Victory Over Defeats

Goals. We all have them. I, personally, have several goals and have had several goals that are on and off again. I have a problem with sticking to my goals. When the going gets tough, I stop going. (Guess I'm not tough. ;P )

Recently, though, I have been encouraged to "crush my goals". As of yesterday, I have kept to my goal of drinking at least 9 cups of water for 9 days now! But this hasn't come easy. I gave up my coffee Sunday morning for a 3 cup bottle of water. Yesterday, I didn't manage to finish my first 3 cups until about 4 pm. Not a big deal, but that meant I had to drink 6 cups of water between I got home at 5:30 pm and when I went to sleep. It was one of those days that I would have thrown in the towel in the past. I wouldn't have seen a good way to get all the water in, and I would have given up before I even finished the first 3 cups.

This has happened to me a lot. If I miss a day of something, I tend to get discouraged and throw in the towel. I know I should get back on the wagon or the horse or whatever, but I get so down on myself that I just give up.

I let defeat defeat me.

I realized today, that I can have victory over defeat. Instead of letting myself be defeated by missing whatever goal I set for myself, I can get back up, start again, and claim my victory.

I have been so encouraged by a group of people who have decided to crush their goals and encourage others as they strive to do the same. I am grateful for them and their support. I encourage you to find someone or a group of people to do the same for you.

When you miss your goal, stand back up and know that you can reclaim your victory. Defeat doesn't have to defeat you. Even if you miss several days.

It's never too late to get back up and claim your victory over defeat.

"...for Kings and All Who Are in High Positions..."

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

- 1 Timothy 2:1-4

As I read these verses in my Bible study yesterday, a couple of things occurred to me. The first being that not only do I need to pray for other people, but that I need to be lifting up supplications, intercessions, and thanksgivings for them as well. For those like me who hear the word supplication and somewhat get the gist of what it means but don't actually know what it means, I looked up the definition.

Supplication: the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly.

Inserting that definition into the text, it makes lifting people up like this look a lot different. It's not a "oh yeah, I pray for this person for this. Okay cool. Thanks." It becomes a deeper, "Dear holy God, I come to you humbly on behalf of this person, lifting them up to you for this reason that your will shall be done in their life and I pray for this outcome and that all the glory be to you." It's a whole different meaning, a different demeanor.

The other thing that I realized is that Paul is telling Timothy to lift the kings and rulers up in prayer, alongside with everyone else, that they too come to know Jesus and live a peaceful, quiet, godly, and dignified life. In that day and time, that meant Caesar! That meant the officials that persecuted fellow believers! That's a big deal! Of course this is in line with what we see Jesus taught his folowers in what I read today, Luke 6:27-28:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

So what does this mean for us? We are to pray for our leaders no matter who they are. That means President Trump. That means his predecessor, President Obama when he was in office. And it means the person that will come after President Trump. We are to honor them and lift them up in prayer that God will work through them and for HIS will to be done. We are to pray for them so that they too may lead a "peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way."

It's time to stop the hate. It's time to start praying. It doesn't matter if you like people or not, what they do isn't up to you. You're reaction is. Get down on your knees and pray for people, that they may also know the amazing, life giving, gift of grace from God, our Savior Jesus Christ who died on a cross to redeem us from sin. I pray that you will strive every day to look more like Jesus, just as I am. For I am not a perfect person, but I pray that God will work His will in and through me. For by myself I can do nothing, but it is Christ who works within me.

for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

- Philippians 2:13

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20

Another Day, Another Lie.

Lately, I have been struggling with feeling like I really stink at relationships. I feel like I can't get close to anyone. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However, I do feel the GREAT need to have a best friend(s). I know I need to open up and I know I need to let people in.

I keep hearing, "No one really wants to know you. Why would they care? They don't want to have a deep relationship! Who does? You're too different. Too messed up. Let them know about your struggles? HA! They won't want anything to do with you if they knew. If you say anything about you're struggles or anything that could be negative about your life, you're not being a good wife. You're making your husband look bad. Weren't you told not to disrespect your husband? You wouldn't want to do that, right?"

