Paradox of Grief

I think we can all agree 2020 was a crazy year that just flew by. But great things still happened in 2020. For example, my wonderful sister got married, 💖 and I started a business making earrings and magnets out of polymer clay! (www.ellsworthcreations.etsy.com if you're interested. I'm also on FB and Intsagram!) I love it and am so excited about the creative outlet it has opened up.

But I come here now in grief. 2021 has already been a rollercoaster... and not just because of insane winter ice storms.

Back before Christmas, the Monday before to be exact, we got a very unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. With much trepidation and excitement, we told our family and were slowly telling friends. Until January 8th when it was confirmed that I miscarried. This is the first some of my friends and family will hear about this.. and I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out there.. but there it is.. It was a blow and, to be honest, we are still recovering. But God is the great healer and I know his plan is so much better than we could imagine.

Beyond that.. last Thursday my Mom had to sign the papers to put my Grandpa into hospice.. He's been in a lot of pain and not eating much, if anything.

This morning, I got the call. He's no longer in any pain. My heart rejoices in that. But it also breaks because I won't get to see him again on this earth. I wish I'd talked to him more.. or at least texted and sent more pictures and videos of Eden. I keep wracking my brain as to why I didn't think to send a video... why I didn't just shoot him a text to tell him we loved him (which I know he knew.. but still... ya know)...

I take solace that he is with God, and Grandma, and that he does know how much we loved him. Even though we - I - didn't say it more. And he gets to be with our would've been August baby, along with Grandpa and Grandma Hunter. I'll see them all in paradise.

So in this paradox of grief I'm in, being sad and joyful simultaneously, I fix my eyes upon Christ and trust in Him to heal my wounds.

I leave you with the words from Even If by Mercy Me:

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Good thing

A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope is you alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

"Hate your Father and Mother."

This past Sunday I looked over during worship and saw one of our friends with his grandson. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces. It was the cutest thing, and while I was filled with joy at watching them, my heart sunk. I SO LONG for that to be Eden and her grandparents!

But a thought occurred to me as I watched them and wallowed in my longing. It was almost audible.

"Hate your Father and Mother."

Which I acknowledged as a reference to Luke 14:26.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (ESV)

I have always had difficulty with the verse because I love so deeply. I understood it as in comparison to my love of Christ my love of my family looks like hate, but it always bothered me a little.

But sitting there in the "pew" chair feeling sad that I wasn't closer to family, I had a realization of what that verse meant. Doing ministry is almost equivalent to "hating" my father and mother.

God has us here in this place for a specific reason. He has a plan for us, and that plan has us here. Tanner is now Ministry Leader of the Youth and is working alongside of the Youth Minister while he works on his Bible degree through Harding University's online program. I am still involved with the youth and the women's ministry as much as I can be with our delightful baby girl.

I can not do what God has called me to do if I am caught up in longing to be somewhere else. If I am preoccupied with wishing that I lived closer to my parents (or his parents), I can not spread the love of Christ to those around me.

So, as much as I want to be closer to my family, I will be happy with the times I can see them and choose to focus on where I am and what God has for me to do. He put me here for a reason and I know he has big plans for me and my family. I just have to remember to focus on HIM first so that he can use me to spread his Kingdom.

Immense Love

I was always told that there was nothing like a parent's love. I knew it was true, but I was never able to fully grasp it.

I married Tanner 6 years ago. I love him with all my heart! My love grew for him every day we have been married (and still does). I couldn't imagine loving anyone with more intensity than I loved him. Eden proved me wrong.

I still love and adore my husband. He is the BEST. But when I look at our daughter, our Eden... my heart literally feels like it is simultaneously melting and exploding! There was no way to fully understand the love a parent feels until you are one, holding your child in your arms. There really is nothing like it. And, to be honest, it wasn't until she was in my arms that the love I had for her fully manifested.

Of course I loved Eden while she was in my womb. I whispered that I loved her to my growing belly frequently. My heart grew when she wiggled and kicked and when we saw all her movements during the ultrasound. But when she was put into my arms, when the little person growing inside me was suddenly in my arms, it was like my heart burst. She was here. She was alive in my arms, looking at me with sweet newborn eyes. There was a nurse by me tending to her, Tanner was next to me as soon as he cut the cord, but all I saw was her. All I felt was her delicate skin against mine. It was love as I'd never felt it before. Due to all that went on, I still didn't grasp the magnitude of it until a few days later, when I wasn't fogged by pain meds or in a completely sleep deprived state (thanks to my parents for letting us get some much needed sleep 💗). Still to this day, I'll look at her and feel my love for her grow exponentially.

