Crazy Week, Exciting Week!

Well. It has been a crazy week! Last week I went from helping with the youth here and there and simply wishing I could go with the youth group to Uplift (church camp at Harding University). Now I have been out almost every day this week doing something youth related and getting ready to leave for Uplift tomorrow morning! Monday I helped make a video to try and get the youth pumped up about Uplift, Tuesday I worked on getting the video to the person that was editing it, Wednesday I was at the building early before class with my husband and we went and picked up pizza and drinks for that night because it was the last day in the old building and picture day where I took the updated group pictures we needed.

Today I am doing the rest of the laundry, figuring out what Tanner is going to need while I am gone, packing everything I can before tomorrow at 6:00 am (since I have to be at the building at 7:00 am). I am so excited but I am also super nervous. This will be the first year that I will being to Uplift as a chaperon. I'm not completely sure what to expect, but I know I will taking a lot of pictures and videos! I am so excited that I get to use my love of taking pictures for something bigger than just my family and whatever random objects I find lying around.

I've been thinking about starting my own photography/videography business. I don't know how I would start it or anything. Perhaps I would make a facebook page with some professional looking pictures... Maybe one day.

Anyway, I am super pumped to be going this week! Even if Tanner won't be joining us. I am hoping that this time apart will be good for us though. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I know that time apart is sometimes a good thing.

If you can, keep this week and the chaperons and the youth and Tanner in your prayers. I'm praying that we will have a fantastic week and Tanner and I don't miss each other too terribly. :)

Keep on keeping on!

God is Good! His Love Endures Forever!

This past weekend, Tanner and I made the trip up to Ohio to spend time with his family and to go up to Michigan to hear Ray Vander Laan speak at Gull Lake Ministries! We went up Wednesday night and got back home Tuesday night. I would love to say that we had a wonderful flight and lots of time to spend with his family because we flew; sadly, I can not. We were unable to board the plane to get up to Ohio, so we drove. 16 weary hours. What is worse is that we left after our plane was supposed to leave. Yes. We drove all night. From 6:40pm to 12pm the next day. I think I got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep... maybe. Tanner only got about 1 or 2 hours. I will never do that again. Ever.

So, we got there, rested for maybe 10 minutes and then kept on going. My mother-in-law threw a Scentsy party for me and Tanner got to spend some time with his best friend! It was pretty fun. His whole family (well, most of it) was there and the guys talked while us girls talked Scentsy.

Friday, we went up to Michigan and met my parents and sister at Gull Lake Ministries. My family and I went two years ago (which is crazy since it is so close to where Tanner lived.. small world!) and loved it, so I was super excited for this year! There we listened to Ray Vander Laan speak for 8 sessions! He spoke that night, Saturday morning, twice in the afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Monday morning! Listening to him is like standing in front of a fire hose! There is so much to learn from him! He studied under a Jewish Rabbi for a while and has taught High School Bible for 37 years! He takes tours over to Israel! And I'm sure that is just a portion of all that he has done! (Check him out at www.followtherabbi.com!) My sister and I both bought brand new notebooks to take notes in, and she filled hers half way up! I didn't write as much, but that is because I am a terrible note taker and I can only write down so much that will be coherent later. As you can assume, this was a terrible burden in High School. Ha ha!

Anyway, a short thing that I learned this time around was that the green pastures is not what we think. What it would mean to an easterner is a lot of  green tufts of grass growing up in the desert (because that is where the shepherds have their sheep since there is limited farm land) from in between rocks where the water had pooled from the rare rain. So it's not that God plops us belly deep into alfalfa; He gives us enough for today and will provide for later. This really took root in me! Especially with the new house and all it's payments and bills. Like today, I realized that Tanner had spent more than I thought he did getting my oil changed and washing my car and getting a few needed groceries, because that is the wonderful husband that he is, and we didn't have enough to pay what bills we needed to pay before Tanner gets his next paycheck. After digging up all the change and cash I could and putting in the back and we still didn't have enough, I just looked to the sky and said, "God, I trust you wholly." Tanner then texted me later saying that his boss gave him an amount of money for the some scrap metal. With that added, we had enough for the bills and some groceries to last us until next paycheck. I almost cried, saying, "God is good! His love endures forever! He makes me lie down in green pastures! Thank you, God!" It was an awesome experience.