 I am finding it hard to trust. I've been hurt so bad in my past that I don't know how to let someone in completely. I don't know how to fully open my heart to someone. Even with my husband sometimes! Granted, I have grown tremendously in the past two years; I still have a long way to go.

Tanner has been meeting with a men's bible study group and with a friend weekly. It's so amazing to see him grow and see the bonds he is creating. I long to have that. I know I need to have someone that I can do that with. Unfortunately, every time I go to consider who I might be able to form that kind of deep relationship with, I get an overwhelming feeling that no one will want that kind of relationship with me; no one would really want to talk to me.

Then the reminders of the pain and the past relationships that ended with my being back-stabbed, trampled on, and overall hurt time and time again.

I built up so many walls that even I don't know where they end anymore. I don't know how to trust someone other than God, my husband, and my parents and sister with my heart anymore. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have become so guarded that I carefully examine what I am going to say/expose to who and what they may do with it. This also only happens when I feel it is absolutely necessary.

God put a desire in me, however, to be with others who know me, who I can open up to and be vulnerable with. I have been relying on my family and Tanner to fill this desire, though the brunt falls on Tanner. I know this isn't fair to him. He can't be my husband and my "girlfriend." I know that God fills most of the desire, but He desires us to be in community with each other and thus the desire isn't completely filled.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know what have a "girlfriend" looks or feels like when it is a healthy relationship. My fear of being hurt again holds me back. My past looms over me, reminding me of all the other times I've tried and it failing. I can't hardly talk about it without choking up.

Recently, I told the girls in my small group about the last time I thought I had a good friend and how it ended in hurt and then said "friend" turning all but one of my supposed friends against me. I felt my voice break near the end. I didn't realize how sore a subject it still was, that the wound from that still hasn't healed.

It was HARD to tell them that story even though it was short and summarized into two sentences. I am so grateful to the other woman in that group and how she spoke to my wound in saying that none of the girls (or her) would do anything like that to me. I felt so loved and encouraged.

But the lies still remain. I am still hesitant to let them any deeper. I still hear Satan whispering in my ear.

"You're too much for them. You're too messy for them. If only they knew the rest. They would look at you with pity and disgust. They wouldn't want to talk to you again. You have nothing to offer them."

I know that God can heal all things. Through His power I can overcome this, but I'm not completely sure that I can do it without the help of another God-filled woman.

I pray that you don't hear these lies. If you do, I pray you may overcome them. I pray that you don't walk away from every conversation think that you are the most awkward person in the world as I do. And I hope that you will pray for me as I continue on this journey.

Keep on keeping on.

God is Good! His Love Endures Forever!

This past weekend, Tanner and I made the trip up to Ohio to spend time with his family and to go up to Michigan to hear Ray Vander Laan speak at Gull Lake Ministries! We went up Wednesday night and got back home Tuesday night. I would love to say that we had a wonderful flight and lots of time to spend with his family because we flew; sadly, I can not. We were unable to board the plane to get up to Ohio, so we drove. 16 weary hours. What is worse is that we left after our plane was supposed to leave. Yes. We drove all night. From 6:40pm to 12pm the next day. I think I got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep... maybe. Tanner only got about 1 or 2 hours. I will never do that again. Ever.

So, we got there, rested for maybe 10 minutes and then kept on going. My mother-in-law threw a Scentsy party for me and Tanner got to spend some time with his best friend! It was pretty fun. His whole family (well, most of it) was there and the guys talked while us girls talked Scentsy.

Friday, we went up to Michigan and met my parents and sister at Gull Lake Ministries. My family and I went two years ago (which is crazy since it is so close to where Tanner lived.. small world!) and loved it, so I was super excited for this year! There we listened to Ray Vander Laan speak for 8 sessions! He spoke that night, Saturday morning, twice in the afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning! Listening to him is like standing in front of a fire hose! There is so much to learn from him! He studied under a Jewish Rabbi for a while and has taught High School Bible for 37 years! He takes tours over to Israel! And I'm sure that is just a portion of all that he has done! (Check him out at www.followtherabbi.com!) My sister and I both bought brand new notebooks to take notes in, and she filled hers half way up! I didn't write as much, but that is because I am a terrible note taker and I can only write down so much that will be coherent later. As you can assume, this was a terrible burden in High School. Ha ha!

