headache I got in the middle of the night last night. I got some food in my stomach, and then coffee, my contacts cleared up and I'm okay. Yesterday, we got my contacts AND tires ordered! Tires will be here Monday and contacts on Thursday.

I'm slowly regaining my positivity. It's been a struggle though, and I'm not sure why. I guess I need to try and focus on the good. I need to focus on God... He is my comforter, I just have to truly believe it and seek Him.

Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. 

An Eventful 4th of July

This past weekend was July 4th. Tanner and I had planned to go to Dallas to visit my family and spend time with them there. Even had Monday off so we could spend some extra time with them! We were excited and it promised to be a great weekend.

Last week however, Tanner decided he really needed to go to the dentist as the taking of ibuprofen was getting out of hand. The tooth he had gotten a crown on didn't ever stop hurting in one way or another, whether it be sensitivity or just a slight pain. Also, his wisdom teeth were coming in weird and giving him issues. So, he made the appointment for Friday morning and our plans remained unchanged.

The appointment went well, minus the part when Tanner had to bite down on a piece of plastic with the crowned tooth which caused him intense pain. They told him he was going to need a root canal and his wisdom needed to be removed. Prices were better than other places, and we decided we would makes sure when would be a good time to schedule the next appointment and call them with a time and date. They also gave us a prescription for the pain and some antibiotics.

The rest of the day was uneventful and soon we were off to Dallas.

Oh what a ride it was.

Tanner was is so much pain and he was the one driving so he couldn't take the pain pill they had given him because it would make him drowsy. Six ibuprofen later and he was still in pain. We spent most of the car ride in silence. Note that the ride is five and a half hours long.

We FINALLY made it to Dallas, got the truck unpacked and Tanner was able to take his pain pill. He went to bed and I stayed up a little longer to wait for my sister to get home and to just talk with my parents. I expected Tanner to be passed out, but when I went back a couple hours later to go to bed, he was up brushing his teeth. He was still in pain. We went to bed and he tossed and turned, took more ibuprofen, and finally fell asleep at about 5:30 am.

Obviously, I didn't sleep well either. :P

One unhappy camper.

The next morning he seemed to be feeling a little better. However, it didn't last long. We had gone grocery shopping, and we were back at my parents cleaning the grill, cooking, playing with my little cousin, Collin, and we eventually went swimming. Tanner, despite how hard he tried, sat on the steps most of the time with his head in his hands. (My poor hubby. :( ) He found that keeping cold water on the tooth with the cap helped, but he had to keep it on there. On the plus side, he drank LOTS of water. :P

After we came inside from swimming to eat dinner, he got hit with pain that had him curled up on the bed with his hands on his head pleading for it to stop. It was awful. I got him some more water and went to eat. Mom and I then thought of the idea of an emergency dental place. I started looking some up on my phone but, being the 4th of July, it wasn't clear if they were open. Tanner's pain finally subsided and he came out to eat some steak. Mom called the emergency dental place, found out they had been taking patients (frustrating) and they would be open for an 11:30 am appointment the next day.

After church we run over to the dental place, they get us in, take more x-rays and give us the price to do a root canal. More expensive than our dentist, but we decided to do it anyway because Tanner was in SO much pain.

2 hours later and Tanner is a VERY happy man in NO pain! He even fell asleep a couple of times during the procedure! (He was way to exhausted and with out the pain there to keep him up he just passed out. :P )

The rest of the day was very happy and we were thankful to have an extra day to spend in Dallas with my family. The ride home was also MUCH more pleasant.

So our restful weekend turned out to be a very interesting one.

Moral of the story. If you need a root canal, in a tooth that has been hurting, get it done the same day! Also, don't wait a long time to get the tooth that shouldn't be sensitive anymore but still is checked out. Not a good idea.

AND, don't eat heath bar ice cream. That's what got us into this mess in the first place. Heath bar ice cream cracks teeth. Don't do it.

Hope y'all had a less eventful (unless the events were good!) 4th of July!

A piece of randomness

Hold back the pain.

Hold in the tears.

They didn't mean it.

This shouldn't hurt.

Forget what they said.

It doesn't matter.

There is no pain.

There are no tears.

Don't feel the hurt.

Don't scream and shout.

Ignore the despair,

Ignited in your heart.

Everything is fine.

Nothing is wrong.

It's all okay.

Don't feel that way.

It's not like it matters.

It was just a few words.

Forget the anger,

The pain,

The hurt,

The knife in your heart.

Pull back the tears.

People are all around.

They'll see you're wounded.

They'll see you're not strong.

You can pull through this.

It's not the first time.

You can stand on your own...

Or at least look the part.

It doesn't matter if you feel you've been pushed in the dirt.

Doesn't matter if you feel like you're falling apart.

You have to look strong.

They'll start lecturing if you don't.

Hold in the tears.

Hold back the pain.