So Many Thoughts!

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O.o

My brain is absolute craziness. Today, there are about a million thoughts running through my head. Everything from financials to planning events to things around the house to food. There is so much stuff going on in my head, I don't think it will all be able to come out! They are getting so mushed together.

I've been putting together the Jr. High Scoop, which is like a newsletter of the events that are going on, for the Youth Group. We are trying to do more with them and get the parents involved. This month, I'm planning the Scavenger Hunt and the students are wanting to go to God's Not Dead as well as go bowling together after church Sunday. And they want to go this month! I feel like I've escalated from just doing the newsletter to kind of planning the calendar for the Jr. High! I don't mind at all, but I also don't want to do it by myself. I need a sound board to bounce ideas off of like what even should/ could go where. I also don't want to overstep and "take over" the Jr. High from the youth minister. I definitely don't want to step on anyone's toes. So where is the balance? Thankfully, we are having a youth leader meeting soon and we can get this all ironed out. I hope.

As for the rest of the things in my head, we are looking at putting up shelves to get rid of the shelves we currently have. With that comes all the questions. What do we want them to look like? How much are we willing to spend? Where are we going to put them? Do we want hanging shelves or standing bookshelves or both? Are we going to make them or buy them? What dimensions do they need to be? Who has the best deal?

Along with that, my wonderful husband sold his car yesterday. It was sad, but we are looking for a truck which will be better in the long run. Unfortunately, that means we are down to one car. Thus, while he is at work, I'm stuck at home unless I drive him to work and pick him up. It's quite the predicament.

We are also thinking about getting a dog. A friend of ours doesn't have time for their precious dachshund terrier mix and Tanner has been really wanting a dog. She is already house trained, kennel trained, and knows a few tricks so we wouldn't have to worry about a whole lot of training. She also doesn't shed a whole lot, so that's a plus. But our backyard has some low spots, which we want to fix anyway, and we don't want to get her and not be able to afford everything. We'd also need someone to dog sit if we got her before Easter as we are headed to Dallas for that weekend.

With all these things running through my brain all at once, it's kind of a mess. Hopefully, I can get it sorted out soon. That would be nice.

Keep on keeping on.

Elisabeth

It's Back to School...

I'm going back to school. I'm thinking a business degree with a minor in photography or something. I bought a digital photography class off Groupon that I will start after my last day at Chick-fil-a and start college classes in the Fall. I've put the request in for my transcript from Harding, scoped out the community college here in Lafayette, scoped out what kinds of classes I will probably need, but here's where I get stuck. I don't even know where to start when it comes to financial aid.

There is also the part of me that wonders why I am even doing this, other than it was the catch in being able to quit my job. Everyone talks about how they loved college and they wish they could go back. My experience wasn't so great. I hated school. The homework, the classes, the stress of keeping grades where they need to be; it was the bane of my existence. My year at college is not one I look back on fondly. Granted I was dealing with a lot of pressure to make all A's, a boyfriend who slowly stopped talking to me, being drawn to drama queens as friends, and the loss of my car for not having higher grades. I remember feeling so alone. I was depressed. No matter how I tried to deny it. (More on that in my earlier blog What was Unknown is Now Blatantly Apparent.)

This time around, however, I have a loving husband who has already committed to helping me with any homework, a new sense of self, a firmer faith in God, and no desperation for friends who like me. Maybe this time I'll actually like college. I'm still nervous that I won't do well or that I'm picking the wrong degree, however. I guess we'll find out.

I am looking forward to cooking more again though! More home-cooked food for my wonderful husband! I'm already thinking about the things I'm going to make and how I'm going to organize the meals each week so I know what to buy for groceries. I'm thinking white rice and beef stroganoff, taco soup, homemade pizza, maybe some steak with mashed potatoes and peas, experiments with desserts; so many ideas! As well as my house being cleaner, even though I'm not really looking forward to cleaning. Cleaning is better than working at Chick-fil-a! Don't get me wrong, I love Chick-fil-a, but the one I am working out is going through some changes and so everything is just in chaos as far as working there. Of course, it doesn't help that my knee is giving me some real trouble. It's kind of a wake-up call when your knee hurts for a month and then it swells up and stays that way for (going on) two days. It is time for a change.

It looks like I am about to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter that hopefully is finished before a bigger chapter comes! I look forward to be a mom, but I'm not quite ready for that yet!

Keep on keeping on!

Fear of Being Nothing More

I am desperate. Desperate for a job that doesn't require my Saturdays, doesn't seem to erupt into chaos everyday or stench of tension. One that allows me to eat healthier than I have been. Perhaps a desk job. Something quiet and requires my organizational skills. Something creative and fun.

So, I do what anyone else would do and search. But then the fear sets in.

I don't have a lot of experience in the office work place. Most of my experience has been at a Pizza Place and a fast-food restaurant. I did work at a law firm, but for a short period of time.

What if I am doomed to be nothing more than a food worker? What if that is the only job I can ever get? What if the only way out is through becoming a mother when I can get a job watching someone else's children along with mine?

I fear I can't become anything more.

The depression hits as the desperation escalates. It's a never ending cycle of  desperation to depression and back again. Trying to claw my way out of the hole of food service. Feeling as though that very hole I have dug myself is doomed to be my grave.

"Elisabeth Ellsworth: Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Food Service Employee."

What if none of my dreams become reality? What if I can never be the stay-at-home mother I always saw myself becoming? What if I can't be the mother I want to be because I'm still stuck at fast food job? What if my kids grow to resent me because I can't be at their games, or plays, or other events because I work Saturday's? What if...?

How do I make it stop?! How do I get out?!

"God, please help me find a way out..."

