My Little Eden

Dear Eden,

Right now, a month ago today, you were born and placed into my arms. I cried when I held you. You were so beautiful. My heart burst at that moment and it hasn't stopped. Each day you've grown more beautiful, and each day my love for you has grown. Your father and I love you so much! I love being your mom. You are also loved SO immensely by your whole family and our church family. They couldn't wait to meet you and you were immediately adored.

You're growing so fast! Last week you were 10 pounds 3 ounces! You're 3 ounces shy of having gained 2 whole pounds! You're also getting so good at lifting your head up, and you give the best after bottle cuddles. I am absolutely loving watching you grow. You're coos are just the cutest and you're smiling more and more every day. You have so many expressions. I often find myself wondering what you are thinking or dreaming.

I thank God for you, Eden. I hope that you feel all of the love that we have for you. Though it is insignificant compared to the love God has for you. Never forget just how much you are loved by Him, or by us. (I know there will be times in your life when it doesn't seem like it because we are just being "so unfair", but even then, we love you with all of our heart.)

Love Always,

Your Mom 🖤

Own It.

If you have read some of my previous blog posts or know me personally, you know that I have struggled with my weight for quite some time. I have tried several different diets and exercise programs and products. Nothing worked for very long and I lost my motivation quickly.

This February I decided, once again, I needed to get healthier and take care of my body. I researched a few different gyms and, thanks to Facebook, found that one of the gyms I was looking at, which was owned by a friend, was having a sale on their membership if you locked in for a year! I talked with my husband, physically went to the gym to check out the environment and what it was like (also to get a feel of the drive), then JUMPED at the chance!

I am LOVING the classes! But I've also hit a few hiccups where I haven't gone as much as I would like to. But I have also learned something. Having an investment in the gym makes me have skin in the game so I CAN'T give up. And having a couple friends who are at the same gym makes going so much easier!

I've also learned that I can no longer say, "I'm going to try." When I do that, I set myself up with an out and thus, for failure. If I say, "I'm going to try to eat healthier and work out" I give myself that chance of when I do miss a workout or eat no so healthy to say "Well, I tried. It didn't work though."

NO! Never again!

I am putting those words out of my vocabulary! I have to own it!

I WILL eat healthier and work out. I WILL lose weight! I WILL be healthy! I WILL get into shape!

This concept really hit home lately when I became an independent distributor for It Works!. I really just wanted the free product credit! (Which I got!) I found myself thinking, "I'll try it out as a company." My awesome upline kept telling me, "You have to say it like you've got it. That is how you will succeed!" But the voice in the back of my mind kept reminded me how I've failed before.

Suddenly, I snapped. If I want to succeed, I have to own it! I'm not just going to try it as a business.

I WILL succeed and help Tanner and I pay off our debt and put money aside for the deductible on our health insurance when we decide to have a baby.

I WILL make money with MY business!

I started MY OWN business, and I WILL ROCK IT!

Of course, I go to God every day and pray that He leads me in the way He wants me to go. So far, it's lead me here. I firmly believe he led me to It Works! and to Dawn and Macie and the rest of my team. I just had to be ready to hear what they had to say and willing to let Him handle the how. He has blessed my business thus far and I am SO grateful for that!

Take "try" out of your vocabulary. Rely on God and own what you do.

Another Day, Another Lie.

Lately, I have been struggling with feeling like I really stink at relationships. I feel like I can't get close to anyone. If I do, I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However, I do feel the GREAT need to have a best friend(s). I know I need to open up and I know I need to let people in.

I keep hearing, "No one really wants to know you. Why would they care? They don't want to have a deep relationship! Who does? You're too different. Too messed up. Let them know about your struggles? HA! They won't want anything to do with you if they knew. If you say anything about you're struggles or anything that could be negative about your life, you're not being a good wife. You're making your husband look bad. Weren't you told not to disrespect your husband? You wouldn't want to do that, right?"

 I am finding it hard to trust. I've been hurt so bad in my past that I don't know how to let someone in completely. I don't know how to fully open my heart to someone. Even with my husband sometimes! Granted, I have grown tremendously in the past two years; I still have a long way to go.

Tanner has been meeting with a men's bible study group and with a friend weekly. It's so amazing to see him grow and see the bonds he is creating. I long to have that. I know I need to have someone that I can do that with. Unfortunately, every time I go to consider who I might be able to form that kind of deep relationship with, I get an overwhelming feeling that no one will want that kind of relationship with me; no one would really want to talk to me.