Anyway, a short thing that I learned this time around was that the green pastures is not what we think. What it would mean to an easterner is a lot of  green tufts of grass growing up in the desert (because that is where the shepherds have their sheep since there is limited farm land) from in between rocks where the water had pooled from the rare rain. So it's not that God plops us belly deep into alfalfa; He gives us enough for today and will provide for later. This really took root in me! Especially with the new house and all it's payments and bills. Like today, I realized that Tanner had spent more than I thought he did getting my oil changed and washing my car and getting a few needed groceries, because that is the wonderful husband that he is, and we didn't have enough to pay what bills we needed to pay before Tanner gets his next paycheck. After digging up all the change and cash I could and putting in the back and we still didn't have enough, I just looked to the sky and said, "God, I trust you wholly." Tanner then texted me later saying that his boss gave him an amount of money for the some scrap metal. With that added, we had enough for the bills and some groceries to last us until next paycheck. I almost cried, saying, "God is good! His love endures forever! He makes me lie down in green pastures! Thank you, God!" It was an awesome experience.

After parting with my parents and shoving all our belongings into the car, we drove back to Ohio to spend the rest of Monday with Tanner's family. When we woke up the next morning, planning to leave at 7:30am, his dad made blueberry pancakes and thick, wonderful bacon! Then we started loading the car. This is when Tanner realized that he had left his door open all night. Normally, that would have been fine, but it had rained all night. His seat was soaked, the back was soaked, my camera bag was wet (thankfully my camera and everything in it was fine), my purse was wet (again, thankfully nothing inside was too wet), the mirror that my mom had bought was wet... It totally ruined the morning. We dried everything off as best we could, though his Monte Carlo has fabric seats and not leather seats.. but that could be a good and bad thing when it comes to water, and put a tarp and towel on the seat to keep the water from getting on us as we drove. After we carefully loaded everything in the car, met Emily's, my sister-in-law, new goat, and said our goodbyes, we drove off home bound. We got in at about midnight and unloaded only the necessities, rolling the windows down and keeping the sunroof open so the car could dry out over night and the next day in the garage, and went straight to bed. The back of the car is still wet and Tanner is working on ways to dry it out as I type. This includes kitty litter and a probably a whole roll of paper towels. This should be interesting.. ha ha! I trust him. :)

All in all, it was a very eventful extended weekend! Now to figure out what to do about the flight credit we have... :P

Keep on keeping on!

~ Elisabeth

What was Unknown is Now Blatantly Apparent.

I found out something I didn't know about myself yesterday. The sermon yesterday morning was eye-opening. Not in the way you would think when you listen to a sermon. I didn't find out something about my spiritual life that I'm doing wrong or right; I didn't find out something that was hampering me from having a better spiritual life or that I have a suppressed sin in my life. No. What I found out was something about me.

I deal/have dealt with depression.

I'm not talking about feeling depressed because of something that happened or those days when it just a bad day. I'm talking about the real mental illness.

Yesterday, I was looking at how to know if you struggle with depression that was in our sermon notes (portion above). As I was reading them, I realized that what I was reading sounded exactly like my high school years and my year at college.

I wanted to sleep all the time figuring that if I went to bed, when I woke up things might be better. I either wanted to eat all the time or didn't eat at all. In college, there were times (mostly Saturdays and dinner time on weekdays) that unless someone was going with me, I just didn't go to the caf (cafeteria) because I either didn't feel like getting up or I didn't want to go in sit alone or get take out and sit in my room alone. If I got really hungry and my lips and cheeks hurt enough from biting them (because apparently that is what I do when I get hungry), I would just find a dollar and go to the vending machine in my dorm and get some chips or a candy bar and a drink to hold me over. Sometimes, the lights didn't even get turned on all day Saturdays because there was enough light coming in through the window during the day and the next thing I knew it was dark outside. I felt worthless and that no one liked me.