Keep on...

Crazy Week, Exciting Week!

Well. It has been a crazy week! Last week I went from helping with the youth here and there and simply wishing I could go with the youth group to Uplift (church camp at Harding University). Now I have been out almost every day this week doing something youth related and getting ready to leave for Uplift tomorrow morning! Monday I helped make a video to try and get the youth pumped up about Uplift, Tuesday I worked on getting the video to the person that was editing it, Wednesday I was at the building early before class with my husband and we went and picked up pizza and drinks for that night because it was the last day in the old building and picture day where I took the updated group pictures we needed.

Today I am doing the rest of the laundry, figuring out what Tanner is going to need while I am gone, packing everything I can before tomorrow at 6:00 am (since I have to be at the building at 7:00 am). I am so excited but I am also super nervous. This will be the first year that I will being to Uplift as a chaperon. I'm not completely sure what to expect, but I know I will taking a lot of pictures and videos! I am so excited that I get to use my love of taking pictures for something bigger than just my family and whatever random objects I find lying around.

I've been thinking about starting my own photography/videography business. I don't know how I would start it or anything. Perhaps I would make a facebook page with some professional looking pictures... Maybe one day.

Anyway, I am super pumped to be going this week! Even if Tanner won't be joining us. I am hoping that this time apart will be good for us though. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I know that time apart is sometimes a good thing.

If you can, keep this week and the chaperons and the youth and Tanner in your prayers. I'm praying that we will have a fantastic week and Tanner and I don't miss each other too terribly. :)

Keep on keeping on!

God is Good! His Love Endures Forever!

This past weekend, Tanner and I made the trip up to Ohio to spend time with his family and to go up to Michigan to hear Ray Vander Laan speak at Gull Lake Ministries! We went up Wednesday night and got back home Tuesday night. I would love to say that we had a wonderful flight and lots of time to spend with his family because we flew; sadly, I can not. We were unable to board the plane to get up to Ohio, so we drove. 16 weary hours. What is worse is that we left after our plane was supposed to leave. Yes. We drove all night. From 6:40pm to 12pm the next day. I think I got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep... maybe. Tanner only got about 1 or 2 hours. I will never do that again. Ever.

So, we got there, rested for maybe 10 minutes and then kept on going. My mother-in-law threw a Scentsy party for me and Tanner got to spend some time with his best friend! It was pretty fun. His whole family (well, most of it) was there and the guys talked while us girls talked Scentsy.

Friday, we went up to Michigan and met my parents and sister at Gull Lake Ministries. My family and I went two years ago (which is crazy since it is so close to where Tanner lived.. small world!) and loved it, so I was super excited for this year! There we listened to Ray Vander Laan speak for 8 sessions! He spoke that night, Saturday morning, twice in the afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning! Listening to him is like standing in front of a fire hose! There is so much to learn from him! He studied under a Jewish Rabbi for a while and has taught High School Bible for 37 years! He takes tours over to Israel! And I'm sure that is just a portion of all that he has done! (Check him out at www.followtherabbi.com!) My sister and I both bought brand new notebooks to take notes in, and she filled hers half way up! I didn't write as much, but that is because I am a terrible note taker and I can only write down so much that will be coherent later. As you can assume, this was a terrible burden in High School. Ha ha!

Anyway, a short thing that I learned this time around was that the green pastures is not what we think. What it would mean to an easterner is a lot of  green tufts of grass growing up in the desert (because that is where the shepherds have their sheep since there is limited farm land) from in between rocks where the water had pooled from the rare rain. So it's not that God plops us belly deep into alfalfa; He gives us enough for today and will provide for later. This really took root in me! Especially with the new house and all it's payments and bills. Like today, I realized that Tanner had spent more than I thought he did getting my oil changed and washing my car and getting a few needed groceries, because that is the wonderful husband that he is, and we didn't have enough to pay what bills we needed to pay before Tanner gets his next paycheck. After digging up all the change and cash I could and putting in the back and we still didn't have enough, I just looked to the sky and said, "God, I trust you wholly." Tanner then texted me later saying that his boss gave him an amount of money for the some scrap metal. With that added, we had enough for the bills and some groceries to last us until next paycheck. I almost cried, saying, "God is good! His love endures forever! He makes me lie down in green pastures! Thank you, God!" It was an awesome experience.

After parting with my parents and shoving all our belongings into the car, we drove back to Ohio to spend the rest of Monday with Tanner's family. When we woke up the next morning, planning to leave at 7:30am, his dad made blueberry pancakes and thick, wonderful bacon! Then we started loading the car. This is when Tanner realized that he had left his door open all night. Normally, that would have been fine, but it had rained all night. His seat was soaked, the back was soaked, my camera bag was wet (thankfully my camera and everything in it was fine), my purse was wet (again, thankfully nothing inside was too wet), the mirror that my mom had bought was wet... It totally ruined the morning. We dried everything off as best we could, though his Monte Carlo has fabric seats and not leather seats.. but that could be a good and bad thing when it comes to water, and put a tarp and towel on the seat to keep the water from getting on us as we drove. After we carefully loaded everything in the car, met Emily's, my sister-in-law, new goat, and said our goodbyes, we drove off home bound. We got in at about midnight and unloaded only the necessities, rolling the windows down and keeping the sunroof open so the car could dry out over night and the next day in the garage, and went straight to bed. The back of the car is still wet and Tanner is working on ways to dry it out as I type. This includes kitty litter and a probably a whole roll of paper towels. This should be interesting.. ha ha! I trust him. :)

All in all, it was a very eventful extended weekend! Now to figure out what to do about the flight credit we have... :P

Keep on keeping on!

~ Elisabeth