I am desperate. Desperate for a job that doesn't require my Saturdays, doesn't seem to erupt into chaos everyday or stench of tension. One that allows me to eat healthier than I have been. Perhaps a desk job. Something quiet and requires my organizational skills. Something creative and fun.
So, I do what anyone else would do and search. But then the fear sets in.
I don't have a lot of experience in the office work place. Most of my experience has been at a Pizza Place and a fast-food restaurant. I did work at a law firm, but for a short period of time.
What if I am doomed to be nothing more than a food worker? What if that is the only job I can ever get? What if the only way out is through becoming a mother when I can get a job watching someone else's children along with mine?
I fear I can't become anything more.
The depression hits as the desperation escalates. It's a never ending cycle of desperation to depression and back again. Trying to claw my way out of the hole of food service. Feeling as though that very hole I have dug myself is doomed to be my grave.
"Elisabeth Ellsworth: Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Food Service Employee."
What if none of my dreams become reality? What if I can never be the stay-at-home mother I always saw myself becoming? What if I can't be the mother I want to be because I'm still stuck at fast food job? What if my kids grow to resent me because I can't be at their games, or plays, or other events because I work Saturday's? What if...?
How do I make it stop?! How do I get out?!
"God, please help me find a way out..."