How much greater is God's love for us! He is our heavenly Father! He MADE us! He knows WAY more about me than I know about my daughter. Being Eden's mother has given me just a GLIMPSE of the immense love He has for me. I mean.. wow. There really is NOTHING like the love of a parent. And there is certainly NOTHING like the love of God. He IS love. Just wow. 💛

Heartbroken

In the past few days, there has been a shooting in Baton Rouge (an hour away from where I live), and a shooting in the city I grew up in, Dallas. I am sickened. I am angry. I am heartbroken.

I admit I don't know a lot of what happened in Baton Rouge and I don't know much of what happened in Dallas. What I do know is a man was killed who happened to be black and mass amount of people are enraged because the color of peoples skin. So enraged that people of the same skin color are stopping traffic to "protest". So enraged that they "protest" in a violent way and 5 officers/security guards lost their lives.

When will it stop?!

Nothing is about skin color. No one is being oppressed unless it is of their own doing. If you really think something is happening, there is a peaceful way of doing it. Look at Martin Luther King Jr. Look at Gandhi. Violence to bring about change is doing nothing. How is what you have done any better than what that cop in Baton Rouge supposedly did?

Stop with the hashtags. Stop with the "protests". Stop with the madness. This isn't solving anything.

A people divided is a people conquerable. Nothing will get done until we band together. All lives matter. Not just a certain skin color or ethnicity. All people are God's children and we should treat them as such.

My heart is broken. I am in tears for the families that lost loved ones. I am in tears for people who are so lost that they think this is okay. I pray for those people. I pray God shows up in a BIG way in their lives. I pray they find Him and His peace. I hope you will join me in prayer. Through Christ, all things are possible and all things can be healed.

Pray for the families. Pray for the "protesters". Pray for peace. For God is the ruler of all things.

Waiting for Prince Charming VS. Kissing a Few Frogs

We've all heard these two phrases. Though I suppose over-heard would be the right word to use. Different people said these at different times. It's their "dating advice."

"Just make a list and make friends with guys and wait until you meet someone who fits your list."

"Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. So don't be afraid to date guys! How else are you going to know what you want?"

I heard someone say that sometimes girls just have to date a few deadbeats before they realize what they want in a guy.

I almost lost it.

Waiting for your perfect Prince Charming and going out and kissing a few frogs.. both of these view are very WRONG. That's right. I said it. They're both wrong. However, they are both right as well.

Here's the deal. There is nothing wrong with making a list of things that are deal-breakers if someone has or doesn't have something. (For example, a deal-breaker could be that the guy you are looking for has to have a relationship with God. Another could be that he doesn't smoke.) It's when this list has expectations of your future husband that are not realistic. (Like he has to always want to be with me.) Also, don't say "He has to be blonde" or "have green eyes" because you never know who God has in store for you. Also, remember that no one is perfect. Finding the "perfect man" is a lie. You aren't perfect and he won't be either. Your Prince isn't always going to be charming.

There is also nothing wrong with dating. However, guard your heart. Date with the intent to marry. What I mean by that is don't just date someone because they are cute and funny and they like you. Save yourself the heartbreak. PLEASE! (Oh, if I had taken this advice!) If a guy doesn't act like someone you would consider marrying in the future, DON'T DATE HIM!

Here's the truth, once you start dating someone, you put on rose colored glasses. You think they are just the best thing in the world and you stop seeing the red flags (or you just ignore them). I know this from experience.

I dated a guy once and ended up falling more in love with what I made him in my head than he actually was. My cousin asked me once if I would marry him if he asked. I told him yes. They guy in my head would have asked and would have been a wonderful husband that would stop playing video games and spend time with me. The guy I was dating wouldn't have asked at that point in time and wouldn't put down the controller when we got a chance to Skype.

Am I saying he is a bad guy? NO! He just wasn't the guy I thought I was in love with. He wasn't the guy I was to marry.

So, please, hear my words, take them to heart. Don't have so high of expectations that you get exhausted with waiting and just date the guy who is close enough but may not have (or has) the REAL deal-breakers. But also don't put yourself through the hurt of just dating anyone who is cute, nice, funny, and likes you. If you can't point out other reasons than those of why you are dating him, chances are, he's not the guy for you. Please trust me on this.

And guys, this isn't just for girls. Don't settle, and don't put yourself through the hurt of dating just anyone either. Your future wife will thank you.

There is someone out there for you. I don't know when you will find him or her. I just urge you to date wisely and with intent.

You are worth the wait and you are worth fighting for.

Guard your heart.

Please.

Another Day, Another Lie.

Lately, I have been struggling with feeling like I really stink at relationships. I feel like I can't get close to anyone. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However, I do feel the GREAT need to have a best friend(s). I know I need to open up and I know I need to let people in.

