Creative Stir Crazy

Have you ever been at home so long that you feel this insatiable need to go anywhere else? Like you can't get out of the house soon enough. Like you've been cooped up for too long and you need to RUN or you'll just go crazy! It's what we call being Stir Crazy.

I am beginning to feel that way, but it's not about getting out of my house, it's creative. I feel like I'm in a creative rut and I can't get out of it. It's like I have all this creativity, but no outlet. I think about writing, but I don't know what to write and I'm stuck at a point in my story that I don't know how to get the main character to point B. I think about painting, but I don't know what to paint and even if I did, when on EARTH would I have the time?! (Seriously. We have something happening every single Saturday this month. I might just puke.) And anything that would be creative but costs money is NOT an option because we are trying to save every last penny (except a few for Christmas Gifts) to be able to buy a car since mine decided to quit. (We had to sell it.. It's really sad.. RIP 2007 Pontiac G6 GT Turbo V6 Hardtop Convertible, beloved first car.)

I'm exhausted.

It's a never ending cycle of insanity that leads me further down a sinking pit. My brain is foggy, my emotions are unreliable, and I'm feeling more anti-social by the minute. I have mixed feelings of wanting to slam my head on the desk and wanting to just curl up in a ball in my bed and go to sleep forever. It's like there is a person with their hands in the air, eye twitching, running around and screaming like mad man.

My brain is a dark place right now. (Thus the going to sleep so I don't have feel or think about it. #numbing) It's terrible. I know.

So yeah. There's my dark, self-deprecating post for the year.

I know I can't be the only one who is feeling this way or has felt this way at some point, so if you have any suggestions about how to get out of this insane cycle, feel free the leave it in the comments. I read every comment, I promise.

Anyhoo, I'm out. Peace.

Fear of Being Nothing More

I am desperate. Desperate for a job that doesn't require my Saturdays, doesn't seem to erupt into chaos everyday or stench of tension. One that allows me to eat healthier than I have been. Perhaps a desk job. Something quiet and requires my organizational skills. Something creative and fun.

So, I do what anyone else would do and search. But then the fear sets in.

I don't have a lot of experience in the office work place. Most of my experience has been at a Pizza Place and a fast-food restaurant. I did work at a law firm, but for a short period of time.

What if I am doomed to be nothing more than a food worker? What if that is the only job I can ever get? What if the only way out is through becoming a mother when I can get a job watching someone else's children along with mine?

I fear I can't become anything more.

The depression hits as the desperation escalates. It's a never ending cycle of  desperation to depression and back again. Trying to claw my way out of the hole of food service. Feeling as though that very hole I have dug myself is doomed to be my grave.

"Elisabeth Ellsworth: Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Food Service Employee."

What if none of my dreams become reality? What if I can never be the stay-at-home mother I always saw myself becoming? What if I can't be the mother I want to be because I'm still stuck at fast food job? What if my kids grow to resent me because I can't be at their games, or plays, or other events because I work Saturday's? What if...?

How do I make it stop?! How do I get out?!

"God, please help me find a way out..."

Keep on...