When I shared with my life group (Sunday night "church") that I realized I was actually depressed in High School and college, one of the ladies asked what I thought the trigger of it was. I gave her the answer that I thought was right at the time, but, after thinking about it longer, I realized what really triggered it.

3rd grade.

I had just moved from a private Christian school to a public elementary school. I had a great teacher, but that was the beginning of the worst three years of my life.

The year before, I had gotten glasses. I didn't need them all the time, but I did need them to see the board. This girl and I sat next to each other and became best friends. We had a good time, but soon she started stealing my glasses out of my desk and hiding them in hers. Later a boy liked me and gave me a beautiful lapel pin when he asked me to be his girlfriend. My mom had told me that I couldn't have a boyfriend and made me give it back. He then turned his liking of me to a disliking of me and began to pick on me. I tried so hard to be friends with him and his friend, but they wouldn't let me be friends with them. It started with pretend fighting, a few of us girls against a few of the boys. It wasn't real fighting. There was no punching or kicking or hurting. That is, until this certain boy pushed me hard to the ground. Later, I was hit in the face with a kickball that he threw, though he kept saying it hit my back. Perhaps he just felt bad for hitting me in the face because it was an accident. It didn't feel like an accident at the time.

Needless to say, things spiraled from there. My supposed best friend kept being my best friend and then lying about me behind my back. The boys kept picking on me, I was called a cry baby at lunch by my "friend' because she hurt me emotionally.

In fifth grade, my grandpa on my dad's side died. It was the first death in our family. I was so hurt because the last time I saw them I had thrown up on their floor. I didn't get to see them very often. I knew my grandma was sick way before that, but I didn't know with what (Alzheimer's disease), so I couldn't spend the night like I used to be able to. I had seen him once in the hospital and I thought he was getting better. What I was too young to know was that he had cancer. I just knew there was something wrong with his kidneys. I told my supposed friend at school during a project that it reminded me of my grandpa and that was why I was sad. She replied with couldn't they just give him a transplant, and when I said no she counteracted with that she had been whipped hard the night before. A year after my grandpa died, my grandma, his wife, passed away as well.

Come to think about it, maybe it was my grandpa's death that triggered my depression. More likely, I think, is that his death was the last straw. With all the pain and torment I suffered with almost everyday from my "friends", loosing my grandpa was probably what struck the final blow.

Throughout High School, I thought it was just all the pressure to be an all A student like my mom and my sister and that no one liked me. Looking back at college I thought it was the continued pressure to have at least a 3.6 GPA to be able to drive my car and the continued fear that no one liked me or wanted to be my friend and the fact that my boyfriend, at the time, stopped talking to me and just played video games while we were on Skype. However, there was a reason I had the insecurities of not thinking people liked me or wanting to be my friend. That came from 3rd thru 5th grade. I know that now. My fear of loosing the people I love spawning from the losses I experience at a young age.

Perhaps those three years were the years when I became the not-so-talkative, withdrawn girl that I was in High School and my year at College. I have made strides in not being that girl, but I still struggle to be the outgoing person I want to be.

During my senior year of high school, there came a point where I decided it all needed to stop. I visited a teacher, who also had a degree in counseling, and asked for help. Of course, it took all the guts I had in me to write the e-mail to ask if I could talk to him and then to actually walk into his classroom. He told me to write out my story because I seemed like a writer, which I am. That lead me to start my blog.

Sometimes I just have to get down what I am feeling. Writing helps me process what I am thinking and feeling into coherence. There is a sense of relief and release when I successfully write something that is what I am thinking and feeling into a coherent series of sentences or paragraphs and post it here, on my blog. This blog has not only helped me therapeutically  but it has helped my writing skills as well. And I hope it helps someone else out there who just wants to know that there is another person out there who isn't perfect and knows what they are going through. Because I have been there.

I have been depressed.

Occasionally, I still struggle with it. And it's not just the one day that everything is just going wrong or just a case of the blues.

If you struggle with anything, know that you are not alone. It's okay to be depressed, it's not a sin. Seek the help you need.

Keep on keeping on.