After parting with my parents and shoving all our belongings into the car, we drove back to Ohio to spend the rest of Monday with Tanner's family. When we woke up the next morning, planning to leave at 7:30am, his dad made blueberry pancakes and thick, wonderful bacon! Then we started loading the car. This is when Tanner realized that he had left his door open all night. Normally, that would have been fine, but it had rained all night. His seat was soaked, the back was soaked, my camera bag was wet (thankfully my camera and everything in it was fine), my purse was wet (again, thankfully nothing inside was too wet), the mirror that my mom had bought was wet... It totally ruined the morning. We dried everything off as best we could, though his Monte Carlo has fabric seats and not leather seats.. but that could be a good and bad thing when it comes to water, and put a tarp and towel on the seat to keep the water from getting on us as we drove. After we carefully loaded everything in the car, met Emily's, my sister-in-law, new goat, and said our goodbyes, we drove off home bound. We got in at about midnight and unloaded only the necessities, rolling the windows down and keeping the sunroof open so the car could dry out over night and the next day in the garage, and went straight to bed. The back of the car is still wet and Tanner is working on ways to dry it out as I type. This includes kitty litter and a probably a whole roll of paper towels. This should be interesting.. ha ha! I trust him. :)

All in all, it was a very eventful extended weekend! Now to figure out what to do about the flight credit we have... :P

Keep on keeping on!

~ Elisabeth

Just Another Update on the Happenings of My Life.

We are all moved in! Well, not completely unpacked.. almost! The tv is still sitting on the floor, there are still boxes chilling out on our bedroom floor and in the office. It's a work in progress. We are still debating on blinds, so there is still cardboard in the windows upstairs, but it's all good.

I went to get my driver's license switched over and changed today. It was a lot faster than I expected! One thing I didn't know is that, here in Louisiana, they don't have temporary licenses! They just print up your license right there! I was so excited because then I didn't have to worry about bringing anything else to the airport tomorrow! Woo! The unfortunate thing is, they had to keep my out of state license. :( So, now all I have is the black and white version of it. I was very sad. It was a good picture too! In this one I dressed up and was all pretty, ready to have my picture taken.. double chin. UGH! T.T I'm so upset! Now I have to wait like four years to get a new picture taken and hope that I have lost weight! Ah well.. :/

Ah yes! Plane! Tomorrow we are heading out to Ohio to see Tanner's family! We are so excited! We haven't seen them in almost 9 months! Tanner has been really missing them and his best friends. Tanner's mom is also hosting a Scentsy party! Yay! I am excited about that. :D We will be leaving for the weekend though. On Friday we will be heading up to Gull Lake, MI to hear Ray Vander Laan! I wrote a blog on the last (and first) time I heard him talk two years ago. I can't believe it's been that long! O.o Anyway, my parents and sister will be there for that. After Ray Vander Lann's last session Monday morning, Tanner and I will head back down to Ohio and spend the rest of the day there and leave Tuesday afternoon. We are trying to squeeze in as much family time (and friend time) as possible! It may not be a super relaxing weekend, but it will be fun and we are looking forward to it.

Hopefully, when we get back, we can get the house into shape and then I can take some pictures! :D A girl can hope. :P Definitely before my birthday! ... Oh my goodness.. I'm turning 21 in 25 days! BAH!! Time flies so fast!! Tanner and I will have been married for a year in 4 months and 10 days! Oh wow.. Next thing I know it will have been 5 years and I'll be pregnant! O.o Why time.. why do you have to go by so fast?! *Sigh* :P

Keep on keeping on!

What was Unknown is Now Blatantly Apparent.

I found out something I didn't know about myself yesterday. The sermon yesterday morning was eye-opening. Not in the way you would think when you listen to a sermon. I didn't find out something about my spiritual life that I'm doing wrong or right; I didn't find out something that was hampering me from having a better spiritual life or that I have a suppressed sin in my life. No. What I found out was something about me.

I deal/have dealt with depression.

I'm not talking about feeling depressed because of something that happened or those days when it just a bad day. I'm talking about the real mental illness.

Yesterday, I was looking at how to know if you struggle with depression that was in our sermon notes (portion above). As I was reading them, I realized that what I was reading sounded exactly like my high school years and my year at college.

I wanted to sleep all the time figuring that if I went to bed, when I woke up things might be better. I either wanted to eat all the time or didn't eat at all. In college, there were times (mostly Saturdays and dinner time on weekdays) that unless someone was going with me, I just didn't go to the caf (cafeteria) because I either didn't feel like getting up or I didn't want to go in sit alone or get take out and sit in my room alone. If I got really hungry and my lips and cheeks hurt enough from biting them (because apparently that is what I do when I get hungry), I would just find a dollar and go to the vending machine in my dorm and get some chips or a candy bar and a drink to hold me over. Sometimes, the lights didn't even get turned on all day Saturdays because there was enough light coming in through the window during the day and the next thing I knew it was dark outside. I felt worthless and that no one liked me.

When I shared with my life group (Sunday night "church") that I realized I was actually depressed in High School and college, one of the ladies asked what I thought the trigger of it was. I gave her the answer that I thought was right at the time, but, after thinking about it longer, I realized what really triggered it.

3rd grade.

I had just moved from a private Christian school to a public elementary school. I had a great teacher, but that was the beginning of the worst three years of my life.