Then the reminders of the pain and the past relationships that ended with my being back-stabbed, trampled on, and overall hurt time and time again.

I built up so many walls that even I don't know where they end anymore. I don't know how to trust someone other than God, my husband, and my parents and sister with my heart anymore. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have become so guarded that I carefully examine what I am going to say/expose to who and what they may do with it. This also only happens when I feel it is absolutely necessary.

God put a desire in me, however, to be with others who know me, who I can open up to and be vulnerable with. I have been relying on my family and Tanner to fill this desire, though the brunt falls on Tanner. I know this isn't fair to him. He can't be my husband and my "girlfriend." I know that God fills most of the desire, but He desires us to be in community with each other and thus the desire isn't completely filled.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know what have a "girlfriend" looks or feels like when it is a healthy relationship. My fear of being hurt again holds me back. My past looms over me, reminding me of all the other times I've tried and it failing. I can't hardly talk about it without choking up.

Recently, I told the girls in my small group about the last time I thought I had a good friend and how it ended in hurt and then said "friend" turning all but one of my supposed friends against me. I felt my voice break near the end. I didn't realize how sore a subject it still was, that the wound from that still hasn't healed.

It was HARD to tell them that story even though it was short and summarized into two sentences. I am so grateful to the other woman in that group and how she spoke to my wound in saying that none of the girls (or her) would do anything like that to me. I felt so loved and encouraged.

But the lies still remain. I am still hesitant to let them any deeper. I still hear Satan whispering in my ear.

"You're too much for them. You're too messy for them. If only they knew the rest. They would look at you with pity and disgust. They wouldn't want to talk to you again. You have nothing to offer them."

I know that God can heal all things. Through His power I can overcome this, but I'm not completely sure that I can do it without the help of another God-filled woman.

I pray that you don't hear these lies. If you do, I pray you may overcome them. I pray that you don't walk away from every conversation think that you are the most awkward person in the world as I do. And I hope that you will pray for me as I continue on this journey.

Keep on keeping on.

Status: Super, duper, UBER excited and happy! And TAKEN!

I said I'd keep you updated, so here's the update! I have a BOYFRIEND! Ah! Getting used to that word again is so weird!! But weird in a good way! :D I think it's only fair that I at least tell you his name... Tanner! He's amazing... as I stated in the post yesterday.. haha! He's sweet and caring and considerate and good to his family and uber nice to me and a Godly guy... sigh...

Okay! So I'm smitten/ twitterpated/ whatever! What can I say? He's cute and wonderful! And an engineer! Totally amazing! And I wouldn't be surprised if I hear about him reading this tomorrow... but that's fine with me! Hehe! I am so excited to see him in like... 16 days!! Ah! Of course I am looking forward to seeing my wonderful family in 14 days as well. He he!

Anyways, in other news... as if that wasn't news enough.. ha ha! I was reading through some of my posts last night and read the one from over a year ago.. the one before I left to go to Harding. It's kinda strange to see how I was then. I was so scared to move 6 hours away from them and worried about money and all of this other craziness. Now I'm across the nation (pretty much) and working a job and not really worried about anything. I mean there are occasions when I freak out, but they are more and more rare and far between. I mean, I think about the money I may spend traveling to Texas or Ohio and making sure I have enough money to do whatever, not spending like crazy or anything. But mostly I try to save as much money I can.

But anyway. It's just kinda cool to see how much I have grown and become my own person who can manage her finances and make her own desicions! I have to give all the credit to God though. I couldn't have done any of this with out his guidance. Like moving up here! One of the best desicions I've made! It's helped me grow and really find myself, as well as get all my priorites straight and what I'm looking for straight. Which could bring me full circle, but I won't go all crazy again with all my excitment and what not in that area. :P Sure, I'm busy and have to get up earlier than I'd really like to, but that's life! And sure I don't have a car, but I've learned to manage. And if I really need to get somewhere then I just have to ask Ryan or my aunt and we can usually get something worked out. But I never would have done it had I not felt led to by God. And I know that probably sounds really "Christiany" but it's the truth. And I don't mind sounding like that because that's who I am, a Christian. And if I'd never moved up here I may have never met my boyfriend. (There's that word again.. ha ha!) :)

So, in summary, things are good! Now if I can just finish one of my books! Ha ha! In time.. sigh. Ha ha!

Keep on, keeping on. :)

Elisabeth