I keep hearing, "No one really wants to know you. Why would they care? They don't want to have a deep relationship! Who does? You're too different. Too messed up. Let them know about your struggles? HA! They won't want anything to do with you if they knew. If you say anything about you're struggles or anything that could be negative about your life, you're not being a good wife. You're making your husband look bad. Weren't you told not to disrespect your husband? You wouldn't want to do that, right?"

 I am finding it hard to trust. I've been hurt so bad in my past that I don't know how to let someone in completely. I don't know how to fully open my heart to someone. Even with my husband sometimes! Granted, I have grown tremendously in the past two years; I still have a long way to go.

Tanner has been meeting with a men's bible study group and with a friend weekly. It's so amazing to see him grow and see the bonds he is creating. I long to have that. I know I need to have someone that I can do that with. Unfortunately, every time I go to consider who I might be able to form that kind of deep relationship with, I get an overwhelming feeling that no one will want that kind of relationship with me; no one would really want to talk to me.

Then the reminders of the pain and the past relationships that ended with my being back-stabbed, trampled on, and overall hurt time and time again.

I built up so many walls that even I don't know where they end anymore. I don't know how to trust someone other than God, my husband, and my parents and sister with my heart anymore. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have become so guarded that I carefully examine what I am going to say/expose to who and what they may do with it. This also only happens when I feel it is absolutely necessary.

God put a desire in me, however, to be with others who know me, who I can open up to and be vulnerable with. I have been relying on my family and Tanner to fill this desire, though the brunt falls on Tanner. I know this isn't fair to him. He can't be my husband and my "girlfriend." I know that God fills most of the desire, but He desires us to be in community with each other and thus the desire isn't completely filled.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know what have a "girlfriend" looks or feels like when it is a healthy relationship. My fear of being hurt again holds me back. My past looms over me, reminding me of all the other times I've tried and it failing. I can't hardly talk about it without choking up.

Recently, I told the girls in my small group about the last time I thought I had a good friend and how it ended in hurt and then said "friend" turning all but one of my supposed friends against me. I felt my voice break near the end. I didn't realize how sore a subject it still was, that the wound from that still hasn't healed.

It was HARD to tell them that story even though it was short and summarized into two sentences. I am so grateful to the other woman in that group and how she spoke to my wound in saying that none of the girls (or her) would do anything like that to me. I felt so loved and encouraged.

But the lies still remain. I am still hesitant to let them any deeper. I still hear Satan whispering in my ear.

"You're too much for them. You're too messy for them. If only they knew the rest. They would look at you with pity and disgust. They wouldn't want to talk to you again. You have nothing to offer them."

I know that God can heal all things. Through His power I can overcome this, but I'm not completely sure that I can do it without the help of another God-filled woman.

I pray that you don't hear these lies. If you do, I pray you may overcome them. I pray that you don't walk away from every conversation think that you are the most awkward person in the world as I do. And I hope that you will pray for me as I continue on this journey.

Keep on keeping on.

Where is Your Treasure?

One Wednesday a while back, the preacher at the congregation we attend taught a lesson on storing our treasures in Heaven. Matthew 6: 19-24 says:

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. ²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Usually, when we read this passage, we automatically think "Where my heart is, that is where my treasure will be." But if you read closely, it's quite the opposite. Where we store our treasure is where our heart will be, as we read in verse 21.

 ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

So, what is our treasure? Typically, we think of gold and jewels as treasure. At least that's the first thing that comes to mind, especially when I was a child. However, that's not all the word means. We can treasure things, people, time.

So, what do you treasure? Wealth? Time? Friends? Family? Pets? Really, what do you invest in? That is how you will tell what you treasure. Because if you spend time doing something, you treasure that. For example, I spend lots of time with my husband. Therefore, as I should, I treasure him.

The real question is: Are you treasuring God? If we are supposed to be storing up our treasures in Heaven, should we not be treasuring God and His work? Of course we should. So, are we? Are we spending the amount of time we should with him? Perhaps we should be spending more time with Him and less time on Facebook, or playing video games, or watching TV, or whatever else we are doing so much.

I think it's time we re-evaluate how much time we spend doing things. Myself included. Time to start storing our treasures in Heaven instead of earthly things that won't last. For where our treasure lies, there our hearts will be also.

Long Distance Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day all!

It's Tanner and my first Valentine's day. It's exciting! But as he's in Ohio, it's a little strange. Let me just tell you right now if you didn't already know. Long distance is rough! It's hard, and saddening at times and you just want to be together, but you're miles apart! It does make the relationship stronger though.

But anyway, Tanner called me this morning as he was headed to class and wished me Happy Valentine's Day. Totally made my whole day. I couldn't stop smiling all morning! He he! Even though we are far apart, he still makes me smile and my heart leap with joy. :)

Tanner, I love you and I can't wait until March 2nd and I get to see you! <3

Keep on keeping on,

Elisabeth