The year before, I had gotten glasses. I didn't need them all the time, but I did need them to see the board. This girl and I sat next to each other and became best friends. We had a good time, but soon she started stealing my glasses out of my desk and hiding them in hers. Later a boy liked me and gave me a beautiful lapel pin when he asked me to be his girlfriend. My mom had told me that I couldn't have a boyfriend and made me give it back. He then turned his liking of me to a disliking of me and began to pick on me. I tried so hard to be friends with him and his friend, but they wouldn't let me be friends with them. It started with pretend fighting, a few of us girls against a few of the boys. It wasn't real fighting. There was no punching or kicking or hurting. That is, until this certain boy pushed me hard to the ground. Later, I was hit in the face with a kickball that he threw, though he kept saying it hit my back. Perhaps he just felt bad for hitting me in the face because it was an accident. It didn't feel like an accident at the time.

Needless to say, things spiraled from there. My supposed best friend kept being my best friend and then lying about me behind my back. The boys kept picking on me, I was called a cry baby at lunch by my "friend' because she hurt me emotionally.

In fifth grade, my grandpa on my dad's side died. It was the first death in our family. I was so hurt because the last time I saw them I had thrown up on their floor. I didn't get to see them very often. I knew my grandma was sick way before that, but I didn't know with what (Alzheimer's disease), so I couldn't spend the night like I used to be able to. I had seen him once in the hospital and I thought he was getting better. What I was too young to know was that he had cancer. I just knew there was something wrong with his kidneys. I told my supposed friend at school during a project that it reminded me of my grandpa and that was why I was sad. She replied with couldn't they just give him a transplant, and when I said no she counteracted with that she had been whipped hard the night before. A year after my grandpa died, my grandma, his wife, passed away as well.

Come to think about it, maybe it was my grandpa's death that triggered my depression. More likely, I think, is that his death was the last straw. With all the pain and torment I suffered with almost everyday from my "friends", loosing my grandpa was probably what struck the final blow.

Throughout High School, I thought it was just all the pressure to be an all A student like my mom and my sister and that no one liked me. Looking back at college I thought it was the continued pressure to have at least a 3.6 GPA to be able to drive my car and the continued fear that no one liked me or wanted to be my friend and the fact that my boyfriend, at the time, stopped talking to me and just played video games while we were on Skype. However, there was a reason I had the insecurities of not thinking people liked me or wanting to be my friend. That came from 3rd thru 5th grade. I know that now. My fear of loosing the people I love spawning from the losses I experience at a young age.

Perhaps those three years were the years when I became the not-so-talkative, withdrawn girl that I was in High School and my year at College. I have made strides in not being that girl, but I still struggle to be the outgoing person I want to be.

During my senior year of high school, there came a point where I decided it all needed to stop. I visited a teacher, who also had a degree in counseling, and asked for help. Of course, it took all the guts I had in me to write the e-mail to ask if I could talk to him and then to actually walk into his classroom. He told me to write out my story because I seemed like a writer, which I am. That lead me to start my blog.

Sometimes I just have to get down what I am feeling. Writing helps me process what I am thinking and feeling into coherence. There is a sense of relief and release when I successfully write something that is what I am thinking and feeling into a coherent series of sentences or paragraphs and post it here, on my blog. This blog has not only helped me therapeutically  but it has helped my writing skills as well. And I hope it helps someone else out there who just wants to know that there is another person out there who isn't perfect and knows what they are going through. Because I have been there.

I have been depressed.

Occasionally, I still struggle with it. And it's not just the one day that everything is just going wrong or just a case of the blues.

If you struggle with anything, know that you are not alone. It's okay to be depressed, it's not a sin. Seek the help you need.

Keep on keeping on.

Happenings.

Lately I have been frantically looking for a job. I've applied anywhere and everywhere and have gotten one declination letter so far. I'd like to say that I could just use Scentsy to be my full-time job, but lately I haven't had so much luck. I am desperately trying to stay positive about everything, but I fear I'm losing the battle.

I've become desperate. As much as I would loathe getting a job at a place like McDonalds or a restaurant, I may have to suck it up and apply and take whatever job comes my way. Until I get a job, Tanner has said that he will work overtime as much as he needs to make all our needs met. Already he is going to have to work two hours overtime for the next year (instead of working a little overtime over 18 months) just to pay a certain person back for the closing costs because in this certain person's mind we have to make sacrifices when buying a home even when this certain person doesn't know what sacrifices we have already made/ are already making! (Sorry.. done with that rant..)

What closing costs, you ask? We're buying a house! I am SUPER excited about it! It's brand new construction in a new development, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathrooms, two stories (bedrooms and full bathrooms upstairs), big kitchen with LOTS of storage space, big backyard, and we got it at a GREAT price! Currently, we are just waiting on the 2nd walk through and closing! :D I can not wait to move! The estimated closing date is April 15th! So, I'm looking for boxes to start packing everything! ^.^

That's pretty much what's been going on in our lives. Major budgeting, desperate job hunting, and prepping for moving!

If you are interested in buying some Scentsy (new Spring/Summer stuff is out, by the way!), just jump on over to my website! http://ElisabethEllsworth.Scentsy.us

Keep on keeping on!